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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stop my daughter going to Childminder

166 replies

Olu123 · 16/05/2018 20:29

Please help me. My four year old dd has been going to a childminder four days a week after school for a year now. She’s a single mum with another dd similar age to mine and of course other kids she childminds.
Twice I pick dd up, there’s a man in the house. He doesn’t hide it, has been by the door both times. First time It happened I didn’t think too much of it, second time I get worried as he in fact tells me dd had a nice day etc
Childminder offers no explanation just chats about what they have been up to in the day.
I Picked dd up yesterday (cm has only my dd and hers on Tuesdays no other kids) and asking her about her day, she says cm took her to the park, just out of curiosity I ask if anyone else was there and she says yes (mentions the mans name) was there, they met him at the park but he didn’t come to the house today.
Am I right to be horrified? I suspect new bf or maybe not so new as my dd’S vocabulary has just gone up so maybe he’s been around and I never asked and she never said.
Are cms allowed to have other adults around while working?
I’m sure the guy doesn’t live there but I’m so Scared now That im almost sick and don’t think I can let her go there anymore . Also worried and wonder if iabu as dd loves it there, wants to go and will ask if she’s going to cm even on the weekend. loves her dd as well.
Sorry for the rambling but so confused right now.

OP posts:
Luisa27 · 16/05/2018 21:21

Quite

Homemenu1 · 16/05/2018 21:21

Op of it helps, I turned up at my cm house and there was a man there, with his children, they were visiting, I vaguely know him to nod to. I felt quite strange about it, he’s not overly friendly so was a bit uncomfortable, and I would have preferred if the cm had introduced him to me so I knew what his name was.

MyDcAreMarvel · 16/05/2018 21:21

Of course childminders can socialise. My friend is a childminder , I will call round for lunch/a cup of tea every couple of weeks.
Mindees are supposed to be part of the childminders day to day life , it’s not like having a nanny.

Metoodear · 16/05/2018 21:23

Childminders are a home environment not a school

They learn through play and social interaction

My childminder takes the kids food shopping they write the date and those who can write out what’s needed and those who can’t have pictures of different food they tick off

That wouldn’t be part of most people working day it’s a different environment

Less structured more homely

Metoodear · 16/05/2018 21:23

Amen ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo

TheWomblerReturns · 16/05/2018 21:25

Err I pop over to my CM friends house fairly often. I usually take my DC, I'm never left alone, unsupervised or responsible for the mindees but I am allowed to interact with them otherwise would be a bit weird should I be DBS checked? (I am actually but she's unaware and never asked)

Or would I be okay as I'm a woman?

I do think you should ask as clearly you're uneasy but being scared to send her to the hands of a childminder you presumably felt happy enough to trust her with prior over a person in her home seems very OTT

iamyourequal · 16/05/2018 21:26

Goldmandra thanks for putting up such a sensible and helpful post. What a load of other guff there is on this thread. I’ve been a CM in the past too. The CM should be introducing her friend/brother/boyfriend or whatever he is. When I was a childminder I was always mindful of introductions (in my case this was only ever really my mum or other CM friends!) . The OPs reaction to the situation does come across as rather extreme though. She might not want to hear it but this is AIBU!

Original poster
Olu123 · 16/05/2018 21:26

Yes scared and felt sick, I’m a full time working mum who thinks my cm has contravened rules and I might have to pull dd out of a place she enjoys going. No idea of what to do next for childcare.
Why do people behind their computers focus on bashing and over analysing every comment rather than focusing on the main concern?
If cms are allowed to have random people over while working fine just say so I can consider if it’s appropriate for my child and I or not.

OP posts:
Metoodear · 16/05/2018 21:26

My CM would be sitting in her home with no contact with anyone all day
If these crazies had their way

Guess what their off to the zoo next week cm mum got her a tour who the children see all the time

Failingat40 · 16/05/2018 21:27

CMs are allowed visitors whilst working but they should be 'signed in' on the visitors book. Regular visitors and overnight guests need to be declared to Ofsted so a DBS check can be done.

