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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU or my DH

171 replies

BugsBunny14 · 16/05/2018 09:33

HI all, please help me make the right decision. I have been married to DH for 12 years, have 2 DC 8 & 10. I work in corporate sector and first time in 12 years I want to visit my brother who lives in middle east with my children. DH is not coming with us due to work commitments and he is ok with it.
I found tickets for a really good price, the only issue was stopover in Istanbul for 20 hours arriving there early morning and leaving at 9 pm for middle east - I was actually very happy about it as I thought it would be lovely to see the city but DH is throwing a big fit saying he's not happy about it, it is NOT safe for me to go to an unknown city with the kids, anything could happen to us and that if I still decide to go I am putting our marriage at risk! I love travelling and would love to see Istanbul and to be honest I would be really sad to give in to him when I feel he is being unreasonable.
I was shocked to hear how he reacted, I am grown woman, I feel he doesn't have faith in me that I can go and see a city by myself. Shall I carry on because I truly believe I am more than capable of going to explore a city by myself or shall I buy different tickets that take me directly to my destination.
I would really appreciate your help mumsnetters, may be there is something that I can't see from his perspective.

OP posts:

possumgoddess · 17/05/2018 12:54

I am not saying that I agree with your DH, but I do think that it would be far too tiring for your children to be dragged around Istanbul for hours and hours between flights. I wouldn't do that in England let alone in Istanbul.

JamPasty · 17/05/2018 13:03

Dear God, he is being a total and utter tit. What the heck does he think will happen? Answer - you'll be unsupervised and could have ever your own ideas and be independent. Honestly- is this marriage worth saving? What happens if your daughter (assuming you have one) wants to move out and would be living on her own?!!

JamPasty · 17/05/2018 13:04

Nikephorus - what about single women or single mums - are they not to ever travel?

Nikephorus · 17/05/2018 13:11

Nikephorus - what about single women or single mums - are they not to ever travel?
I'm not saying anyone should NOT travel, I'm saying it's statistically more risky. Just as I'd not recommend a woman walk on her own through a dark park late at night if it's known to be in a dodgy area; walking with someone else of either sex reduces the risks. There are some areas of the world where women are seen as inferior and are hence at greater risk. Taking your kids alone to the Lake District, probably fine, taking them to some parts of the Middle East, not so much.
It's not sexist to admit that women are generally more at risk. It's sensible.
Personally I can't see the appeal in a 20 hour stopover, even in the Lake District - it'll be knackering & you'll have one eye on the time.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 17/05/2018 13:13

he's allowed to be concerned about them surely?!

Yes, but concern is not the same as telling her what to do and threatening the end of the marriage if she doesn't comply.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 17/05/2018 13:15

Why so knackering? A walk round a mosque or market and a boat trip... Really? Too much for you after a few hours cooped up on a plane?

BewareOfDragons · 17/05/2018 13:20

He didn't let you take them on Eurostar to Disney Paris because he couldn't go? Really? ]

Wow

Unless you couldn't afford it reasonably, that is ridiculous. I wouldn't tolerate it.

JassyRadlett · 17/05/2018 13:33

But statistically it is more risky for a woman to travel, anywhere.

Can you share the statistics? I’ve not been able to turn up much on incidents broken down by gender.

Lacucuracha · 17/05/2018 13:43

Nikephorus doesn't have any statistics and is taking out of his arse, as usual.

JamPasty · 17/05/2018 14:05

Nikephorus - so what are women on their own supposed to do? Stay home? Yes there are risks going out but you weigh those up. Would I personally go to Istanbul - no. Is it reasonable for a man to tell a woman she must never go to any city anywhere alone - of course not.

Nikephorus · 17/05/2018 14:14

Nikephorus doesn't have any statistics and is taking out of his arse, as usual.
I'm a woman actually, same as you. Just because someone has a different opinion to you doesn't make them a man. (Though your assumptions tell us who the sexist one is on this thread and it;s not the OP's DH).
I haven't said a single woman (which I am) has to stay home. I've said they need to be aware of the risks. Some people on here seem to think that ignoring those risks is acceptable while taking them into account is a sexist attack on women. I'm sure Istanbul has some great sights but I wouldn't want to go there on my own because I wouldn't fancy being seen as a target which, as a woman on their own, I would be.

