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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or my DH

171 replies

BugsBunny14 · 16/05/2018 09:33

HI all, please help me make the right decision. I have been married to DH for 12 years, have 2 DC 8 & 10. I work in corporate sector and first time in 12 years I want to visit my brother who lives in middle east with my children. DH is not coming with us due to work commitments and he is ok with it.
I found tickets for a really good price, the only issue was stopover in Istanbul for 20 hours arriving there early morning and leaving at 9 pm for middle east - I was actually very happy about it as I thought it would be lovely to see the city but DH is throwing a big fit saying he's not happy about it, it is NOT safe for me to go to an unknown city with the kids, anything could happen to us and that if I still decide to go I am putting our marriage at risk! I love travelling and would love to see Istanbul and to be honest I would be really sad to give in to him when I feel he is being unreasonable.
I was shocked to hear how he reacted, I am grown woman, I feel he doesn't have faith in me that I can go and see a city by myself. Shall I carry on because I truly believe I am more than capable of going to explore a city by myself or shall I buy different tickets that take me directly to my destination.
I would really appreciate your help mumsnetters, may be there is something that I can't see from his perspective.

OP posts:
TomRavenscroft · 16/05/2018 16:37

Overly cautious or obsessed with travel planning?

TBH I could do with someone in my life to organise travel plans for me! Will you work on retainer? Grin

I wish I could say this to him, if I did he will have a hump, he will sulk and would not talk to me And? So what if he gets the hump? He's a grown-up; he'll have to get over it eventually.

Shoxfordian · 16/05/2018 16:42

Let him have a sulk. Ignore it.
Don't start capitulating to this because it'll never end. You don't yet sound like a strong capable woman to me because you wouldn't need to post here if you were, you'd already have told him you were going and shut this sexist controlling nonsense down.

Shoxfordian · 16/05/2018 16:43

I don't mean that to be insulting
Please take control of your own life and travel plans op

JamPasty · 16/05/2018 17:26

Seriously, you do NOT want your kids growing up thinking this is normal. Does he have any redeeming features?

Original poster
BugsBunny14 · 16/05/2018 18:23

He’s a loving father to our DCs if that counts as a redeeming feature.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 16/05/2018 18:26

Is he really a loving father and if he is its a good feature as a father its not as a partner and how he treats you

EthelHornsby · 16/05/2018 18:36

I am insulted on your behalf - not sure I could be with someone who had so little respect for me that he thought me incapable of visiting a foreign country on my own. I would certainly find a visit to Istanbul more enticing

Original poster
BugsBunny14 · 16/05/2018 18:52

@ ipdipme - thank you for telling me this, I haven’t booked the tickets yet, please can you tell me how to check it ? It’s the same airline going from here to Istanbul and then from Istanbul to ME.

OP posts:
Original poster
BugsBunny14 · 16/05/2018 20:12

Thank you for all the responses. I will speak to DH tomorrow and see how it goes.

OP posts:
Ipdipme · 16/05/2018 20:49

@BugsBunny14

You will need to check with whichever agent you book the ticket through. If you book online be very careful to check the rules. With it being the same airline it’s most likely going to be a ‘through ticket’ and would not allow you to access hold luggage or leave the airport.

I would strongly recommend you speak to whichever company is selling the ticket before you buy it so they can check the fare rules. Specifically ask if it will be issued as a ‘through ticket’ as it most likely will be. Otherwise you could have a problem.

If there is a connection of over 24 hours with a permitted stopover then you’d be fine.

Peakypush · 16/05/2018 21:01

Hmmm... I actually can see his side of things in relation to Istanbul, but did he really say no city in the whole world? That's ridiculous. On another note I think it's a foolish idea regardless OP - simply because those types of stopovers are awful. You'll most likely face delays, lost luggage, you'll be knackered and I foresee you all bickering before you even arrive at your brothers! Just get a direct flight, you'll have enough adventure in the Middle East I'm sure. Not worth a divorce to my mind Wink

JamPasty · 17/05/2018 08:34

He's teaching his kids that women are inferior to men. I don't think he's a good father.

