No proposal for 12 yrs, now marrying someone else!

[fikit]

I have no idea what to do.

In short - I was with my ex partner for 12 years, through university, graduate careers etc. We have two DDs together.

Didn’t worry too much about marriage before children - after DD2 was born, we talked about it and he told me that he wasn’t ‘keen’ on the idea of marriage - rolled out the old ‘piece of paper to show how much I love you’ line and I was a little hurt that I’d miss out on a celebration and all the vows, and the looking down the aisle but, but I decided not to push it. We had a great relationship, two beautiful daughters, a house I adored and in the scope of things, my happiness wasn’t contingent on marriage.

We split last year after his affair with his now fiancé. Went from me, to her, to engaged to her in six months. They are getting married in July (day before my birthday) and want my DDs there.

I am not invited (obviously) but his mother has asked that I drop off the girls in the morning and pick them up from the reception?! She doesn’t drive otherwise she’d ‘do it herself to avoid any upset(?!)’ as XP really wants the girls there. As horrendously hurt as I am about the wedding, this is very much the proverbial straw on the proverbial camel.

AIBU to be completely WTF about this? Also - what do I do? I don’t want the girls there as this whole thing is destroying me, but he is their father.

Sorry for the long post, but help, please.

I have been surprised by so many people saying you should prevent the girls attending. He is still their dad and it's important they have a relationship with him and his new partner for as long as they want to. You are quite right to let them attend and also quite right to not be a doormat but expect him to make appropriate arrangements.

Well done OP for making your DCs a priority over revenge on him.

I also had a long term partner leave (ostensibly because he didnt want marriage and children) and then marry and have kids soon after - the leaving was abrupt and mean with ow involved . It was devastating and disorienting. Worst of all was how his behaviour changed and somehow i was so caught up in trying to be a good person i found it difficult to acknowledge what a selfish weird shit he became. Its like he got replaced with someone else. Just to say its ok not to try to rise above everything. It sounds like your ex has reinvented himself as a single man. Gets his mother to arrange his kids transport. Buggers off on honeymoon rather than look after his kids on wedding night and next morning. Decent father would put them to bed. Or at least spend next motning with them. Plan a wedding on your birthday weekend - even if thats the other woman being insecure and competeing. Really do they need to get married so soon? Does it have tk be that weekend. And why make it 50 miles away from kids if he so wants them to be there.? And then have no plan for travel arrangements...what is he 20?
If you really think your kids should go fine - although he should make proper arrangements imo.
But don't feel you have to facilitate this to feel you are the "good person". You already are, and given how everyone falls in line (no matter what they think privately) you'll likely have no acknowledgement from his folks what a shit he's being. And it only enables his behaviour. I finally felt free (and more clear sighted) when i stopped trying to rise above everything and let it all go as a bad job.
They could have a small local wedding tea. Fancy clothes, at home with family for the kids. They are still so young i really dont see why they should have to participate in a big formal occasion that for them must be really confusing. Its a lot for him tk expect of them.

Dropping the DDs off would mean a 50 mile journey there and then a 50 mile journey back for them. Not 200 miles btw. It'd be deemed fine if it were for a friend's wedding or similar.

I know it's all about the principal of the thing. I understand completely why OP doesn't want to do it. Whatever she decides i hope it goes as smoothly as poss for her and her DDs

Absolutely no way should you be expected to pick them up or drop them off. Either he arrange a car/taxi with a chaperone you know to accompany them, or they don't go. End of story.

This is too much for young girls of that age to understand, and I don’t think it’s a good lesson for them for the future. What does it show them? A man leaves his long term partner, and two little girls, and everyone smiles happily when he marries someone else a year later? Not something I’d want young girls being made an active part of.

Excellent point from Storm4star. This could possibly be an early lesson in doormattery that you do NOT want your girls to have.

