No proposal for 12 yrs, now marrying someone else!

[fikit]

I have no idea what to do.

In short - I was with my ex partner for 12 years, through university, graduate careers etc. We have two DDs together.

Didn’t worry too much about marriage before children - after DD2 was born, we talked about it and he told me that he wasn’t ‘keen’ on the idea of marriage - rolled out the old ‘piece of paper to show how much I love you’ line and I was a little hurt that I’d miss out on a celebration and all the vows, and the looking down the aisle but, but I decided not to push it. We had a great relationship, two beautiful daughters, a house I adored and in the scope of things, my happiness wasn’t contingent on marriage.

We split last year after his affair with his now fiancé. Went from me, to her, to engaged to her in six months. They are getting married in July (day before my birthday) and want my DDs there.

I am not invited (obviously) but his mother has asked that I drop off the girls in the morning and pick them up from the reception?! She doesn’t drive otherwise she’d ‘do it herself to avoid any upset(?!)’ as XP really wants the girls there. As horrendously hurt as I am about the wedding, this is very much the proverbial straw on the proverbial camel.

AIBU to be completely WTF about this? Also - what do I do? I don’t want the girls there as this whole thing is destroying me, but he is their father.

Sorry for the long post, but help, please.

There seem to be all sorts of ways your ex could make this happen without requiring you as chauffeur. He could collect the girls the day before and sort out a hotel room for them, his sisters could collect and bring them back, etc. Go with BrandNewHouse's text and put the problem squarely back into his lap.

Good grief! Asking you to do two 100 mile round trips a few hours apart is unbelievably inconsiderate and insensitive - and the suggestions here of hanging around for several hours in a coffee shop or at a spa to accommodate this make you just another member of the wedding day ‘staff’, although unlike the other chauffeurs, you’d be paying for the privilege of occupying your down time for a few hours til you can go home rather than getting paid!!

Accommodating the girls attending feels like the right thing to do to me but their father needs to work out the rest, I’m sure he/they managed to plan for wedding cars, photographer, honeymoon, florist et al.

For what it's worth, I think you're going about this the right way.

Hugs!

I'd be worried about it upsetting them.

Depending on what time it's all happening, I'd be tempted to drive them, hang around until after the meal & take them back/stay over/go on somewhere else.

I'm know that would also be exactly what ex wants, but what would be best for the girls?

Has he replied yet OP? 💐

You dropping off and collecting also gives the message to the guests that you are 'cool' with them getting married and they should be too.

What a horrible situation. It’s definitely his responsibility to accommodate the girls transport and supervision whilst there. Particularly as it could all be a bit confusing for them.

Although he doesn’t appear to have given it any consideration.

I think I would want to pick them up. Maybe a meeting point?

My concern as is yours is for your daughters. They are very young still and attending their father's wedding to someone who is not their mother without you being around (obviously) is going to be difficult for them.

I realise you don't want to rock the boat with your children's father but in this circumstance when you can't be sure someone reliable is taking full responsibility for their welfare on the day itself let alone the travelling I would respectfully suggest you pull them out of attending. As pps have suggested, take your daughters away that weekend - keep well away.

Your XPs and the OWs feelings have nothing to do with your daughters well being. That is your first and only priority. Wishing you luck and

That sounds like a v reasonable response OP - stick to your guns though don't let him bully you into anything you're not happy to do.
I think it's a completely outrageous thing to ask you to do
and for you OP

I was gping to.say be the bigger woman and do thendrop off and pick up until i saw its 50mils its a too far to be dropping and picking up.

How soon is the wedding? Can you turn up looking amazing with a gorgeous new man you’re going to enjoy the child free day with?

Incredibly cruel behaviour from your Ex, OP.

I really feel for you and do admire how you're handling this.

I can't believe some of the replies on this thread.

It is completely reasonable for a man to want his own daughters at his own wedding. It is completely unreasonable to do anything that would thwart that. At the same time, it's unreasonable for him to ask for favours from you in these circumstances.

This is a situation where you need to be a grown-up - and you seem to be doing that, so massive props to you. This woman is going to be in his life for a while, so your DDs are presumably going to have contact with her in future. The best thing you can do is not to put them in the middle of some petty personal war - you are doing the right thing in allowing this but asking him to make his own arrangements, because your being inconvenienced would be too far here.

I get that you're hurt. I've been cheated on myself, and the pain is just excruciating. But there comes a point where you have to accept that it didn't work out between you, it's over, and that you need to move on. Treat this not as a favour to him, but as a bit of self-work you need to do to move on with your own life, and onto happier things.

Also: the fact that he's marrying someone else isn't necessarily a judgement on you. People change. Just because he wasn't keen on marriage with you when he was younger doesn't mean he can't just change his mind. Nor do these whirlwind romances always work out when real life starts to hit. Life and partnership are about so much more than a white dress and a big day - I think you probably understand this, while he doesn't. Which means you're more likely to be happy long term than he is.

Do you have a best friend who could take them and pick them up and be there for them during the wedding? Someone your ex would agree to being a sort of guest! Poor little sausages, I feel like they need someone there who is looking out for them.

Haven't finished reading all the thread yet but it just came to me, will the girls go without you? Are they happy to be left with auntie or MIL?

Sadly, it doesn’t seem to be that unusual for men who are anti-marriage to do a volte face very quickly in a subsequent relationship

I have also been witness to this, and helped abandoned friends pick up the pieces.

Another favourite with some men is to insist that they don't want children, and if their partner/wife wants them, then that's tough (because obviously male wishes get priority) - then 25 years down the line, when the woman's fertile years are past, they bugger off with some young lass, give her the wedding ring they denied their faithful companion of quarter of a century, and start popping out sprogs as though there was no tomorrow.

