No proposal for 12 yrs, now marrying someone else!

[fikit]

I have no idea what to do.

In short - I was with my ex partner for 12 years, through university, graduate careers etc. We have two DDs together.

Didn’t worry too much about marriage before children - after DD2 was born, we talked about it and he told me that he wasn’t ‘keen’ on the idea of marriage - rolled out the old ‘piece of paper to show how much I love you’ line and I was a little hurt that I’d miss out on a celebration and all the vows, and the looking down the aisle but, but I decided not to push it. We had a great relationship, two beautiful daughters, a house I adored and in the scope of things, my happiness wasn’t contingent on marriage.

We split last year after his affair with his now fiancé. Went from me, to her, to engaged to her in six months. They are getting married in July (day before my birthday) and want my DDs there.

I am not invited (obviously) but his mother has asked that I drop off the girls in the morning and pick them up from the reception?! She doesn’t drive otherwise she’d ‘do it herself to avoid any upset(?!)’ as XP really wants the girls there. As horrendously hurt as I am about the wedding, this is very much the proverbial straw on the proverbial camel.

AIBU to be completely WTF about this? Also - what do I do? I don’t want the girls there as this whole thing is destroying me, but he is their father.

Sorry for the long post, but help, please.

Schadenfreude It’s not about causing problems, it’s just that the idea of the poor OP not only driving her kids to this wedding but actually watching her ex marry his shag piece is so horrifying that it makes me want to do the scream face from the Edvard Munch painting.

I can’t think of many things that would be less in the OP’s best interests.

What @IDearlyLoveALaugh just said. I was just going to say something like that... being gracious, you could suggest they do something special with the dd's after the honeymoon. It won't be quite so painful for you, or so horrendously confusing for your daughters. It shows that although you are hurt, you are not going to be vindictive.

There really is no need for your DDs to be at the wedding of him and the woman he so recently cheated on you with.

It's for your children's father to sort out how your kids are going to be at the wedding. This includes the dresses and shoes, any gifts, collecting them from you, getting them ready, , looking after them (could he employ a babysitter for this as he and family are well off) and getting them back to you. You do not have to do anything to help him prepare or manage his wedding. He and his new partner have to sort everything out themselves. You are not to shop for thie clothes and shoes, do their hair, sort out distractions for the journey, take them and /or collect them. Your exP, his new partner and their families are wrong to be using you to sort out the kids when they should be doing this. Just ask your exP when he is coming round to collect them and bring them back. Assume that he will have their clothes all ready - no need to remind him on this - assume it. You are doing well to be managing with the disgraceful behaviour of your exP.

Tokyo

I suspect that we are on the same page but different lines.

I can't think of how to explain my reasoning to you, so I ain't going to try. I'm not suggesting anyone does anything, just that it is a possibility.

I'll leave it now while we are still friends.

Why bother to make the point that the ceremony is technically open to the public if you aren’t suggesting she goes then?

Do you want to stay friends or not?

If yes - leave it now, because we are talking at cross purposes.

If no - fine. I'm never speaking to you again.

I think you’re being weird and I don’t really care whether you talk to me or not, but let’s not derail this thread because that would be counterproductive.

Being facetious but attend dressed up as Kelly Macdonald’s character Nanny Olive in the film Goodbye Christopher Robin? This idea only springs to mind as you appear to be being treated like the home help. It’s your birthday, you can have a day off, you don’t need permission, it’s your ex’s contact weekend with your daughters so let him sort it out. Please have some good luck 🍀 , as it’s been rotten luck so far but it will soon be over. How do you want to remember your birthday next year? (Spa day, friends etc, walk in the park etc.) Be kind to yourself xXx

I’m really sorry you are going through this OP.

I'm still concerned that your DDs are going to find this really upsetting, especially the little one.
If they know all about weddings and so on, is there some part of them that thinks their Daddy should be marrying YOU? Are they going to get suddenly really distraught when they realise that not only is it not you he's marrying but you're not even in the church with them?
6yo I reckon knows what's what and could maybe pull it off (although it would be a bit of an ask) but I'm really not sure the 4yo would.
Although I'm still keen for her to throw up on the bride, I'd rather she didn't have to go through any of this and I agree that their dick of a father is not going to be looking out for them or putting them first at any point during the day.
Anyway it will be interesting to see what he comes back with in terms of the text.

OP, could you finance a two night stay in a nice hotel somewhere closer to the venue? To celebrate your birthday, and to give the girls something to look forward to after the wedding? Perhaps persuade some of your friends join you?
Maybe someplace with a nice pool for the girls?
You could have nice relaxed breakfast together, have one of the relatives come pick up children from hotel and drop back later. You would be close by if your DDs need you.
Next day could be fun day at the pool etc, and maybe lunch someplace nice to celebrate your birthday?
(And really, there is a good chance your girls won’t enjoy the wedding that much. They can be rather boring events for small children. So hotel stay with you might be the highlight of that weekend. And you also get time to relax.)

I admire your dignity and focus on putting your daughters first.

MomOfTwoGirls2

Why should OP do that!? Why should she actually PAY to be around the wedding to be in charge of her children and help the CF of a groom out!? It is his contact weekend, his wedding and he wants them there = it's entirely his fucking problem and if he can't or isn't willing to make it work then they shouldn't go. OP should be nowhere near the wedding.