(BTW - I don't think you are being a doormat - on the contrary, it strikes me that that you are trying to keep everything as angst-free as possible for the sake of your girls, but children's perspectives are different. And it could also come across to them that they are being forced to take part in this farce when they would much rather be at home with you, eating your birthday cake and having a really good day. You are in a horrible position)

The order will be good for one year then either of you can apply to vary it. Can you get yourself in a position to pay the fees in a year? If he has a wife and child to look after at that point their needs will be taken into account. If he decides to "consult" it will hard to even find the money. I honestly think a year is your best case scenario....He hasn't shown any concern for your children yet. I know it's hard but I'd at least put their names down on the waitlist for a state school you'd be happy enough with.

What is the big deal wanting his 2 young daughters to be at his wedding. After all it is just a piece of paper.

THIS ^

Touche.

I think from your latest update fikit that you are on the right track with this.
I didn't read from your original post that you were most upset about the particular travel arrangements, there was a lot of hurt about your situation in there - which is entirely understandable.
I hope your dd's father steps up on the arrangements for his daughter's to attend his wedding.
I also agree with someone else who said the school probably isn't the only reason your dd is flourishing .
I wish you all the best for the future.

"So - have texted XP to no reply, adv him that the girls getting there will be his responsibility, but to discuss this with me first, as it’s a long way for them to go if he’s not doing it, nor any of his family, and I will want someone supervising them on this trip, and confirming that sister is taking responsibility for them."

Well done! I have a feeling you're going to be just fine x.

It's about playing the long game here isn't it?

He ought to take total responsibility for them on the day but what he should and ought to do, may not be best for the girls.

I think you should be the bigger person. Swallow any of your own feelings on the matter and brightly and breezily ensure that have a good day being part of the wedding to that bitch If that means taking and fetching them, do that for your girls - not for him.

school12345 love it !

This is what I say to my friends (who I can speak frankly with) who say "he doesn't believe in marriage" "he doesn't want to get married" etc.

He doesn't want to get married 'to you!'

There will always be someone out there that changes that, if they ever happen upon them at least.

OP YANBU. I'd tell him directly to sort it himself. Not your circus.

You did the right thing. If you were getting marreid you’d be taking yor DD’s with you and arranging childcare for the durantion of the party. And for it to be so far away - no way would I be doing any driving!
He beeds to arrange for them to get there - with someone they know and make sure there is a designated adult they’ll be with.

Regardless of the distance (which expecting you to travel this is beyond ridiculous), if he wants his dd at his wedding he makes arrangements to get them there the night before and return the day after. Their transport, outfits/shoes, getting ready, hair etc are all nothing to do with you.

Bloody hell, I do feel for you. Yes his kids should be at his wedding, but also it's not up to you to make the arrangements beyond ensuring whoever looks after them on the day will do so properly. It's also his responsibilty obvs.
I'd take the time without them to treat myself to a nice mani/pedi or similar at a local posh treatment place.

OP, you sound lovely. And much more together than I would be in those awful circumstances. Your text was perfect.

I wouldn’t be surprised if the woman your ex is marrying struggles with all of this too.

Is she younger than you? You haven’t said whether she has any kids or her own or not (it seems like she doesn’t).

She seems to have been a bit savvier than you (sorry, it’s an observation about her, not a criticism of you) by insisting on the piece of paper.

But this is a whirlwind relationship that has started in less than romantic circumstances. Her happiness will probably be somewhat overshadowed by the knowledge (or at least suspicion) that some people think she’s the whore of Babylon for seducing a man away from his partner of 12 years and two small daughters. And although neither of them seem to have really understood the practical consequences of having two little girls attending their wedding without their mother in terms of transport and babysitting, they will soon find that his contact time with the girls will have an impact on how they can spend their time together. They’ll never get that blissful period of newly wedded bliss where they can be totally wrapped up in each other and oblivious to everything and everyone else, because he has two young children from a previous (recent, long-term) relationship. Apart from anything else, it’s hard to compete with that kind of history, and at some point she will fall down on something or other and be unfavourably compared to you. And if and when they have kids, they’ll never have that period of being new parents figuring out this whole parenting lark together, because he’ll have done it all before, with you.

And right now she might believe that they are madly in love (and maybe they are), but as soon as they hit a rocky patch - as all relationships do - she is likely to suspect him of cheating, because she knows he’s done it before.

