Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No proposal for 12 yrs, now marrying someone else!

783 replies

fikit · 16/05/2018 00:35

I have no idea what to do.

In short - I was with my ex partner for 12 years, through university, graduate careers etc. We have two DDs together.

Didn’t worry too much about marriage before children - after DD2 was born, we talked about it and he told me that he wasn’t ‘keen’ on the idea of marriage - rolled out the old ‘piece of paper to show how much I love you’ line and I was a little hurt that I’d miss out on a celebration and all the vows, and the looking down the aisle but, but I decided not to push it. We had a great relationship, two beautiful daughters, a house I adored and in the scope of things, my happiness wasn’t contingent on marriage.

We split last year after his affair with his now fiancé. Went from me, to her, to engaged to her in six months. They are getting married in July (day before my birthday) and want my DDs there.

I am not invited (obviously) but his mother has asked that I drop off the girls in the morning and pick them up from the reception?! She doesn’t drive otherwise she’d ‘do it herself to avoid any upset(?!)’ as XP really wants the girls there. As horrendously hurt as I am about the wedding, this is very much the proverbial straw on the proverbial camel.

AIBU to be completely WTF about this? Also - what do I do? I don’t want the girls there as this whole thing is destroying me, but he is their father.

Sorry for the long post, but help, please.

OP posts:
Apricotcrumble · 18/05/2018 17:05

Fikit
Sorry, but if I were you I wouldn't even contemplate allowing my dd's to attend this farce, a farce they're likely only invited to because your ex and his OW want to make themselves appear to everyone that they've 'done the respectable and right thing' by marrying so soon after he walked out on his family.
If your ex really cared about the welfare of his dd's he wouldn't have turfed you out of the family home immediately, and he also wouldn't add insult to injury by refusing to communicate with you!
Additionally, he also wouldn't be racing down the aisle with someone who hasn't even formed a relationship with your dd's yet, and will obviously have no idea as to whether or not she'll treat them properly.
All he's thought about is himself and so has the OW. She's had no regard for helping to break up your relationship, so clearly she's also very selfish and I would bet that as soon as she's got that ring on her finger she'll start making demands to your ex that he stop paying school fees.

I wouldn't allow my children to be used just to please the ex.

Ambs81 · 18/05/2018 17:11

I really feel for you, what a shit situation.

I think if you can, grit your teeth and facilitate them being there.

Your dds will, at some point in their life. look back with such admiration that you did something like that - as I do now with my mum, remembering all the sacrifices she made for me.

As for your ex, and his new partner, she is obviously very insecure and has put him under considerable pressure to try to lock things down.

Put your faith in karma, things often leave you as they came to you.

TurquoiseDress · 18/05/2018 17:47

OP
So sorry to hear about what you & your daughters have been put through by your ex.

If it was me, I would plan a weekend getaway when the wedding is on, take the girls with you and have fun together!

The fact that your ex wants them in attendance at the wedding, I feel is more for show than anything more meaningful, they are so young and cannot really make their own independent decision whether to go or not.

good luck with whatever you decide Flowers

KateGrey · 18/05/2018 21:00

I hope by now he’s realised what a selfish cuntpuffin he is.

Glitterbaby17 · 18/05/2018 22:34

Fixit I hope you and your little ones are ok

chestylarue52 · 19/05/2018 08:25

Maybe go to pick them up half an hour early, sit around in the foyer drinking tea and reading a book, smiling benevolently and explaining the situation to anyone who asks. Jesus, what an arsehole.

Lethaldrizzle · 19/05/2018 10:10

Just no. Those poor kids seeing their dad marrying another woman so soon after the break up. I think they too young to attend

blessedbe · 19/05/2018 19:20

Following to see what the reply is going to be. Absolutely no idea how he thought it was going to go down any differently if he got his mummy to ask you.

Juells · 19/05/2018 19:23

@KateGrey

I hope by now he’s realised what a selfish cuntpuffin he is.

