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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who's in the right here?

172 replies

HarshingMyMellow · 17/05/2018 00:03

DPs friend came to our house earlier to drop off a bag of photos for us to sort through (celebrating a big birthday for DP and want a sort of montage.)

I was going through them and found pictures of DP cuddling up to a woman while he was out with a group of friends for a stag do. I was a bit Hmm as to why he was the only one with pictures with her, why she was the only woman there and why she was in the group picture of them all.
DP had his arm around her in the group photo while his friends stood separately.

The aspect that really made me suspicious was that when DP showed me his photos from the stag do, she wasn't in any of them.

I asked him about it and he laughed and said she was the barmaid.
Now, I could maybe believe that if it was just one photo, but a whole bunch? And the fact it feels like he concealed the photos from me? My spidey senses are tingling.

When he explained that she was the barmaid I just gave him a 'Hmm okay' because I'm tired, on a lot of pain relief after an op and genuinely cannot be bothered with having an argument.

He has now taken to calling me crazy, nuts, strange, a psychopath and that I'm out of my mind before stomping off to bed demanding an apology?Confused

I haven't directly accused him of anything, I said that it was a bit odd but that's about it.

I'm now thinking that his reaction is quite defensive and that I'm well within my rights to question who the random woman at his friends stag do is?

So AIBU? Or is he acting strange?

OP posts:
Aprilmightbemynewname · 17/05/2018 16:25

Sorry for catching him out likely.....

Trinity66 · 17/05/2018 16:29

@Trinity66 they were pictures of him cuddling her, arms around waist with him standing behind her, she was even sat on his lap for one of them!

I don't mind harmless flirting, but this is just one step too far.

Well, if the shoe were on the other foot and he found pictures of you on a night out with the girls, sitting on some guys lap, arms around him, his arms round you, how would he react do you think. What I find annoying in alot of cases like this (even if he wasn't cheating) men can have massive double standards, like they'll call you jealous or insecure for something they'd flip out over aswell

Original poster
HarshingMyMellow · 17/05/2018 16:29

@hellsbellsmelons unfortunately, that's what I'm starting to think.

My friend was as baffled as me, no one mentioned to her about them meeting up with anyone while they were out and as a rule, we are all quite open with each other. It's a tight knit group.

She's going to ask her DF when she sees him but whether he'll give up any answers, who knows?

As a PP said (sorry, I can't remember who) if his story doesn't match up that'll be my first clue.

OP posts:
Original poster
HarshingMyMellow · 17/05/2018 16:31

@Trinity66 my god, he would flip his lid! Especially if I hadn't shown him those originally and he'd found out from someone else.

I think anyone would! No matter what the explanation, it's still suspect.

But yes, double standards. Massively.

OP posts:
Trinity66 · 17/05/2018 16:34

@Trinity66 my god, he would flip his lid! Especially if I hadn't shown him those originally and he'd found out from someone else.

I think anyone would! No matter what the explanation, it's still suspect.

But yes, double standards. Massively.

Well best of luck with your conversation whenever you manage to pin him down. Even if it was just the bar maid and that's it, the way he reacted and spoke to you is ridiculous and he needs to acknowledge that. It does seem like a guilty reaction though

CaledonianQueen · 17/05/2018 16:45

I am sorry @Harshing it really isn’t looking good! Expect some damage control later on, perhaps flowers/ chocolates and a great deal of gaslighting, to the point where you will be wondering why you had ever been concerned. You may be confused as to why had you forgotten that he had shown you those photos before?

Juells · 17/05/2018 16:47

The only thing that would make me think he might be telling the truth is that no women would be brought on a stag do, so it must have been a randomer.

Getting so angry would tip me back in the other direction though Hmm

eddielizzard · 17/05/2018 16:53

what exactly are you supposed to be apologising for???

Trinity66 · 17/05/2018 16:55

The only thing that would make me think he might be telling the truth is that no women would be brought on a stag do, so it must have been a randomer.

Unless it was someone he just picked up on the night out. That would seem more likely than an affair

timeisnotaline · 17/05/2018 17:31

If the cuddling was just with him and she was sitting on his lap that’s bad enough personally. I’d be devastated if I saw photos of dh like that.

TheDishRanAwayWithTheSpoon · 17/05/2018 17:33

I genuinely don't think he could act more guilty! There's no way something has nt happened with behaviour like that, sorry op.

I don't know if it would be a full on affair as I doubt you would take pictures of you and an OW with all your friends there. My guess is something happened with her after the pictures and that woman is just a randomer.

