AIBU to not forgive SIL affair?

[Ambs81]

This is a complicated one- but I'll try to tell the short version! Any advice, especially from those who've experienced similar would be great.
Last year I found out a work colleague had split from their husband of 10 years after finding out he'd been having a 6 month affair with a younger women, who was known to my work colleague.
Like anyone, my work friend had completely broken down, she'd confronted the girl he was having the affair with -who she knew well and after a few days, rang the fiancee of the girl involved to make sure he also knew what had been going on.
She found out when typically, her idiot now-ex-husband had left his phone with hundreds of photos, video, messages from the other women in an archived chat. Most of it was quite sexual, but they had also told each other they loved each other, and discussed plans to leave their partners (talking solicitors for divorce, living arrrangements).
The plot thickened when a week later, it was mentioned in passing the name of the finance of the girl involved in the affair - it was my brother in laws name (my husband's brother). Its not a very common first name, or surname (now my surname), i was surprised my work friends hadn't already made the connection.
We quickly confirmed it was my BIL financee (they are due to get married this summer), I was shown some of the images / video involved and it was clear she was the guilty party, I also noticed she'd come off social media at this point.
I obviously told my husband, and explained his brother already knew what had gone on - but encouraged him to talk to his brother and support him through the fallout.
His brother was extremely upset we knew, and as his fiancee had managed to convince him the affair was just text messages, not sex, our input confirmed that it was sexual (i watched footage of them having sex!), which obviously caused my BIL more upset.
Long story short, 6 months later and my BIL has decided to stay with the his financee, after 2-3 days living apart, they decided they were both to blame and wanted to stay together.
My BIL suffers from depression, and it seems as though the family feel this caused her to have an affair, as he was distant and not meeting her needs. As someone who has suffered with depression, I feel really shocked that this is being used to justify her betrayal. Also worth noting she was my BIL first relationship/ girlfriend, so he has no other frame of reference.
They've also decided to go ahead with the wedding this year, 10 months after the affair came out. While I think it's far enough to stay together, I think going ahead with the wedding as planned is a joke - especially with it taking place in a catholic church.
While the rest of the family have totally forgiven and forgotten, my husband and I are really struggling to come to terms with it and treat her as family. My husbands family don't want it to be talked about, it is completely swept under the carpet now, but I havent directly spoken to my BIL or his fiancee since this came out (6 months ago).
At the request of my mother in law (who i greatly respect, she has helped me a lot with my DS) I did reach out to the girl involved, suggesting we meet and bury the hatchet. The reply was quite a rude and basically indicated they were angry at us, and that she was willing to accept me as family 'no matter what' (inferring I'd done something wrong??).
Since that exchange of messages there has been no contact, I'm avoiding family situations/ occasions where they'll be and visa versa.
I'm happy to continue with this, but with the wedding approaching i feel it is going to come to a head, as I don't want to attend and don't want my son to attend.
I would go out of respect for my BIL (who was a close childhood friend and how I met my husband), but as he hasn't spoken to me since this happened I feel that I have no relationship with the bride or groom, and it feels bizarre to think of going to their wedding when I'm not on speaking terms with them.
I still feel so angry at her and I feel devasted for my BIL, because he is such a lovely guy and I feel he is being duped. None of his close friends know the truth and I worry the only people he confinded in - his parents- were more worried about maintaining the status quo (as the wedding invites had gone out, they own a house together etc) then his self esteem and self worth.
As the family have moved on so quickly, I feel they think IABU to still hold a grudge and not let it go, I also know it will hurt my MIL and FIL to not have me at the wedding, more then anything because they wouldn't like their friends to think/know they was an issue/dispute in the family.
I know I'm taking the moral highground with nothing to really gain, but just can't move pass the fact that she did this to my BIL and also to my work friend - who has now ended her marriage of 10 years.
It seems wrong that on one side a marriage is over, but on the other its business as usual and the wedding planning is in full swing.
Had her cheating been a one off, or even a two-off thing, I wouldn't feel as strongly but it was such a prolonged affair, with meeting for sex 1-2 times a week in my BIL house, there was also a lot of bad mouthing of my BIL in the messages exchanged, and she was putting a lot of pressure on the man involved to get a solicitor and get a divorce.
I also find it weird that while my work friends marriage was in a bad place - they were having counselling - my BIL was unaware of any problem, and his fiancee seemed fine and very actively planning her wedding.
Another side note is my own brother, having cheated on his fiancee went ahead with his wedding and then split after 6 months - and still can't start divorce proceedings as haven't been married long enough. I wish I'd advised my brother to delay his wedding, but as he was the wrong-doer I guess I encouraged him (or at least didn't discourage hime) to make things right by going through with it (in the end it was his wife's choice to end it). I'm raising this as I have recent experience with how marrying of the back of infidelity is never a good idea!
Sorry for such a long post...I guess my question to you guys is AIBU to not forgive and forget, and AIBU to not attend wedding?

