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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Just discovered hubby swapped his gift....

162 replies

Solero · 16/05/2018 12:03

Long story short. Purchased OH a really lovely smart watch for Xmas. Not exactly the one he wanted but had all the features he'd requested and I could just about afford the payments on it. However sorting out some stuff today and I have discovered he has got rid of the one I bought and replaced it for the more expensive. Aside from the fact that most money is tight for us at the moment and I am still paying for the watch, I feel hurt that he has done that especially without talking to me first. I also feel a bit of an idiot that I haven't noticed before. Am I U or is he?

OP posts:
Motherofallbeasts · 16/05/2018 15:41

He knows exactly how much it cost, what he sold the other one for etc and is choosing not to tell you. I'd be furious!

Ginger1982 · 16/05/2018 15:42

Maybe I'm being thick but if the watch was on credit, how was he able to sell it? Surely whoever sold the watch would be entitled to it back if, for example, payments were missed? Or did you take out a loan to purchase it outright?

speakout · 16/05/2018 15:45

Solero I also have a mortgage. My only debt.

I also have a car, a phone, and many other consumer goods.

All bought when I can afford them. With money.

MurielsBottom · 16/05/2018 15:49

I think OP bought the watch on a credit card. Ginger

OP - I think you were unreasonable to have bought it in the first place but that is by the by. YANBU to be upset about what your DP has done. It sounds a crazy and more expensive way to fund his purchase. I am sure he would have got better value returning the watch to the original shop and then saving up/selling his Garmin thingie in order to fund the watch. Your dp's decision making sounds very rash and would infuriate me especially as you are still paying for the original.

expatinscotland · 16/05/2018 15:49

So how did he make up the price difference? Is he still expecting you to pay for it? His issues with feeling he's entitled to exactly what he wants even if you can't afford it doesn't sit well with me. I want a Fitbit Versa, so it's up to me to save up to afford it without compromising our family. It was the same with DH's mountain bike.

expatinscotland · 16/05/2018 15:51

Ah, it was a catalogue purchase. Okay. So then he had to use your password to log onto your account, send the first one back and increase your debt to get the new one. That's a twat thing to do without discussing it for you.

Original poster
Solero · 16/05/2018 15:53

@speakout You are assuming that I have credit card, PCP, finance, loans etc all over the place. I don't. However my hours at work were reduced and I wanted to get him something more than a token gift as we had had a tough year personally. It will be paid off in a couple of months. If that makes me such a crappy human being in your eyes I will just have to live with that

OP posts:
bearbehind · 16/05/2018 15:55

The original watch was approx £200 and I got it on credit to spread it out abit

So when he said he'd only had to top up the purchase of a £400 watch by £50 he was lying.

I Think you're both in the wrong here TBH.

Spending £200 on the 'wrong' watch is madness. If you're not going to get the 'right' watch, you're effectively wasting £200.

Equally, him selling the watch without telling you and lying about how much extra he paid is unacceptable too.

speakout · 16/05/2018 15:57

Solero

The idea of getting a "token gift" is to give something small, inexpensive and meaningful.

An overpriced smart watch is not a token gift, and even more nuts when you have reduced earnings and have difficulty paying for it.

bearbehind · 16/05/2018 15:57

So then he had to use your password to log onto your account, send the first one back and increase your debt to get the new one. That's a twat thing to do without discussing it for you.

No, the OP has already said he sold it. Hmm

BewareOfDragons · 16/05/2018 15:58

He has not only paid £££ for a different watch, you are both still paying ££ for a watch he doesn't have any more, because he wouldn't have gotten what you paid for it. Essentially, paying for a watch and a half.

Oh, and he didn't tell you.

And now lying about how much he spent.

Entitled and irresponsible under your circumstances,

I would think long and hard about actually marrying him, tbh.

What he SHOULD Have done is be honest: told you he'd changed his mind about settling for a different watch, in spite of having all the same features (as in he wanted to pay extra £££ so he could tell people he has a 'name' watch); returned it right away for a full refund; and then saved up the difference himself towards the watch he wanted after all the 'must' bills have been paid each month.

What an ass. He should be paying off your credit card for you, frankly.

Loonoon · 16/05/2018 16:02

I can sympathise with the DH although it's odd he didn't discuss it with you.
I was out shopping with a very wise friend a while ago and I pointed out a nice bracelet in a window. It was similar to a bracelet I had longed for for many years but about a third of the price and I wondered if I should get the cheaper version instead. She said 'Don't do it Loonoon, you'll still be paying a lot of money for something that's not quite right and afterwards you'll still want the one you have been longing for'.

She was quite right. When it's something special and non essential it's best to wait until you can afford exactly what you want rather than settle. A few months later I found my dream bracelet at a price I could afford to pay and I love it. The compromise bracelet would have ended up being an expensive mistake languishing in a box at the back of a drawer.

