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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Just discovered hubby swapped his gift....

162 replies

Solero · 16/05/2018 12:03

Long story short. Purchased OH a really lovely smart watch for Xmas. Not exactly the one he wanted but had all the features he'd requested and I could just about afford the payments on it. However sorting out some stuff today and I have discovered he has got rid of the one I bought and replaced it for the more expensive. Aside from the fact that most money is tight for us at the moment and I am still paying for the watch, I feel hurt that he has done that especially without talking to me first. I also feel a bit of an idiot that I haven't noticed before. Am I U or is he?

OP posts:
BlueSapp · 16/05/2018 12:58

What is he like 5, not getting the watch you wanted doesn't mean you run out and exchange it, presents are about the thought and effort that go into them. If the gifts you "want" are too expensive well you have to suck that one up. and if you want expensive thing save for them yourself don't expect other people to get them for you!

ShotsFired · 16/05/2018 12:59

@Solero YANBU to feel a bit hurt and upset by the deception/omission to tell you, because that isn't on.

But YABatinybitU for buying the wrong watch to start with. I mean that kindly but honestly, for all the times I have been expressly asked by the giver what I would like, given exact details/links etc and then been given something that isn't that...

It's actually a little bit hurtful because you feel disregarded, even if unintentional.

(and yes I know this is MN where people actively hate receiving gifts and only the neediest, most entitled princess would ever expect anything more than half a mouldy mushroom once a decade and then only if they're lucky etc etc)

PieAndPumpkins · 16/05/2018 13:07

That's really odd IMO! Did he think you wouldn't find out, or just didn't care?! And how does the payments work if you're still paying for it yet he replaced it? I can't imagine he'd just be able to return it and get cash back? What a selfish, greedy and thoughtlessly twat-ish thing to do. YANBU.

amusedbush · 16/05/2018 13:09

I know someone who desperately wanted a specific sports tracking watch and her DP tried to surprise her with one but it was the wrong colour. Opinions were pretty divided on whether or not SWBU but I personally feel that if you're going to spend a good chunk of money on something, it should really be the exact thing the person wants.

Your DH was probably trying to spare your feelings and I assume paid the difference to get the one he wanted.

ellsbells2 · 16/05/2018 13:09

I would suspect he did it because he didn't want to hurt your feelings. Considering you didn't notice until you found whatever it is you've found, I assume they're quite similar and therefore he may have thought he could get away with it.

I wouldn't buy an expensive item for someone if it was not the particular one they wanted, I would either give them the money towards it or chosen something else.

I can understand why you are a little put out but I don't think he really did anything wrong.

WeirdyMcBeardy · 16/05/2018 13:18

YABU. On 2 counts. He asked for something specific and you got a different version. Tbh if I was asked what I wanted, it was very specific, then DH got me a different version, I wouldn't be happy either, I'd rather not have it. Also, you should have made him choose a cheaper present. Not got in debt for a non essential watch.

I don't see the issue with exchanging presents tbh. I'd rather my money went on something that would get used than wasted on something the receiver didn't want and wouldn't use. I had a dressing gown given to me for Christmas. I already have 2 and this was 2 sizes too big. I swapped it and haven't told the giver. And I wear what I swapped it for whereas I wouldn't have worn the dressing gown.

JessicaJonesJacket · 16/05/2018 13:20

Maybe he thought you accidentally got the wrong one so he didn't want to make you feel bad?
I can't imagine DH changing a gift without mentioning it.

ittakes2 · 16/05/2018 13:24

He probably didn't want to hurt your feelings. But if I specifically wanted something, I would prefer to wait rather than make do with something similar.

WizardOfToss · 16/05/2018 13:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

speakout · 16/05/2018 13:29

Payments on a watch that you can " just about afford".

Sorry but that's just fucking mental.

So you really can't afford to buy him a watch of that price.

And if your OH is lusting after a crazy expensive watch then he is as nuts as you - and selfish too.

Yo sound a perfect match.

ikeepaforkinmypurse · 16/05/2018 13:44

YANBU to be disappointed,
but I would have swapped it too.

That said, I hate the idea of buying anything on credit that is not a house, and possibly a car if you desperately need one for work. The rest is madness.