I've had two friends this happened to,

CSA is tricky and still being negotiated for the benefit of the girls. I’m not interested in the money so it’s going to go into a trust for their university/house deposits.

This sounds a lot like cutting your nose off to spite your face. Why wouldn't you want to use some of this money to jointly raise the children you share?

Re the wedding, he's a dick but you have to think what's in the best interests of the DC. That is probably to attend their dad's wedding. Can't you drop them off and pick them up, at least for the ceremony?

No need to worry about scruffing around at a glitzy event, if anything by facilitating the DC's needs in a dignified way you'll just draw more attention to what an utter dick he's been and it will ensure all his new family start hearing about how he was with you until very recently. And your DC will be completely unaware of that element of it.

"then 25 years down the line, when the woman's fertile years are past, they bugger off with some young lass, give her the wedding ring they denied their faithful companion of quarter of a century, and start popping out sprogs as though there was no tomorrow"

I think this says far more about the undignified way that many men age than it says about either companion.

In the circumstances I would not be letting my two young children go.

Their dad has walked out on his family, chosen another woman and 6 months later your children are meant to be there celebrating this? It's ridiculous.

If you're not there who us going to be looking after them, making sure they're OK emotionally throughout the day.

I don't think it matters if you look like a 'bitch ex', you're entitled to be in this situation, the whole thing is in incredibly bad taste. If I was your ex's friend I don't think I could bring myself to go to that wedding.

I have thought about this a lot. I know you have sent your XP a message, but it's not too late to re-think entirely. I can't imagine how any father could expect two young children to attend such an event without their mother present. They aren't old enough (particularly your 4 yo) to know whether or not they want to attend, or why he is one minute living at home and all of a sudden not there any more, or how this other woman fits in to the whole picture. The very fact that he thinks it's okay to have them there suggests that their welfare is not that important to him. It also suggests there's a question mark over his wife-to-be, really. I know it's difficult to see things from a parent's/child's pov when you don't have children yourself, but surely she can see that this is wrong? They ought simply to have their wedding, send your DD's some nice little memento, and not drag them into adult matters.

I am divorced from my DC's father, and completely understand why you want to do everything you possibly can to enable your girls to have a good relationship with their dad. Quite apart from anything else, you don't want them to be able to say or believe later on that you did anything to prevent this.

If I think back to when my DD (my youngest) was four, there is absolutely no way I could have sent her off to her father's wedding in the circumstances you describe. If XH and I had separated when the DC were tiny, and if there had been time for the dust to settle and for him to meet someone else who was willing to take him and his children on, and for everyone to integrate gradually, that would make for a very different situation.

Your DDs might have said they'd like to go, because weddings are princessy and fun. But when it comes to it, my guess is that they will want Mummy. Children of that age really do have to be fully supervised the whole time, particularly in an unusual situation. I don't think I could have sent mine off (overnight? Not a chance) at that age, even if they had on the face of it been keen. Children of that age change their minds from one second to the next. I think on balance I would have to say that given the fact that they are very young and need supervision and familiarity, it would be better for them not to go. They can make a card so they still feel a bit involved. In years to come, I think they would understand. If you really do feel that they ought to be there, I'd be driving them myself. Not to enable his crapulous behaviour, but just to make sure they were okay immediately before and after.

What a horrible situation for you to be in.

I suspect he is trying to justify himself and she wants to feel she 'means more' to him than his children's mother

Or maybe she, having seen the cavalier attitude he has taken to fickit and their children, had decided that she isn't going to be left financially and legally vulnerable, and has insisted on the "piece of paper". It does give her a much stronger legal position - and a man who has cheated once, will cheat again.

Fickit - my heart aches for you, but though you are hurt and angry, you really are better off without this twat in your life. He isn't the man you thought he was, he is using his children as pawns effectively, to accessorise his wedding - you DO NOT need to facliltate this.

Let him and his new wife say what they like about you (they will anyway, whatever you do) and tell them to get stuffed.

If this wedding is during his contact time, then he can collect and care for the girls (if they want to go), if not, then he can re-arrange the wedding or do with them there. You aren't there to make life easy for him.

OP, I’m so sorry you are going through this.

If you can face it, this is what I would do.

Contact your ex directly and explain that whilst you are happy for your daughters to attend the wedding, expecting you do a 50 mile round trip twice in one day to facilitate their attendance at his wedding to the woman he cheated on you with is beyond the call of duty. You also have plans with the girls on your birthday, and he presumably knew when your birthday was when he chose his wedding date.

Tell him that if the girls are going to attend the wedding, he needs to make arrangements for how they will get there from your house and how they will get home afterwards, and who will be looking after them during that time. It needs to be someone they know and someone you trust, not a stranger.

If he can sort that out then you have no objection to them attending.

He’s treating you like an unpaid nanny/chauffeur. So you either drive 200 miles in one day so he can show off his kids for a few minutes. Or you drive there and hang around all day while you wait for your recent ex to get married. Fuck that shit. No wonder he asked his mum to ask you. Coward.

I wouldnt be sending 2 little children on 2 hundred mile journeys. Horrible for them.

Wondering if there's a friend who would do the drop off and OP do the pick up. Or vice versa if it's better?

50 miles and back twice in one day wouldn't faze me personally. Round here it wouldn't take long as it's all country roads or fast A roads with not much traffic. However if you had to drive across London to do the 50 miles for example it would be a PITA. In that scenario I'd stay somewhere for a few hours and collect them after the meal as diddl suggested.

(I realise i'm in the minority for wanting to take them myself. But i was a bit of a stubborn cow control freak when it came to contact between useless XH and the DDs when they were little.)