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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or my DH

171 replies

BugsBunny14 · 16/05/2018 09:33

HI all, please help me make the right decision. I have been married to DH for 12 years, have 2 DC 8 & 10. I work in corporate sector and first time in 12 years I want to visit my brother who lives in middle east with my children. DH is not coming with us due to work commitments and he is ok with it.
I found tickets for a really good price, the only issue was stopover in Istanbul for 20 hours arriving there early morning and leaving at 9 pm for middle east - I was actually very happy about it as I thought it would be lovely to see the city but DH is throwing a big fit saying he's not happy about it, it is NOT safe for me to go to an unknown city with the kids, anything could happen to us and that if I still decide to go I am putting our marriage at risk! I love travelling and would love to see Istanbul and to be honest I would be really sad to give in to him when I feel he is being unreasonable.
I was shocked to hear how he reacted, I am grown woman, I feel he doesn't have faith in me that I can go and see a city by myself. Shall I carry on because I truly believe I am more than capable of going to explore a city by myself or shall I buy different tickets that take me directly to my destination.
I would really appreciate your help mumsnetters, may be there is something that I can't see from his perspective.

OP posts:
Peanutbuttercups21 · 16/05/2018 12:22

He has travelled on his own - his excuse is because he is man and I am a woman. Wound me up even more when he said this

Makes sense when travelling to a country where women are not seen as equals!

I would not go to Istanbul as a lone female, at this point in time.

Having visited countries where women are not seen as equals, the (sexual and otherwise) harassment, even when I had kids with me, was just too much

sad but true

Turkey is not very politically stable right now anyway. There was a failed coup only about a year ago.

You'd also have to make sure you comply with all the rules when you leave Turkey with the kids but without a DH, you'll need to make sure you have the right papers. (I have been prohibited from leaving the country, not Turkey though, despite letter from DH as I needed to have a lawyer present (or a bribe). Check the rules if you go!

pigmcpigface · 16/05/2018 12:23

Oh, FFS, he is being a wanker about this.

Are you a capable, sensible, independent woman who can read a guidebook and use a map? If the answer is 'yes' you will be foine.

I've wandered around all kinds of cities by myself as a woman. It's fine. You'll be fine. He needs to get out of the 1950s and into the 2000s.

Is he a bit lacking in travel/life experience? Because this is the reaction I'd expect from someone who had never been anywhere outside of resorts. It's based on ignorance, sexism and perhaps a bit of xenophobia too.

Peanutbuttercups21 · 16/05/2018 12:26

pigmc, things change all the time.

I would have happily gone to Istanbul, or to Syria 15 years ago.

Things change

I have never stayed in a resort anywhere. But the world changes all the time.

A4710Rider · 16/05/2018 12:30

The question was posed to the OP whether she was from a cultural background where scenarios like this are the cultural norm, I don't think she answered?

Of course, if she is from a culture where woman don't normally travel alone then feminism won't apply in this instance.

WorldWideWanderer · 16/05/2018 12:30

Of course you can go, I've been to Istanbul a number of times as a lone woman traveller, and there's no problem at all....unless you intend to go to very dodgy areas. But ordinary everyday areas are absolutely fine. It's a popular tourist destination and all will be well....

Original poster
BugsBunny14 · 16/05/2018 12:31

Thank you all for taking the time out to reply, I may not be able to individually answer all the questions asked, yes culturally men are meant to protect women, he’s born and brought up here but I believe he just has this anxiety about stopping over during a travel and seeing a city, his all round excuse can also be - what if you miss the plane!
Yes I take kids in London no issues there and he’s not controlling otherwise but it’s just this thing really where he has given me this RULE that I can’t travel at my own (with or without kids ) - I was really excited about stopping over and exploring Istanbul but this stupid argument has just ruined it all. Not sure if I should book the tickets or let him choose the tickets he thinks would be suitableConfused

OP posts:
BiddyPop · 16/05/2018 12:34

Perhaps, (and forgive me if this is already mentioned) have a look at the FCO guidance on Istanbul?

And to be able to draw a comparison, look at the USA's travel advisory on both Istanbul and either London or the city where you live (if they do the latter) - the comparison is between how the USA views a city that you know and DH knows and trusts, and how they view Istanbul.

That exercise may either throw up evidence to help you talk to DH about the lack of dangers - or it may actually point out things you weren't aware of (for your case, I am hoping it's the former). But it does mean that "forewarned is forearmed", both for a discussion with DH and then to go there yourself.

bakingdemon · 16/05/2018 12:34

Your kids will love Istanbul. If you stick around the touristy bits where the big sights are, you'll be fine. I would recommend Hague Sophia, the Blue Mosque and the Basilica Cistern. If you can fit it in, a boat trip up the Bosphorus is really fun too.

And yeah, your husband is being a twit.

Somewhereoverthesanddune · 16/05/2018 12:36

I know it's not really the question but I would also be a bit wary about Istanbul at the moment (for terrorism/political instability risk not because you're a lone woman) and I have been before (and Syria about 15 years ago when it was indeed very safe!). In fact we actively decided against a trip to Istanbul last year.

Practically, I think this stopover is going to be very hard with kids. What time of day is it? I've tried stopovers like this with kids (shorter in fact) and they get so exhausted it ends up in a tired, agro mess. If you do do it, I'd suggest booking a cheap hotel room so you have somewhere you can take them to lie down during the day.

That said your DH is a tosser to say you can't go on a stop over because you're a woman!

