Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or my DH

171 replies

BugsBunny14 · 16/05/2018 09:33

HI all, please help me make the right decision. I have been married to DH for 12 years, have 2 DC 8 & 10. I work in corporate sector and first time in 12 years I want to visit my brother who lives in middle east with my children. DH is not coming with us due to work commitments and he is ok with it.
I found tickets for a really good price, the only issue was stopover in Istanbul for 20 hours arriving there early morning and leaving at 9 pm for middle east - I was actually very happy about it as I thought it would be lovely to see the city but DH is throwing a big fit saying he's not happy about it, it is NOT safe for me to go to an unknown city with the kids, anything could happen to us and that if I still decide to go I am putting our marriage at risk! I love travelling and would love to see Istanbul and to be honest I would be really sad to give in to him when I feel he is being unreasonable.
I was shocked to hear how he reacted, I am grown woman, I feel he doesn't have faith in me that I can go and see a city by myself. Shall I carry on because I truly believe I am more than capable of going to explore a city by myself or shall I buy different tickets that take me directly to my destination.
I would really appreciate your help mumsnetters, may be there is something that I can't see from his perspective.

OP posts:
TomRavenscroft · 16/05/2018 13:49

Not sure if I should book the tickets or let him choose the tickets he thinks would be suitable

Fuck that. Book your own tickets. You're a grown-up and he needs to deal with that.

Original poster
BugsBunny14 · 16/05/2018 14:04

But I am scared, I wouldn’t want to ruin my marriage for a trip.

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 16/05/2018 14:09

he’s not willing to listen and gets angry if I even want to discuss with him.

he has given me this RULE that I can’t travel at my own (with or without kids )

but then the emotional abuse comes in - you don’t love me, you value visiting Istanbul over my happiness etc etc

Ruined marriage? There is nothing to ruin here. You don't have a good marriage, and yes he IS controlling, and yes this WILL affect your children.

My advice would be that you book the trip you want, and calmly say to him - if you do not wish the children to accompany me because I am alone then I can accept that - you have a right to have a say in their movements. But no, you cannot dictate mine. I've booked the trip which I want to do because I have just as much right to do so as you, as a grown adult. If you can't accept that, and can't accept a marriage and partnership of equals, then we need to separate.

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/05/2018 14:17

But I am scared, I wouldn’t want to ruin my marriage for a trip.

I think it's already 'ruined'.

DH worries as I travel a lot in dodgy places. He checks I've done my homework, he asks about taxis and hotels and trips, he talks to me about cost. But he doesn't 'ban' me. He worries but doesn't control. Because he's a good husband.

ReanimatedSGB · 16/05/2018 14:30

Look him in the eye and say 'YOU are putting this marriage at risk by giving me orders and expecting me to obey you. I shall do as I see fit. Your opinion doesn't matter.' What this man needs is a swift kick in the cock TBH.

greenlynx · 16/05/2018 14:57

About what if you miss the plane.
To be honest that's why my DH would never ever agree to this plan at any city. And he will wait at the airport himself too.

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/05/2018 15:02

what if you miss the plane

a) Don't miss it

b) Airport hotel, fly the next day

Do people make a habit of not being capable in real life? I'd make sure I had a printout of how to get to the airport on public transport, leaving enough time, then get a cab within that time frame.

Or book a well-researched, well-reviewed day trip from and to the airport. If you're worried about cabs, ask at a chain hotel. Fairmont/Hilton etc.

Or book a driver. Through a service.

Quartz2208 · 16/05/2018 15:06

I think either way your marriage is in for a long hard look. If you dont go you will realise that he gets to say what you cant and can do and then use emotional abuse to get his own way - is that how you want it to be.

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/05/2018 15:14

Just checked. About 1hr 40 on public transport to the international airport by water taxi and train from Hagia Sofia. Sounds delightful. If it were me I would check times, incidents of any kind of crime on those methods of transport, have a plan B and research heavily. Involves about 26 minutes walking which would be fine for DD at 8yo.

Money in my sock, a money belt and a 'tourist wallet'. I might even get those tracker things and attach them to the children. Really good insurance just in case. A cell phone with service and data there.

