Who's in the right here?

[HarshingMyMellow]

DPs friend came to our house earlier to drop off a bag of photos for us to sort through (celebrating a big birthday for DP and want a sort of montage.)

I was going through them and found pictures of DP cuddling up to a woman while he was out with a group of friends for a stag do. I was a bit as to why he was the only one with pictures with her, why she was the only woman there and why she was in the group picture of them all.
DP had his arm around her in the group photo while his friends stood separately.

The aspect that really made me suspicious was that when DP showed me his photos from the stag do, she wasn't in any of them.

I asked him about it and he laughed and said she was the barmaid.
Now, I could maybe believe that if it was just one photo, but a whole bunch? And the fact it feels like he concealed the photos from me? My spidey senses are tingling.

When he explained that she was the barmaid I just gave him a 'Hmm okay' because I'm tired, on a lot of pain relief after an op and genuinely cannot be bothered with having an argument.

He has now taken to calling me crazy, nuts, strange, a psychopath and that I'm out of my mind before stomping off to bed demanding an apology?

I haven't directly accused him of anything, I said that it was a bit odd but that's about it.

I'm now thinking that his reaction is quite defensive and that I'm well within my rights to question who the random woman at his friends stag do is?

So AIBU? Or is he acting strange?

Then it’s now your time to choose, either to move on with the fact he’s probably cheated on you and to ignore or to move on and leave him. If you stay you need to forget this or it will fester. Unless he admits it which is doubtful without proof

@CaledonianQueen I'll speak to 'D'P in the morning and if he's still cagey then I'm going to have to speak to my friend.

He knows that I have a very clear, firm line on cheating and if it transpires that he's been up to no good he'll be out on his ear.

Even if it's nothing, he's got a severe amount of apologising to do for the name calling. If I could get out of bed and drive I'd have left by now for that alone.

@Whyarealltheusernamestaken once I speak to him tomorrow I'll have a clearer idea.
The problem for him is that he cannot lie, he gets flustered and stumbles over his words. He also won't look me in the eye if he is lying.

So, if he actually sits down with me and let's me talk to him (I can't chase him, bedridden at the moment) then I'll be able to tell.
I'm starting to think that's another reason he stormed off, to give him time to think of a story.

If I have any doubt that he has cheated, he'll be gone. And he knows that.

Good luck for tomorrow! He better be grovelling for an apology!

You don’t deserve to be treated that way, you didn’t do anything wrong, you never accused him of anything! He is lucky, he would have got hell from some wives!

Have you got access to his friends list on social media? You might recognise the woman? She might be a mutual friend with the groom and other guys at the stagger? It’s unlikely but maybe worth having a look.

I think leaving would be an extreme step based on what is flimsy evidence. If anything, it'll be an escort/call girl but whether she was with him rather than one of the others is uncertain.

Sorry I just read that he is your DP not DH.

I am sorry to hear you are bedridden OP, I am myself and it’s not easy. Is it short term or have you been unwell for a while? I went through a stage when my dh was resentful of having to care for me, he needed support (we got a care assessment and carers in and he is much happier now).

Being frustrated/ resentful doesn’t excuse his behaviour but I know that I used to hate DH going out, I wanted to be with him and found being bed bound a massive change and sometimes it came out in my acting jealous because he got out. I didn’t even realise I was doing it. When we talked about it and both admitted that we were struggling with resentment we started to improve. We got carers in and they would keep me company if he was out. And dh stopped resenting me as my carers took care of my care needs, allowing us to be husband and wife again, instead of carer and cared for.

TBH I'd be re-evaluating my relationship in light of being called a "crazy bitch" over and over, regardless of what went on that evening...

@CaledonianQueen if he's got any sense he bloody will be.

The name calling really gets my back up, it's a vile way to try and bring someone down.
So unnecessary in the scheme of things and doesn't solve anything, just makes things worse.

I've had a little look on social media but I can't find her. I have no information to go on, apart from her photo.
Maybe I should go to the bar and see if she actually works there, gives him an actual reason to call me crazy at least

@CalF123 even if the photos turn out to be nothing, I would leave tonight (if I could) down to the name calling alone.

I respect myself far too much to let anyone talk to me like that.

@CaledonianQueen oh that's awful, I'm sorry to hear that. It's not fun being stuck in bed. I hope you're doing okay

Mine has only been short term, I had a major op on my hip after a fall and apart from getting to the toilet and doing my exercises I'm stuck (until the screws settle properly.) He hasn't had to do too much caring, apart from DDs bedtime and some chores.
I'm on the ground floor of the house so hobble about the best I can to do the majority, even though I'm not supposed to. I'm very lucky that DF lives 10 minutes away and pops round every day to help, plus MIL is always here too.

I don't think I'm jealous, I don't really go out much anyway since having DD, add on to that having a job and doing a part-time degree my time was pretty much spent.

Usually, his nights out don't bother me. He's entitled to his time and he can do with it what he pleases.
However, he's usually very open about what he's done and who he was with. I don't ask him, he tells me because he wants to.
The fact that I found out about this woman through pictures from someone else makes it very odd. It's just very strange all round.

I'm tired and overthinking now, can't make heads or tails of it!

@OlennasWimple the names he called me were totally unacceptable. That alone has got me thinking.

