is my MIL a terrible host?

[Cad0rt3]

When we arrive the first thing she says is complaning that dinner is late as they've been waiting. We called twice in the long journey down and let them know hours before what time we would get there. Not our fault if they were gardening for the first call but thee second call they picked up for so knew! Food was made a week ago and frozen and we did say don't wait for us.

When we arrived the only options of a drink are apple juice or water as that's all she likes.

I'm allergic to plug in things, she knows this and they are all throughout the house.

Bedding has been washed in something really strong smelling that is vile and not pleasant to sleep on. She knows I hate stuff like that and makes me unwell.

She doesn't knock to enter the bedroom we are staying in, just starts talking and slowly opening the door. I get its her house but still knock rather than just opening doors ffs!

The "curtains" are a very thin bit of fabric so of course I was woken at 5am as they do nothing to block any light, she has blackout ones in her room..

Finally got off to sleep around 7ish only to be woken up by her loudly opening the curtains in the room directly below where I'm sleeping. Really noisy and unnecessary

OK - so, not staying ever again probably isn’t practical.

• Take coffee etc AND your own mug.
• Take snacks
• Take your own bedding

• Buy and take a stick in black out blind
• Buy and take one of those hotel door lock things

• Offer to take a meal/Buy dinner out/takeaway as often as possible.

Get DH to remove all of the plug ins and ‘remind’ them you are allergic to them (me too, my mouth swells up and I get an instant headache).

Of course it’s not ideal, but they’re your DH’s parents and, trust me, it could be worse.

Sorry to say this, but you sounds like a bad house guest to me. They made you dinner and put freshly washed linen on the bed.
If you’ve stayed before, you must have know about the curtains, so take a sleep mask - it’s what I do when I stay at my MIL.
I don’t understand the point about drinks. Surely you took some wine or something with you to say thanks for having us?
I took decaf tea to my MIL for me while I was there - I don’t expect her to get in anything special for us.
I hate plug-in smells - not allergic but they make me feel a bit ill. Like others have said, I’d either suck it up or ask her nicely if you can plug them out while there.
It doesn’t sound like the perfect place but it’s not a b&b. I think staying with family is different to staying with friends - less need for the red carpet. More need to pitch in and help out. Hope the rest of your trip is more pleasant.

Good grief. If I go someone’s house I always take my sleeping bag as I’d never assume they had a spare bed. I take a pre-cooked meal that can be heated up in order to contribute and take my own booze. Plug-ins - yuck - politely ask if they can be switched off and sit in the garden until the smell has worn off. Her house. Her smells.

How the fk does anyone know she decided to put in extra fabric conditioner when she washed the sheets ? We don't! What a wild assumption. Has she said, I have used extra fabric conditioner because I know it annoys you? Nope.

Second the eye mask - they work! It could be midnight when it's bright outside if you put one on.

I wouldn't waste money on black out curtains for a spare room which probably only gets used once or twice during the sunnier months.

Remind her that you have an allergy to the plug in things, then politely remove them. So many people claim to have allergies these days that it is no wonder that people are sceptical. It probably hasn't even occurred to your in laws that they should remove them.

I'm not sure whether you are whinging about the washing powder & fabric conditioner or the quality of the sheets. At least they are clean and have been changed, which isn't always a given in a spare room. Bring your own.

I'm sure it will be a short visit, as it doesn't sound as though you want to be there. Your in laws probably don't realise you expect them to change everything for a flying visit as it's their home. Just accept that that they will probably think exactly the same about you if they come to stay at your house.

Stay in a guest house/B&B!

Why don’t you get your husband to speak to his father and sort it all out? Surely your husband wants you to be happy staying there .

Why doesn’t HE make you a tea/ coffee / whatever drink you want ?

Why didn’t you bring wine?

And why is this all your MiLs fault and not your FiL?

Yep, grow up.

@saucyjack
Your mother did a great job with you when she shat you out on the rug clearly.