My sympathy for her is limited because ultimately she knew she was stealing a man from his (in all but the legal sense of the word) wife and two small children. But I wonder whether she has bitten off more than she can chew and will end up regretting it.

Meanwhile, you are moving on with your life.

" what he should and ought to do, may not be best for the girls."

That's the problem, isn't it?

You don't sound like a doormat. You sound absolutely lovely and I'm glad this prick never got to be your husband. Booking to fly off on honeymoon immediately after the wedding like two 19 year old virgins in the 50s is just embarrassing - who does that these days, let alone recently separated people with two kids?! It'll be a nice birthday present to think of them getting up hungover and grumpy with each other on the first day of their 'new life', though, and how long it'll be til she starts worrying about where his next affair's going to spring up from. Hope it rains on their wedding day

Here is what you do. Get and blow dry. Put on your sexist dress. Hire a very nice car and and a very handsome male escort/if you have any very handsome male friends ask them for a favour to drive the car. Have 'mummy' s special friend ' drive all of you to the venue, go in together to drop off the DDs. Go have some lunch or something, then come back together to pick them up looking a bit disheveled and go home. You do exactly what is asked of you (and don't risk him making a fuss over DDs school fees) meanwhile you get the one over.

It's just come to my mind too, that to expect two such small girls to travel for fifty miles, take part in a wedding where it is possible (indeed, likely) that they will at best be treated as toys, at worst be pretty much ignored, watch their bastard father all lovey-dovey with another woman and then be dumped by said father while he jets off with his new wife before another hour (or more) in some strange car to go home, is really unfair on them - even if they were dying to be part of the wedding.

They will be tired, upset, emotional and grumpy, and your DD2 may well have a tantrum as she is a determined child from what you say, and at the "little madam" stage of life. What i this means they end up getting told off, slapped on the bum, or shoved aside because no-one can be bothered to accept that they are stressed and unhappy and exhausted?

I think if he wants them there he should pay for a hotel for two nights (one pre- wedding, one post-) all travelling costs (not necessarily car - train may be more relaxing for you all), all of your food costs incurred - and then you can consider taking them down to the wedding if they want to go, knowing that they will be well-rested, and then you will be close at hand in case they need to leave early for whatever reason (they've wet their knickers, or they feel sick after too much cake, or nobody can really be arsed to keep an eye on them).

I wouldn't make a jolly of it for myself, personally, as some have suggested - I would just spend the day in the hotel room binge-watching Netflix or reading, and waiting for them to come back to tell you how much they enjoyed it, or how horrible it was - and then do what they want when you get them back - get pizza or something.

Your mind will be much more at rest if you aren't worried about them being miserable without anyone to comfort them. Hopefully in this sort of situation they might actually enjoy the wedding because they will know that you are close.

(Alternatively train the younger one to say in a loud and piercing voice "WHY HAS RAVENNA GOT A WHITE DRESS? I THOUGHT THAT WAS FOR LADIES WHO HADN'T EVER LIVED IN THE SAME HOUSE AS A MAN. SHE EVEN SLEEPS IN THE SAME BED AS DADDY - THAT'S LIVING IN THE SAME HOUSE, ISN'T IT? WHY HAS SHE GOT A WHITE DRESS?"

"NO -BUT WHY?"

"WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME TO SHUSH? I'M NOT GOING TO SHUSH! WHY SHOULD I SHUSH?"

"NOW I NEED A WEE. I NEEED A WEEEEEEEE")

How would you feel if your ex stopped your children going to your wedding i bet you would not like it.. so dtop suggesting that because that sort of stubbonness does come back to bite you when you want the children for something on his contact days.

I think the op is handling it exactly right. I’d like to think I wouldn’t keep my dds from their dads wedding , but dropping them off in these circs would happen when hell freezes over. The OP should NOT be there helping them behave - it might be tough for them but it’s one day and her dds will be returned to her to cuddle and comfort.

" meanwhile you get the one over."

How & over whom?

And the courts do NOT look favibly on rp that refuse to allow the children to go to there fathers wedding.