Definitely sounds suspect but I too, and not rightfully so, would feel quite betrayed and hurt if I was accused of cheating and might have a bit a storm off/ sulk, utter a few heat of the moment words that I'd feel completely ashamed of saying later.

If he's never given you cause for concern with him cheating before then maybe give him a chance? It was a stag do, he was probably drunk and while it isn't right he was probably trying to act like jack the lad in front of his mates by putting his arm round the bar girl, maybe he's probably never mentioned it to you before and acting so defensive now because he knows it's wrong, is embarrassing for him, bit ashamed and didn't want to hurt your feelings over nothing?

Would his mate really drop a bundle of photos off of his mate on a night out with a woman he knew cheated on his DP with?

His reaction sounds OTT and it's not ok that he called you names - but if they are truly innocent pictures he is probably very upset. I know I would be if my husband insinuated I had cheated just from a picture of me with my arm around a bloke.

It's good that you're going to talk - you can assess his reaction more. If he's genuinely apologetic for the things he said I'd probably assume it was all fine and move on (unless you have other suspicions). If he continues to be aggressive and unpleasant, then it's both suspicious and a sign that he's not the nicest person.

I’m on the fence.

IF they were innocent & you’ve seen similar before & didn’t go off the deep end, then why did he hide these when showing you the photos originally.

It’s only a few months ago, I’d ring the place and ask if she works there.

Or see if your friend can get the truth out of her Bf. Though he might lie to her if he doesn’t want to drop your DP into it.

Be careful thinking you’ll know when he’s lying. I thought the same. Turns out he could look me in the eye and lie when he’d had time to make up a plausible story.

I couldn’t ‘turn a blind eye’ to it, I’d have to know and I’d keep digging until I found out. Shouldn’t take too much for you as the pub is nearby& not overseas.

But yes, first step is a heartfelt apology from him about how he’s dealt with this, irrespective of who she is. Being spoken to like that isn’t acceptable and it’s cowardly & even more nasty when you’re in a bad way.

ALL of this aside, it doesn’t actually seem like he’s been very good since your op. You are doing far too much and risk a set back. Are you sure he’s a keeper even without this woman?

I hope your conversation goes well today.

Sorry @Harshing I didn't mean to insinuate that you were jealous, I meant to explain that we were both harbouring resentment, me that he could still go out and live a relatively normal life and him that he was feeling trapped and overwhelmed by my care needs and the fact I had gone from stay at home fully functioning Mummy to wheelchair and bed bound.

Your situation is clearly not the same, as it is temporary and your DP hasn't had to come to terms with a massive change in your health. He has no reason to feel resentment.

for what sounds a very painful operation and recovery!

In your situation, I would be completely baffled too, DH and I are completely open and I don't begrudge him and day/ night out. I am so used to hearing every detail that I would be completely baffled at my DH if he reacted like that. Good luck in confronting him this morning and I hope that he gives you a huge apology!

I'm not on the fence. DP has played around in one form or another, got caught and because he knows you will not tolerate cheating he is lashing out aggressively. It's extra lousy of him to lay this on you while you are recuperating.

The harsh reality is that you have been gaslighted and lied to, and his behaviour will not improve, he will just become more secretive.

You know the rest....

Why don't you ask your friend to ask her dp? He won't necessarily say your DP has cheated but if you DP has cheated, he might say something different to her being the barmaid. It t her stories are similar their more likely to be telling the truth but if they are different then you know your DP is lying

Can't see it being suss if his friend has brought them round for you to see.

Is this the chap who wouldn't bring you the things you needed in hospital because he was out drinking? He doesn't sound great tbh.

I was wondering that, Helena.

His reaction is way off, and that alone says to me he’s been up to no good. You also sound like you are generally a trusting person, so it doesn’t sound to me like you go around accusing him of things every 5 minutes. If you did, then “maybe” I could see why he reacted that way. Him getting so angry seems to me like a tactic to shut down the topic completely and make you wary of asking any further questions. If he’s innocent, why does he need to use that tactic?

The fact that he called you a 'crazy bitch' would be enough for me to consider ending it.
My DH and I can argue sometimes are both of us are far from perfect but we absolutely do not call each other horrible names. I don't think you can love someone and call them a 'crazy bitch' with the next breath.
His reaction is completely over the top and suspicious.

Yes, this is the same partner who found going out drinking more important than popping essentials up to me in hospital.

Thinking about it, he has been acting a bit selfish in general recently. I've had so much going on that I've taken no notice, until now.

I trust him implicitly (or I did before last night) and have never accused him before. I didn't even accuse him last night! I just asked who the woman was, the reaction was totally out of proportion.

Anyway, I asked him to speak this morning and he's still sticking to 'you have to apologise before we can discuss this further', CF he is.
I said that I was not apologising and he walked out, slamming the door behind him.

My friend is coming to visit me today and I will have a word with her, I'm not sure how much she will know though.

I hate feeling like I'm at a dead end, it's very unfair for him to leave me without any sort of explanation or apology!

@CaledonianQueen don't be! I was questioning myself as to whether I was jealous or not if I'm honest!

I started to doubt whether I was acting a bit crazy, but it's impossible. I only asked him in a very general way 'who is that?'
There was no accusations being thrown about.

I'm still at a dead end, have no idea what to do next. If he continues to act as cagey as he is, it's definitely going to push me away! Even if it turns out to be innocent!

Hope you're well