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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No proposal for 12 yrs, now marrying someone else!

783 replies

fikit · 16/05/2018 00:35

I have no idea what to do.

In short - I was with my ex partner for 12 years, through university, graduate careers etc. We have two DDs together.

Didn’t worry too much about marriage before children - after DD2 was born, we talked about it and he told me that he wasn’t ‘keen’ on the idea of marriage - rolled out the old ‘piece of paper to show how much I love you’ line and I was a little hurt that I’d miss out on a celebration and all the vows, and the looking down the aisle but, but I decided not to push it. We had a great relationship, two beautiful daughters, a house I adored and in the scope of things, my happiness wasn’t contingent on marriage.

We split last year after his affair with his now fiancé. Went from me, to her, to engaged to her in six months. They are getting married in July (day before my birthday) and want my DDs there.

I am not invited (obviously) but his mother has asked that I drop off the girls in the morning and pick them up from the reception?! She doesn’t drive otherwise she’d ‘do it herself to avoid any upset(?!)’ as XP really wants the girls there. As horrendously hurt as I am about the wedding, this is very much the proverbial straw on the proverbial camel.

AIBU to be completely WTF about this? Also - what do I do? I don’t want the girls there as this whole thing is destroying me, but he is their father.

Sorry for the long post, but help, please.

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 28/05/2018 10:11

Well aren't you a little ray of fucking sunshine, Jessikita. Hmm

OP, did he ever get back to you about this?

Lweji · 28/05/2018 10:41

As if marrying anyone is a guarantee that the relationship will last.

It's not your fault, OP, don't worry.

Gottagetmoving · 28/05/2018 10:45

I can understand you feel hurt and angry but dropping your girls off and collecting them would be nice for them so they can go to the wedding. Forget the ex, it's your daughters that matter.

Italiangreyhound · 28/05/2018 10:51

Jessikita what an utterly ridiculous post.

Dancingtothebeat · 28/05/2018 11:06

It’s not OPs fault. If he wasn’t that into the relationship he should have been honest years ago so the OP didn’t waste the best years of her life on him and could have found someone who really loved her.

Italiangreyhound · 28/05/2018 11:07

@fikit are you still thinking it over?

Your last post said "Still very torn as to what to do."

I know you don’t want to be there, and a big part of me feels you should simply say to your ex, and your daughters, that you will not be there.

Also you don’t want to"... just drop the girls off" So maybe you could say that. Just put the ball back in his court.

I understand you also don’t want to distress DD1 but it is not you distressing her.

You said "DD2 has no such qualms but is prone to tantrums and I don’t want them to be told off for being naughty when they’re likely just overwhelmed."

I think you need to face the fact you won't be able to control this unless you are there, and maybe won't be able to control it even if you were there.

So you need to pick whatever suits you and perhaps provde the girls with coping strategies.

You said "I don’t feel that there’s any way I can pull them out entirely at this stage as they would be upset not to go." So for me it would be a case of they will go, because they want to and because they are also his children, but I won't be involved.

Is there any suitable adult in your ex's family who could take them and care for them?

It not, I would be looking for a good friend, sibling, aunt, God parent or other family member who would be willing to take the girls for you.

If they could get the girls to the nearest station I'd expect your ex to pay for a taxi to get the girls and their carer to and from the wedding.

You need someone you trust who knows the girls and is willing to help you out. I think you still have time to arrange it if you think this would work.

I would do this for a friend in a similar situation.

If your ex kicks up a fuss I'd suggest he finds an alternative arrangement.

Italiangreyhound · 28/05/2018 11:32

@Gottagetmoving I understand your sentiment but the op is worried about dropping them off and then not coping. She is thinking of them.

Also, I don't think it is only the children who matter. The op matters and has feelings. Her rd should sort out all arrangements himself but he appears to not be able to do this or not to be able to do it on a way that reassures the op her girls will be ok.

KirstenRaymonde · 28/05/2018 12:44

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
fikit · 30/05/2018 21:23

Apologies for the late resurrection but he finally came back to me. He replied this morning while I was in a meeting.

‘I don’t see why you can’t do this, just this once. Obviously I wouldn’t normally ask this of you, but this is a one-off occasion when I know no situation is ideal...’

Goes on to talk about how tricky the arrangements are in terms of timings and if I could help out then it would smooth a great deal over. Plays on the fact that DD1 does not like to be away from me, and he doesn’t want her to be upset or to be badly behaved on ‘such an important day.’

I’m not sure what’s stopped me hurling my phone through the wall, quite frankly.

I am so so angry. He has the girls for the latter part of half term in France and obviously decided he can’t put me off for any longer as I’ll see him when he drops them off.

He’s not ignorant to sensitivity, or tact, because he had plenty while he was in a relationship with me. I’m not sure if this is a deliberate spite or wilfully uncaring but this has utterly infuriated me.