Unfortunately that only happens in films and books. In real life he goes walking happily into the sunset. That's been my experience anyway, and that of most of my friends. :(

Original poster
fikit · 19/05/2018 20:35

Hi - no response yet.

Still very torn as to what to do. I don’t want to be there, I don’t want to drop the girls off, but equally I don’t want to distress DD1 who doesn’t do well with large crowds and one of her parents not being in her immediate vicinity. If she feels she can’t handle it, I do want to be close by to take her home.

DD2 has no such qualms but is prone to tantrums and I don’t want them to be told off for being naughty when they’re likely just overwhelmed. I don’t feel that there’s any way I can pull them out entirely at this stage as they would be upset not to go.

I’m also struggling with other questions and how to answer tactfully - DD1 has asked why Daddy and [Fiancée’s name] have so many bedrooms when they don’t need them but we only have one in the flat. The answer I want to give is not appropriate, but equally I don’t want to lie to her, so any advice on that front would be most appreciated. (I have pointed out that two of the six belong to her and DD2, they’re not guests, those are their bedrooms but she told me that her bedroom is the one at ‘home’ that she shares with DD2 which warmed my heart a little. Selfish, I know, but only a little.)

OP posts:
ferntwist · 19/05/2018 21:27

Stay strong OP and don’t let EXH push you around. I hope you’re not going to do the round trips. Your little girls sound adorable.

FullOfJellyBeans · 19/05/2018 21:41

Bloody hell, I have no advice but you're amazingly strong for your girls. In the long run you have the better deal than OW.

AlpacaLypse · 19/05/2018 22:06

I am going to PM you.

Fruitcorner123 · 20/05/2018 00:19

Poor girls. I cant imagine having that much and kettin my children live jn a one bedroomed flat. They will grow up knowing their dad did this to them. I hope DD1 asks her dad the same question.

Italiangreyhound · 20/05/2018 00:45

"I’m also struggling with other questions and how to answer tactfully - DD1 has asked why Daddy and [Fiancée’s name] have so many bedrooms when they don’t need them but we only have one in the flat."

I would just say, I can't answer that, you can ask Daddy if you want to.

Is he paying the full amount he should for child maintenance, sorry I've not read all posts. Is the fact they have extra rooms because she has money, or has he saved money and kept it away from you and the girls?

"...she told me that her bedroom is the one at ‘home’ that she shares with DD2 which warmed my heart a little. Selfish, I know, but only a little.)" It's not at all selfish. He has probably lost his girls at least for now because he has left at a very vital time for them. But it is not wrong for you to feel glad they know home is with you.

Can I ask why he cannot come and collect them and drop them back for the wedding? Or is it because you feel they will be unhappy without you there or at least close by?

Can you find a compromise you can live with? That you are OK with? You should not have to, of course.

GardenGeek · 20/05/2018 01:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

postcardsfrom · 20/05/2018 08:51

I would be leaving the arrangements for the kids to the ex - he is their father and the OW is about to be their step mother, they are going to be dealing with your girls in all sorts of tricky situations so can start with this one. I wouldn’t go within 10 miles of that bloody wedding, and no one other than your ex- not MIl and your ex will think you unreasonable for doing so. And who gives a monkeys what anyone else in their side of things thinks anyway? It’s not likely that you’ll be hanging out with the OW’s family and friends is it?
And the bedroom thing? I would be completely honest and say that he has more money than you do at the moment and that’s that. If he’s loaded then it’s possible that there will always be an obvious difference in what they do when their with daddy than what they do with you. But i’m Sure you already know this - kids don’t want money, they want their parents time and love. When they’re adults they’ll understand all this better and you sound as if you’re doing a terrific job of coping and ensuring they have the best relationship they can with their father. Which is he greatest gift you can give them, and one day they’ll look back and realise how amazing you really were. And this wedding, if they go? I doubt they’ll even remember much about it at this age.