You should at the very least be bringing your own drinks.

Also bring an eye mask for sleeping.

You sound petty.

I wouldn't get black out blinds for our spare room as it's only used a few times per year.

She might like the smell of the fabric conditioner sheets.

Remind her you are "allergic" to the plus ins.

Whinging to us about drink options makes YOU seem like an ungrateful guest.

You don’t really like her very much do you?

I'm not sure I blame her.

Eye mask
Own bedding
Ear plugs
Shit load of booze
Eat before you arrive

Or never go again.

Sorry but I think you are a pain.

The only thing I can see is rude is not knocking in the door before coming in. Something yu or even better yyour ur DH could tell her. Just as you could say ‘just a minute!!’ when you see her starting to open the door.
The rest? It’s her house!! She doesn’t have to change everything around so that YOU find it nice even though SHE might not.

If it’s that much of an issue and you expect a better ‘service’ and to be ‘hosted’ then I suggest the hôtel down the road.

Btw As family, she isn’t hosting.

Some people aren't very good at thinking about other's comfort. Often times it's not deliberate, it's just lack of experience hosting and more likely never having stayed in someone else's house much - it's sometimes hard to see these situations from a guest's point of view. My parents went through a very annoying phase about insisting on an early dinner when they had guests - until the guests took responsibility for cooking for everyone - they didn't care after that.

I have to say, seeing the reaction of the OP to the ‘string smell of the bedsheets’ (which is the smell of whatever conditioner the MIL is using), my first reaction is thatbthe OP is very sensitVe to smell and doesn’t like the plug ins.
Not that she is actually allergic to them....

I don't see how people think the Fil would be involved in stuff like plug ins, curtain fabrics etc. Most men of that generation wouldn't be involved or remotely interested, (are they now?) I bet mil wouldn't allow him anyway.

Or maybe, what is considered as comfort for the ‘guests’ isn’t what the people living in the house see as confort.

The plug in or the smell of the bedsheets is a good example of that.

Sarah

buy special drinks what...like tea and coffee?

The curtains I would let go - my PiL don't even have curtains in some of their guest rooms (they do live in the countryside so it's not like anyone peeks in). But you can't expect them to change their curtains just for your occasional visits??

Even the opening of curtains I would let go as maybe opening them is her morning routine and she genuinely didn't think of it or assumed you'd be awake given you've said you wake up with the light?

Could you take your own mug an drinks if they're really against coffee in their own. A pain but if it'll make your stay more comfortable perhaps worth it?

The duvet is annoying but my SiL brings her own when she stays with my mum as she has very specific allergies to certain types of fabric and doesn't want to make my mum buy an entirely new set.

I can't decide if your Mil is a bad host or just a bit particular and to your demands

Viva - that's not necessarily true. My sister's choice of fabric conditioner has the same effect on me as plug ins - my throat closes up and itches badly. Whereas other fabric conditioners do not do this to me.
Actually, Neutradol does that to me too. It all depends on the chemicals involved.

You sound quite high maintenance. Sorry.

What do your PIL say/do when your allergies kick in? Do they remember that you have allergies then, apologise, and remove the plugins?

Maybe in future, you or your DH could remind your PIL a few days before you visit that you're allergic, so they can remove them in advance?

Please... if you hve an allergy it doesnt mean you have to go into the hospital if exposed to an allergen for a long or otherwise you donmt have it! I’m allegic to both strong smelling washing powders/ liquids and plug ins and would have red, itchy, teary eyes and feel sleepy when exposed to them. I never stay too long exposed to those allergens and I would have never returned to the OP’s MIL’s and FiL’s house if it wasnt possible to turn off the plug ins. I’d bring my own pillow and blanket/ sheet to separate myself from the bedding.

You need to be prepared to compromise. I wouldn't like those things either, especially not the air freshener or fabric softener, but that's the way they choose to live their life, and you should respect that.