No proposal for 12 yrs, now marrying someone else!

[fikit]

I have no idea what to do.

In short - I was with my ex partner for 12 years, through university, graduate careers etc. We have two DDs together.

Didn’t worry too much about marriage before children - after DD2 was born, we talked about it and he told me that he wasn’t ‘keen’ on the idea of marriage - rolled out the old ‘piece of paper to show how much I love you’ line and I was a little hurt that I’d miss out on a celebration and all the vows, and the looking down the aisle but, but I decided not to push it. We had a great relationship, two beautiful daughters, a house I adored and in the scope of things, my happiness wasn’t contingent on marriage.

We split last year after his affair with his now fiancé. Went from me, to her, to engaged to her in six months. They are getting married in July (day before my birthday) and want my DDs there.

I am not invited (obviously) but his mother has asked that I drop off the girls in the morning and pick them up from the reception?! She doesn’t drive otherwise she’d ‘do it herself to avoid any upset(?!)’ as XP really wants the girls there. As horrendously hurt as I am about the wedding, this is very much the proverbial straw on the proverbial camel.

AIBU to be completely WTF about this? Also - what do I do? I don’t want the girls there as this whole thing is destroying me, but he is their father.

Sorry for the long post, but help, please.

Oh OP, I do feel for you on this. I agree that this is for XP to sort out. You could say that you don't mind them going but they will need to be picked up and dropped back by x time, and note that he needs to sort out the logistics and pick up the cost. Otherwise, you are always going to end up running around to facilitate his contact. I would keep language as neutral as possible, to keep your stress levels down, if nothing else. And remember that us vipers are always here if you need to vent.

I feel so, so sorry for you and your DC. Your ex is a twat of the highest order. I appreciate you may feel sore that he wouldn’t marry you and is quickly marrying her but please remember that he is a cheat. She is NOT getting a good deal out of this. Your DC have not only had to deal with their parents splitting but now they’re having his relatively new partner thrust upon them and there’s also a wedding to contend with. They are so young and it’s just too much for them to deal with imo. Your ex has absolutely no regards for either their feelings or yours, absolute selfish twerp.

If you decide it’s ok for them to go (and they want to) then tell him he arranges transport. It’s a 100 mile round trip and he’s asking you to do it twice in a day! Fuck that. He wants them there, he arranges it.

You have got the better deal here even if it doesn’t feel that way. You have lost a selfish, unfaithful idiot- hardly a loss at all.

I wouldn't do it, absolutely no way. They want it so badly then they make it happen themselves.

When my EX got married, he wanted DD there. He and his parents sorted out, who'd pick her up, who'd look after her, who she stayed with and who'd be bringing her back home. All I had to do was get her ready for her grandparents to pick her up.

If you decide to actually do the taxi-ing to the wedding, I suggest you get some friends and go out nearby the wedding so you get a nice night out too.

No need to come across as a bitch in any way.

I'm constantly amazed at how 'nice' some posters are. I've never had a problem in coming across as a bitch, I put up with too much when I was married, once I found out how little thought was given to my feelings the wind rapidly changed 😂

I would not facilitate the wedding in any way whatsoever. What the fuck kind of a martyr are you supposed to be, ferrying your children around to act as flowergirls? Let them do without flower girls. What's more, I wouldn't allow children as small as that to be at any big 'do' in the care of random people, wouldn't stand for it. You'll get no thanks for being obliging, it will just set a precedent for the fact that your feelings don't need to be considered in the slightest.

Apologies - I think a few us wanted a Hollywood version to happen for you. The better real live perspective is set out in your txt to ex ( and viewpoint @TheVanguardsix)

OP you must be so bloody hurt. What an awfully shitty thing Tom happen to you.

I think in these circumstances, any behaviour that is better than throwing eggs at his windows and graffitiing his car with gloss paint is a win on your part. You’re being remarkably restrained. I think it’s fine to say to him that actually, it’s bloody atrocious behaviour of him to ask you to facilitate any part of his wedding and you won’t be doing so, and that’s the end of that.

He can arrange a nanny to bring them in a chauffeur-driven car if he’s got so much money. Or his bloody mother can do it. She’s got a cheek too, if you ask me.

Anyway. Sorry this shit is happening to you. I’m positive you’re better off without this dickhead in your life.

I'm fuming on your behalf OP, you must feel pretty betrayed.

BUT, at least now you have a chance to meet a new person who will love and cherish you.

Nothing new to add, but sorry you are going through this.

You do sound lovely OP and your text was perfect.

As a Pp said, he was too much of a coward to ask - -demand- - this of you so suggested his mother do it instead (which doesn’t cast her or other family members in a good light either).

Personally no matter how hurt I would have been I would have taken DD's bought a gift from DD's and wished them well. These are the people who you will be co parenting with and you will need to get along for the sake of your DD's.

At the end of the day what happened between two grown ups should not be transferred onto the children.

For all you know your happy ever after is just around the corner. But for now take some "me" time, enjoy being single and a mom and the right man will find you.

