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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No proposal for 12 yrs, now marrying someone else!

783 replies

fikit · 16/05/2018 00:35

I have no idea what to do.

In short - I was with my ex partner for 12 years, through university, graduate careers etc. We have two DDs together.

Didn’t worry too much about marriage before children - after DD2 was born, we talked about it and he told me that he wasn’t ‘keen’ on the idea of marriage - rolled out the old ‘piece of paper to show how much I love you’ line and I was a little hurt that I’d miss out on a celebration and all the vows, and the looking down the aisle but, but I decided not to push it. We had a great relationship, two beautiful daughters, a house I adored and in the scope of things, my happiness wasn’t contingent on marriage.

We split last year after his affair with his now fiancé. Went from me, to her, to engaged to her in six months. They are getting married in July (day before my birthday) and want my DDs there.

I am not invited (obviously) but his mother has asked that I drop off the girls in the morning and pick them up from the reception?! She doesn’t drive otherwise she’d ‘do it herself to avoid any upset(?!)’ as XP really wants the girls there. As horrendously hurt as I am about the wedding, this is very much the proverbial straw on the proverbial camel.

AIBU to be completely WTF about this? Also - what do I do? I don’t want the girls there as this whole thing is destroying me, but he is their father.

Sorry for the long post, but help, please.

OP posts:
Lweji · 17/05/2018 13:26

The children shouldn't be pawns on this

The children have been asked to attend. OP has agreed on condition they are collected and looked after by a responsible adult. They aren't the pawns - OP is ....

Read the context of that statement. It wasn't criticism of the OP at all, but of people saying they shouldn't go, so your comment completely misses the mark.

Juells · 17/05/2018 13:30

I agree with everything that @bzzbeebzz says, but particularly this If it were me, I would be saying No, for all of the practical reasons above but primarily for the heartache. Not sure why women always have to take the moral high ground and "do the right thing" which inevitably means putting everyone else first. As women are socialised to do.

It sounds like you are a very calm, rational person, more so than most, but in ways that calm rationality is preventing you from seeing that you're being massively fucked with. No respect for either you or the children, they're like parcels that aren't even being delivered properly. I bet they'd wouldn't be as cavalier about the delivery of the wedding dress.

Annonymiss123 · 17/05/2018 13:39

If not, say nothing except "I won't be facilitating any aspect of the wedding day - I've already contributed the groom

This is possibly the best line I've read on here.

May I just say op whatever you decide to do, given your gentle and refined conduct on here, I can only say the loss is all his

I totally agree.

Calledyoulastnightfromglasgow · 17/05/2018 13:42

OP - yuk. Yuk. What a cock he is. Flowers

I like the line above too. They can sort their own fucking transport out!

ziggiestardust · 17/05/2018 13:54

If not, say nothing except "I won't be facilitating any aspect of the wedding day - I've already contributed the groom

This is fucking excellent Grin

SchadenfreudePersonified · 17/05/2018 14:15

As for you doing the taxi, well actually you can't afford it can you ?

That's a thought. I do some voluntary work for which I can claim expenses in some circumstances - I get 45p/mile travel, to allow not just for petrol, but for wear and tear on the car. So you would want about £100 for that alone, OP.

MorningsEleven · 17/05/2018 14:20

How crass to do this the day before your birthday. The awful thing is that, if you don't agree to collect them, you'll be waking up on your birthday without them.

You've done well to escape him.

Banana8080 · 17/05/2018 14:22

It’s their day you play NO part, especially a bloody taxi driver. Let them arrange the logistics.

TheLastNigel · 17/05/2018 16:23

I've been thinking about this thread a lot. You are being asked to do such a hard thing op, by someone with zero empathy for you-or it seems for your kids. And yet the reaction for a lot of people is that it will be awful if you don't let the kids go... it says a lot about how women are socialised to always put themselves last.People would be outraged if you didn't say they could attend and yet it doesn't seem like many people are outraged about the speed of the wedding or the bloody horrible position your children are being put in. You see it all the time in society and it's really fucking irritating.

All that said-if you are happy to have them go then fair enough. But as millions of other pp have said-he needs to sort out getting them there and back. It's impossibly cruel to ask you to have anything to do with it.

CaledonianQueen · 17/05/2018 16:30

Thinking of you today Op, I hope that your ex has realised that this arrangement is bloody selfish!

If not, I hope you find a solution that supports your girls and doesn’t involve their abusive, gloating Father or his ow rubbing your face in their sham of a wedding.

MintChocChip04 · 17/05/2018 17:55

I would urge you not to allow them to go. Their mental and psychological well-being is important. Not being at one occasion doesn't mean they won't have a relationship with their father. It is ONE occasion. I think it is morally wrong for them to be there, but above all that, I worry about the psychological harm that will be done when they see the ceremony. I think they are old enough to understand it (at least your eldest), but not old enough to cope or process it.

I would never have allowed my children to be part of a wedding to another woman he had known for all of 6 months. Nothing to do with spite, either. But because I care about their emotional and psychological well-being, and I simply do not see what benefits them being there could possibly have for them. In fact I think it would be very detrimental to them. I think they may even resent you later when they understand more in depth. They will gain nothing from this at their age, to is no logical reason for them to be there, apart as candy for their ceremony. That candy could come at a cost to them, and they may never forgive you for making them go when they later realise just what it all meant. And that they were forced. I think it is wrong for them to be there, and I would say no to them going. For their own sake.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 17/05/2018 18:10

Don't know if anyone has mentioned this, but I'm pretty sure that any wedding celebration venue (church, registry office, hotel with appropriate licence etc) has, by law, to be open to the public - strictly speaking they can't refuse you entry to the venue (though obviously they can refuse to allow you into the reception). You could then see your girls.

