No proposal for 12 yrs, now marrying someone else!

[fikit]

I have no idea what to do.

In short - I was with my ex partner for 12 years, through university, graduate careers etc. We have two DDs together.

Didn’t worry too much about marriage before children - after DD2 was born, we talked about it and he told me that he wasn’t ‘keen’ on the idea of marriage - rolled out the old ‘piece of paper to show how much I love you’ line and I was a little hurt that I’d miss out on a celebration and all the vows, and the looking down the aisle but, but I decided not to push it. We had a great relationship, two beautiful daughters, a house I adored and in the scope of things, my happiness wasn’t contingent on marriage.

We split last year after his affair with his now fiancé. Went from me, to her, to engaged to her in six months. They are getting married in July (day before my birthday) and want my DDs there.

I am not invited (obviously) but his mother has asked that I drop off the girls in the morning and pick them up from the reception?! She doesn’t drive otherwise she’d ‘do it herself to avoid any upset(?!)’ as XP really wants the girls there. As horrendously hurt as I am about the wedding, this is very much the proverbial straw on the proverbial camel.

AIBU to be completely WTF about this? Also - what do I do? I don’t want the girls there as this whole thing is destroying me, but he is their father.

Sorry for the long post, but help, please.

So XP moved 50 miles away, did he? That's going to make contact difficult afterwards isn't it? Will he expect you to do the transport for that as well? Sorry, I'd be saying transport is down to him. He'll have to organise and pay for a taxi and someone you trust to come and get the dds. Why should you put yourself out? And isn't this wedding going to be a sad and confusing event for the DDS anyway? They're old enough to understand and wonder why their dad's marrying someone else, not their mum.

I don't think people saying don't send them are necessarily saying so for revenge purposes though loonoon. There are a number of reasons why this might not be a good idea, both welfare and logistics related.

These are fairly young children. Their father recently split up their family unit, which is going to have had an impact on them, and he's now marrying someone they can't possibly know very well. I mean, many people don't even introduce a new partner to their DC at this stage, let alone more. It'll be a big event, lots of people, all new and unusual. Some 6 and 4 year olds would love that but it's not exactly unusual for children of that age to not enjoy this type of setup either, let's be honest.

This is before factoring in the logistics. Their dad, the person at the wedding they know best, clearly can't be the one to look after them. No real plans have been made regarding their care, and XP also appears to want them doing a 100 mile round trip on the day. These things would all be issues in themselves even if OP and XP were still together and she for some reason wasn't going (like eg if he were going to be best man and she wasn't invited or whatever).

This is the problem with young children at the wedding of their parent/s. It comes up all the time. Someone has to look after them, parent can't do it, the most obvious candidates are all at the wedding too. Whichever way you slice it, this is not a very practical plan, even if OP didn't give a shit about the marriage. There's not really been any attempt to make it work for them. And the 4 year old in particular is still of an age to make herself and quite possibly a number of people around her miserable if she's not happy.

OP I'm sorry to say it but I agree with some of the previous posters about the school fees. Wouldn't be getting too cozy at the new school if I were you. He's a dick. She's going to get pregnant soon enough. He's got a hold over you. Might be better to cut the rope now.

lasttimeround puts it very well Fancy clothes, at home with family for the kids. They are still so young i really dont see why they should have to participate in a big formal occasion that for them must be really confusing. Its a lot for him tk expect of them.

Yes, a small do for the children and close family would be ideal. The girls could dress up and feel special, rather than just hanging around without a parent's full attention at an adult event.

Racecardriver, great fun but perhaps not ideal for the OP's daughters for Mummy to suddenly develop a Special Friend on the day that Daddy marries someone they barely know...

How would you feel if your ex stopped your children going to your wedding i bet you would not like it.. so dtop suggesting that because that sort of stubbonness does come back to bite you when you want the children for something on his contact days

Has the OP suggested stopping this? It's about the OP being expected to chauffeur her children to the wedding, a) at all b) on her birthday c) to someone who, in the usual decent interval of such relationships would barely have got to introductions to the children.

This post has given me rage mode! OP I am so angry on your behalf, ESPECIALLY that the wanker HAD to organise his wedding on your birthday weekend. REALLY? It's all so nasty! Agree with everyone saying not your problem to get them there or back - let's see what he replies to your message. I really feel for you though OP, what a dreadful and heartbreaking time and how unbelievably upsetting.

I think you might need to consider exactly WHY he wants the girls at his wedding when he can't be arsed to make proper arrangements to get them there, look after them on the day, then return them.