Trinity66 · 16/05/2018 12:36

it’s just this thing really where he has given me this RULE that I can’t travel at my own (with or without kids )

Why are you allowing him to give you rules like that? You're not a child

newroundhere · 16/05/2018 12:38

How is being a woman going to make the OP more vulnerable in the (statistically small) chance of her being caught up in such an incident? How would being a man or with a man give her greater protection again a bomb?

^^ this

Also where does he draw the line in terms of where you are "allowed" to go on your own with the kids? I presume going down the high street is OK? What about getting the train to a nearby town? What about to London? Or Dublin? Or Paris? At what point is "not OK"?

Somewhereoverthesanddune · 16/05/2018 12:38

I should say, I'm not in the UK and would equally check terrorism risk if going to London on holiday.

BiddyPop · 16/05/2018 12:39

OK, I just read the clarification about not wanting you to go alone.

If he is happy for you to go to see your DB, then he is happy for you to travel.

But if he is placing restrictions on you in terms of your movements to get there, that is not on. Particularly if he himself does not impose those same limits on himself to travel without you.

Perhaps it is an element of FOMO that you will get to see somewhere that he won't and he is a bit jealous while he's at work, you are "gallivanting" and enjoying yourself, not totally focused on family?

In that case, he's an arse....

JamPasty · 16/05/2018 12:40

So if you said you were taking the kids to visit Edinburgh, how would that go down? Or Boston in the US? If he's ok with London, what's the difference?

I personally wouldn't go to Istanbul, but like you say that's not the point - the point is him being a controlling tit

Mitzimaybe · 16/05/2018 12:41

Not sure if I should book the tickets or let him choose the tickets he thinks would be suitable

As pp have suggested, maybe you could book a guide to take you round, then that would fulfill your desire to see the city and also his desire to see you chaperoned? Kind of a half way house. It will also make it more efficient, given that you only have a few hours, as they will sort the transport and make sure you have enough time to get back to the airport etc., and can also help you understand what you are seeing.

When I had a long stopover in Cairo I wasn't confident enough to visit the city by myself but I arranged a guide and it worked brilliantly.

Handsfull13 · 16/05/2018 12:48

You need a big discussion with him about it. If he refuses then call him out on not respecting you to at least talk you through his concerns.
You have a daughter together. Does this mean when your children are older if they both decide they want to take a gap year traveling that he will allow your son that experience but not your daughter.
It isn't as simple as this flight or that one it's why he feels this way and how it effects you as a couple.

Stompythedinosaur · 16/05/2018 12:48

He sounds like a controlling misogynist! I would be really cross in your situation. You are doing something totally reasonable, and he seems to think he had possession of you in such a way he can dictate where you go.

Is he controlling in other ways?

You are not the one putting your marriage at risk!

JessicaJonesJacket · 16/05/2018 13:14

So you go to London and the Middle East on your own. Where does the blanket 'you can't travel alone' rule kick in then?

kateandme · 16/05/2018 13:23

there was a segment on the travel show and I remember it did say that Istanbul was marked safe to travel to now after all the previous troubles
you sound fully confident.if you research it well ithink such a short stopover could be really fun and especially if you are all excited for it.
get the info.put it infront of you hubbie.how yo uwill keep safe,what to tell the kids and how to makesure you all know what to do in any and a mixture of situations.tell him you a grateful and love his concern but then stop,and tell him you will still be going.and youd be grateful now with his support on making sure its ok and that you can work together to put any safety plans in place or his ideas on where to stay etc.but that yo uwill be going.
im more so on this because of the way he has voiced his concern isn't talking to you or voicing but demanding and telling you you aren't allowed.this screams all kinds of wrong for me right there.
it would have been easier to discuss and think through had he come to you gently.in a loving way.
to me I think you really sound like you could do this absolutely confidently. so I want to say you have to go for it.
from reading previous posters I must admit im a bit fearful for you but nowadays in any big city with previous terrorist attacks I scared of most places!
what does you gut tell you

YetAnotherSpartacus · 16/05/2018 13:26

As pp have suggested, maybe you could book a guide to take you round, then that would fulfill your desire to see the city and also his desire to see you chaperoned

Fuck being chaperoned, but a good guide will be able to beat the queues and also fight off the carpet sellers. Just be aware that you will likely end up going for apple tea at his/her cousin's place and they will fawn over your DCs and try to sell you a fucking carpet.

pigmcpigface · 16/05/2018 13:32

Look, there's a tiny chance of being caught up in a terrorist attack in any major city these days. Would you say to someone "No, no, no, you can't possibly walk around London/Paris alone... what if there are terrorists?" Grin

She's going to be in Istanbul, which is on the FCO 'safe to travel' list for a matter of a few hours. She's not proposing to wander around on the Syrian border, to try to get a selfie with ISIS.

Original poster
BugsBunny14 · 16/05/2018 13:33

Kate I would like to do that but then the emotional abuse comes in - you don’t love me, you value visiting Istanbul over my happiness etc etc . Gut feeling is it will be all good and we will have a great time. I don’t even think he would agree for a guide because what if he’s a dodgy guy and kidnaps usHmm

OP posts:
YetAnotherSpartacus · 16/05/2018 13:38

There are plenty of women guides.

But there are bigger issues here, no?

pigmcpigface · 16/05/2018 13:42

"you don’t love me, you value visiting Istanbul over my happiness etc etc"

He's a controlling arse.

BouleBaker · 16/05/2018 13:45

It’s got nothing to do with your safety and everything to do with him controlling you and your movements. His arguments are fatuous and facile. Go, see Istanbul and ask your husband to seek help for his issues.