is my MIL a terrible host?

[Cad0rt3]

When we arrive the first thing she says is complaning that dinner is late as they've been waiting. We called twice in the long journey down and let them know hours before what time we would get there. Not our fault if they were gardening for the first call but thee second call they picked up for so knew! Food was made a week ago and frozen and we did say don't wait for us.

When we arrived the only options of a drink are apple juice or water as that's all she likes.

I'm allergic to plug in things, she knows this and they are all throughout the house.

Bedding has been washed in something really strong smelling that is vile and not pleasant to sleep on. She knows I hate stuff like that and makes me unwell.

She doesn't knock to enter the bedroom we are staying in, just starts talking and slowly opening the door. I get its her house but still knock rather than just opening doors ffs!

The "curtains" are a very thin bit of fabric so of course I was woken at 5am as they do nothing to block any light, she has blackout ones in her room..

Finally got off to sleep around 7ish only to be woken up by her loudly opening the curtains in the room directly below where I'm sleeping. Really noisy and unnecessary

@MaidenMotherCrone really? She knows the OP Is allergic to plug ins but has them out anyway. How is that not awful?

No the issue with the curtains is she seems to have deliberately opened them loudly. You can open curtains without making so much noise.

When she knows I have allergies and the plug in things and scents make me unwell yes it is very thoughtless to add them. I'd rather dirty sheets as I'm sure she knows.

ThTheres nothing wrong with frozen food, but complaining we've spoilt dinner and made it late when they were informed about when we were arriving and we said not to wait.

Literally laughing at PPs who have collectively decided to ignore that OP is ACTUALLY ALLERGIC to plug ins and are making out that it's just an issue of preference. I know I'm over invested in this but I have family members who have allergies and it is so dangerous when people don't take it seriously and act like it's just preference!

It's mils home! The curtain and washing powder complaints are so pretty, I think you're being very harsh.

TBH If you are allergic then obviously you have to unplug them all when you get there anyway don't you?

If you just don't like them that's a different thing.

My sympathies with the MIL too, maybe she tried her best, but this is a ridiculous thread.

Talk to her. Ask her nicely if you could unplug the plug ins whilst you are there as you are sensitive to artifical smell.

The plug-ins when she knows you are allergic is bad.

Moaning about dinner: her general personality. Just be breezy “I know, dreadful traffic, lucky we have mobiles these days and were able to warn you!”

Curtains: sorry, people don’t run hotels. It is annoying but that’s her spare room. Likewise she probably has no idea about the noise of opening curtains. I am a quite person and have never in my life thought curtain opening was something I needed to take care with!

You and your DH must know what she’s like. It’s family. Take a few bottles of wine with you, or whatever you like.

I must go and practice opening curtains quietly . Curtains are curtains... are you saying she should pull them back inch by inch so they make no noise?!

Fil is fine

I think you are missing the point the poster mentioning him was making.

When we arrived the only options of a drink are apple juice or water as that's all she likes........ can he not shop?

Bedding has been washed in something really strong smelling that is vile and not pleasant to sleep on. She knows I hate stuff like that and makes me unwell...... an assumption that this is down to her.

The "curtains" are a very thin bit of fabric so of course I was woken at 5am as they do nothing to block any light, she has blackout ones in her room.... um, THEY have blackout curtains.

Finally got off to sleep around 7ish only to be woken up by her loudly opening the curtains in the room directly below where I'm sleeping. Really noisy and unnecessary..... could've been either of them.

I'm with the you just don't like her camp! Fair enough but don't bitch and lay every slight at her door.

Plug ins are vile. They immediately make me wheeze, and smell horrible.

I too would just take a bucketload of booze with them and have a few drinks and then all this stuff wouldn't matter a jot. Remember she brought your DH into the world, she must have done something right

Well, I wash spare bedding in non bio because some people are allergic to bio powder. And I bought a special deodorant (not an aerosol) to use at my MILs because of her allergies.

So I think a good host would be considerate of their guests and their allergies.

