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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU? Just discovered hubby swapped his gift....

162 replies

Solero · 16/05/2018 12:03

Long story short. Purchased OH a really lovely smart watch for Xmas. Not exactly the one he wanted but had all the features he'd requested and I could just about afford the payments on it. However sorting out some stuff today and I have discovered he has got rid of the one I bought and replaced it for the more expensive. Aside from the fact that most money is tight for us at the moment and I am still paying for the watch, I feel hurt that he has done that especially without talking to me first. I also feel a bit of an idiot that I haven't noticed before. Am I U or is he?

OP posts:

TroubledLichen · 16/05/2018 14:37

If you have joint finances why don’t you know how much he’s spent? Even if he paid cash surely you’d see a large withdrawal on the statement... or an abnormally high payment to the credit card company...
I don’t buy for a second that he can’t remember the cost. He’s essentially lying by omission and that’s a lot worse than your initial financial fuck up (silly as it was, you were trying to do a nice thing).

In the interest of turning over a new leaf and being responsible with your money I think you should insist he’s honest and tells you the real cost.

TheMonkeyMummy · 16/05/2018 14:41

When I turned 30, I asked for a semi acoustic guitar. The one my DH picked was just not to my tastes, I didn't even pick it up to play it. In theory it was everything I asked for, but as it was a big purchase, I didn't want to make do with something I wasn't 100% happy with. I hated saying it but I asked to swap it and of course paid the difference in cost to upgrade to the one I wanted.

I think maybe he did it to save your feelings as it's awful to have to say to someone that you want to exchange the gift. But I think, as a gift giver, you have to brace yourselves that your choice might not be to the recipients taste.

I would save being offended for something actually worth being offended about.

higgyyellow · 16/05/2018 14:42

The watch is irrelevant. You have much bigger problems given the absolute lack of communication in your marriage. How strange he felt he couldn't just say

GloriousGoosebumps · 16/05/2018 14:44

I really do sympathise with you but at the end of the day you brought dh a watch that you knew he didn't really want. I see that you discussed the features of the watch you brought but you still knew it wasn't the watch he really wanted. I think you made the classic error of not taking the recipient's wishes into account when deciding to make the purchase and for that reason, you are very, very unreasonable to now complain that he didn't like the present and went out and brought the watch he really liked. As for your comment that you would have liked the opportunity to discuss his "thought process", do you really want him to explain why he prefers watch a to watch b? Isn't it enough that he does have a preference? It's beginning to feel as though dh isn't allowed to have any likes or dislikes that don't mirror your views and also that you would have insisted he keep the watch "as it had all the required features." Present buying is always more successful if you buy a present the recipient actually wants.

Willow2017 · 16/05/2018 14:47

He says he can't remember how much more it cost.

Bull!
He knows exactly how much he got for each item and how much he had to pay.
He is lying and hiding his spending from you. Thats not a good sign at all no wonder you didnt give him £ if he is that usless selfish with it.

Tell him you want the truth, look on the bank statement and ask him why he thinks he deserves something so bloody expensive when money for both of you is tight? He sounds like a spoilt child. I would be asking him for the money from him for the watch you bought and clear your cc. Sod paying up for something you dont even have any more. Tell him he can go without till he has paid you back.

Original poster

Solero · 16/05/2018 14:53

@gloriusgoosebumps As stated in previous posts it's not that he swapped the watch, to be perfectly honest I didn't notice for 6 months, it's the manner in which he did it feels sneaky and underhanded and has actually cost us more money! When I said his thought process I didn't mean in terms of which watch he preferred I meant in terms of how he planned to finance the swap considering the original was on credit!

@higgyyellow that's my point. If he'd have just said something we could have worked it out.

OP posts:

summercat · 16/05/2018 14:54

I also think it's a bit weird to go into debt for a gift, especially to a partner - if I knew my boyfriend couldn't afford a gift and had to make payments on it, I would feel uncomfortable about accepting it, and probably ask him very strongly to return it.

I agree with this post. How weird to get into debt for a gift for someone. Doesn't bode well for the future of your relationship. Sorry OP.

I so cannot get my head around the idea that you go into debt - both of you, effectively it's joint isn't it? - for a stupid fucking watch, a needless, pointless luxury item, that all I can say is that if he's the kind of person to see having a posh watch as so essential, then I'm totally not surprised that he would effectively defraud you to have an even 'better' one. What an absolute joke of a man.

Let me get this right... You bought a watch for him when you didn’t have the money and got into debt. It wasn’t even the watch he had said he wanted. Then he got rid of it in favour the one he did want, it was double the price and he rinsed your joint account to do it, without even mentioning it to you.

Yep this sums it up. I am shocked to see (further on in the thread,) that the OP and her OH and married. Sounds like they need to have a few discussions about things. I was under the impression they were 20 years old and both living with their parents. They both sound very immature.

