No proposal for 12 yrs, now marrying someone else!

[fikit]

I have no idea what to do.

In short - I was with my ex partner for 12 years, through university, graduate careers etc. We have two DDs together.

Didn’t worry too much about marriage before children - after DD2 was born, we talked about it and he told me that he wasn’t ‘keen’ on the idea of marriage - rolled out the old ‘piece of paper to show how much I love you’ line and I was a little hurt that I’d miss out on a celebration and all the vows, and the looking down the aisle but, but I decided not to push it. We had a great relationship, two beautiful daughters, a house I adored and in the scope of things, my happiness wasn’t contingent on marriage.

We split last year after his affair with his now fiancé. Went from me, to her, to engaged to her in six months. They are getting married in July (day before my birthday) and want my DDs there.

I am not invited (obviously) but his mother has asked that I drop off the girls in the morning and pick them up from the reception?! She doesn’t drive otherwise she’d ‘do it herself to avoid any upset(?!)’ as XP really wants the girls there. As horrendously hurt as I am about the wedding, this is very much the proverbial straw on the proverbial camel.

AIBU to be completely WTF about this? Also - what do I do? I don’t want the girls there as this whole thing is destroying me, but he is their father.

Sorry for the long post, but help, please.

Is there a compromise there? Ie you drop them to grandparents but then GPs have them overnight and get them back to you the following day? That way you can go out and have a you day. You don't owe him anything but if your DCs want to go it would be good to take the high road and not let him see how much he's hurt you. Tbh I've never understood a man who insists on children but refuses to marry ( different if neither of you are bothered about marriage) , the children are a bigger commitment and if it's just a piece of paper to him but important to you , you'd hope that would be important to him as the future mother of his children but clearly not.

May I just say op whatever you decide to do, given your gentle and refined conduct on here, I can only say the loss is all his.

Oh come on now, if the roles were reversed and OP was marrying of course the children would be there.

Op, I think the situation is crap, I'm sorry, I can see how hurt and angry you must be (been in your shoes)

No matter what he's done to your marriage, you have to find a way to take the emotion out of this shit situation.

Black and white he is getting married and he wants his children there.
In no way should you be enabling ANY arrangements other than "allowing" them to go. You, yourself, should do something to try and distance yourself from the day, as it's going to be painful for you.

MIL, you will need to make safe arrangements for them to get home, it's highly inappropriate for me to attend, and you should respect my feelings for not wanting to do so.
IF no one can facilitate this (your ex should actually be in charge of this arrangement) THEN you can reasonably decline them going.

I simply wouldn't be able to do it. Horrendous for children to see their father all lovey-dovey with a woman who is not their mother. Even worse for girls than it would be for boys. Their mother replaced, sitting at home alone or obediently dropping them off to view the new love story unfolding. WTF? I would never allow my daughters see me being treated with such contempt.

The benefit of being so small though is that they won’t fully understand. Being young is a protection, at 6 and 4 they aren’t really old enough to understand the full story.

If you don't speak to exP do you know what the children have been told about the wedding, his relationship, how it's been explained to them? Because as small children they might just think "pretty frock, cake, late bedtime, great" or they may find it very distressing. And I'd want to know that someone has considered that and come up with a contingency plan. I would also want DD2to scream "I WANT MY MUMMY, YOU'RE NOT MY MUMMY, I HATE YOU" during the vows. Then throw up
So hurtful, I'm sorry he is putting you and your daughters through this.

I would allow them to go but it would be on my terms. The girls are collected from my house and returned safely with a trusted friend/family member and I would not want any involvement whatsoever. If they cannot fulfil this, then I would decline the children attending. Damn cheek to expect you to be ferrying them about.

Given all the reasons you've stated, I think you right to be balanced and dignified and to be thinking of the long term bigger picture.

Sounds like it boils down to your lost weekend, so can you just say 'I'd made plans as DDs were meant to be with you all weekend which I'll need to postpone to drive DDs there and back. In addition to normal routine can you have them on xx date too.'

I agree with Pilates... he’s a total dickhead for expecting you to do all the leg work for HIS wedding x

Has he responded to the text yet, OP?

IMO its egotistical and selfish for the former partner and his GF to demand the presence of DC at his wedding. There is no moral imperative for you to facilitate it and the wedding can perfectly well go ahead without them. Stand firm, and remember that your pushoverability could form a template for the future otherwise.

Has ex actually asked you to have them that weekend or just assumed you would? If not, you can quite reasonably say you'd assumed he'd have them from Friday to Monday as usual and that if that's not possible you will swap weekends, but of course have plans for your birthday that you can't be expected to change. So he can either reorganise his plans to accommodate his responsibilities as a parent or accept the children won't be attending the wedding.

They are already seeing that dad has moved on to his new woman. Being excluded from the party with, no doubt, the narrative coming from him that mum wouldn’t let them go - that will play right into his hands.

Send them with your blessing, let them enjoy the party, if they get upset then whoever is supposed to be bringing them home will have to do it earlier. Perhaps make sure they can phone you or FaceTime you if they need you in the meantime. But do not put yourself out, travel, rearrange birthday plans etc for his wedding. He’s an arse and doesn’t deserve you to accommodate him. You’re already helping out by covering his weekends while he’s on honeymoon, you’re going to make sure his dds are available and excited to go. That’s where your job ends. As others have said, it’s inappropriate for you to be at the venue - if he wanted you there to look after the DDs he should have invited you - wonder why he didn’t?! So you have no place there, it’s his responsibility to make their travel arrangements to fit around your weekend too.

