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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stop my daughter going to Childminder

166 replies

Olu123 · 16/05/2018 20:29

Please help me. My four year old dd has been going to a childminder four days a week after school for a year now. She’s a single mum with another dd similar age to mine and of course other kids she childminds.
Twice I pick dd up, there’s a man in the house. He doesn’t hide it, has been by the door both times. First time It happened I didn’t think too much of it, second time I get worried as he in fact tells me dd had a nice day etc
Childminder offers no explanation just chats about what they have been up to in the day.
I Picked dd up yesterday (cm has only my dd and hers on Tuesdays no other kids) and asking her about her day, she says cm took her to the park, just out of curiosity I ask if anyone else was there and she says yes (mentions the mans name) was there, they met him at the park but he didn’t come to the house today.
Am I right to be horrified? I suspect new bf or maybe not so new as my dd’S vocabulary has just gone up so maybe he’s been around and I never asked and she never said.
Are cms allowed to have other adults around while working?
I’m sure the guy doesn’t live there but I’m so Scared now That im almost sick and don’t think I can let her go there anymore . Also worried and wonder if iabu as dd loves it there, wants to go and will ask if she’s going to cm even on the weekend. loves her dd as well.
Sorry for the rambling but so confused right now.

OP posts:
converseandjeans · 16/05/2018 21:57

zibbidoo if she wants to operate her business on a casual basis like that then fine - but OP doesn't have to stick with her. She hasn't said that the CM isn't allowed, more that she feels uncomfortable & wonders is she should take her child elsewhere. I just know I wouldn't like that set up.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 16/05/2018 21:59

if she wants to operate her business on a casual basis like that then fine - but OP doesn't have to stick with her. She hasn't said that the CM isn't allowed

No, you said she wasn’t allowed friends while minding.

Quartz2208 · 16/05/2018 22:00

They are allowed visitors but they are not to be left alone unless dbs checked

Goldmandra · 16/05/2018 22:03

I think as part of the registration for childminders that anyone who is regularly in their house has to be DRB checked.

Other adults living in the house have to be DBS checked.

Although it is good practice to have some, childminders are not required to have written policies. They just need to be able to explain them to parents and Ofsted.

I would just ask the childminder to explain how she keeps your DD safe around other adults.

Willow2017 · 16/05/2018 22:03

yes scared and felt sick, I’m a full time working mum who thinks my cm has contravened rules and I might have to pull dd out of a place she enjoys going. No idea of what to do next for childcare

All you needed to do was ask not jump to ridiculous conclusions about breaking rules and letting abusers near your child.

If you dont trust your cm after a year or have a good enough relationship with her to be able to just talk to her there is something wrong.

She should have introduced him but you can ask next time your dd goes. She wont mind.

converseandjeans · 16/05/2018 22:04

zibbidoo I know I did - hence saying I think she is not BU to question it. I guess we all have different ideas about what is OK. I think I see being a CM as a professional role rather than just being a SAHM who happens to have your child there while you're at work. So on that basis I don't think having a boyfriend over while the kids are there is something I would feel happy with. I think OP was trying to gauge if she was being over cautious. I don't think she is - however others on the thread think it's fine.

titchy · 16/05/2018 22:05

Isn't the point of picking a childminder rather than a nursery the fact that's it's supposed to be a normal home setting with normal home activities, like neighbours popping in for a cuppa Confused

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 16/05/2018 22:06

I know I did - hence saying I think she is not BU to question it. I guess we all have different ideas about what is OK.

Thinking it’s not ok is fine, that’s your prerogative. But saying it’s not allowed is incorrect. It is allowed.

dancinfeet · 16/05/2018 22:09

From what I understand, a childminder is permitted visitors, however she must not leave the children alone with anyone who has not had a DBS check? So as long as she is present at all times, why is it a problem?

Goldmandra · 16/05/2018 22:15

So as long as she is present at all times, why is it a problem?

Maybe the OP doesn't trust her to abide by that requirement.

A conversation should hopefully resolve the issue. If not, perhaps she would be better moving her child to a nursery where she is less likely to encounter unfamiliar adults (except all the parents going in and out all day).

RadiantResults · 16/05/2018 22:23

It sounds like you don't trust her. Maybe this childminder is not for you...
But you should really ask before jumping to conclusions.

Metoodear · 16/05/2018 22:23

converseandjeans

What if your friends are childminders

Or what if your friend is a off duty police officer is that allowed very daft zero understanding of how childminders work

TheWomblerReturns · 16/05/2018 22:27

What would rather amuse me, hugely unlikely but if he turned out to be an ofsted inspector

WickedGirl · 16/05/2018 22:28

He might be a new childminder and she might have taken him under her wing?

Males also work in childcare

Just ask her who he is

killinginthenameof · 16/05/2018 22:28

Huge amount of misinformation, still being repeated on this thread by people who haven't rtft!