To show them off - and have everyone who might be thinking that actually he's a bit of a shit to dump his long-term partner and mother of his children then marry the OW in no time flat - Awwwww how sweet of him, perhaps he's not such a bad guy, look how much he loves his girls to have them at cute little decorations at his wedding to the OW.

If he was really THAT bothered about the welfare of his own children he wouldn't be asking their discarded mother to put herself to massive inconvenience and considerable personal distress by driving a ridiculous round trip to the wedding of their father to the OW!

I reckon he wants the girls there for purely selfish reasons. To portray himself as a loving father. No man who treats the mother of his children like a doormat, chauffeur, discarded whatever, is a good father. A good father, even when the relationship breaks down, treats the mother of his children with consideration and respect.

Oh, and I wouldn't send them. They are too young to be effectively alone all day and will be confused seeing their father marry someone else whilst there mother is refused entry.

What jumped out at me from the first post was that he got his mum to broach this with you. I think he knows he's in the wrong.

OP the truth is that this is going to be a difficult day whatever happens because the whole thing shouldn't be happening in the first place. But it is. And the main thing is to get it behind you with minimum damage to the children.

However, fwiw, personally I would collect them from the ceremony or after the foodles before the speeches if it meant the children didn't have to endure being superfluous once they had done their flower girl turn. But I would expect the ex and his family to take care of them in the lead up so that they can enjoy the excitement of getting ready with their dad when OW isn't around. If dad can't cope with that he shouldn't really be including them in his big day at all.

Hugs for you, though. It's shit.

@Worridmum

I'm evidently becoming over-invested in this, but I have to object to what you said And the courts do NOT look favibly on rp that refuse to allow the children to go to there fathers wedding

That is complete toss. Courts look unfavourably on any parent who acts against the children's best interests. Asking two very small girls to attend a knee-jerk wedding to an OW who has apparently not shown any particular interest in them, and excluding the possibility of said children being looked after by someone who is 100% engaged with them at what is after all a difficult event is decidedly not in the children's interests. Bear in mind this man has chosen to move away from the children geographically as well. Not to the other side of the world, but he is evidently someone who puts himself and his needs first.

My comment was not to the OP but to the people suggedting she refuses to let them go.

The OP is handling it perfectly.

So - have texted XP to no reply, adv him that the girls getting there will be his responsibility, but to discuss this with me first, as it’s a long way for them to go if he’s not doing it, nor any of his family, and I will want someone supervising them on this trip, and confirming that sister is taking responsibility for them.

Your text was perfect. It was cruel of them to ask you to drive to his wedding reception and hang around in the car park outside and cowardly of him to leave it to his Mum to make the request.

I'm surprised he isn't driving over for them himself the night before and arranging for them to stay with him and his family in the hotel.

As long as someone trusted drives them home from the Reception they'll be fine, may well sleep in the car and you'll be there to meet them with a big hug when they get home.

If he isn't prepared to make suitable arrangements and his sister and Mum unable to spend the whole day caring for them then he'll have to take the decision it won't be possible for your DD's to attend. It sounds like they would be happy with that if you explained in a sensitive way.

Good luck in your new flat, exciting for you and your girls

Ok @Worridmum However, I think I'm among the people suggesting the OP not let them go. I think I gave good reasons, all of which were - to my mind - in the children's best interests, and had nothing to do with revenge on XP or scoring points. I think @lasttimeround's suggestion is an excellent compromise.

Grand wizard of Cuntery strikes again. I wouldn’t let my kids near her so soon after that, it could be damaging for the kids.

Also please don’t call her lucky! She’s about to marry a man who cheated on his partner of 12 years and left his two young kids for somebody else, and is shortly after getting married. Sounds like the absolute opposite of a catch. 🤢 and she sounds desperate to want to dive into a marriage with that

@worridmum

And the courts do NOT look favibly on rp that refuse to allow the children to go to there fathers wedding.

Oh feck off with your grandstanding 😂 What do you think, that he'll sue for custody and the court will remove young children from their mother just because she didn't let them go to a wedding they didn't want to go to anyway?

Bloody cheek - and appallingly bad taste - to organise for them to be flower-girls, you need to draw a line in the sand now or you'll be walked over in future. His mother sounds as bad, it's demented to expect you to have anything to do with the wedding.

Take them away on holiday. I absolutely wouldn't allow it.

Stand your ground OP. I didn't go to my Dad's wedding to his OW when I was 24, as I couldn't in all conscience wish them well, due to the hurt they had caused my Mum, as well as the OWs ex husband, of whom I was very fond.