Because she is more likely to make it a birthday celebration if on her own terms. She could stay maybe 10km from the wedding not on the doorstep.

She can have a birthday celebration on her own terms but also be no where near or involved in the wedding. Driving for hours to a random hotel she never would've gone to just to help facilitate her ex's wedding doesn't sound very "on her own terms" to me. Staying at home doing FA or going on holiday for the weekend would be much more on her terms.

If the girls are only attracted to the wedding because they'd be flower girls, why not buy them each a new party dress, invite a dozen good friends/family over for your birthday and let them be the party hostesses in their shiny new dresses? Strong up some paper bunting and focus on yoruself, on the family you have held together - yoruself and your children during this shitty time, and celebrate with people you trust who love you.

MomOfTwoGirls2 has made a suggestion Crispy, of what OP might like to do - it's not a command.

There are loads of suggestions, some good, some bad, some tongue-in-cheek on the thread. OP is not stupid, or a doormat. She is an intelligent woman trying to make things easy FOR HER CHILDREN, without compromising her own needs and rights.

It's a bloody awful situation to be in, but I think she's bright enough to look at the ideas and think "No, no, no, maybe, NO!-, you've got to be kidding, heheheheh - Oooh, I like that one" etc

You or I may not like a suggestion - but that just might be the one the OP thinks - "I could work with that"

There are human beings involved here - not just rights and wrongs of a situation.

My ex lived with me for 17 years and we had two children. He was another one not keen on marriage, it being 'just a piece of paper' and so on. I'm now very relived we never married as it made splitting up so much easier (I owned and paid for the house so he had no claim on it, no legal costs, much simpler all round).

He got married less than a year after moving out! Our kids did attend the wedding and enjoyed it, but there was certainly no request for me to transport them or do anything else for the big day. My ex paid for their outfits and organised for his mother to drive them there and his father drove them home afterwards (we live in Lancashire, he married 350 miles away where her family live). They covered every expense, it would be ridiculous to expect me to go out of my way to make their wedding arrangements work. The only thing I did was buy a wedding card from the kids, his mother contacted me and offered to do this but I'd already bought it. I'm sure they wanted me nowhere near their wedding - they wanted the kids there so they sorted out every aspect to ensure they could take part.

Oh - btw Crispy - FWIW I agree with you. I know you're furious on OP's behalf (and so am I), but I think you were a bit sharp with mom.

Mina lovely suggestion. OP - also get yourself a big colourful birthday cake, balloons, and ask a friend to take a nice photo of you and the girls.

Just a suggestion btw.

Sorry, definitely NOT trying to be sharp with momof2 just really enraged on OP's behalf - maybe it came out a bit snippy, but the anger is certainly directed at the situation (and the CFers) and the thought of poor OP spending her birthday weekend around this fucking wedding!

OP I think you sound great.

Yep, it's an issue - the main one being whether your kids will actually be ok with it on the day and, if they're not, who is looking after them.

For that reason alone, I'd probably consider being near, staying around. For them. For 'us' the unit (you and your two DDs).

Because this wedding is just a day really. One your kids won't really properly remember. As others have said, they're more likely to remember coming back to a hotel with you, or getting ready.

The future is a long time. What are things going to look like in ten years? Your ex is, objectively, a fucking pig. Has an affair when you are both at that vital, all-encompassing toddler/primary school time - when good men throw themselves in and you're knackered but closer than ever and a real family, and shit men with no sense of what's really important in life... bail out. He bailed. He's now marrying his exciting slinky affair partner after less than a year, presumably because she's also hard-nosed enough to know a good financial bet when she grabs it by the photocopier. (Yep - she's a shitbag too, she had an affair with someone not free).

So - in ten years, it's really rather likely that they won't be together. They might be, but it's quite likely that this wedding is just one episode in who-knows-what the future will bring for your less than reliable ex.

So if it were me, I'd be doing what you're doing and not really prioritising what he might take from your actions. He's really not important, and a wedding between two skanks who haven't been together long is - crass. Give the 'wedding' the attention it deserves by simply focusing on doing what you want to do to look after a. your DDs and b. your own reputation/standing with people who matter far more than him, or her - your DD's other relatives etc. Remember, ending up picking them up to go elsewhere will mainly give the impression that you don't care.

So if it works out that you being somehow involved in pickups or whatever and cheerily turning up to take them away or having MIL/SIL bring them to you to whisk off somewhere more exciting is best, just do it. As if it's some random event. Give it no thought. Imagine the power of a cheery handover chat with SIL - 'Oh thanks for bringing them. Have fun this evening. Yes, must be a bit odd, but there you go... we're off to xxx tomorrow so looking forward to that!'

Obviously, best option is to stay away. But give this 'wedding' the headspace and respect it deserves by treating it as the nothing event between two entirely superficial people that it actually is.

I wouldn't stop the children going. You wanted to marry this man (so glad you had a lucky escape) and considered him good enough to parent your children, and you seemed to have had a reasonable relationship with his family. You don't need the 'named non drinker' etc.

However, equally I would NOT be running the kids to the wedding or picking them up! His weekend, his responsibility. I would simply make that clear and leave it.

crispy - I'm sorry, too - I hope I didn't sound snippy either.

RBH if I could get hold of OP's Awful Ex and his ghastly enabling hag o a mother, I would take great delight in kicking their selfish arses to hell and back.

@fikit have decided what to do?

Thinking of you.