If what you are giving is an opinion then say it is an opinion. Don't present it as fact if you don't know for sure Hmm

A few facts : CMs do not have to see or complete a DBS for visitors to their home, even regular ones. They must be completed for volunteers, assistants and anyone over the age of 16 living on the premises.

CMs must keep a record of visitors to the home during Childminded hours and make this available on inspection

Visitors must never, under any circumstances, be left unsupervised with Childminded children.

This is what CMs must do. Of course it is good practice to introduce visitors properly to parents, perhaps the cm has not picked up on the OPs anxiety. It's a sad situation if it has led to the breakdown of what sounded like a very good relationship.

Metoodear · 16/05/2018 22:29

dancinfeet Because people want Nurseys at childminder prices

And what you get is childminders at childminder prices
It’s like comparing a forest school to a state primary school they are just different settings

And thank god I don’t want set times for playing outside or different care givers all the time

I don’t want students looking after my kids I want my children to be looked after as if I was and that pretty much just includes ambleing along with normal every day things doctors,shopping meeting up at soft play with cm friends and their children be it mindees or their own children

Each to their own I trust my minder she managed to childmind for 14 years without issue and is outstanding

MotherforkingShirtballs · 16/05/2018 22:30

OP, like nearly all childminder threads posted here, every issue you've raised can be solved by having a sensible chat with your childminder. Tell her you've noticed this guy, ask her who he is, and go from there.

I never introduced DH to the parents of mindees, mainly because he was usually out at work when I was working or had prospective mindees visiting. They knew I had a husband but not what he looked like. There were occasional times he would be there during the work day or at pick up and no one ever queried it.

Metoodear · 16/05/2018 22:32

Op is very immature she clearly is unable to communicate effectively with her childminder hence not just asking who is that

Best she moves to a Nursey we’re their will be lots of different care givers lots of students randomly in and out of the Nursey because of course we all know nothing untoward happens in BDS checked Nurseys🙄

Original poster
Olu123 · 16/05/2018 22:39

Lol@ metoodear. Your level of maturity is clearly evident with posts like this that offer no positive input.
To you and someone else above-Dd had always been in nursery, moved her as wanted her to mingle at cms with kids she ll be going to school with. Cms are not even that cheap. Costs just £5 a day less than nursery did, very different standards though

OP posts:
bitchinginkitchen · 16/05/2018 22:40

My dd age 3 childminder is a man... married couple but he does most of the preschool age drops off, care etc... he's bloody fantastic and the kids love him.

BoofayTheOompaLoompaSlayer · 16/05/2018 22:41

Childminder here.

This is a fuzzy one. Technically, a childminder can have a visitor come to the house. The visitor should be written into their visitor book or diary with the times they are present.

If I were to have a regular visitor in my house, I would speak to the parents I mind for about this person, explain who they are and why they are there while I'm minding. If this was a boyfriend, I'd get a DBS done for them regardless of whether they lived with me or not. Household residents over 16 of a property where childminding is carried out need to have a valid DBS and a social services check.
I would feel uncomfortable if I had a regular visitor and parents didn't know who they were.

I think you should voice your concerns with your cm and ask why this person is regularly present. If you're not happy with her response, you can put your concerns to her in writing. She should have a complaints procedure to follow, which you should have seen before signing contracts. If you're not familiar with it, ask her for a copy. Also ask for a copy of her safeguarding/child protection policy.

I had a girl who wanted to do her community project with me. She was 16, came once a week and was never unsupervised. I still got a dbs for her.

Original poster
Olu123 · 16/05/2018 22:44

Thanks Boofay. Makes a lot of sense. Cm has been doing this role for a long time and we really like her so I’m really hoping for a convincing response when I speak to her. So happens we are away atm but will raise it when dropping off dd on Monday.

OP posts:
TroubledLichen · 16/05/2018 22:47

OP, you’re right nursery is very different to a childminder.

I do think you’re being unnecessarily anxious and just talking to her would go a long way but ultimately a childminder doesn’t sound like it’s the right childcare choice for you. If the nursery otherwise worked well and the only reason you moved DD was because of the kids she’d mix with then it probably wasn’t the right decision. If it helps your anxiety then move her back to a nursery which is a more controlled environment.

BoofayTheOompaLoompaSlayer · 16/05/2018 22:48

@Olu123

The welfare of the child is always paramount. This is the most important thing to remember. If something makes you feel uncomfortable about the care your daughter is receiving, you should definitely speak out. Good luck!

peoplearemean · 16/05/2018 22:49

Ask, hopefully there is a logical explanation but unlike other people saying you are paranoid personally I say trust your instinct. If the explanation doesn't satisfy you get her out of there. If it's a friend/boyfriends there so regularly that the child knows their name I would have expected the cm to highlight this.