It's not a question of supporting a woman who has had an affair; it's a question of respecting the decision of the BIL to marry her and move on.

I don’t think it is that simple.

If I had found out at work that a family member’s partner was cheating, then I would tell the person who was being cheated on or tell my husband and let him decide whether to speak to their family member. I don’t think that the OP’s conduct is unreasonable.

If the cheater lied to their partner (which let’s face it is not unusual when people are caught), then yes I would also tell the partner that I knew they were lying and explain why.

I really can’t see why the SIL here is getting any sympathy. She is definitely the author of her own misfortune and has been rude enough to blame the OP for doing no more than telling the truth.

OP is quite within her rights to dislike the SIL and question her morals but she should keep those thoughts to herself, her DH and perhaps a friend to allow her to vent. AIBU seems reasonable too as I am sure OP has ensured that her post was not immediately outing.

Should she go to the wedding to keep up appearances for her DH’s family? I wouldn’t go to the wedding of someone who is rude to me but perhaps OP is nicer than me.

I cannot see why any of this is the OP’s fault. It is normal to be upset and emotional when someone hurts a member of your family or a close friend. And watching her colleague’s life fall apart must be awful.

I do agree that it is her BIL’s choice and she must respect that but that doesn’t mean attending the wedding and pretending to be happy about it.

BIL also has to accept that if SIL to be has been rude to OP then OP does not have to forgive her for that.

Are you able to take you BIL to one side and talk to him in privately without the rest of your ils and tell him that if this is what he really wants you will be there to support him but atm you are struggling to forgive her and you arent sure this is what he wants and want to hear him say it?

It’s very telling that you have not talked to your BiL in six months

This speaks volumes

You also revealed that SiL is the family favourite.

She still is by the looks of things

Ouch

Nail on the head there, I think, Mellie, I think the closeness is from OP's side.

I don’t think it is that simple.

If I had found out at work that a family member’s partner was cheating, then I would tell the person who was being cheated on or tell my husband and let him decide whether to speak to their family member. I don’t think that the OP’s conduct is unreasonable.

If the cheater lied to their partner (which let’s face it is not unusual when people are caught), then yes I would also tell the partner that I knew they were lying and explain why.

I really can’t see why the SIL here is getting any sympathy. She is definitely the author of her own misfortune and has been rude enough to blame the OP for doing no more than telling the truth.

OP is quite within her rights to dislike the SIL and question her morals but she should keep those thoughts to herself, her DH and perhaps a friend to allow her to vent. AIBU seems reasonable too as I am sure OP has ensured that her post was not immediately outing.

Should she go to the wedding to keep up appearances for her DH’s family? I wouldn’t go to the wedding of someone who is rude to me but perhaps OP is nicer than me.

I cannot see why any of this is the OP’s fault. It is normal to be upset and emotional when someone hurts a member of your family or a close friend. And watching her colleague’s life fall apart must be awful.

