is my MIL a terrible host?

[Cad0rt3]

When we arrive the first thing she says is complaning that dinner is late as they've been waiting. We called twice in the long journey down and let them know hours before what time we would get there. Not our fault if they were gardening for the first call but thee second call they picked up for so knew! Food was made a week ago and frozen and we did say don't wait for us.

When we arrived the only options of a drink are apple juice or water as that's all she likes.

I'm allergic to plug in things, she knows this and they are all throughout the house.

Bedding has been washed in something really strong smelling that is vile and not pleasant to sleep on. She knows I hate stuff like that and makes me unwell.

She doesn't knock to enter the bedroom we are staying in, just starts talking and slowly opening the door. I get its her house but still knock rather than just opening doors ffs!

The "curtains" are a very thin bit of fabric so of course I was woken at 5am as they do nothing to block any light, she has blackout ones in her room..

Finally got off to sleep around 7ish only to be woken up by her loudly opening the curtains in the room directly below where I'm sleeping. Really noisy and unnecessary

Why are some posters being snippy about the allergies and putting them in " quotes" as if they aren't real.

OP's MIL's house sounds like a nightmare for anyone with asthma, allergy or migraine triggered by fragrance. I have the lot and I could not sleep in that house.

Even though I don't like my MIL much and she doesn't like me, after one event and me pointing this out, she would have switched off the plug-ins and washed the sheets without conditioner if she knew I was coming.

Your MIL is a rubbish host and you are within your rights to say that next time you have to stay in the local Premier Inn.

I am allergic to many things. It's got worse as I have aged. I take my antihistamines, carry an epipen and crack on. I don't expect people to adjust their lifestyle to accommodate me - it's annoying enough having to do it myself!
The only real difference it has made is I no longer visit two friends who have horses as the reaction is so quick, so obvious and so uncomfortable it's unpleasant for everyone. I still see them but not at their homes. If your reactions to the plug ins (I dislike them but am not allergic) is as bad as you say you might have to consider the same with your in laws.

My MIL also loves a plug in and never has any wine or coffee in the house. I tolerate the plug ins and supply my own beverages.

Why didn't your husband know his own mother well enough to make sure you brought extra drinks/mugs? You are adults, after all! Complaining that you don't also have the same curtains as her is pathetic and the frozen food comment is snooty. Get your husband to have a word about the plug-ins

Anna because the OP is listing a very long list of things, incl curtains that are too thin and daring to open her curtains, that show she has an issue with her MIL more than anything.
Her own words are about her MIL not being a good host, not about someone who is cavalier about allergies and reactions to some products.

If she had come and said ‘I’m allergic to plug ins/fragrances. They give me migraines but my MIL is refusing to accept to take her plug ins off’, she would have had my sympathy.

As it is, she just has an issue with her MIL and thenhiuse that isn’t quite as she would like it.

I don't see how people think the Fil would be involved in stuff like plug ins, curtain fabrics etc. Most men of that generation wouldn't be involved or remotely interested, (are they now?) I bet mil wouldn't allow him anyway.

Unless I've missed it on the thread, we don't know how old PIL are, do we? You seem to be assuming that they're stuck in the 1950s, but they may only be in their 50s! And in any case blaming women for getting things wrong and allowing men off the hook because 'they're not interested' (who the hell is 'interested' in plug-ins?!) is deeply sexist, no matter the ages involved.

I'm not allergic to smelly things, but can't stand them. Had to sleep on the kitchen floor for a week in a holiday cottage once, because smelly things had been put in the wardrobes and I couldn't get rid of the smell. Same with sheets - she could have washed them without any powder, they'd be just as clean but wouldn't pong. I think the MiL could have remembered the OP's problems with smells.

The complaining you are late is about the worst thing she has done.

Everything else you are being petty about. People live how they live, she is not going to remove all her air fresheners or change her washing powder ready for a visit from you. Maybe just take your own bedding if it is that much of a big deal. She may have washed the sheets ages ago and taken them out of the airing cupboard - she is hardly going to remember to rewash them to your specification. If you are aware that you don't like the drinks they serve, bring something you like along. As for the door opening and curtains not really a big deal.

I would be more than happy to use or not use whatever was required to stop someone's allergies. I'd be horrified to think that my DIL or anyone was uncomfortable when staying with me. She does sound like a poor host, there are lots of people who don't really like hosting or don't understand that it's a bit more than just chucking sheets on a bed. Unless you've invited yourselves for 6 months and then trash her house
I think your DH needs to have a word

I am sure you are a lovely person but you sound a bit hard work as a guest.
Older people get set in their ways about things like meal times and she has obviously gone to some degree of trouble to make your room nice.

When I am a guest I try and fit in. I wouldn't dream of complaining. Perhaps you could discreetly unplug the air fresheners in your room.

I think, sometimes, that people must have a problem with their sense of smell. It's the only explanation for the 'lovely' smells that assault one's nostrils from clothes, sheets, hair, plug-ins etc.. I'd be more able to deal with a smell of dogs or cats than the smell of plug-ins. Vile vile vile.

Some people are shitty hosts. Your MIL is one of them!

You sound like a bit of a nightmare as well.

You sound very hard work.

And this dear children, is why I never want to have a DiL.

I think, sometimes, that people must have a problem with their sense of smell. It's the only explanation for the 'lovely' smells that assault one's nostrils from clothes, sheets, hair, plug-ins etc.. I'd be more able to deal with a smell of dogs or cats than the smell of plug-ins. Vile vile vile.

There is another explanation, but it's going to come as a bit of a shock to you, so brace yourself: not everyone shares your exact preferences on everything AND your preferences aren't necessarily right and other people's wrong.

We would never stay at the in laws. They were welcoming for 4 hours in total. We'll pay for lunch, drive them there and pay. Then come back to theirs for coffee and after about an hour they'll want us out.
Then we'll drive 3 1/2 hours back home.

That's a huge generalisation there isn't it, there are some awful mils too. It's the individual person, some people are arse holes. Not implying you there in any way op, i don't think yabu fwiw.

That was to vlad

A member of my family is completely allergic to her MIL's house (filth as opposed to chemicals). She had to stop staying there.

Please bear in mind that one day you might be a MiL. There are differences in most people’s domestic arrangements that others wouldn’t like or enjoy, but they are your DH’s family, not, surely, people who are out to annoy you.

The word "host" for your mil implies some degree of coldness and the expectation that she should really put herself out for you. Presumably it's your dh's old home and he doesn't see himself as a "guest".

Do your parents, OP, "host" you, or do you just "go back home"?

The things you mention may be irritating , but they are hardly terrible affronts.

It's not "hard work" to find chemicals overwhelming. They are extremely unhealthy and many people cannot cope with artificial/chemical smells - they make them ill short-term. The rest of us are being made ill by them long-term (cancer)

Yanbu OP. It sounds like an ordeal. I wouldn't stay over again.

Thinking about my mil. She's of a generation where allergies are scoffed at "we were all fine brigade". She also might just not think about privacy as "you're still the children". If the dinner was ruined she'd think us rude rather than consider it as one of those things. You get the picture. I think if you have to/ want to stay again- own bedding, dh to insist plug ins make him sick so phone ahead and ask to turn off, baa baa black our sheets, own cup etc.

I only have thin curtains in my spare room. They are very pretty though :)
Couldn't afford to buy lined curtains for both rooms.

I'm with you on the allergies thing. That's not good. Do you have to stay there? When you visit can you book into a B&B somewhere instead?