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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or my DH

171 replies

BugsBunny14 · 16/05/2018 09:33

HI all, please help me make the right decision. I have been married to DH for 12 years, have 2 DC 8 & 10. I work in corporate sector and first time in 12 years I want to visit my brother who lives in middle east with my children. DH is not coming with us due to work commitments and he is ok with it.
I found tickets for a really good price, the only issue was stopover in Istanbul for 20 hours arriving there early morning and leaving at 9 pm for middle east - I was actually very happy about it as I thought it would be lovely to see the city but DH is throwing a big fit saying he's not happy about it, it is NOT safe for me to go to an unknown city with the kids, anything could happen to us and that if I still decide to go I am putting our marriage at risk! I love travelling and would love to see Istanbul and to be honest I would be really sad to give in to him when I feel he is being unreasonable.
I was shocked to hear how he reacted, I am grown woman, I feel he doesn't have faith in me that I can go and see a city by myself. Shall I carry on because I truly believe I am more than capable of going to explore a city by myself or shall I buy different tickets that take me directly to my destination.
I would really appreciate your help mumsnetters, may be there is something that I can't see from his perspective.

OP posts:
Lacucuracha · 16/05/2018 10:07

Ravecardriver

You clearly have an agenda. Istanbul is fine.

greenlynx · 16/05/2018 10:12

He has travelled on his own - his excuse is because he is man and I am a woman.
He has a point especially when we are talking about travelling to the Middle East. And you will be with children which is more complicated.
Try to see his side and win him over with good planning. What would your children prefer?
I'm asking as mine will be all for short straight flight, not too early in the morning!

Hoppinggreen · 16/05/2018 10:16

I think he has a point about you being a woman unfortunately.
As a woman I would have concerns about visiting a city in a largely Islamic country alone ( or with dc) and given the FO advice on Turkey I would be a bit worried about it.
My feminist part says sod him you should be able to travel where you want to but to be honest I would take his feelings into consideration and book other tickets
As I say to DH sometimes, you don’t have to agree with me but I would be much happier if you could do/not do XYZ and if it’s not a big deal he will and vice versa

adaline · 16/05/2018 10:17

As a woman I would have concerns about visiting a city in a largely Islamic country alone ( or with dc) and given the FO advice on Turkey I would be a bit worried about it.

He's allowed to be worried. What he's not allowed to do is tell his wife their marriage will be at risk if she chooses (as an adult) to take her children to Istanbul!

Being worried or anxious is not a reason to control someone else's actions.

Shoxfordian · 16/05/2018 10:27

He's being ridiculous
If you visiting another city can threaten your marriage then it must not be very strong to start with. Don't put up with this shit for 5 minutes op.

Jaxhog · 16/05/2018 10:27

I kind of get it. You ARE more at risk in certain countries as a woman. Even more so if any of your DCs are girls.

But if he's worried about ANY city, then it sounds like to doesn't trust you.

I would do as greenlynx suggests. Plan ahead and discuss with him what you will be doing. And reassure him you won't go 'off-piste', and that you'll call him a couple of times to let him know you're safe..

coffeeagogo · 16/05/2018 10:34

I have been to Istanbul 8 times for business and it has always been fine.

However I would not travel with my girls through there. I haven't got any stories to tell why but I just wouldn't. It isn't a particularly safe city and there are ongoing simmering political tensions.

I think your DH is coming for a place of love but you'd know better that me what his motives are

Furano · 16/05/2018 10:34

Don't forget that at the core of this, this is him being concerned for you and your DC so even if it turns into a fight he's coming from a place of good intentions.

Bull. Shit.

Jealous and contorting prole just "have your best interests at heart" to keep you 'safe'. Fuck that.

adaline · 16/05/2018 10:41

I think your DH is coming for a place of love but you'd know better that me what his motives are

But she says he'd be the same about any city - it just happens to be Istanbul this time. If my husband told me I wasn't allowed to travel to another city on my own, he'd find himself single rather quickly!

Worrying about someone is completely normal, but using it as a means to control them and curtail their activities is wrong.

Original poster
BugsBunny14 · 16/05/2018 10:44

I would plan everything and tell him but he’s not willing to listen and gets angry if I even want to discuss with him. I have a girl and a boy and they’re sensible, they would love to have this little adventure on they way to see their uncle.
I do like I will resent him if he controls me like this and the fact I can’t go anywhere with or without the kids unless with him or group of known people (relates, friends, colleagues). The thought that he thinks I am incapable is very upsetting and insulting.

OP posts:
Original poster
BugsBunny14 · 16/05/2018 10:46

Thank you Adaline, I feel the same. Yes he is genuinely concerned but I would like to have some faith in me.

OP posts:
thetriangleisarealinstrument · 16/05/2018 10:46

YANBU Istanbul is pretty safe. I mean yeah it has its issues but its not so bad I would not go there. You my get stared at and a little bit of hassle for being a lone woman but I doubt you are going to be out alone at night or put yourself in dangerous situations outside of tourists areas in the space of 20hrs are you?!?!
Your children arent babies.
I mean I would worry if my husband took our 3yo away somewhere by himself.... but I wouldnt prevent it as I trust him to take care of our child. And certainly if my son was 10 id be a lot less worried.