I do agree that it is her BIL’s choice and she must respect that but that doesn’t mean attending the wedding and pretending to be happy about it

BIL also has to accept that if SIL to be has been rude to OP then OP does not have to forgive her for that.

perfectly expressed...

Nobody's saying that OP should like the SIL; it sounds as if the SIL wouldn't care much either way.

If OP wants to avoid the wedding she could but, if she goes the she has to behave appropriately. If I felt as OP does, I wouldn't go; she doesn't have to go.

I think 'watching a colleague's life fall apart' is embellishing somewhat. It is NOT the same as living through a breakup yourself. OP is on the periphery, not part of colleague's life and, it's sad but she's not the person affected and it's mawkish to suggest otherwise.

If OP hasn't seen or spoken to BIL in six months then that's hardly a close relationship - and better that it's not that close if OP is going to be so vulnerable everytime something goes wrong in her circle.

OP's husband, according to her, feels the same way as she does so what more validation is needed. She doesn't need to like SIL or attend the wedding. That's a result isn't it?

I think 'watching a colleague's life fall apart' is embellishing somewhat

you believe OP colleagues 20 year marriage falling apart ... has been embellished ?

I doesn't sound to me like anyone in the family gives two hoots what the OP thinks and would just like her to STFU about it all. I don't think am earnest convo with the BIL is appropriate AT ALL. Agree that the closeness to her husbands family sounds rather one sided...

No Gemini, just the drama around it. It's quite insulting really to think that somebody would 'appropriate' somebody else's pain and parade it as their own. When my relationship broke down, I wouldn't have expected a colleague to start wailing about it, put it that way.

But actually, it's not the OP doing that, it's the fan-girls blowing smoke up her bottom. Everybody loves a drama...

It’s not revenge porn for fucks sake

Her friend showed her a brief clip of her husband someone else ( a bit strange yes )

That’s so NOT what revenge porn is

What? she was rude to you because you wanted to meet her to 'bury the hatchet'
' why should she want to seek your forgiveness. You have no role in all this! Butt out!

But actually, it's not the OP doing that, it's the fan-girls blowing smoke up her bottom

How offensive . It’s a fairly typical AIBU where some people agree and some don’t

I find it baffling how people insult people for daring to have a different viewpoint to them .

But ‘fan girls’ is a new one

Do you insult every single human being for having the audacity to have a different opinion and perspective to you ? You must be a delight to work with

stop, I don't think you're much of a delight on this thread either to be quite frank. I won't comment on what you 'must be like' when you're not here because that would be stupid as I don't know you.

I don't mind what your viewpoint is, I may agree with it or I don't. There are posters on the thread who are projecting wildly (in my opinion) and whatever their reasons for doing so, to me it reads as if they are egging the OP on. I think that's awful actually.

What you don't like is that I have a view you don't agree with; exactly what you're accusing me of - whereas I don't care what your view is. Hope that's cleared it up for you.

Touché !

Lying you can easily not care what people think of your opinions. But it is also quite clear that you do care what other people's opinions are. Otherwise why would you still be protesting that people shouldn't care as much as they do?

I still think basically the Sil is a tramp and I wouldn't be able to have any respect for her, no matter who forgave her. Can't have respect for someone who can willing cheat.

I wouldn't get involved. I won't blame you for feeling as you do though, I doubt anyone would be immune to feeling 'off' about a situation like this. How can you not, when this is a person you will see quite regularly as a family member and there could be work gossip too? It's close to home to say the least.

As long as if there's a repeat of affairs etc in the future you're not drawn into conversation about it and aren't asked any questions then that's fine.

Too often in life we are taught to tiptoe around people who do bad stuff. You're more wrong for having an opinion about something that's under your nose than whoever's doing bad deeds. It'd be different if you never come across them.