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 30/05/2018 21:26

Just repeat what you had previously said. This is his problem, not yours. It is him who needs to make arrangements that will ensure the comfort of his dds. He needs to think of their wellbeing.

pallisers · 30/05/2018 21:35

oh my god I can't believe he said "just this once".

Would be tempted to reply "if I felt it was going to be just the one wedding, I might help but knowing you as I do, I feel this might be a frequent thing so can't help"

but don't do that. Just say "No, I'm sorry. I have plans. Naturally I did not expect to be involved in any way in your wedding to another woman. I'm sure one of your family will help. Best of luck"

bathildab · 30/05/2018 21:40

Stand your ground OP. Read all the earlier replies and you have handled it with dignity and grace but without being a doormat.

I feel for you. Don't back down now.

ADarkandStormyKnight · 30/05/2018 21:51

Blimey.

Italiangreyhound · 30/05/2018 21:59

‘I don’t see why you can’t do this, just this once.'

I would be so tempted to say something like "I had hoped when our daughters attended your wedding it would be to me!"

But instead I'd say something like... "I don’t see why you can’t do this yourself, surely as it is your wedding you should be in charge of timings and should be able to organise the wedding to accommodate your own children."

Or just stand your ground.

CopONNotLinkedIn · 30/05/2018 22:07

Blimey, I'd tell him when they're older, you'll do it for his next wedding.

But seriously I wouldn't reply now at this stage. You've told him it isn't easy, practically, emotionally.... it's not up to you to bend over backwards to make his dream wedding to somebody else.

KTheGrey · 30/05/2018 22:28

What Italian Greyhound said. They're his timings, so if he didn't take the DD into account who should?

"I don't see why you can't do this, just once" - because you have better things to do than facilitate the organisation of his wedding, astonishing though that may be to him.

pallisers · 30/05/2018 22:31

"I don't see why you can't do this, just once" - because you have better things to do than facilitate the organisation of his wedding, astonishing though that may be to him.

I actually think this man is so far up his own arse that he does think his wedding should be her priority. What a gem.

Say the above OP. Just say "Sorry I have better things to do that weekend than facilitate the organisation of your wedding. I'm sure you'll manage the girls just fine - you are their father."

TheNoseyProject · 30/05/2018 22:34

I’ve read all your updates op and I am really torn! I can really see you want to do the best for the girls but it’s really hard to work out what that is.

Will they properly know many people there? I mean, really know? My kids have lots of relations but they only really know my parents and in laws and my sibling. So at an ever like this wedding they’d technically be related to lots of guests but actually know very few.

With you dds personalities I would consider trying to workout if they could step back from it. This is influenced by my best mate having to attend her awlful dad’s wedding and being referred to in her hearing as ‘the old family’ and not even having proper chairs at the wedding.

I think you should text him what you said in your last-but-one update. His event - he sorts it out.

Fruitcorner123 · 30/05/2018 22:39

I agree, reply and say If he wants it to happen he needs to arrange pick up and drop off. If you haven't heard by X date you will make arrangements to do something nice with the girls that weekend to take their mind off not being flower girls and celebrate your birthday. Give him a deadline and make sure you stick to it.

Thats what I think I would do anyway.

myrtleWilson · 30/05/2018 22:39

I'm inclined to lean towards deliberate spite I'm afraid OP. Who could possibly type those words out without stopping and thinking "hold on a sec". I think he wants to rub your nose in it - with the "just this once" reference and wanting you to have to "attend" his wedding - just not in the role you expected/wished for (in a different life). I truly don't mean to cause you upset in my post but if it were me I'd see meanness rather than uncaring. I'd be tempted to say he has x hours/days to come up with a plan to care for the girls or you'll assume he no longer wants them as ornaments at the wedding. Flowers

Mirrorwriting · 30/05/2018 22:42

These CFs should all be put on a large ship then it should be allowed to drift.

Spudina · 30/05/2018 22:48

Wow. Just wow. Stand firm OP. Stay strong, you are doing great. He still needs to be the one to sort out his children. X

gambaspilpilmyfav · 30/05/2018 23:04

If it is was me I would lose the plot! although would probably text back- No the situation is far from ideal, however as I am sure you can appreciate it is not my responsibility to ensure your wedding day goes smoothly. To ensure I am making myself clear I think your behaviour is truly abhorrent and I have absolutely no interest in being involved or anywhere near your wedding. If you are unable to manage 'our DD' at your wedding then the only choice is they stay home with me. That choice is yours and I will await to hear from you in relation to your plans.

Gaelach · 30/05/2018 23:05

Grrrr I'm angry on your behalf OP Angry

gambaspilpilmyfav · 30/05/2018 23:06

Gaelach same over here.