This is not your circus and not your monkeys. You are not his staff, or the Nanny. If he wants them there, it is his to sort out. I don't see why you should have to deal with the inevitable tears and stress from your daughters after the event. Let their grandparents, aunts etc do that bit.

Yes but the courts see the relentionship with the father and his family IS important for the children they are as much there family as the OP parents sisters etc and the courts do look unfavioubly on RP being delbratly arwkard no ifs and no buts.

Just like they would if the NRP refused to give up his contact weekend for a big family event of the RP. You cannot just say its confusing for the children to she there father marrying someone then think its perfectly fine seeing their mother marry someone thats not their father...

If he wants them there, he can drive 50 miles ot collect them, look after them as well as any other calls on his time on the day, and drive them back the next day. He is a parent too and has full parental responsibilities 24/7 just as you do. You have not suddenly become his chuffing Uber driver.

No need to come across as a bitch in any way. Just send him an unambiguous message saying that you understand he wants them there and that's fine. But he must understand that this is still incredibly upsetting to you, so please can he come to collect them and drop them back next day. That you're sure he is sensitive enough to realise that you running around at his convenience for his wedding day would make you feel like a taxi-service and you hope he has more respect for you than to expect that.

OP i think your stance is correct - you are not preventing it but you have refused to actually facilitate it I think that is right

I'm sorry you're being put through this horribly cruel ordeal op.

He's put you in an awful situation here, very hurtful indeed.

Personally I think the 4 year old is too young to be away from you all day/evening. I wouldn't agree to her going without a close family member taking them under their wings tbh.

The 6 year old is seeking your approval and naturally doesn't want to do anything to upset you. I think I'd make it very clear to her that she is allowed to go if she wants to go as long as her Daddy arranges how she is going to be looked after.

You are better off without this guy, I agree with others that he's jumping into marriage to justify his affair.
Leave them too it, when the monotony sets in reality will seem familiar as it was with yourself.
The grass is rarely greener on the other side

Firstly OP I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this and I think that you are behaving very well.

In my younger days I would have been the firebrand - don't let them go, how dare he ask etc etc.

As I have got older my views have softened somewhat. I would do as an earlier poster suggested. I would take them and hang around as I would not want to be too far from them if they need me. I would also want to pick them up after what will be a very strange day for them. I would put them first and even if they say they don't want to go they will be curious. If they get there and absolutely hate it you can just take them and do something lovely with them.

Re the school fees issue - I am with you. If your daughters are happy and you don't want to move them then don't - any extra bit of stability can only be a good thing for them.

That's just my view - you must do what is best for you and you daughters - sending you my very best - and try and do something lovely for your birthday but of course it will be hard.

Btw OP, does SIL have her own children, or some other experience that is likely to mean she understands what will be required to look after a 6 and 4 year old by herself at a wedding? The only reason I ask is because I can see lots of well meaning childless/childfree people I know offering to help, without really knowing what they were letting themselves in for, and not realising what limitations it would place on them. If she's got her own older ones and totally gets it, fair enough.

Jesus christ im so sorry op. I cant believe some people are incabable of showing a miniscule of empathy towards you.
At least ypu can see them for the cunts they are. YOU DESERVE BETTER. Tell them to go fuck themselves. God I wish I was your friend op I would take them to town on their behaviour.

is it actually appropriate for them to attend? could a mutual acquaintance find out what was being said at the wedding, speeches and all? i have witnessed a wedding where some incredibly insensitive things were said about the new couple's union, completely ignoring the fact the young children from the recent ex wife were standing right there. the complete disregard for the welfare of his children totally changed how i feel about these friends.

it seems really weird to have your children involved in a huge celebration of the very thing which has disrupted their reality. it seems like an attempt to rewrite history almost. actually it seems really weird not to have a very small discreet wedding in these circumstances. just my opinion perhaps.

and i'm sorry too OP. what an awful situation for you

I think your little one of 4 is too young to be left in their care. Dad won't be available to look after the kids, obviously.
It's all fine to say, "Oh let them go to his wedding. It's only fair." And in fact, this is true.
But weddings are boozy and big, busy events.
Who will your children be in the care of? You don't want a weather eye on them, OP. They're your kids.
As for the transport issue, it's on your ex to sort it. He wants them there? He must make it happen and do the legwork, not you.

I'm all for your girls being at the wedding. I think it's the 'right' thing to do. They can never come back at you and say, "You didn't let us go."
But if you can't be assured they'll be well looked after and if transport isn't reasonably sorted out and agreed to by both parties, then I wouldn't bother.
I wouldn't bend over backwards making this happen, OP.
It's shit, isn't it? But it won't always be.