is my MIL a terrible host?

[Cad0rt3]

When we arrive the first thing she says is complaning that dinner is late as they've been waiting. We called twice in the long journey down and let them know hours before what time we would get there. Not our fault if they were gardening for the first call but thee second call they picked up for so knew! Food was made a week ago and frozen and we did say don't wait for us.

When we arrived the only options of a drink are apple juice or water as that's all she likes.

I'm allergic to plug in things, she knows this and they are all throughout the house.

Bedding has been washed in something really strong smelling that is vile and not pleasant to sleep on. She knows I hate stuff like that and makes me unwell.

She doesn't knock to enter the bedroom we are staying in, just starts talking and slowly opening the door. I get its her house but still knock rather than just opening doors ffs!

The "curtains" are a very thin bit of fabric so of course I was woken at 5am as they do nothing to block any light, she has blackout ones in her room..

Finally got off to sleep around 7ish only to be woken up by her loudly opening the curtains in the room directly below where I'm sleeping. Really noisy and unnecessary

You won't change your MIL or her lifestyle - older people get set in their ways, as we all know in our heart of hearts, however frustrating and illogical it may seem.

You may have to just call it a day and decide that you cannot stay at your MIL's home ever again. It is all right, in my opinion, to explain why, but you need to avoid ad hominems. Talk only about yourself: that you are very sensitive to chemicals smells, to light, to your own personal space. Do not attempt to suggest to your MIL that she is wrong about these issues - make yourself the person responsible for not visiting her.

You sound like an absolute pain in the arse. And your allergies sound made up because you’ve thrown them in amongst a list of complaints that include apple juice, and opening curtains too loudly.

I’m assuming your DH has actually met your MIL at least once and therefore knew he drinks preferences, and what to bring himself to drink?

If you didn’t want the frozen food, why didn’t you eat some of the food and drink you brought with you? Because as a bad host, she wouldn’t have had anything for you to eat, would she?

At least that's your Christmas gift done for you and your MIL

You won't change your MIL or her lifestyle - older people get set in their ways, as we all know in our heart of hearts, however frustrating and illogical it may seem.

I think it's incredibly ageist to say that this 'bad hosting' (most of which I actually think is fine) is an age thing. I wouldn't think to wash the sheets in a different way for a guest unless specifically told, I often don't have a big range of soft drinks as we really just drink water, our spare room curtains aren't as nice as the curtains in our room, I'd open the curtains in my house at my normal time if we had guests over (and I don't think 7am is excessively early to do so) - and I'm in my 30s! I may also be a crap host, of course, but if so I don't think it's my advanced age.

I don't think the OP sounds like a pain in the arse. Staying with in-laws is absolutely fraught with potential difficulties, even when they maintain their homes to 5* hotel standards!

I agree with other posters - either stay elsewhere or bring your own bedding when you visit. My DD is visiting my older sister next month, and I've warned her to bring a duvet, sheets and pillow as everything in DS's spare room smells mouldy.

Yes, who was to know that you have to contact "guests" in advance to ask about their washing powder preferences?!

And the plug ins - just unplug them! Or, here's a good one, open the window in your bedroom.

No is accusing the "bad hosting" of being caused by old age. What old age has to do with it is the likelihood of any change or improvement i the situation!

And the plug ins - just unplug them! Or, here's a good one, open the window in your bedroom.

That doesn't get rid of the smell, it seeps into everything in the room. :(

Yes, who was to know that you have to contact "guests" in advance to ask about their washing powder preferences?!

As others have said, you won't change her - this is her home and this is the way she likes it. I do think it is bad hosting (whether for family or not) not to get in some extra drinks if literally the only options you can offer are apple juice or water though!

And as for not knocking on your bedroom door - rude, rude, rude!

In future I'd take my own coffee/mug, own bedding, a sleep mask, remind her of your allergies the minute you walk through the door and say that unfortunately you are going to have to unplug all the plug-ins before you have an allergic episode, and pull a piece of furniture across the door or wedge a chair under the handle!

Otherwise smile politely and just get on with life.

The curtains thing is petty and YABU. But the smells - YANBU. I think forcing people to endure these highly scented artificial chemicals is awful, just as bad as having a house that stinks of mildew - in fact I'd be more sympathetic to the mildew because people can't always do anything about it! You should have something neutral and unscented for guests.