You get on with your BIL.I think you should go to the wedding in support of him. Not going is a big statement that you don't want to get on with he and his wife, and that can have ongoing repurcussions.

He's forgiven her so you now need to leave it at that and move on. I wouldn't accept any snipey behaviour or comments from her tho. Give as good as you get. But no more than that. Let them get on with their lives.

Barbaro well as someone who has said they will 'laugh out loud' at the vows, your opinion is immaterial to me. You would have absolutely no class to do this at somebody's wedding and do you really need that pointing out?

I like posting on this forum, have massive tolerance for other people's opinions whether they accord with mine or not.

I don't care what you think of the SIL or the OP or anybody else, your opinions are irrelevant as you don't know them. My opinions aren't based on what I think somebody is, how could I know? They're based on what they post or what history an OP posts about them.

Lets all agree to disagree on this beautiful sunny day

I am with barbaro- you know sometimes people describe someone in here and your gut reaction is UGH . That’s me and nothing will change it . It ok when they are people at work as you can be professional and civil and distant

You know what OP / imagine she is a work colleague . Civil polite but no more . That’s manageable at a distance at a wedding possibly ? For family meals / good bloody luck

scrumples

Read the thread.. this has been battered to death ... and everyone KNOWS it's illegal

Lying you care very much of what I think, that's why you brought up what I said many pages ago. You care that I would find it funny that someone who has had an affair promises to be faithful to them forever, otherwise why does it bother you and you think I have no class and that my opinion is irrelevant? If it's irrelevant, why be bothered enough to reply and attempt to insult me?

What the Sil will say in her vows is not true and not likely to remain true. I find it funny they could say it with a straight face and that anyone could believe they mean it. Especially in the way that sil has done it, she has shown no remorse from what we have been told and actually blamed her soon to be husband for her actions.

I get your point, it's nothing to do with us. But the OP asked if she is being unreasonable to not be able to forgive the Sil. I think she isn't and gave that opinion. She didn't ask if we think she should care or not.

Don't be silly, Barbaro, your post was so ludicrous that it was memorable, it really doesn't mean that I 'very much' care what you think. I actually don't think that you'd be that selfish and unthinking in RL either, whether you'd believe a word of the vows, or not. Mostly because whether they're heartfelt or not, there is no consequence or outfall for you.

I'm not disagreeing with you that OP isn't being unreasonable to feel that she cannot forgive her SIL, but that 'forgiveness' isn't within OP's gift to confer on SIL as SIL isn't asking for it - and it's not relevant for anybody else.

stop, we are not disagreeing either; civil and polite is what I've also suggested to the OP. It's a difficult situation but it's not unmanageable. In RL people don't see non-immediate family all the time and, if there's mutual antipathy then there's no need to push for family meals. I see my 'in laws' at Christmas, we like each other well enough but we're not 'close'. OP can still see her BIL presumably and her husband will anyway as it's his brother.

OP is very much entitled to think what she likes of her SIL, it must be very difficult, but she can't act on those feelings without risking all manner of unpleasantness in the family. Some things cant be unsaid and undone and OP needs to realise and understand that.

I've mentioned several times that this would be a good place to rant - and Mumsnet is awesome for that - but to take it further would be a mistake.

Hi all, sorry for radio silence, I've been at the seaside this weekend enjoying the sun!

Re; comments above - I've not come back on the 'legality' issue people keep raising - for those particularly interested/concerned about that, the police did actually get involved in the issue of the phone 'content'. Although 'warnings' were issued to several parties involved, it wasn't actually deemed illegal as no content had been taken without the 'owners' consent or knowledge, it was sent knowingly to the recipient - who didn't then circulate it.
Despite peoples not very kind comments regarding me seeing it, I wish I could unsee it - but as I explained it was shown to me FLEETINGLY to validate that yes it was a physical affair (not just messages/phone calls etc).

AAaaahhh OP... I hope you had a fabulous day at the Seaside