Oh come on now, if the roles were reversed and OP was marrying of course the children would be there.

Even if OP were the NRP and marrying the OM within a year of the split?

I think she'd be crucified.

I have just re-read the OP and my contempt and disgust for this man has multiplied. His behaviour is really shocking.
OP I am so sorry you are going through this. I hope you manage to reach the least painful course of action.

it does rankle that they effectively get the pleasantries while I do the legwork. It’s why I’m so sorely tempted to say no, this is your weekend

I can see that.
And tbh, during his weekends, his dcs are HIS responsibility.
He choose to have his wedding during one of his weekends (which makes sense tbh), he chose to go away. That’s up to him to sort out arrangements for them.

I can also see how you would want to have th dcs there etc.. and why, if they are present but you’re not, it could create issues.
But then again, they are HIS children. It’s not up to you to ensure your dd2 doesn’t say ‘the wrong thing’. It’s up to him. And up to him deal with if she does.

My decision wouod be beamed purely in what I sbest for the dcs, not for him. And then what is best for you.
Keeping the moral high ground might be helpful for you re ha family. But I wouod be worried he would take that as a go ahead to not stick to your agreement ‘because he needs to them with his new wife/has xxx planned’ etc...

Would a ‘yes ok, I’ll look after the dcs whilst you are away/wedding but I will get those two weekends back on x and y weekends’ be helping too?

Oh come on now, if the roles were reversed and OP was marrying of course the children would be there.

And yes it’s likely too that that woman would have planned the wedding so that its suitable for her dcs, would have organised someone to look after them during the ceremony as well as organised childcare for her honeymoon (if she had any!)

@VivaKondo Totally agree.

If OP were going to a friend's wedding 50 miles away where her children were flower girls, she would have at least booked a hotel room for the previous evening, helped them dress, been on standby in the church to remove any upset child, made sure they ate/drank/got to the loo/behaved during the reception, and taken them home when they were tired.

But it's her XP's wedding. He's expecting her to drive 50 miles, drop them off and either hang around till they've had enough and drive 50 miles back OR go home for an hour or two making it a 200 mile day for her. Meanwhile he hasn't satisfactorily explained, nor has his DM, who will be looking after his DC during the wedding/reception. To my mind, only a relative who's prepared to do all OP would do is enough - or a top class Norland-type nanny with a perfect driving licence.

Who would care for these children all day? Not easy at a wedding. Why does he want them there? Will he be playing with them all day? I would refuse and tell them the truthful reason, it is too hurtful after the way he has behaved

Hope your ok OP, so many responses on this thread it must be so confusing knowing what to do for the best.

I have been thinking a lot about what I would do in your situation, I think I would do one of 2 things.

1. you drop the kids off, don’t let anyone see how bloody hard it is for you, you ask ex to arrange for someone to bring them back to you. You just grit your teeth and not cause any drama, bloody hard but in the long run it will cause less stress and it after the wedding you can forget all about it and move on.

2. You book a weekend away with your dc, tell him they are not coming to the wedding as you don’t want them upset and confused, take them away for the weekend and forget the weddings even taking place. Me being not the most sensible of people would probably do this.

I understand you are upset, angry and worried about the impact of your dc’s but you need to think about your actions and the possible back lash afterwards. I would want this to be over with as quick as possible, if you kick up about it the backlash could go on for ages which could effect the kids even more as well as effecting your mental health. Do the thing that’s going to cause the least stress for everyone.

The children shouldn't be pawns on this

The children have been asked to attend. OP has agreed on condition they are collected and looked after by a responsible adult. They aren't the pawns - OP is ....

Unfortunately, whatever you do you're going to feel like shit. Even if someone else picks them up and brings them home, and even if they don't go, it's going to really hurt.

If you do take them, you really should take a friend with you for moral support. Maybe you could find something nice to do together whilst your DDs are at the wedding? That would take your mind off what's happening that day.

It not clear how the wedding arrangements are being communicated to you OP. These are two young children, and regardless of the event and the emotional nature of it, your ex-P has a duty to make proper, safe and secure arrangements for your children just like he would have to do for any "day out". Has he directly communicated with you about timings, meals, clothing, supervision, etc for the day? If not, who is liaising with you? It all sounds very poorly thought-out, from a purely logistical and safe-guarding point of view.
If it were me, I would be saying No, for all of the practical reasons above but primarily for the heartache. Not sure why women always have to take the moral high ground and "do the right thing" which inevitably means putting everyone else first. As women are socialised to do.
It seems that you are being warned against potentially upsetting the children when they discover in later life that they didn't attend this wedding. There is only one person they should be upset with for disrupting their family life and it's certainly not you. Nor is it the OW incidentally, it is their father. Fuck him and fuck the wedding. You are now a family of 3, do what is right for you.

Horrible situation, OP, I feel for you. Your children are the ones who will be the most affected by their dad's new circumstances, but they appear to have been treated like an afterthought by their dad, his NW, and his family. Why on earth didn't they think about these arrangements first before rushing ahead with the wedding?

"Sorry, that doesn't work for me."