My parents buy in food and drink they wouldn't normally buy that they know DH likes, because they want him to feel welcome. Similarly, we make a big effort for them and for my in-laws when they come to stay. Surely that's just what you do for guests, family or not? If MIL is generally hospitable on the food and drink front then I think you should just accept what's offered, though, and if you like particular drinks then bring them as a contribution. Hosts can't always offer everything that you might have at home yourself.

And the plug ins - just unplug them! Or, here's a good one, open the window in your bedroom.

That doesn't get rid of the smell, it seeps into everything in the room

So does it mean that the MIL should NEVER have any plug ins in her house, even though SHE likes them, because her DIL doesn’t??

There are some limits. You can ask someone to take the plug ins off, you can’t ask them not to use them at all.
Just as you can’t ask them to change their washing powder/conditionner because the DIL thinks it smells rank.
Or to cook better for you.

Is moaning like the OP is doing not the epitome of being a bad guest instead??

The answer is to stay elsewhere. I wouldn't be able to tolerate the smells.

DH suffers terribly with eczema - to the point he can be covered in open sores. If he sleeps somewhere with strong smelling sheets it will trigger a flare up and he’ll be in agony for weeks. For some people it isn’t them being awkward.

You sound very high maintenance the only thing that's a bit overly familiar is the not knocking but it's not the end of the world. So you don't like her food, the way her house smells, you expect her to wash bedding for you in different detergent? Wow. If your allergies are that bad take your own bedding or invite them to stay with you.

She is a bad host but you sound c like a rather difficult guest.

For some people it isn’t them being awkward.

I’m sure OP would have mentioned that if it were the case.

DH suffers terribly with eczema - to the point he can be covered in open sores. If he sleeps somewhere with strong smelling sheets it will trigger a flare up and he’ll be in agony for weeks. For some people it isn’t them being awkward.

Well then I hope and assume you take your own bedding with you when you go to other people's houses, or indeed hotels?

YANBU about the smells, as long as its clearly and politely explained.

I get migraines and am actually more sensitive to horrible chemical smells than light (I had to keep pushing the cat away yesterday as he stinks of fish oil and it was making me feel light headed and sick).

However - forgive me for saying, but from the way you've expressed yourself here, and the other complaints, YABU overall, because I imagine any legitimate complaint gets shrouded by the fact you really don't like her.

I can't afford to do every room to the same standard in my house. Fortunately my guests get over complaints (not that anyone has made them), because I presume the desire to see me overcomes any issue like that. My parents don't offer alcohol - that's them, I don't mind. I take a can or two of cider if I'm going and desperate for one.

However - forgive me for saying, but from the way you've expressed yourself here, and the other complaints, YABU overall, because I imagine any legitimate complaint gets shrouded by the fact you really don't like her.

This, absolutely. If a guest told me that a smell in my house made them feel ill I'd be mortified and try to get rid of it as quickly as possible. If they also complained that I opened curtains overly loudly and that the spare room was inadequately decorated, however, I'd still deal the smell, but I'd no longer be doing so gladly and happily. I can't imagine anyone has been looking forward to this visit.

So let me get this right

You get invited to stay at your in laws, which you accept.

They have a meal ready for you
They have made up the beds with clean linen
And they are otherwise carrying on as usual....in their own house

You sound entitled, ungrateful, and a complete PITA

I suggest you find somewhere else to stay in future

Why should OP stay somewhere else? Perhaps the dh wants to stay with his parents?

I simply can't imagine going to stay with my parents and dh insisting on staying in a hotel. I'd think he was a rampaging drama queen. And saying he disliked the washing powder? The OP can't be that allergic or she would cite reactions. I guess she just doesn't like the smell, or it makes her feel ill. I don't like plug-ins/candles or strong chemically smells - they can be nauseating - but unless the mil in this case lives in a hermetically sealed environment there are ways to avoid the "scents". As I said, windows are your friend.

She should stay somewhere else because she’s rude and sounds like the type to be unpleasant and make people uncomfortable.

@irmafaylear nail on the head, of course most wouldn't stay at a hotel, but OP IS a rampaging drama queen, and don't forget it's her MILs fault, honestly she opens the curtains too loudly, how dare she!!

I hope we get a thread from MIL about another awful visit from DIL with outrageous demands....