Presumably if your that allergic it’s such a problem you left straight away? Or at least said “do you mind if I unplug them?”

I wonder if MIL did all the right things, cooked from scratch on arrival, unplugged plug ins, washed bedding in different powder, bought new curtains, quietly opened downstairs curtains in morning.... whether there would be anything else wrong with her?

You do sound like a whinger.

You had me at no coffee.

Deny me my morning caffeine hit, and I will shit on your rug.

No wonder you're grumpy.

Completely agree with PP who says you don’t sound like a good guest OP.

Totally reasonable to ask if you can take the plug in things out. Stop pussyfooting about - you are allergic.

As for bedding ask if you can strip the bedding and stick it through a quick wash - no drama.

The curtain thing - accept, roll over and go back to sleep.

Our spare room only has thin curtains that let in the light - because they are secondhand curtains, a bit of a token statement. We have blackout curtains in our own room, and they cost a pretty penny, so we couldn't afford to add them to a spare room that only has a visitor occasionally.

Suggestion to OP - bring a sleep mask next time, and perhaps also ear plugs against the noise (though then you wouldn't hear her coming in the room). Have a conversation about the knocking/entering, request (not demand) privacy.. Have a separate conversation on arrival each time about the plug-in fresheners.

First time I visited MIL, it was a long visit (11am to 5pm) and she knew we were coming. I was shocked that she didn't provide any lunch at all, I was in the early stages of pregnancy and was very tired by the end. Since then, I've either taken my own sneaky snacks or blatantly brought a full buffet lunch with us.

hosting? guests? I thought she was MIL - FAMILY...

family aren't "guests" - or "hosted" in our house, everyone mucks in - I don't like MIL's washing powder, I take my own pillow case and a sheet. (discreetly).

if I wanted a coffee, I'd take coffee (mine are tea drinkers, so the coffee they have is a Nescafe instant jar from around 1999), if they complained about staining the cups I'd take my travel mug, or wash the cups there myself, properly.

And as for curtains and noise - a sleep mask and ear plugs solves it easily.

I would get rid of all notions that family host you and just muck in - into the house, unplug the offensive smelly things - staying out of their room of course.

OP you sound awful... and goady

Op I have no idea why you are getting such a pasting, only on mumsnet!!!!

She sounds like a pain and a terrible host - she's not making you feel welcome at all is she!

Not knocking at your door is incredibly rude and not acceptable.

Everything else is about you not liking your mother in law, you are being a very upleasant guest.

If you are really allergic to plug in and washing powder, how did you manage to spend an entire night in the house? I have a kid with allergies, we would have to bring him to a hospital within an hour or so, no way an allergic person could sleep hours on something they are allergic to.

It's not difficult to ask her to remove the plug-in anyway.

some people have never slept in their spare room, they haven't tried it and haven't thought about the practical details. I doubt your MIL has put non-blackout curtains only during your stay and hidden the better ones.

I hope you don' t have kids, the stay must be so stressful for everybody with such a bad attitude.

YANBU, she is not making any effort to make sure that your stay is comfortable, is she.

In fact, sounds like she's going out of her way to make it UNcomfortable for you - especially washing the sheets you'll be using with extra fabric conditioner when she knows it makes you unwell.

Curtains - well that's a pain but not everyone needs thick curtains, and even if she does herself, other people can sleep through with thin curtains so that might not even have occurred to her - have you mentioned it?

Plug-ins - I'd be going round and pulling them all out straight away. My Dad has a bit of a thing for these abominations as well, and the smell makes my throat close up and itch like crazy, so I pull them all out whenever I stay at his house. He doesn't mind though because he knows it makes me uncomfortable and he IS a good host.

Where is your DP/DH in all this - doesn't he say anything to his mother about her unwillingness to accommodate your problems?

Plug ins make me sneeze, hate over fragranced linen, thin curtains and people moaning upon arrival...and shit coffee. I don’t think some people can host very well. So YANBU