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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or my DH

171 replies

BugsBunny14 · 16/05/2018 09:33

HI all, please help me make the right decision. I have been married to DH for 12 years, have 2 DC 8 & 10. I work in corporate sector and first time in 12 years I want to visit my brother who lives in middle east with my children. DH is not coming with us due to work commitments and he is ok with it.
I found tickets for a really good price, the only issue was stopover in Istanbul for 20 hours arriving there early morning and leaving at 9 pm for middle east - I was actually very happy about it as I thought it would be lovely to see the city but DH is throwing a big fit saying he's not happy about it, it is NOT safe for me to go to an unknown city with the kids, anything could happen to us and that if I still decide to go I am putting our marriage at risk! I love travelling and would love to see Istanbul and to be honest I would be really sad to give in to him when I feel he is being unreasonable.
I was shocked to hear how he reacted, I am grown woman, I feel he doesn't have faith in me that I can go and see a city by myself. Shall I carry on because I truly believe I am more than capable of going to explore a city by myself or shall I buy different tickets that take me directly to my destination.
I would really appreciate your help mumsnetters, may be there is something that I can't see from his perspective.

OP posts:
KarmaStar · 16/05/2018 09:36

Go!enjoy it.You will resent him otherwise.

fuzzywuzzy · 16/05/2018 09:36

If you're happy and confident to do it I don't see the problem personally.

Is he usually dictatorial about what you do?

adaline · 16/05/2018 09:36

He is being ridiculous, but maybe he's just worried and is expressing it badly?

smellfunny · 16/05/2018 09:39

Istanbul is very easy to get around and very safe in the tourist areas. I think your DH IS kicking up a fuss about nothing. My only anxiety would be missing the plane, but not any safety issues!

Original poster
BugsBunny14 · 16/05/2018 09:42

Fuzzy, no he is not - I think he is genuinely concerned but the way he behaved was ridiculous, telling me that I can't go.

OP posts:
User467 · 16/05/2018 09:43

Is it any city he has an issue with or just Istanbul? Maybe he perceives it as being more dangerous?

Original poster
BugsBunny14 · 16/05/2018 09:44

Adaline, yes I believe he is, like every human we have different fears and strengths, he does not like uncertainty and not knowing / planning. I can manage this and I am confident I will be fine. but the thing is at the same time , he has made it clear he will not change his mind.

OP posts:
Original poster
BugsBunny14 · 16/05/2018 09:44

User 467 - any city, anywhere in the whole wide world.

OP posts:
YetAnotherNewName1000 · 16/05/2018 09:45

I would feel very insulted if my dh thought i couldn't keep my children safe, or would in any way put them at risk, but looking at it from the outside, perhaps i can understand his concern. Would you feel completely happy if he was suggesting similar if the roles were reversed?. Perhaps you could ask him what he is concerned about (specifically), and then try and address these issues. For example, if he's worried about the children being snatched off the street, could you book an organised tour with a reputable company, so there was no danger of wandering into a dodgy area? Etc, etc.

Racecardriver · 16/05/2018 09:45

You do realise that Istanbul has not been safe for lone women for a long time right? The isn't even considering the recent terrorist activity. This is one of those things where people insist on travelling to stupid destinations and then get surprised when something bad happens.

adaline · 16/05/2018 09:45

He might be scared, but in reality, is he really going to throw away a 12 year marriage over this?

And if he is going to do that, is he really someone you want to remain married to anyway?

FizzyGreenWater · 16/05/2018 09:46

Wtf? Istanbul stopover is absolutely fine. Put your bloody foot down sharpish - he has NO right to dictate. Marriage at risk? Yes, if he starts throwing his weight around like that then I imagine he very quickly will put his marriage at risk.

The only thing I'd say is that a 20 hour stopover would be pretty knackering! - but you would have a lovely day. Taxi from airport to Hagia Sophia/Blue Mosque bit, absolutley wonderful experience to see both and plenty of cafes and shops. It's as safe as any other city, and very open there, squares etc. You can always not go into the bazaar and avoid super-crowds and the risk of getting separated - I probably would if i was keeping an eye on two at once.

Fruitcorner123 · 16/05/2018 09:47

I sympathise with him. If my DH wanted to take our children to Istanbul I would have reservations. I would go on my own though.

This is what the foreign office guidance says about turkey:

Terrorists are very likely to try to carry out attacks in Turkey. Terrorist groups, including Kurdish groups, Daesh (formerly referred to as ISIL) and far left organisations, continue to plan and carry out attacks. Further attacks could be indiscriminate.

Most terrorist attacks have taken place in the south and east of the country and in Ankara and Istanbul. Attacks are most likely to target the Turkish state, civilians and demonstrations. Nevertheless, it’s likely that some attacks will also target western interests and tourists from western countries, particularly in the major cities.

YetAnotherNewName1000 · 16/05/2018 09:47

Oh, just seen your update...so he would feel the same in any city? What on earth is he worried about? I think you need to get to the bottom of his fears and address them. Certainly i think he is BU to forbid you to take your children into cities!

Original poster
BugsBunny14 · 16/05/2018 09:47

He has travelled on his own - his excuse is because he is man and I am a woman. Wound me up even more when he said this.

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 16/05/2018 09:47

He doesn't need to change his mind.

It's not his decision.

adaline · 16/05/2018 09:47

User 467 - any city, anywhere in the whole wide world.

He sounds quite controlling to me.

Fruitcorner123 · 16/05/2018 09:48

sorry just read you update about it being any city!!

Ridiculous then YANBU

adaline · 16/05/2018 09:48

Oh, and massively sexist.

FizzyGreenWater · 16/05/2018 09:49

He's not coming because of work commitments?

Ok fine. Tell him he either respects and trusts you enough to decide how you travel with your children, or you will go alone and he can look after his children instead. Better start culling those 'work commitments'.

Kelsoooo · 16/05/2018 09:54

I'm going to Istanbul next week.

I don't see your husband's reservations at all.

Even my mother wasn't concerned, and she freaked out over my going to Cuba!

greenlynx · 16/05/2018 09:56

He's overreacting, it's a popular tourist destination, you are grown up and your children are not toddlers. But I can see where his worries are coming from, there are a lot of bad stories, etc in the news so I would try to be more respectful with his concerns. I agree with PP that he is worried about you and probably expressed this badly.
To be honest I would prefer direct flight, it's more convenient, quicker and less chance to lose luggage. 20 hours won't be actual 20 hours in the city. But you might want to see something specific so this stop could be enough for you. I would plan what you are going to see and do, with planning for emergencies and then sit and discuss it with your husband.

balsamicbarbara · 16/05/2018 09:59

Don't forget that at the core of this, this is him being concerned for you and your DC so even if it turns into a fight he's coming from a place of good intentions.

adaline · 16/05/2018 10:03

Don't forget that at the core of this, this is him being concerned for you and your DC so even if it turns into a fight he's coming from a place of good intentions.

Have you read the entire thread? She says it's because she's a woman!

MumofBoysx2 · 16/05/2018 10:05

Why not see if you can sign up to a guided sightseeing tour with a reputable company - it will put his mind at rest and you can be sure of getting the most of our your whirlwind trip.