I think your DH is being very unreasonable considering hes agreed to the rest of the trip. It sounds as though its you being alone he has the issue with rather than the children going that distance without him.

Yes you do get a bit of flack if you travel alone as a woman in some countries but you will be going to a tourist area in a city with your kids for less than a day.... not backpacking solo through the amazon

Trinity66 · 16/05/2018 10:48

He has travelled on his own - his excuse is because he is man and I am a woman. Wound me up even more when he said this.

Oh Dear, I would have lost the plot completely with this comment

adaline · 16/05/2018 10:51

I can’t go anywhere with or without the kids unless with him or group of known people.

Is that really how you saw your life when you were growing up?

He sounds like a controlling wanker. Concerned, my arse!

ReanimatedSGB · 16/05/2018 10:51

Just tell him that he is not your boss or your owner, you will do as you see fit and you're not going to discuss it any more.
How he reacts to being put in his place will show you whether this is a marriage worth staying in. A man who will not 'let' you go anywhere without him is a man who considers you a possession, not a person, and if you can't just laugh at him and go ahead with your plans without poor behaviour, sabotage or aggression from him, then you need to get rid of him.

Cath2907 · 16/05/2018 10:52

I travel extensively alone for work and have travelled alone with my daughter to large cities. I might think more carefully about Istanbul than I would about Brussels but to be honest nowhere is 100% safe at anytime and this is very far from the Syrian border and the hot spots in Turkey. I have travelled alone or with a small group of women in India and that can be a bit touchy at times. Use sense, stick to the main tourist areas, behave sensibly and you should be fine.

My DH worries (he has a diagnosed anxiety disorder) so is concerned about terrorists downing planes, Ebola, local unrest, food poisoning etc.. He was a bit worried about me going to Atlanta when there was an Ebola victim at the CDC but he knows better than to do more than ask me to be careful and then worry quietly.

I'd be horrified if he thought I couldn't travel sensibly alone. Have you travelled much OP is there any reason your DH has suddenly decided you are incapable of getting a cab in a city by yourself?

A4710Rider · 16/05/2018 10:53

I have to say that I would kick up a stink about this and I entirely agree with the husband.

siwel123 · 16/05/2018 10:53

I understand him. Look at the FCO advice. He is panicked and rightly so as turkey borders Syria and there's regular terror attacks etc.

He is wrong to say you can't go to Turkey but it should be a joint decision.

adaline · 16/05/2018 10:54

Please read OP's update before responding!

adaline · 16/05/2018 10:55

This is not just about Istanbul.

A4710Rider · 16/05/2018 10:55

British nationals need a visa to travel to Turkey

www.gov.uk/foreign-travel-advice/turkey

This will cost you about £20 each if you "buy" them at the airport.

AgentProvocateur · 16/05/2018 10:56

Istanbul is an amazing city. One of my favourites. And it’s so vast that the chances of any terrorism-related incidents affecting you are remote. Get a boat up the Bosporus and eat freshly caught mackerel at the waters edge. Go to the spice market and souk. I found it a friendly welcoming city.

JessicaJonesJacket · 16/05/2018 11:15

I'm not sure it's about lack of faith in you. After all, you're travelling to the middle east on your own with the DCs.
I've travelled a lot as a single woman including to Islamic countries and areas with FOC warnings (it was part of my job so I wasn't being an irresponsible tourist). However, I decided once I was married and had DCs that actually it wasn't just about my attitude to risk any more. It can be more nerve-wracking for the people waiting at home. Hence I make travel decisions differently now. imo you have to balance the benefit of the new experience against the undoubted stress/worry you're going to cause your partner.
Personally, a 20-hr stop off in Istanbul with 2 DCs sounds like hell to me.

RainbowFrog · 16/05/2018 11:19

Single parent here... I've traveled all over the place with my three kids. Yes, a woman on her own traveling with three children - big deal! I think your DH needs to get a grip. This is 2018 not 1918. And you'll be there for less than a day rolls eyes

Having said that, if he's really putting his foot down and for the purposes of keeping marital relations sweet you give in to him, please make him pay the difference in price of direct tickets. Put the ball back in his court.

Loonoon · 16/05/2018 11:22

GO to Istanbul. It's a beautiful city and you will have a great time. I have been there on my own and never felt threatened or intimidated in any way.

I can empathise with your husband a bit OP as my DH is also a very nervous traveller however he has never made his problem my problem and so me and the DCs have travelled without him many times.

Is this a cultural thing? Do you come from a background where men expect to be the boss? We come from a background where the mammy rules the roost so that migh make things different.

I think you need to draw a line in the sand here OP. If you allow him to substitute his judgement for yours in this matter you will be sending a message that he knows best and you are just a little woman to be overruled.