Original poster
Solero · 16/05/2018 16:04

@speakout I didn't want to get a token gift. I have already acquiesced that buying on credit was a bad idea. I cannot change that now but as stated previously hindsight is fantastic!

OP posts:
speakout · 16/05/2018 16:08

Solero hindsight is something we develop with maturity.

Which clearly you don't have.

Xiaoxiong · 16/05/2018 16:09

I think you're getting a really hard time here OP!! I don't think you have fundamental irreconcilable communication problems or anything like that but YANBU to be upset since you sunk so much time and money into buying his gift. I agree with the many posters here who think your DH didn't discuss the swap with you because he just didn't want to hurt your feelings.

I'd just say tonight "darling, I realised you swapped the watch I bought you for the one you really wanted. I wish you had just told me in the first place, can we talk about it next time beforehand? I'm still paying for it actually since money is so tight." He may not even have realised you had to put it on a credit card.

And then maybe that will open up a brave new world of budgeting discussions...

Happinesss · 16/05/2018 16:12

I think YABU.

You knew he didn’t want that watch, but got it anyway. So he sold it and got the one he wanted.

Original poster
Solero · 16/05/2018 16:13

@speakout I feel this is going nowhere. You clearly have your own agenda unrelated to my actual question. So let's agree to not engage anymore as I feel it massively unproductive. Thank you for your input. I take on board your points.

OP posts:
DobbyisFREE · 16/05/2018 16:16

If I wanted to exchange a gift then I would tell the gift giver so it could be returned for the full value, anything else is bizarre.

I don't agree with other posters that financing was a bad idea, people don't only do it for affordability. My DP often finances purchases, often on 0% interest to spread the cost like the OP said she did it for. He has hefty savings but if the interest rate he gets on the savings is higher than the interest on finance, he will always finance so he has savings in case of emergency.

I'm the opposite, I like to pay for things outright and know that they are mine, I feel more secure that way. Neither way is necessarily right or wrong, it depends on circumstance and the OP didn't ask for an opinion on that decision.

expatinscotland · 16/05/2018 16:22

I can't believe how many spoilt, entitled adults there are out who think that lying, going behind one's spouse's back, selling something bought on credit on is fine because waaaa! I didn't get what I wanted! and then slate the poster for being immature and unkind. FFS. I'd be fucking fuming with him, OP. But then, the fact that he impulse buys no matter what the consequence because he's a greedy fucker who feels entitled to what he wants when he wants it is far more concerning.

A1hulahoop · 16/05/2018 16:23

speakout You're coming across as a real arse, and bloody smug to boot. The OP came on here for advice, not to be criticised for using credit. Get off your high horse and give her a break!

Willow2017 · 16/05/2018 16:27

Op got the watch which she can pay off without it impacting on family finances..
They both discussed the other watch then Mr "i want so i must have" sold the original and another watch for less than their value and then had to add money out the family pot to get his 'big name watch'.
He didnt just swap it, his new one cost twice as much!
All this despite him knowing finances are tight at the moment. And now he is lying about it. What a great guy!

Why is op getting such a hard time over something ridiculous her oh did? She spent ages researching a better watch for less money but its still not good enough?

All those posters on threads on being grateful for the time and effort someone has put into buying you a gift seem to have vanished!

Willow2017 · 16/05/2018 16:30

Speakout
Op apparently has more maturity than her oh or you.
You sound more up yourself with each holier than thou post.

Honeybooboo123 · 16/05/2018 16:34

if you couldn't afford to buy the one he wanted, don't buy one that he actually doesn't want.
If I wanted a Mulberry purse, but someone bought me a topshop one, it wouldn't be the same. Such things aren't logical, what the heart wants, the heart wants.
What he should have done is said, thanks for the thought but it's not the right one and I will either use my own money to add to the cost and buy the right thing or have nothing at all.
He went about it rather weirdly, and it's cost more money in the long run.

pigmcpigface · 16/05/2018 16:34

It can be difficult if you have a partner who is very focused on labels, and high-end gear. In the early years of our relationship, I bought DP some ridiculous presents that I really couldn't afford because he was used to having very expensive gifts and I didn't feel able to say no. I entirely realise this was entirely stupid of me - at the time I was much more scared and more people-pleasing than I am now. However, because of this I do realise that it can be a real pressure, particularly in the early stages of a 'serious' relationship. It can take time to reach a point where you can be completely open and honest with one another.

PetulantPolecat · 16/05/2018 16:35

Yes you aren’t being unreasonable to be miffed. Or absolutely raging, really. If he was honest with you, you could have returned the watch at full value and he could’ve done what he actually wanted to do. Instead, he sold it second hand for probably half of what you paid. Same with his Garmin. And he probably funded the remaining 75% out of the joint account.

It sounds like he agrees with you just to avoid confrontation and then does what he wants behind your back.