MightyMucks · 17/05/2018 09:36

OP, Ramadan starts in a few days and that is prime time for terror attacked and the FCO warns extra vigilance is needed. Obviously he’s in the wrong about any city, but he has a point about Istanbul at this time of year and you’d be crackers to take kids there for non-essential travel.

And yes you will have loads of people saying it will be fine. But MN doesn’t have a good record of being correct on that and lots of people were saying the same thing about Tunisia just before the Sousse attack on here.

Kat195 · 17/05/2018 10:19

Having lived/travelled in the Middle East pre and post children, my experience has been that you attract less unwanted attention with children as people are generally family oriented and love children, and mothers are generally well respected. I would have no hesitation in stopping over in Istanbul, it is a gorgeous city and you can just stick in one spot and still have tonnes to do/see. It would be an amazing experience for your kids.

Kat195 · 17/05/2018 10:21

Also I would feel more nervous travelling on the tube in terms of terrorist attacks!

Original poster
BugsBunny14 · 17/05/2018 10:47

Exactly how I feel Kate195 and I travel on tube everyday!

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 17/05/2018 10:55

He’s a loving father to our DCs if that counts as a redeeming feature.

No, he isn't.

He's a misogynist who will teach your daughter that she is lesser and train her up for a man to trample over her rights too, just as she is going to grow up seeing him do to you. He will teach his son to be a misogynist too, thus paving the way for him to have equally unhappy relationships, to learn that he should be an aggressor, a bully.

So no, he isn't a good dad. A good dad is far, far more than some bloke who comes in from work and smiles and laughs and gives them a tickle and a hug. FAR more.

Go to Istanbul. Really - it is actually very important that you do.

MightyMucks · 17/05/2018 11:42

Just to put it into perspective, we’ve had 3 attacks here and about 50 people killed in the entire country recently.

Istanbul alone has had multiple terror attacks with about 150 people killed and often targeting places where tourists and foreigners are. I just wouldn’t chance it.

A4710Rider · 17/05/2018 11:45

So no, he isn't a good dad. A good dad is far, far more than some bloke who comes in from work and smiles and laughs and gives them a tickle and a hug

He doesn't want his young kids and his wife wandering around Istanbul. He's a good dad.

JamPasty · 17/05/2018 12:11

Read the full thread - it's not because it's Istanbul that he objects - he would equally object to Paris

A4710Rider · 17/05/2018 12:11

The thread has contradictions in it though.

Original poster
BugsBunny14 · 17/05/2018 12:19

What contradictions?

OP posts:
JamPasty · 17/05/2018 12:36

By the way OP, I would ditch the Istanbul plan, as it muddies the waters about whether your DP is being controlling or not, but tell him you are travelling via some European city. He can hardly claim that not wanting you to go to Paris with the kids is reasonable

Original poster
BugsBunny14 · 17/05/2018 12:45

JamPasty we have had this discussion in the past where I wanted to Kids to Paris via Eurostar and he said no, we all will go together when we can, you’re not going on your own. I only wanted to go for a day trip.

OP posts:
Nikephorus · 17/05/2018 12:54

He has admitted HIMSELF that it is because she's a woman. So not only is he controlling (telling her her marriage is at risk if she goes alone), he's sexist to boot.
But statistically it is more risky for a woman to travel, anywhere. Women are generally weaker for starters so there's more chance of being mugged, beaten up, raped, murdered. She's not going to be with anyone who can help her or who could be a deterrent (as in 2 women are more off-putting for one man than a single woman). Plus she's taking THEIR children with her - he's allowed to be concerned about them surely?!
But hey, it's so much more fun for some Mumsnetters to beat up on a man just because he is a man Hmm