is my MIL a terrible host?

[Cad0rt3]

When we arrive the first thing she says is complaning that dinner is late as they've been waiting. We called twice in the long journey down and let them know hours before what time we would get there. Not our fault if they were gardening for the first call but thee second call they picked up for so knew! Food was made a week ago and frozen and we did say don't wait for us.

When we arrived the only options of a drink are apple juice or water as that's all she likes.

I'm allergic to plug in things, she knows this and they are all throughout the house.

Bedding has been washed in something really strong smelling that is vile and not pleasant to sleep on. She knows I hate stuff like that and makes me unwell.

She doesn't knock to enter the bedroom we are staying in, just starts talking and slowly opening the door. I get its her house but still knock rather than just opening doors ffs!

The "curtains" are a very thin bit of fabric so of course I was woken at 5am as they do nothing to block any light, she has blackout ones in her room..

Finally got off to sleep around 7ish only to be woken up by her loudly opening the curtains in the room directly below where I'm sleeping. Really noisy and unnecessary

Oh, and I do think she can do better, btw, I just don't think that it's a prerequisite of enjoying someone's company that they also be an excellent host.

I went to stay with friends overnight and their toddler woke me up at 5 am, we sat on the floor in the kitchen because the chairs were covered in junk, there was cream frosting on the walls due to a cooking 'incident'. The room we were staying in was piled entirely with junk, and the bedding wasn't fresh.

Part of this is just me and my fiance being aware that none of these things will kill us (ready to be told I have low standards - guilty as charged, but I'm also not a prig, hehe) - but part of it is the key that we were happy to accept that on a temporary basis because we like the people.

My sis and her husband don't get treated any better or worse at my parents' house, but they have a harder time - because they don't have as good a relationship as my and my fiance.

No amount of nit picking about curtains will change that.

All of you posters defending plug ins - I hope you don’t have them in your own homes? And that you don’t use fabric softeners? You do realise how terrible they are for the environment and are carcinogenic?

They sound like not great hosts but you sound like a really demanding guest.

To be honest, I think I must also be a bad host by your standards:

• the curtains in my spare room are not the same quality/thickness as the ones in my bedroom. Not unusual for a rarely used spare room?
• we don't have squash or coke type drinks in the house as none of us drink it. We offer tea, coffee, water, wine which is what we drink. Does that make us bad hosts?
• I open my curtains in the same way regardless of whether there are guests in the house or not. I have no idea if you would say I am opening them noisily or not having never heard of such a batshit idea.

Do you have an actual allergy to plugins or just an aversion?

And with the talking instead of knocking, well, it isn't ideal & I have some sympathy but at least she isn't actually barging in. What's the betting she is saying 'do you want a drink'?

I don’t becuase I have an asthmatic and they’re triggers for that and his eczema.

However, it’s not really any of your business, is it?

Would you? She sounds awful

yeah, opening curtains in her house and using washing powder, what a fucking bitch!

But @MiggeldyHiggins she opened her curtains LOUDLY remember

😆

You sound like hard work and she's probably stressed already at the idea of you coming. Hence the worry about dinner being ready.

Just save yourselves both the drama and stay at a hotel next time.

I have quite severe psoriasis and certain powders trigger a reaction, but I wouldn't assume other people knew that.

OP you sound hard work. I should imagine she opens her curtains the same way every single day! This whinge alone makes you sound really pathetic.

The only sympathy I have for you really is the lack of 'knocking' but again, maybe that's how they did it when your DH was growing up there and its old habits.

Moaning about the time you arrived when you’d told her when to expect you all over a freezer meal? Fuck that shit. I’d have gone home there and then and saved myself the bother. That’s the worst thing really; being unpleasant, going out of her way to be unpleasant over her perception of your time keeping. I could handle the rest, but from this, it is obvious that she does not want you to feel welcome. Don’t waste your time OP. There is no point to visiting in these circumstances.

OP this is an example of a little niggle to which there is obviously quite a lot of background.

The crux of the matter is in the first point you made regarding the fuss made about the time you turned up for dinner, when you kept them well informed of when you were turning up for dinner. Having experienced similar dynamics I do get why this got your back up and put you on the defensive.

In my experience of this dynamic, you MIL would have made a fuss about timings of dinner so that you are 'to blame' for something (even though nothing has actually gone wrong) so that you are immediately in the wrong and forced into a defensive position and her into the martyr.

Why on earth would she need to do anything more for you after everything she has done and you have ruined i.e. dinner?

I imagine your back is got up over the other little niggles as you know you can't complain, or even just change it i.e. bring your own sheets, as this would be seen as a complaint anyway, and how dare you complain after you, you of all people, made dinner late!!

Boundaries my dear, boundaries...

You sound much more like a difficult guest than she sounds like bad host.

The entering without knocking is bad form. Everything else though is just how she runs her house. You expect her to change all that because of you? How incredibly rude. And as for opening her own curtains in the morning, how very dare she?

If the bedding is such a problem, you need to bring your own. Plugins can be unplugged in your room and windows opened. You don't have the right to dictate what she does elsewhere. You sound like a whingy brat over the drinks and the curtains.

Stay elsewhere in future.

She's not a great host. I can see how each annoyance is an issue. One or two is fine but you're clearly miffed and it does make you feel more annoyed at everything else when normally you'd brush it off.