FizzyGreenWater · 16/05/2018 13:45

I so cannot get my head around the idea that you go into debt - both of you, effectively it's joint isn't it? - for a stupid fucking watch, a needless, pointless luxury item, that all I can say is that if he's the kind of person to see having a posh watch as so essential, then I'm totally not surprised that he would effectively defraud you to have an even 'better' one. What an absolute joke of a man.

If you don't live together and he's more of a bf and he's actually swapped the items and somehow got you paying a higher debt than you 'agreed' to by sending the original watch back and putting a more expensive one on credit then Shock - I would get the watch back and bloody dump him - that is fraud.

Whichever one of those scenarios are the one, dump him anyway for being such a wanker flash Harry!

planetsweet · 16/05/2018 13:47

amusedbush I think some get more upset at this sort of thing than others because history. If they've always "made do" or had a partner/family who ignore their wishes, something like being given a blue one even though you specifically asked for a red can be upsetting. The way to deal is to find out why. Did the person not listen, not care, preferred the blue one themselves, purposefully get the wrong one (my MIL did this!)

OP, you couldn't afford it. What makes OH think they can? Do you not have joint finances?

Original poster
Solero · 16/05/2018 13:51

To be fair it's not so much the swapping of the watch that bothers me, although I did spend a long time researching a extremely good alternative (just not THE brand) to the one he wanted. And we did discuss going for the cheaper option as long as it had the required features which this did and more. What upsets me is that he didn't feel he could say... "Solero am not really getting with this one, I'd really like the branded one. Here's my thought process" I might have been a bit miffed about it but I'd at least have had the opportunity to discuss and understand. It's the not telling me that hurts more than the swap.

OP posts:
greenlynx · 16/05/2018 13:51

I also think that he didn't want to hurt your feelings. It's very tricky subject to approach. He told you what he wanted, he probably was disappointed not to get it. I would. I would ask for specific expensive item only if I want THIS specific item.
Does he usually fussy about presents and tend to spend a lot of money on himself? I would be gentle to him if not. This watch could be the main (and only) luxury of his life.

MooseBeTimeForSpring · 16/05/2018 13:56

If it’s on finance it’s not his to sell is it? Surely it belongs to the finance company until it’s paid off?

speakout · 16/05/2018 13:56

I so cannot get my head around the idea that you go into debt - both of you, effectively it's joint isn't it? - for a stupid fucking watch, a needless, pointless luxury item,

x 100.

Everything else is irrelevant.

speakout · 16/05/2018 13:57

OP you both sound around 14 years old.

Willow2017 · 16/05/2018 13:58

And we did discuss going for the cheaper option as long as it had the required features which this did and more

The watch had MORE features but it still wasnt good enough cos it didnt have 'the name'!
I would be flipping raging. He got all the features he wanted and more and he was still not satisfied and spent more money just because of a stupid 'name'.

I would be asking him how he was going to pay for it cos you werent.

Jonbb · 16/05/2018 13:58

I think he needs to watch what he's does in future because as time goes on those repayments could start a countdown on your relationship . . .

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/05/2018 13:59

How is he paying for the difference?

snewname · 16/05/2018 14:00

I also think that he didn't want to hurt your feelings.
How was he going to avoid that? Confused It was never as if she was wasn't going to find out.

Furano · 16/05/2018 14:00

Lesson learnt here - don’t buy gifts on Rick and don’t buy the ‘wrong’ brand!

Think when you were a teenager and your mum wouldn’t spring for Adidas 3 stripes joggers and got you a Tesco knock off with 2 stripes. Sure, there were jogging bottoms and had all the features.... but they weren’t Adidas theee stripes!

No? Just me? :-)

Original poster
Solero · 16/05/2018 14:02

In clarification we are married, generally joint finances but this purchase was made on my card so obvs my name and responsibility. The watch he wanted was more than double the price of the one I bought but we discussed many times as a couple that that was an extortionate price for a watch. He sold the watch I bought and a Garmin watch he had been given but didn't like plus used cash from our joint account he had to buy the new one and meanwhile I/we are still paying for the original one.

OP posts:
BarbaraofSevillle · 16/05/2018 14:04

This is why presents like this for adults make no sense. It wasn't the one he wanted and you couldn't afford it.

You should exchange token presents that are affordable and he should buy the actual watch he wants out of his own spending money when he can afford it.