Oh and @solero - yes he does know how much it cost. I can't believe that he tried to make you think he doesn't know. And that you believed it!!!

summercat · 16/05/2018 14:56

That should be..... Yep this sums it up. I am shocked to see (further on in the thread,) that the OP and her OH are married (not AND married...)

MumofBoysx2 · 16/05/2018 14:58

My husband did the same thing, I bought him a gold watch but he said the face was too big and we went back to the jewellers together to swap it for a smaller ones. It's the doing it behind your back which is a shame :-(

Original poster

Solero · 16/05/2018 14:59

@summercat can you explain why you think we are immature? Just interested in your formation of an opinion off the back of a post. I am aware that I was a bit daft to do what I did but hindsight is fantastic. My question was whether I am U to be miffed?

OP posts:

bunbunny · 16/05/2018 14:59

Just out of interest - did he spend a similar amount on you - either the first watch you bought or the second one? Or did he give you something that was significantly less...

Or did you ask for something less as you knew your financial state meant you couldn't afford anything bigger?

I would also have been a bit upset that he had used joint money to pay for the extra balance needed - if he wanted it that much it should have come out of his own money.

And if he is admitting to it costing £50 more but he can't remember exactly how much then I'm betting that it's at least £100 more - he's telling you what he thinks he can get away with as being a reasonable amount.

And yes, the not telling straight away, especially after agreeing that the non-brand one would be ok, would majorly piss me off too - as it means that instead of being able to swap it because you'd got the wrong thing - most places are happy to swap something for a much better sale! - means that he lost money on selling it, making the whole thing even more expensive than it needs to have been.

summercat · 16/05/2018 15:03

Why do you sound immature???

Because from the way you are speaking and from the way you and your husband deal with stuff, you both sound about 18-20 y.o..

Your first post sounded like a teenager had posted it... And your husband sounds like a spoilt child. So yeah, you both sound very immature to me.

Original poster

Solero · 16/05/2018 15:07

@bunbunny He bought me a silver necklace and key ring so not cheap but nowhere near the price of the watch (either one)
To be fair I am not bothered by the cost or brand of a gift its thought behind that matters. Like buying someone a book that means something or a treasured photo in a nice frame. It's what I was taught as a kid. That's where he and I differ.

OP posts:

speakout · 16/05/2018 15:07

You sound immature because you are not making responsible choices when it comes to money.

I would guess you possible have debt elsewhere too.

Your priorities are wrong, buying big toys that you can't afford- is what kids do.

MorelloKisses · 16/05/2018 15:11

He clearly should have spoken to you. This is not tantamount to lying.

I do understand being given something of relatively high value that works just fine but you don’t love, and that it is disappointing thinking you have to settle for that for a long time (as these things are designed to last).

However, in life we face many difficult and disappoing things, and I would be concerned that when faced with this one, he was pretty underhand.

MorelloKisses · 16/05/2018 15:12

This is NOW tantamount to lying

Ffs

GloriousGoosebumps · 16/05/2018 15:13

@Solero, I see I misunderstood what you meant by "discuss the thought process!" (To be fair to me, you weren't clear) . Taking money out of the joint account to finance the purchase of the second watch is unfair and I'd be asking him to return that money. He should use his savings instead.

bearbehind · 16/05/2018 15:19

This doesn't add up.

If the desired watch was more than twice the price of the original, and you had to buy the original on credit with repayments, I'm guessing that must have been at least £100.

Selling a second hand watch will barely have recouped half its cost.

Using guesses here:-

Original watch £100

Sold for £50
Sold Garmin for £50

Bought a £200 watch but only need to pay £50 towards it

And obviously, the higher the actual numbers, the more this doesn't add up.

bearbehind · 16/05/2018 15:25

And if the watches were actually say £50 and £100 but you had to pay for the £50 on credit with repayments, it's even more bonkers.

Candyflip · 16/05/2018 15:28

I know this is not the point of the thread, but gift giving when you share finances really baffles me. If he is paying for his own present (in a roundabout way) why shouldn’t he have the one he wants. I, like many others on this thread would never get into debt to give a present anyway, so there would be no card to pay off by anyone.

speakout · 16/05/2018 15:28

I'm guessing the watch was more like £700.

Original poster

Solero · 16/05/2018 15:28

@speakout I have mortgage, a car, a phone.... The kind of debts a large percentage of the country have. I also have a job and I pay my way.
I was asking for opinion on whether I was being unreasonable not a character assassination.

OP posts:

OrchidInTheSun · 16/05/2018 15:28

Why are buying each other gifts you can't afford?

Oldandfedup · 16/05/2018 15:35

The watch won't be hundreds in this scenario, it will be at least a grand.

Totally crazy purchase.

Original poster

Solero · 16/05/2018 15:35

The original watch was approx £200 and I got it on credit to spread it out abit

OP posts:

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