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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want MiL to drink while babysitting

466 replies

PineappleRelish · 17/05/2018 17:57

My MiL looks after DD(2.5) once a week while I’m at work. She will send pictures to show what they’re up to, and I noticed in the most recent an empty bottle of wine and two glasses on the table. She was meeting her friend for lunch and they had a bottle between them, whilst she’s looking after her granddaughter.

One glass might be ok, I suppose, but half a bottle seems like a lot. When I mentioned it to DP, he said that it was ok because she drinks a lot normally so half a bottle isn’t a lot for her!

AIBU to be really cross that she’s had that much whilst in charge of my little one?

OP posts:
BiscayTrafalgarFitzroy · 17/05/2018 21:02

Social services here would look dimly on it too

DP is a social worker. I just asked him about this and the idea that social services have the time and resources to care about people having half a bottle of wine with lunch when looking after children make him literally laugh out loud.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 17/05/2018 21:05

Fevs I doubt the majority of GP's look after their GC because they're bored. I mean come on now. They do it to help out their own children with childcare costs, they've had their kids and done their bit.

Don't try making out you're doing your MIL a favour please!

CalF123 · 17/05/2018 21:05

If social services looked dimly on someone having half a bottle of wine while looking after DC, every child on mumsnet would be in care...

BakedBeans47 · 17/05/2018 21:08

I imagine the people saying this are people who don’t have grandparents look after their kids on a regular basis because if you did then I doubt you would have this opinion.

Wrong actually. In fact quite the opposite. Because I have paid so much money over the years for childcare when I work I fully appreciate how lucky I am to have GPS who will look after them at other times and while they might do things that are less than ideal IMO, as long as they’re not putting them in danger (which they won’t as they’re competent people), I wouldn’t dream of trying to tell them what they should and shouldn’t do

I’m also Confused at the difference to attitudes towards GP as childcare on this and the thread the other day where the OP took a day off work while her MIL looked after the child. She got pelters for taking advanatage of her MIL whereas here the GPs are supposed to see being unpaid childcare as a privilege

PaulDacreRimsGeese · 17/05/2018 21:08

But because she does do it for free I should allow her to do whatever she wants?!

Allow? Do you perhaps think MIL is a pet? A house elf?

I mean, the fact is that literally nobody has said that anyway, the responses would clearly be different if she was doing something that wasn't within the realms of ordinarily social acceptable behaviour. Which like it or not, she is. But either way, OP won't be 'allowing' shit. She can ask. That's it. And she quite reasonably acknowledges this. It's all very well moralising, but given that you can apparently pay more for nursery, your situation is different to OPs. Because she can't. With that in mind, you telling us about how you'd just pay more is not helpful to OP. She has to factor in any impact her request might have.

Also, guess again on the bit about nobody who says OP can't make her stop having grandparents and other family members who look after their DC.

Ohmydayslove · 17/05/2018 21:09

I have my grandchildren 2 days s week to help my kids. In never bored out of my brain and raise my dgc the way I raised my own children.

However if I was constantly critisise or micromanaged I would be telling them to access paid childcare.

Mind you all the grandparents I know hsve very full lives and don’t live to serve their children and grandchildren even though they love them to bits of course and are happy to help.

Teeniemiff · 17/05/2018 21:10

I think most people can differentiate between being drunk & having a couple & judgement not being impaired.
Everyone needs to judge that based on their tolerances

Ohmydayslove · 17/05/2018 21:10

Fevs

If I was your mil I would indeed drink

OlennasWimple · 17/05/2018 21:11

I really worry when people say stuff like SS would take a dim view of this scenario. Because it means they have no fucking idea of the sort of living conditions that thousands of children are living in, that would make most people recoil, and yet they don't meet the threshold for SS intervention

FFS

sweeneytoddsrazor · 17/05/2018 21:13

All these GPs who have to do as they are told regarding childcare, all have one thing in common. They all managed to successfully raise a child that posters like enough to have children with

MrsKoala · 17/05/2018 21:14

Personally i would also have no problem if my very lovely and sensible Nanny took the kids to pub lunch and had a glass of wine with her meal. We often go to dinner together straight from pick up on Friday and i have a glass of wine with my meal and i always ask if she would like some. When she babysat on my birthday we opened a bottle of fizz before we went out for dinner and we offered her a glass.

I wouldn't leave the kids with anyone I thought not sensible enough to know their limits. If i trust them enough with something that precious then I trust them to know when they are too drunk to look after children.