Maybe his friend was trying to let you know by sending you the pictures? I don't think I would cover for a friend tbh.

CornishMaid1 · 17/05/2018 17:55

Hmmm...it is odd behaviour and he definitely should not be name calling.

I will play devil's advocate and it might not be what you think. He may not have deliberately withheld photos of her when he showed you the pictures. If he is in the photos with her, maybe he just didn't take any of her, so the only photos of her are on the friend's phones.

Rather than it being he cheated, it could be she is someone he knows - either as the barmaid, an old school friend or ex. He had a few, spent the night catching up and cuddling for photos. You showed him and he panicked (especially for him to say 'oh that's my ex') and tried to brush off something other than cheating.

I hope there is nothing to it, but he definitely owes you an apology for name calling.

DPotter · 17/05/2018 18:10

There are free facial recognition apps available...........

Bluntness100 · 17/05/2018 18:18

Yeah, he cheated, sorry sweetie.

And the pics are too intimate to be of the barmaid. Sitting on his lap, arms around her waist? You know that's not just rhe barmaid, over a dozen pics?

Dude cheated, he's feeling guilty as fuck and panicking he's just been caught, so trying to make you think you're nuts, and went on the attack,, he will be giving his mate at earful for not removing rhe pics., 😔

Juells · 17/05/2018 18:23

It will be interesting to see if the mate is invited to the partay, or if there's a big falling out.

Beaverhausen · 17/05/2018 18:24

Maybe this is the friends way of making you aware of something OP without coming out and saying it. :/

Juells · 17/05/2018 18:27

Has your DP been working late?

GlitteryFluff · 17/05/2018 18:31

Does sound very dodgy.
Hope you manage to have a conversation tonight. Thanks

Didiusfalco · 17/05/2018 18:57

Sounds like he’s a cheating arsehole.

I don’t think he could be acting much more suspiciously.

Original poster
HarshingMyMellow · 18/05/2018 20:22

Okay, so we had a long talk this morning.

He apologised for the way he acted and what he said to me, said it was totally uncalled for and that he's not entirely sure why he acted like it Hmm.

Anyway, he's further explanation is that the woman in question was a his old friend, who was also DJing at the bar that night.

I don't believe him.

If that was true why didn't he say that in the first place instead of the barmaid?

I asked him that and he said he panicked, but if he was doing nothing untoward, why panic? He couldn't answer that question.

His friend has no answers for me, he told me that she was the DJ too. I am at a lost, but I don't trust that explanation at all.

OP posts:
Aprilmightbemynewname · 18/05/2018 20:25

Sounds like a trip to the pub - or at least suggest it will have him startled I bet.

Original poster
HarshingMyMellow · 18/05/2018 20:28

God I've just noticed all the errors in that post. Morphine has just kicked in and I'm in a bit of daze. I apologise!

@Aprilmightbemynewname if I could get out of bed I would of been to the bar already. I think he's hoping to pull the wool over my eyes knowing that I can't actually check if he is telling the truth!

OP posts:
Original poster
HarshingMyMellow · 18/05/2018 20:28

*would have

Blush think I need some sleep.

OP posts:
Storm4star · 18/05/2018 20:33

I’m not sure what to say to your latest update. I tried to put myself in your OH’s place but all I can think was that if that was me I’d have just been upfront and said “yeah that’s so an so, I’ve known her for years”. Do you think she might be an ex girlfriend? There must have been some reason he panicked. To just say “I don’t know” isn’t really good enough. The only explanations I can think of is that is was an ex and was sort of innocent although that level of intimacy in the photos still isn’t on! But he knew that and was worried if he said it was an ex it would be “worse”. Or something happened that night that wasn’t photographed and he panicked because of that. His explanation just doesn’t make sense to me. But then obviously you know him, and know if it’s plausible or not.

Original poster
HarshingMyMellow · 18/05/2018 20:39

@Storm4star excuse my language, but what he's saying is quite clearly bollocks.
I don't trust his explanation in the slightest and would respect him much more if he were to just tell me the truth. He is adamant that her being the DJ is the truth and will say no more about it, that is suspicious also.

She could be an ex, if she was it would be from a long time ago and again it wouldn't be something I'd get too worked up about. The pictures of her sitting on his lap become more inappropriate if she is an ex, but even so that explanation wouldn't be nearly as bad as some of the things I'm conjuring up in my mind at the moment.

I don't trust him now and I've seen him in a completely new light, for me there's no going any further now. Even if he were to tell me the truth, I'd question it. The trust is dwindling.

OP posts:
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