I am not ok

[Incarnationsofunderstanding]

AIBU to think sometimes that is the hardest thing to say?

Kind of want to start a # but daren’t.

For those who don’t appear to have collapsed.

For those who get up every day and work and look after kids and care for family and friends. For those who laugh and smile and function and drive onwards.

“I am not ok” Are sometimes the hardest words to say?

I am not ok.

Is everyone still not really ok?

I'm not ok. I tried telling DH but he won't accept it - I think because if he does then he'll have to do something about it. I just have to push it all down so it doesn't affect anyone else, because someone has to take care of the house and kids, because other SAHMs don't struggle the way I do so clearly the problem is me. The stupid thing is I wouldn't be any happier working, I don't have a career to go back to, the money would barely cover childcare and I would still have to do all the house and kids shit (DH a shift worker, not lazy just not around much). So I'm stuck in a sort of limbo of being not ok no matter what I do. The only time I feel even close to ok is when I play video games and can pretend to not be me for a while.

I probably should name change now, but I won't. It's ok to not be ok. Or at least it should be.

I'm not ok. A friend died a few weeks ago and I was openly not ok for a while. But now I'm acting like I'm ok because all our mutual friends seem to be ok and everything else is my life is going well so I feel like I should be ok. But I'm not ok.

Im not ok. Im overworked and understimulated and i need a change of scene.

I'm not OK.

Best friend died 21 months ago and with her went so many dreams and wishes for the future, for our old age. She was the one I told it all to. Could be me with. Who knew me.

Her DH told me last night that a mutual friend 'could not get over it' (the loss) and seemed really surprised. I did not have the courage to say neither can I. I wanted to.

It's hard looking at the future with the inevitable aging and loss of loved ones, but looking at it without a friend seems so much harder.

to everyone on this thread.

I'm not ok. I haven't slept in days. The baby's crying again. My job is stressful, rubbish pay and unrewarding. I wouldn't say this to anyone who asked though, I don't see how that could be helpful. My husband knows and tries to help. But really, it's my life and they're my problems to sort out.

for everyone!

Im not okay either. Doing the bare minimum for existing and doing that quite badly. Feel like a shit person incapable of looking after themselves or their children. And I feel really guilty and like I really should be okay. Spend quite a lot of time trying to convince myself im being self indulgent and dramatic and am in fact completely fine.... when I know deep down that im just treading water and have been for many years. Can see all the things I should be doing to help myself but cannot bring myself to do them.... watching as husband and friends slowly loose patience with me.

asatisfyingthump

Same boat here. SAHM and not feeling great about it... but dont have a career to go back to and have never been ambitious career wise anyway. Husband works long shifts 13hrs. Days just seem to be empty and relentless and then I feel very guilty for feeling that way as I love my child and he serves better. Am also heavily pregnant with another. I never earnt more than minimum wage when working and so my wages would not cover childcare/be pointless because my husband earns several times what I could ever hope to earn so could be working in that time to bring in more for us than I could.

I feel very sad and like I dont really exist any more.

No way out of this situation for some time.

Still not ok.

He did something a few weeks ago that I couldn't forgive. I was going to try, and I did try for a couple of weeks, but when I cracked and told him I couldn't get past it he proceeded to get blotto and break furniture. After years of him being a selfish arse and me forgiving and moving on from things, trying to help him with his issues, I realised this relationship is breaking me. So 9 days ago I ended it.

I keep thinking of all the things that are ending now. All the plans we had that are over. We have a child, I never expected to end up a single parent, or to have to hand him over every weekend when I want him with me. We were going to have another. That feels like loss.

Even though I don't have to tread on eggshells anymore, and my home is just mine and DS's now, I'm not over what he did or what's happened in the aftermath. He's told everyone he is going to change. He's going to get sober and be with us. He had 9 years to do that, why didn't he do it then? Because he didn't love us as much as he loved the booze. I don't want him after what he did. I still feel sick just thinking about it now.

So yeah, I'm still not ok.