Would you really have wanted to spend your life with a man who cheated on you?! And no doubt once he gets bored of her he will be doing exactly the same thing. Just think Karma, which is such a beautifull thing when it happens. :)

Show them you are the better person and you know you are.

Juells I feel the same. It amazes me the lengths people (mainly women) will go to avoid rocking the boat, especially when the boat has already been so spectacularly rocked that it's sunk to the bottom of the ocean.

mouse you are totally right. The other woman is getting the shitty end of the stick here. OP, on the other hand, can now get on with her life, unhindered by this cheating waste of skin.

Get a blow dry. Put on your sexist dress. Hire a very nice car and a very handsome male escort/if you have any very handsome male friends ask them for a favour to drive the car. Have ‘mummy’s special friend ‘ drive all of you to the venue, go in together to drop off the DDs. Go have some lunch or something, then come back together to pick them up looking s bit disheveled and go home.

This. ^^. I was going to suggest much the same.

beaver - allowing the kids to go to the wedding - fine, no big deal in my opinion.

TAKING them there and wasting her whole day?

Nah. That's fucking ridiculous.

Say you've made plans already for your birthday the following day, and say you can add on etc or the girls can go with you if they can't arrange travel for them, obviously meaning they won't be able to attend the wedding

What tossers they are!!

@Juells - all I meant with 'No need to come across as a bitch in any way' was, be strategic. Why take any family blame for him being such a shit? Far stronger position, strategically, to play the wonderful woman he betrayed than the nightmare he escaped from. And I think it's very powerful to 'nicely' point out that he should do the driving, the childcare, and behave sensitively towards her. Anger nearly always puts a person on the backfoot. Being 100% blunt with a sweet expression on your face is incredibly powerful.

I would agree to everything they ask then simply not do it.

Switch your phone off and disappear for a birthday weekend with your girls.

Fuck ‘em

All the very best to you OP.

The advice to go there all dressed up and stuff is just silly though. As if anyone wouldn't see through that. Far too game-playing and childish. Everyone would just think you were crazy.

Goodness they are young enough to need daytime naps, help with toileting. They need looking after by someone they know well during this if they go. He needs to sort that. I dont understand how hes being so selfish as to just want them at this event without detailed concrete plan about how its to be managed

seems really weird to have your children involved in a huge celebration of the very thing which has disrupted their reality. it seems like an attempt to rewrite history almost. actually it seems really weird not to have a very small discreet wedding in these circumstances. just my opinion perhaps.

I agree wholeheartedly with this. It's not the OPs fault though and impossible for her to make it go away for her girls. I hope one day he realises what he has done to his girls. OP i think you've done the right thing with your text and hope he comes up with a suitable solution. How soon is the wedding?

Your ex is a bellend, what an absolute play booking his wedding the before your birthday, that's no accident. Spiteful prick. OW has a nerve too.

I agree with all of the above PPs that transport is his responsibility. Could the girls not spend the night with GM?

I also agree with training your youngest to shout out embarrassing things

@Worridmum, are you actually talking about another situation? You cannot just say its confusing for the children to she there father marrying someone then think its perfectly fine seeing their mother marry someone thats not their father... Who has said this would be okay? And who has said it's not okay for the girls' father to marry someone else? I think the concerns are a) the fact that he's, all too quickly, marrying someone the girls barely know and who was involved in breaking up their family (I realise he was arguably even more culpable than she was), and b) - more importantly - that there appear to be no plans in place to make sure two small girls are looked after and have someone there with them who will be solely concerned to make sure they are okay.

I really don't think anyone could say that RP was being 'deliberately awkward' not to think this situation is in her/his children's best interests, and to try to find a way to keep up their relationship with their father without putting them through unnecessary upset.

What a CF!

It has to up to your DDs whether they want to go. If they do, then it's up to their father to make arrangements. Just tell them the truth. That you would be much too upset to collect them from the marriage reception of your recent ex. and you aren't a taxi service. It's also up to him to ensure that someone looks after them during the day, and not just supervision. They may find it bewildering and upsetting to see daddy marrying someone who isn't mummy, and need some extra support.

I actually think you are handling this in a very graceful and dignified way. I don't agree you should get angry, what is the point? It is not going to change the situation, the only person who suffers is you.

That old phrase - Bitterness - is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

One option I would consider is asking him to pay for a local hotel room for you and the girls (obviously not the wedding hotels). They can then be easily dropped off to the wedding and returned to you and you will nearby if they get upset and want to come home. Find somewhere nice, with good facilities and pamper yourself whilst they are at the wedding.

I've read back through the thread now, and understand better your reasons for the stance you're taking, OP. Yes, finances always come first.

They still have an almighty cheek, and your boundaries will need to be emphasised constantly. What I found was that my ex was so used to not considering me in any way that, after we split up, he expected me to be just as obliging. It seemed impossible for him to understand that the rules had changed, and I'm not sure he ever accepted it. Any situation where you place your own comfort first will be a shock to him, so you need to get him used to that fast.

i didnt read the whole thread but i think your relationship had run out of its course for him. its nothing to do with you, please dont be upset about it.