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/05/2018 15:37

But MN doesn’t have a good record of being correct on that and lots of people were saying the same thing about Tunisia just before the Sousse attack on here.

MN was saying the same about Paris, Turkey and other places at the time. You REMEMBER Tunisia because it happened. That's just confirmation bias.

But statistically it is more risky for a woman to travel, anywhere.

That's just not true. Men are more likely to be the victim of violent attack by strangers. Almost everywhere in almost all cases. Sexual harassment and sexual assault, not so much but my experience is that having children with you reduces that risk significantly.

tl:dr People are shit at understanding statistics.

postcardsfrom · 17/05/2018 15:40

He's being an idiot. it's fine to go, it'll be an mini adventure. Airlines don't do stop overs in 'dangerous' cities.

JassyRadlett · 17/05/2018 16:13

Some people on here seem to think that ignoring those risks is acceptable while taking them into account is a sexist attack on women.

Actually I’m just curious to learn more about the evidence base on which you’re determining that risk. You mentioned statistics a couple of times - can you share them?

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/05/2018 16:19

Official advice:

Generally crime levels are low, but street robbery and pick-pocketing are common in the major tourist areas of Istanbul. You should maintain at least the same level of personal security awareness as in the UK. Alcohol and drugs can make you less alert, less in control and less aware of your environment. If you are going to drink, know your limit. Drinks served in bars overseas are often stronger than those in the UK. Buy your own drinks and keep sight of them at all times so they are not spiked. Be wary of strangers approaching you offering food and drink (which may be drugged), to change money or to take you to a restaurant or nightclub.

Passports have been stolen from rented villas, even when they have been kept in the villa safe. This is a particular problem in Didim, Kas, Kalkan and the Fethiye/Hisaronu/Ovacik areas.

In 2015, 18 cases of sexual assault, including rape, were reported to British consular staff in Turkey. Most of these cases occurred during the summer holiday period in coastal tourist areas. Many were committed late at night by someone the victim met during the evening. There have also been sexual attacks on minors visiting toilet facilities alone. You should be extra vigilant in these situations.

Never accept lifts from strangers. Find a registered yellow taxi and make a note of the registration number before getting in.

Very rarely counterfeit alcohol has been responsible for the death of some tourists. If you have any concerns, seek advice from your tour operator or the Turkish authorities.

So nightclubs, rented villas, late night drinking. All things OP intends to do... Or not.

JamPasty · 17/05/2018 16:30

Nikephorus - taking account of risks is fine, but surely you can see its sexist that this chap won't allow his wife to go to any city at all alone?

Original poster

BugsBunny14 · 17/05/2018 16:31

Sorry but I don’t drink , no late night clubbing as I will be with kids and back to airport at 6pm and not renting a villa either. Just intend to see the mosques and the town itself

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/05/2018 16:34

FFS Bunny you're so square. Get boozed up and party.

Careful of pickpockets and don't carry a handbag. You'll be fine!

JassyRadlett · 17/05/2018 18:58

Bugs, ignoring your DH issues for a moment, as well as the imaginary statisticians, please ignore the naysayers - it won’t be crazy exhausting (or it doesn’t need to be).

The airport has an airside hotel (rent by the hour for as long as you need it) so you could either have a nap on arrival if it’s crazy early, or book it for a few hours’ kip at the end of your 20 hours, knowing that you can just pick up and go to the gate when you’ve woken up.

Unless things have massively changed there is no restriction on you leaving the airport while in transit, as long as you don’t have visa restrictions.

In your shoes I’d try to grab a hop on hop off bus tour to make everything super easy but still see what you want. Or I think if you’re travelling with Turkish they offer a free bus tour with long layovers (but then you lose the choices!).

Istanbul is brilliant.

Original poster

BugsBunny14 · 18/05/2018 13:07

Thanks for the encouragement everyone!

OP posts:

Mitzimaybe · 18/05/2018 14:44

Enjoy it!

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