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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No proposal for 12 yrs, now marrying someone else!

783 replies

fikit · 16/05/2018 00:35

I have no idea what to do.

In short - I was with my ex partner for 12 years, through university, graduate careers etc. We have two DDs together.

Didn’t worry too much about marriage before children - after DD2 was born, we talked about it and he told me that he wasn’t ‘keen’ on the idea of marriage - rolled out the old ‘piece of paper to show how much I love you’ line and I was a little hurt that I’d miss out on a celebration and all the vows, and the looking down the aisle but, but I decided not to push it. We had a great relationship, two beautiful daughters, a house I adored and in the scope of things, my happiness wasn’t contingent on marriage.

We split last year after his affair with his now fiancé. Went from me, to her, to engaged to her in six months. They are getting married in July (day before my birthday) and want my DDs there.

I am not invited (obviously) but his mother has asked that I drop off the girls in the morning and pick them up from the reception?! She doesn’t drive otherwise she’d ‘do it herself to avoid any upset(?!)’ as XP really wants the girls there. As horrendously hurt as I am about the wedding, this is very much the proverbial straw on the proverbial camel.

AIBU to be completely WTF about this? Also - what do I do? I don’t want the girls there as this whole thing is destroying me, but he is their father.

Sorry for the long post, but help, please.

OP posts:
Phineyj · 17/05/2018 08:11

I think ask your solicitor for advice about what the varying of contact weekends means in longer terms. This is his contact weekend and (as I mentioned), his honeymoon arrangements may mean that you have taken on one of his contact weekends or holiday contact time. He does not sound like the sort of guy who will facilitate you swapping your own contact weekends for social or even work reasons in future. It may be that it is best to stick rigidly to what is agreed and make it his problem to make arrangements if he has contact on a weekend when it doesn't suit him.

Basically, don't be unhelpful (assuming you are going to make the girls available) but don't worry about being nice/overly helpful either.

GreenTulips · 17/05/2018 08:18

Please don't run no round after him. It won't stop. He'll have n expectation every time something is difficult for him to manage.

He needs to step up and make the arrangements. Wedding day or not.

GreenTulips · 17/05/2018 08:18

Also if you were to be remarrying would he do the same?

MinaPaws · 17/05/2018 08:18

What an abject tosser this man is. Whatever you decide, I hope you choose not to lift a finger to make his weekend easier. And I hope your friends gang up to give you the best birthday you've ever had that weekend.

BrownTurkey · 17/05/2018 08:27

Based on your previous post (thinking about taking the high ground) what about replying ‘although I wish you all the best on the day, I did not anticipate being responsible for arrangements for the girls on the day, which is their father’s responsibility. However, I am, at some inconvenience to myself, willing to be available from 8pm to pick them up from the car park of the venue.’ You can potentially get them home a bit earlier then, and make sure they are ok. It sucks though.

JustbackfromBangkok · 17/05/2018 08:59

GreenTulips is spot on.
Would he do the same for you if roles were reversed?
I bet he wouldn't.

Plum99 · 17/05/2018 08:59

My dad cheated on my mum when I was 3, I was never allowed to meet the other woman. I didn’t understand as a kid but I do now.

Lweji · 17/05/2018 09:07

He shouldn't have cheated, but everyone should be able to leave a marriage when they want to.

The children shouldn't be given the message that you have to stick to a marriage regardless.
How he behaves towards them should be more important. And that's why if he isn't prepared to put the effort in, then they shouldn't go. Not because of whatever happened between their parents.

ThisIsTheFirstStep · 17/05/2018 09:08

lweji but he DID cheat. He should have left the marriage firsst. That completely changes the story.

I’d have serious reservations about sending my kids to anyone who thinks cheating is fine.

Lweji · 17/05/2018 09:15

It doesn't change the story for the children, though. What matters is that the father left and he's with someone else.
Even cheating is not illegal, and many spouses forgive affairs.

The children shouldn't be pawns on this.