TawandaT · 20/05/2018 10:27

As hard as it is you're going to have to let him deal with them during the wedding. He needs to parent in his own way and take responsibility for them during his contact time. They will be alone with him and his family whenever they are with him. He will have to deal with any anxiety or tantrums. It really won't help them or him in the long run for you to swoop in.

Presumably he loves them and is invested in them if he's willing to pay private school fees, wants them at his wedding and has given them two bedrooms at his house. The way he left your relationship was shit and of course it affects the kids but he can't see that. I would assume the extra bedrooms will be someday filled with more siblings but I wouldn't say that to them. Id just reiterate that they need to ask him questions about their home with him and everyone has a different home.

postcardsfrom · 20/05/2018 10:34

I do wonder though if your ex-DP has actually thought this through - sure he wants his girls there at his wedding, plus they’ll look cute, but is making them go to this when he knows it’ll leave the older one conflicted really the way to go about getting them to warm to their new step mum? Presumably they’ll be all lovey dovey together in front of everyone and that is bound to be weird for the kids.

Suresurelah · 20/05/2018 10:56

I would just tell your Dd’s the truth In an age appropriate way....”daddy has more money, so he can buy a bigger place”

As for him not even replying, speaks volumes. I bet he thinks if he keeps quiet and gets ex MIL to ask again, that you Will do as commanded.

Ringsender2 · 20/05/2018 12:10

Super-cheeky and insensitive to ask you to drop and pick up - that is amazingly thick-skinned.

Regarding the girls being there, thinking back to weddings that I went to in my childhood, I loved pretty frocks, the cake (particularly the icing) and the dancing.

I was bridesmaid at my mum's second marriage. I spent a lot of time under the table with the cake on, hiding beneath the table cloth and eating icing.

I wasn't invited to my father's second wedding (to his affair partner) and was only told about it afterwards.

I was about 8 when my mother remarried. I had a great day being princessy. I was about 7 when my father remarried and I was pretty upset to have been left out entirely.

I can understand that it could be confusing for them. However, for them this is a year on. It's between a quarter and a sixth of their life (a significant proportion). Kids adjust very quickly to new situations. They also don't have the depth of understanding of adults about the emotional and relationship complexities of the situation.

On balance, it seems to me that it's probably best that the girls go, I would have thought - they are expecting to have dresses, cake, etc. to have that retracted would be really upsetting, and difficult to explain at a 4/6 year old level.

It does seem as though they might be accessories to the wedding, and have a legitimizing function. However, if your ex hadn't invited the girls, how would you - and they - feel?

All that said, absolutely not your place to be chauffeur, and how crass to be told to do that.

And lots of support and prep needed for 2 over-excited girls in fancy frocks, and minding during the day. That is his responsibility to organise. Their father also has to make sure he spends proper time and gives them proper attention during the day, so that they are truly a valued part of the day and not props.

Good luck with it. I feel for you massively.

Whereismumhiding2 · 20/05/2018 12:40

I would make DC available to go. & encourage them to.

Regardless of whose weekend it is or whether it is your birthday. Their dad is getting married and they & you will regret it later on if you let them miss it.

All arrangements to & fro are their father's to make though.
It is terribly insensitive of his DM or him to expect you to collect from his wedding reception in these circumstances.

Unless you were friends with XP or OW now, nobody would see it as anything other than cruel & inappropriate to ask that.

Let him sort out a cousin or friend to pick them up and deliver them home, or they can stay over at hotel or house with him.

postcardsfrom · 22/05/2018 16:00

Hope you’ve managed to get this sorted OP.

Carriemac · 28/05/2018 09:45

What did you decide to do in the end OP?

Jessikita · 28/05/2018 09:55

Sorry but it’s youre own fault. If you want the marriage you make it happen. Not give the bloke everything he wants anyway with nothing in return. Once you’ve had the kids already anyway then he’s no reason to marry you.