Your CM should have a Child Protection/ Safeguarding Policy as well as a visitors policy.

Just ask her for a couple of minutes for a chat just to clarify things. If none of these policies or procedures around signing in are in place your perfectly reasonable in reporting it as a safeguarding concern to Ofsted.

Starlight2345 · 16/05/2018 21:27

Can I also say so many have assumed boyfriend , it could be brother, nephew ,

I do always say if anything concerns you do ask . I have had very random questions but I would rather be asked than have parents mind racing.

TheWomblerReturns · 16/05/2018 21:28

The only thing so far I think your CM has definitely got wrong is not saying "hiya this is xxxx"

LML83 · 16/05/2018 21:29

I trust my son's childminder, he's 2 years old she does a fantastic job and I have no doubt in her ability to look after him.

If you are happy with this childminder trust her judgement, certainly have a conversation with CM to confirm boundaries but try not to panic.

HomeisbytheBay · 16/05/2018 21:30

@Olu123

If you want to stop the arrangement, you'll have to give the contracted notice otherwise you'll be liable to pay. You won't be able to use this as an excuse to get out of the notice period if that's what you're thinking.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 16/05/2018 21:30

Agree thewombler

TheWomblerReturns · 16/05/2018 21:32

@iamyourequal I just read @Goldmandra post too and agree... very good thoughtful advice

hotsouple · 16/05/2018 21:36

Does him being a boyfriend or cousin or husband or brother preclude him from being a stranger to OP spending time with her child? Sexual abuse is an issue and it happens this way, by men who are brothers, husbands, boyfriends, etc., and seem perfectly nice and reasonable. The childminder should have informed OP if she was planning on having this guy around regularly.

converseandjeans · 16/05/2018 21:38

I agree that this seems a bit strange - if she is being paid to mind your child for the day, then it's not unreasonable to want to know who is in the house on a regular basis. Surely if she has a new man/wants to see a male friend, then she can do that outside of her working hours like everyone else has to. I think it's a bit unprofessional tbh. not to tell you who is on site. In a school/nursery setting a DBS would be needed, so it should be the same here too as you are paying.

ChocolateChipMuffin2016 · 16/05/2018 21:38

My Childminder has a husband who my son regularly sees, he is DBS checked. She also regularly meets with friends and other Child minders on the days she has my DS. I have absolutely no problem with this. I would be upset if she left my DS with anyone without my prior knowledge, but she’s allowed friends! Just ask her who he is!

nursy1 · 16/05/2018 21:40

I think as part of the registration for childminders that anyone who is regularly in their house has to be DRB checked.

converseandjeans · 16/05/2018 21:47

My CM had adult sons and a husband who were in the house at times during the day - and she used to meet up with other CM and do stuff. I think having an adult male on site who is not necessarily DBS checked or part of the family is a different thing. Of course she is allowed friends, but in her own time, not when she is childminding.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 16/05/2018 21:49

Of course she is allowed friends, but in her own time, not when she is childminding.

She is actually allowed friends over even while she is childminding Shock

CalF123 · 16/05/2018 21:51

I can see both sides to this. I'm sure this man is no danger whatsoever to the DC, but equally I do think it is odd that the childminder wouldn't at least introduce someone who seems to be spending a lot of time with the DC.

Willow2017 · 16/05/2018 21:56

Ask CM who is he and can you show me his DBS clearance details.

Dont be daft. Cm for 10 years and nobody ever saw my dbs. There is no reason to show anyone as long as registration body has a copy. Its private.

All op needs to do is ask who he is and how often he is there. If he stays there he should have a dbs and cm can confirm this.

And do people expect cms to live in a vacuum and never see another sole while looking after thier kids?

Many of my clients never met my oh as he was never there at the time they were but some of the kids were. The whole point of cm is a home environment and all that entails. (And usually bending over backwards to accomodate clients

impossible · 16/05/2018 21:56

Ask your cm! It wouldn't be unreasonable to ask who he is and if he is involved in the childcare.

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