And you know, flights to Turkey aren't that expensive. DH could chaperone you and come straight back.

Ipdipme · 16/05/2018 15:23

@BugsBunny14

Please be careful to check your ticket. A 20 hour stop does not count as a ‘stopover’ for many airlines and can mean you cannot get your bags or leave the airport.

This is not always the case but I work in travel and just had this exact issue (different airline and route) with very upset passengers.

Just a heads up to double check the type of ticket you are on as a ‘through ticket’ might not allow it and you may be stuck in the airport for 20 hours.

coffeeagogo · 16/05/2018 15:28

So just caught up on the thread and OPs updates - if he feels this way about you travelling to any city and travelling alone then he's being controlling and needs to take a good look at himself.

TomRavenscroft · 16/05/2018 15:38

DH could chaperone you and come straight back

A chaperone for a grown woman. Confused Is it the Middle Ages?

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/05/2018 15:46

That was tongue in check @Tom. Did I forget an emoji?

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/05/2018 15:46

I assume you missed the rest of the post which was all about how to do it alone...

Huskylover1 · 16/05/2018 15:52

Blimey, he sounds just like my Dad.

Apparently, at the grand old age of 48, I cannot possibly travel on a short plane ride, unless I am accompanied by a penis (DH obviously).

Goodness knows, how I would manage to travel then, if I was single?? Presumably, I would just sit at home in my cotton wool house, peering out of the windows, in the hope of lassoing any passing male and begging him to get me out for some fresh air.

SilverySurfer · 16/05/2018 16:01

This must be so difficult OP. If you give in to him on this, what will the next thing be that he doesn't want you to do? What will be his next RULE that prevents you behaving as an adult? It's a slippery slope.

I hope you tell him you WILL BE going to Istanbul or anywhere else you please. You sound like a strong, capable woman and your children are not babies - I hope you all have a good visit.

TomRavenscroft · 16/05/2018 16:05

Sorry, MrsT! Yes, I could have done with an emoji as TBH the rest of your post read as a bit overly cautious to me; I found it quite believable that you'd be advocating a chaperone...

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/05/2018 16:10

Overly cautious or obsessed with travel planning?

Tiddler7 · 16/05/2018 16:14

So how is it possible that you are allowed to travel to ME, but not to visit Istanbul..?

Trinity66 · 16/05/2018 16:16

So how is it possible that you are allowed to travel to ME, but not to visit Istanbul..?

Because her brother is going to be looking after her in the ME presumably. From the updates it seems like the DHs issue is women travelling unaccompanied by a man :/

BewareOfDragons · 16/05/2018 16:22

"I understand you would be uncomfortable visiting a 'new' city alone with the children. That's ok. No one is asking you to do that. I, however, am not uncomfortable taking the children to a 'new' city by myself. I will determine what is and isn't possible during our short time there, and get on with it. As an adult and a responsible parent, that is my right. And, frankly, I also think it's my obligation - to encourage our children to see new things, experience new things, and be adventurous. I'm sorry you're uncomfortable with it, but it really doesn't have anything to do with you."

Original poster
BugsBunny14 · 16/05/2018 16:27

Beware, I wish I could say this to him, if I did he will have a hump, he will sulk and would not talk to me and there will be too much drama in the houseConfused

OP posts:
Original poster
BugsBunny14 · 16/05/2018 16:30

Yes Silvery that’s exactly how I feel.

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 16/05/2018 16:33

he will have a hump, he will sulk and would not talk to me and there will be too much drama in the house

But that's all fine. It sounds like it is what NEEDS to happen. You need to go through that, and let him see you are not going to back down. The result, eventually, might even be qa truly happy, equal marriage for your children to take as their template for relationships. Not this fake 'happy marriage' where actually your misogynist pig of a H is teaching your daughter that she's incapable and worth less, and your son to treat his future partner like a child.

BewareOfDragons · 16/05/2018 16:36

Let him sulk.

If he refuses to talk to you until he gets what he wants, that is emotional abuse and you should tell him that's what he's doing: emotionally abusing you to get what he wants.

Tell him you will not raise your children to think that is normal and that he needs to act like a grown up.