I'm really sensitive to plug ins and strong smells but luckily so is MIL so when we go to BIL's (we take MIL and all stay over) BIL/SIL unplugs all the plug ins. Because they're relatively decent hosts. If something in your home that isn't necessary is causing your guests discomfort (or in my case, blinding headaches) then you fix that.

The only issue I had with BIL's house was that we only ever had a dirty unwashed bed to sleep in. Like, really gross. I used to bring an extra nightie and pop it over the pillow. And when they did wash bedding it was the 14 min cycle freshen up. (not envy)
DH is allergic to animals but can handle being around them. Sleeping in a hair covered bed however had him wheezing pretty bad. I now take a lint roller along with the extra nightie.
BIL stays here on occasion and I make sure the bedding is freshly washed every time even if the guest bed hasn't been used. I also try to find out what my guests like and make sure to buy it in. Family or no. It's not difficult to make people feel welcome and comfortable.

OP, ask MIL if she would allow you to pop the bedding on a quick wash as you're unfortunately having a reaction to the detergent. Then go to the shop and buy in all the foods and drinks you need/prefer as it's also good practice as a family guest to try to reduce any costs to the hosts.

MIL won't buy nice coffee (she doesn't drink it so gets nasty value shite and says, "Why should I? This'll do!") but gets huffy and insulted when I offer to pay or want to bring some of my own. So I just don't drink at hers. And she gets huffy and insulted that I say no thanks to offers of a cuppa.

Some people don't realise nor care that they're bad hosts or that everyone is different and doesn't like all the same things they do.

Next time take your own bedding, stick on cover for the window, wedge for the door and coffee. If you know what's she like then you adapt - she's family.

And ear plugs

Not knocking is rude and if you have a severe allergy to plug ins that they know about then they should have removed them at least from the room you were sleeping in and the main room family gather in during the day/evening.

The rest of the complaints are pretty petty though.

My MIL always swaps the bedding for us because I have a feather allergy, but that's the extent of catering to us that we expect.

I have problems with my neck so I bring my own pillow.
I prefer Brita filtered water to water straight out of the tap, so I bring my own bottles pre-filled with it because I drink water almost exclusively.
We always let them know that we don't expect meals to be made for us if they're busy or tired we're happy to sort out food for ourselves.
There are too thin for our taste curtains in guest room so we bring sleeping masks.

It's nice to be a good guest as well.

I think you are unreasonable in everything except the plug ins. Vile things. I stayed at a cottage last year that had them in every room, I tracked them down and unplugged them but could still smell one. Eventually found it plugged into a secret socket hidden behind the Hoover in the cupboard under the stairs

You sound like my Sil, this is the woman’s home. The only thing she’s done wrong is not knock on the door.

Here’s the other side of things to add a
Different perspective on things for posters.

My Sil has She’s decided my mothers home is not good enough for her and her baby and expected my terminal ill dad to travel 6 hours to see his grandson. He almost died of pneumonia shortly getting back home as he wasn’t up to going in the first place. She refuses to bring the baby up as my mothers house doesn’t met her standards so he won’t see him again, nothing at all stopping them staying in a travel lodge, yet she regularly takes the baby to stay at my wealthy uncle
And aunties house and her mams home. I’ve since gone NC with DB and SIL. You have no right to look your nose down at her home.

I’m actually wondering if your my SiL op your name doesn’t begin with an S does it?

I am allergic to plug ins and many strong fabric softeners and mil loves them so when I go I take an antihistamine, my own beed sheet, my beconase and some paracetamol. in my bedroom I open the window and ditch the plug in and I manage fine... I would imagine she would be horrified by leaving a room unperformed - we all experience things differently.

If I was bothered by noise I would take ear plugs and if super sensitive to light I would take blindfolds, I do take my own fizzy drinks as they don't drink them. I feel like a member of their family in their home not a rock star diva with a list of demands. We get by fine

You aren't a guest - you are family.

I'd suggest you are not 'allergic', as if you were, you wouldn't be able to stay at all. So it's a dislike, which is something you put up with when it comes to relatives. How flexible are you about your relatives when they come to say?

only to be woken up by her loudly opening the curtains in the room directly below where I'm sleeping. Really noisy and unnecessary

She opened her own curtains? Bloody hell the woman's awful. Do you really want this controlling and thoughtless person in your life? You must be a saint to have tolerated such awful behaviour up til now. I think you should go NC.

Or perhaps you should just rethink your expectations of a host and your own behaviour as a nightmare guest.

Can people please accept that the plug-ins and the violently scented sheets are not minor. these things are really not ok.

In a hotel-smelly things not ok

Someone's home-smelly things ok

IT'S THEIR HOME!

Can people please accept that the plug-ins and the violently scented sheets are not minor. these things are really not ok.

Wtf is a 'violently' scented sheet? I'm imagining it slashed and bloody.

What a ridiculous post. Of course they're 'ok', they're perfectly legal things to have in your own home.

If they cause huge problems for potential guests then those people have the choice to make other arrangements (like bring their own sheets) or stay somewhere else.

I would like to know whether the OP just doesn't like the artificial smell of plug ins (like me. But I can tolerate them if I'm staying somewhere for the sake of harmony. I just open the window.) Or she has severe allergies that affects her breathing when she smells them.