If you do go - whether to drop them off or whatever - just look smart and nice and pretty, but casual - you aren't a guest, an you don't want to bother trying to outshine anyone. As other's have said, look as though you are comfy in your sin, but not as though you are trying too hard.
Juell in particular has, I think, given good advice (though it's awful that it has come from experience).

TBH - I think you are a lot kinder to him and his ghastly hag of a mother than I would have been. It's one day. It will soon be over and then you can get on with your life.

Be kind to yourself - you are grieving, and it will take time - but I'm sure you will find someone who is more worthy of your love and loyalty than this man. And your time with him hasn't been years thrown away - you have two beautiful, loving children. Would be nice if the little one blew her nose on the wedding dress, though. I can't think of a better birthday present for you. Grin

He's a shit. He will do the same to her - or she will to him - and it will come full circle.

LoveInTokyo · 17/05/2018 18:14

I’m not sure how crashing her cheating ex’s wedding to the other woman would be “being kind to herself”, Schadenfreude...

Shock
Pengggwn · 17/05/2018 18:16

I wouldn't go, but if I did, I would turn up in my pyjamas with a towel on my head.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 17/05/2018 18:23

Or - the nasty part of me - would book a long weekend for the three of you, and text him the night before the wedding to say, 'sorry, we had a better offer - you know how that feels!'

Ooooh! ajandjjmum. I like your evil mind! (Though I admit it's one of the things I personally would fantasise about doing, but not actually do, because I am a snivelling coward,)

Juells · 17/05/2018 18:33

Oh I so agree with @MintChocChip04 None of this is for the children's sake, they're just window dressing for an event that could be horrible for them. They'll be racketing around all day, being passed from Billy to Jack, they'll be a nuisance that someone has to look after, they'll see their father kissing and mooning over another woman, my hair stands on end at the very thought of exposing my children to that.

You're too nice, OP.

user1499173618 · 17/05/2018 18:39

It is totally inappropriate for you to be asked to facilitate your DDs' presence at your exP's wedding. The wounds are far too raw and recent. In any case, you need to draw boundaries NOW so that you don't get trampled on in future by your exP and his new wife. Make it very clear what you will and will not do, and running around to fit in with their personal plans is a NO.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 17/05/2018 18:54

I’m also a little worried about what DD2 will do or say, she has a very honest tongue and I’ve had some real red-faced-sprint-and-hide moments with things that she’s said. I’m also entirely convinced that she does it on purpose as they’re usually fairly accurate!

That child is a jewel OP - tell her to say what she likes, when she likes, to whoever she likes, because daddy wants her to enjoy this special day and doesn't want to stop her doing anything because she and her sister are the special girls.

WannaBeWonderWoman · 17/05/2018 18:56

Yes OP be there for the ceremony and then take the girls home.

Tell anyone who asks who you are that you're the flower girl's mother and the woman the groom cheated on with the bride. Make sure the bride's family is aware of you so they can place you as an actual human their daughter/sister was complicit in devastating.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 17/05/2018 19:01

2) I didn't quite see the need for swearing. Tut tut.

I'm afraid you are on the wrong forum, Dondi Grin

derxa · 17/05/2018 19:11

I know it's not fair but I would grit my teeth and do it. It's just a weekend.
You are better than them.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 17/05/2018 19:43

I’m not sure how crashing her cheating ex’s wedding to the other woman would be “being kind to herself”,

If it means that OP isn't worrying herself that her girls are okay, then it is. I wasn't suggesting that she "crashed" the wedding - just came in (IF she wanted to) and sat at the back to offer support to two very small girls who will have been out of bed since yon time, stuck in a car for an hour, bundled off by relations, dressed up to the nines without the opportunity to ask their Mammy how pretty they look, and then expected to sit through a service which may seem never-ending to them before getting a chance to hit the cake prior to being shoved into a car for another hour back home, then it is.

But I was more thinking about OP giving herself a little leeway and thinking of her own needs and not just those of her DDs. I think OP is amazing (I would have probably beaten the bastard to death with a shovel), but she needs to cherish herself a little. She seems to have good friends, but no family living near. It's natural that she wants her children to feel as emotionally safe as possible, but her feelings are also important.

In no way was I suggesting that she cause problems - only that if she DID decide to drive the girls to the venue, she needn't feel that she had to sit outside like an orphan.

RebootYourEngine · 17/05/2018 19:54

Im sorry i cant give you advice but i can tell you what i did in this situation.

I told my exh that ds could go but i would also be going. That was the last i heard of that. We lived a few hundred miles apart, ds was pre school age, someone had to be there to look after ds because i knew neither him nor his family would.

DontDrinkDontSmoke · 17/05/2018 19:57

Yep you could go, grab the mic from the wedding singer and sing “It Shoulda Been Me” at the do.

Only joking OP, thought you could do with a laugh.

IDearlyLoveALaugh · 17/05/2018 20:13

I think you need to do what's best for your children, and from what you've posted that is that they don't want to go, they aren't there for show. Screw what everyone else thinks about your motives. They must hardly know the woman or her family which I assume will make up 50% of the guests. The wedding sounds like an utter farce.

I would probably say that the girls don't want to attend and as it's your birthday weekend a friend has arranged for you and the girls to go away for the weekend. You could suggest via MIL that ExDH and OW could have a little family celebration with your daughters when they come back from their honeymoon, to explain what's happened in a quiet careful way.