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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want MiL to drink while babysitting

466 replies

PineappleRelish · 17/05/2018 17:57

My MiL looks after DD(2.5) once a week while I’m at work. She will send pictures to show what they’re up to, and I noticed in the most recent an empty bottle of wine and two glasses on the table. She was meeting her friend for lunch and they had a bottle between them, whilst she’s looking after her granddaughter.

One glass might be ok, I suppose, but half a bottle seems like a lot. When I mentioned it to DP, he said that it was ok because she drinks a lot normally so half a bottle isn’t a lot for her!

AIBU to be really cross that she’s had that much whilst in charge of my little one?

OP posts:
OrchidInTheSun · 18/05/2018 04:34

Because one of them is doing a paid professional job TheStoic. Although tbh I wouldn't have an issue if my CM had half a bottle of wine either.

TheDowagerCuntess · 18/05/2018 05:00

If she was necking half a bottle of wine each and every time she looked after your child, I think all of us would be urging you to find alternative childcare.

But a one-off half bottle of wine - with food - and a friend - over lunch? I mean, come on.

Some people can't even decide whether it's a good idea to cross a road or not, without first starting a thread on here to get everyone's feedback. I don't understand how they function in the real world...

Mountainsoutofmolehills · 18/05/2018 05:18

if i had half a bottle of wine i'd be enthusiastically zig zagging home. with kids? I think i'd gently organise other arrangements. People with alcohol issues think this is normal and acceptable and dont like their shame being outed. tread carefully. at most i would ask if babysitting drove her to drink or could she not have waited to after.. but even that sounds a tricky..

TheDowagerCuntess · 18/05/2018 05:24

It's a one-off! She doesn't make a habit of it!

This is the first time it's even happened.

Anerak · 18/05/2018 05:52

I wouldn't be able to leave my DC with them again if someone did that because I wouldn't trust them/their judgement. It makes them less cautious and less aware.

ParisUSM · 18/05/2018 05:57

Some people on here must have big glasses if they think half a bottle is a glass or two. Someone said some people wouldn't be over the drink driving limit, of course you would. A lot of denial about units of alcohol.

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/05/2018 06:14

ParisUSM
I agree. But apparently I’m “rambling” Hmm. I posted glass sizes upthread. The 250ml glass that people are talking about is definitely a large measure. And yes, denial about being over the limit and number of units. We average 119 bottles of wine or 408 pints of beer per head per year in the U.K.. Considering they’re’s a hell of a lot of us, who drink are tee total or like me, perhaps drink the equivalent of 2 bottle of wine absolute tops, a lot of people consume a hell of a lot.

Stillwishihadabs · 18/05/2018 06:16

I think it's too much. As others said it is 5 units- more than a third of the weekly allowance. I would not be "on it" enough to properly care for a toddler after that, although I would be capable of sticking CBeebies on. What did they do yesterday afternoon OP ?

huha · 18/05/2018 06:20

People have different levels of tolerance. Half a bottle for me, I would be in no fit state to look after a 2.5 year old. Half a bottle for DH, on the other hand, would be fine.

I personally wouldn't say or do anything. Presumably you trust her, which is why you've asked her to look after your DD anyway. If she had a problem, you'd know.

Momo27 · 18/05/2018 06:22

Yabu

You may not like it (and neither would
I have wanted the person caring for my child to be drinking) but the point here is she’s doing you a favour.

You’re in London so hard to believe you can’t find proper regulated childcare where drinking on the job would be banned. Difference is, it’ll Cost you a lot more. But then why aren’t you prepared to pay for the most precious thing in your life?

Feb2018mumma · 18/05/2018 06:26

Know this doesn't help your situation but this is the reason I am paying for nursery even though I'm basically going to be earning 2 pound a hour the first few hours!
I know that if drink affected me I would pass the baby on but I also know that my mum or mil would not want to risk losing baby sitting duties by telling me to come home as they felt tipsy! So they would still care for baby and I know it isn't that much as before son I would have 4 glasses at the pub and just go home and sleep but my MIL is tiny and 70 and wobbles without wine so I can see why OP might not be comfortable!

ParisUSM · 18/05/2018 06:42

I saw that @mummyoflittle dragon, these 250ml glasses of wine are enormous. People are in denial about how much they eat, and how much they drink and get defensive about both.

Pengggwn · 18/05/2018 07:01

I agree with most people that the OP is being unreasonable, but I also don't think she should be pilloried because she can't afford other childcare and feels stuck between a rock and a hard place. It can't be easy to be uncomfortable with something a carer for your child does, but to know your leverage is limited because you don't have another option.

OhHolyJesus · 18/05/2018 07:23

CalF123
I think having one drink at the end of the day when toddler is asleep, in a cot and immobile is different to when they are awake, need to be entertained and able to walk around, fall/hurt themselves etc.

It might feel different with an older child and if one drink leads to two that is also different for me.

As it is illegal to drink more than one when driving I think it should be the same with childcare. Alcohol affects your judgement and the speed at which you can react. And a child is not a machine, they are far more unpredictable!

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/05/2018 07:41

ParisUSM
The shops also sell wine glasses, which hold a bottle. I’ve seen someone use them. They are deceptively small. Is that also “one glass”?

BakedBeans47 · 18/05/2018 07:45

As it is illegal to drink more than one when driving I think it should be the same with childcare. Alcohol affects your judgement and the speed at which you can react. And a child is not a machine, they are far more unpredictable!