Ohmydayslove · 17/05/2018 21:15

Sweeney

Spot on. Smile

I just looked in the mirror and I do look like Dobby! Must be all the drink Smile

Hugsythespacecowboy · 17/05/2018 21:15

So that's 3 glasses? With a meal I wouldn't be arsed. If not with a meal I'd be a bit more concerned it'd go straight to her head.

Fevs · 17/05/2018 21:19

@GreatDuckCookery trust me when I say she would be bored, without a doubt. She has told me that numerous times as has my husband. Obviously you don’t know her so it may be hard to fathom but she has few friends, no hobbies and a husband who is out all the time. My daughter has given her a new lease of life which is great but I actually don’t take advantage of it because It’s important for me to be able to stand my ground if I need to.
I’m not saying that she’s doing me a favour and as I mentioned before I appreciate the help. However, my main point is it doesn’t matter if the childcare is free or not you are still the parent so should be able to disagree with something if it is important to you.

@ohmydayslove - I don’t have the MIL who drinks, soz love.

Tistheseason17 · 17/05/2018 21:19

First time I've been judged for NOT drinking alcohol. FWIW had both hubby and I been tipsy, we could have missed the warning signs our child was critically ill aged 11 weeks. Don't mind being judged for this, plus I'm good fun without alcohol.

Odd world of MN Confused

Peanutbuttercups21 · 17/05/2018 21:21

My lovely MIL did this, and also drives after a few (not many, but 2 or 3 which to her is "not really drinking")

Enough for me to not let her babysit again. (Combined with the fact that PIL smoked around the kids, which triggered an asthma attack in DS2)

They are lovely people, but have not had the kids to stay since. I did not make a fuss about it, I just always made different arrangements until 7 years had passed without the DC sleeping over at PIL, and realised I had managed to avoid this situation from occurring again.

It must have subconsciously really triggered my maternal instinct.

EarlGreyT · 17/05/2018 21:23

Not that most people would still be standing after a bottle of whisky but it takes a while to kick in. Wine has an very fast effect for some reason.

Really?? That’s nonsense. A unit is a unit whether it’s whisky, wine or vodka.

Grandmaswagsbag · 17/05/2018 21:24

I’m surprised that people think it’s fine to dictate to their parents and in laws how to look after their kids too. It surely comes down to trust, you either trust them to look after your children adequately or you don’t. People shouldn't be placing conditions on people who they clearly do trust to provide free childcare. I trust my mum 100% and know she wouldn’t place my dd in danger. My mil doesn’t take dds allergies seriously despite me explaining them so I wouldn't trust her to provide regular childcare, despite the fact that she’d love to have her 1 day per week. It’s pretty black and white for me.

EarlGreyT · 17/05/2018 21:29

If a nanny was drinking 5 vodkas by 1pm, you'd all be ok with it?

A nanny is a paid employee, grandparents aren’t. Grandparents are doing you a favour by providing you with free childcare, if you don’t like the manner in which they’re doing so, you’re perfectly entitled to turn down the offer and pay someone to provide the service.

crispysausagerolls · 17/05/2018 21:30

Yarnswift

Agree with everything you're saying

diddl · 17/05/2018 21:31

I think that I'd be more concerned about daughter being bored whilst GM is lunching with a friend.

DazzlingMilton · 17/05/2018 21:33

Another one here saying hat if it’s free childcare then one as long as judgement not impaired isn’t a major issue.

However - DH and I rarely drink in front of the kids. They’re still young and this will change as they get older and stay up later but at the moment it’s not something they need to have any awareness of. Nor do I want to normalise it by making them think me having a wine at the table is as normal as them having a water —as much as I there are days that would be appreciated—

So I would take it from the perspective of asking her not to drink in front of your children (especially in the day). I don’t think that’s unreasonable if it’s a choice you and DH have made and also abide by. You’re not then telling her she can never drink but it might limit the times you’re worried about

IsMyUserNameRubbish · 17/05/2018 21:34

Oh don't mention the drink and babysit scenario, there was a thread the other day were everyone thought it was ok to even have one glass while looking after a seven month old baby. The thing is, the Police say if they had their way they'd ban even having one drink altogether whilst driving, so my Police Officer sister in law says, yet people think it's ok whilst looking after the most precious thing in the world to them, their children. Drinking can impair judgment and if you drink on an empty stomach the effects are stronger, but anyway, I've had my say so will retire from this thread before I get slagged off again.

DazzlingMilton · 17/05/2018 21:35

iPhone autocorrect is on fire tonight! I hope that made sense

EarlGreyT · 17/05/2018 21:39

OlennasWimple I know. Many people on here are living on another planet if they think social services would be in the slightest bit interested.