Oh come on. What utter nonsense. As I said upthread, drink driving is illegal because of the risk you could kill people whilst driving a tonne of metal. Looking after a child after half a bottle of wine carries nowhere near that potential level of harm? How on earth would you enforce that, for one thing? Have the police knocking at people’s doors of an evening to breathalyse them?

PaulDacreRimsGeese · 18/05/2018 07:54

OP has made it clear that they can't afford to use paid childcare instead momo. Don't be a dick.

Yarnswift · 18/05/2018 07:59

If social services looked dimly on someone having half a bottle of wine while looking after DC, every child on mumsnet would be in care...

I’m not in the UK. UK social services are so stretched and overwhelmed you have to be practically beating the kids with barbed wire to get them taken off you. And the culture regarding childcare/centring of children is hugely different.

SS in Sweden are very, very well funded and very active. I’ve seen referrals for parents shouting at kids. If you spank/hit your kids (which thankfully is illegal here) you WILL be referred and it will be taken further. A woman on my parenting expat Facebook group mentioned to her doctor she got overwhelmed and spanked her son - SS and police involved immediately. Every year I see news that parents hitting kids have been arrested.

Not every European country has the same crumbling infrastructure as the UK. If a child had an accident here and the parents had been drinking there would be SS involvement. We are asked about our drinking habits at our children’s developmental checks as well (ie do you drink at all around the children.)

Half a bottle is well over the drink drive limit as well. Even one 175 ml glass will do it in Scotland, which has a far lower limit than the UK.

Op I don’t think yabu. Its a tricky one to deal with because you don’t want to alienate or shame MIL.

If this is a one off I’d leave it, if she’s putting away that much at lunch a few times a week then I wouldn’t be.

Delatron · 18/05/2018 08:06

The fact that some posters would be incapable of much after half a bottle
of wine is irrelevant. To a regular drinker half a bottle of wine really wouldn't have much of an effect at all. Obviously you'd be over the drink driving limit but many people
would barely feel that amount.

Unless you stay sober the whole time
you are in charge of your children then you are being very hypocritical.

HoppingPavlova · 18/05/2018 08:10

And this is why I will never look after DS’s children (if he ever has any- now a teen).

I certainly don’t think half a bottle is too much as long as it’s not every single day she has your child. I’ve had far more when looking after my own children. Any problem that’s an emergency is going to require an ambulance anyway and anything else you can easily get a taxi/Uber. I’ve certainly not been drunk on half a bottle since my teens and I would imagine that if your MIL drinks regularly half a bottle will not make much of a dent.

echt · 18/05/2018 08:15

If she couldn't have lunch without wine - it means she has drink problem No it doesn't. Are you confusing couldn't with didn't?

I don't think that playgroup leaders, nursery workers and teachers at school are allowed to have a glass of wine with their lunch while at work Yes they can. Not on the premises, though.

You are paying her -- her time with GDD is her reward sanctimonious arseholery of the first water.

ReanimatedSGB · 18/05/2018 08:15

You know, it's the self-righteous whinyarses who are a bigger danger to children and other people than those who cheerfully go about their lives with kids (their own or other people's) in tow.
It's the people who think life is one long martyrdom, and that women in particular must never do anything pleasurable again once they have concieved, who back dangerous, repressive laws regulating what other people do with their own bodies, who push idiotic and harmful 'health' fads like clean eating, who harass and grass up their friends and neighbours and create a miserable, anxious workplace/social group atmosphere where you can't trust anyone with your troubles because they'll immediately shop you to the authorities 'for your own good'.

A lot of people need to be laughed at and told to fuck off on a much more regular basis.

Ohmydayslove · 18/05/2018 08:19

peope with alcohol issues think this is normal
And acceptable

No normal people think think 2 glasses of wine with a meal is completely acceptable as no driving was involved and the mil was completely fine and took good care of the grandchild.

Yarnswift · 18/05/2018 08:27

Unless you stay sober the whole time
you are in charge of your children then you are being very hypocritical.

I do stay sober. One (or both) of us always is if we have the kids. Most of my friends here (and oddly only a minority back in the UK friends) do too. Other people can drink whatever they want looking after their kids. Their business, but they wouldn’t be in charge of mine while doing it.
My point is that it’s not unusual, square weird or boring to not drink much or drink round your kids and I get a bit tired of being told that it is. I’m not a precious parent, we aren’t one of the all organic no ‘chemicals’ no sugar no screens no fun brigade. We just don’t drink very much, and that’s not unusual in my social circle. It’s a different culture to the UK.

I’ve never shopped anyone to the authorities here, although I’ve called the police on a neighbour who was kicking the shit out of his wife back in the UK and I have zero remorse on that.

Why is not drinking so much or not drinking seen as a threat? NONE of my teetotal or very light drinker friends ever has a go at anyone drinking, ever. Yet the other way it seems OK to make a big deal of it.

Ohmydayslove · 18/05/2018 08:27

Hopping

Don’t worry you hsve probabky raised a sensible lad there. I do lots of hands on with my grand children because I raised my own children to be pretty normal Grin so we are all on the same non hysterical page Grin

I have to say you are paying her her reward is spending time with her dgd made me spat out my cup of tea.

I will pass that phrase on to all my gran friends who tirelessly and unselfishly help out with child care for their grandkids, school runs, whole days with toddlers, because they know the cost of childcare and they love their grandchildren and children but we have all done this before and it can be hard work as you are older and we do all have lives apart from our families. Shock horror.