PosyFossilsShoes · 17/05/2018 09:16

I agree with pallisers

ThisIsTheFirstStep · 17/05/2018 09:20

lweji I think it very much does. A split due to cheating will result in their mother acting very differently than if it was a mutual agreement.

Personally one of the reasons I married my husband was his morals and the fact that I knew he’d pass those on to our kids. If I found out he’d cheated, I couldn’t trust him with out kids any more.

wildgarlicflowers · 17/05/2018 09:21

Too much too soon for all three of you op.

Book a hotel with some excellent childcare facilities and have a birthday weekend away with some time to yourself (via girls being entertained)

This wedding is not only damaging and hurting you, it is very likely to do the same to your dds. It is a god awful position to be put in as a six/four year old and there is no way on god's earth I would expect this of my dc so soon after the separation.

Your ex has not given one thought to his own children or to you, or to anyone apart from himself.

Book a happy birthday weekend away and be miles away from the stress and pain. You will know your dc are safe, well cared for and above all not upset. It shouldn't be difficult to sell the idea of a fun weekend away and then you can quietly explain everything to them, in your own time, in your own way.

Your children are the priority here, and their well being, not the wedding charade or the rest. It starts and ends with them.

wildgarlicflowers · 17/05/2018 09:25

Lweji

I am pretty sure the children will be the judge of their father's actions when they are old enough to understand the pain and agony he has caused their mother.

A cheat is a dishonest and untrustworthy person that wrecks families and childhoods, and often causes long lasting mental health problems in the children affected. It can be the cause of generations of pain and anguish, so I haven't an ounce of sympathy for the father. Who cares about his shoddy wedding?! Err no one on here for sure.

The children's well being is what we are concerned about.

Lweji · 17/05/2018 09:26

If I found out he’d cheated, I couldn’t trust him with out kids any more.

What a horrible thing to say. Totally different things.

coconutpie · 17/05/2018 09:28

This isn't like you've split ages ago and now he's getting married. This only just happened! It is way too confusing for your DDs. I would not be allowing any part in this circus and I would take the kids away for the weekend to celebrate your birthday, not that prick's wedding to the OW. Fuck that shit.

wildgarlicflowers · 17/05/2018 09:28

Lweji

I wouldn't trust my children with a cheat either, because he would not be the person I trusted, married and loved, he would be virtually a stranger to me. I would feel I did not know him at all. I would worry what else I didn't know about him.

ThisIsTheFirstStep · 17/05/2018 09:29

lweji excuse me? Do you mean you read something sexual into that? That is very weird response. I clearly did not mean that. I meant that I wouldn’t want someone so lacking in morals being a key figure in my kids’ life.

Cherriesfortea · 17/05/2018 09:30

As they are so very young, your DDs would probably remember the wedding (or missing their father's wedding) longer than anyone else who attends. Consider how they will interpret your conduct when they look back on your actions. Feisty? Heroic? Generous? Magnificent? Decide how you want them to remember you in connection with this occasion, and then do the thing that makes you that way.
Consider also how this will set the tone for their relationship with their new step-mother, and their father. This isn't all about you and how terribly hurt you are - it's about the future pattern of their lives.

I weep for your hurt, by the way: I do understand this and so many other humiliations. I've been there too.

Gonegirlfriday · 17/05/2018 09:32

Outwith an abusve relationship, no one who puts their dc first would cheat on their other parent and turn their life upset down when the children are barely out of toddlerhood.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 17/05/2018 09:35

Can't believe you didn't rip ex-MIL a new one for even suggesting it, frankly. What an astonishing lack of sensitivity. The apple clearly doesn't fall far from the tree. Just say you will make the girls available but he must organise all transportation and care and that it must meet certain standards so you can be reassured they'll be safe and happy. And get it all in writing.

Gonegirlfriday · 17/05/2018 09:35

Does anyone else think there’ll be a divorce in a few years time?

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 17/05/2018 09:36

I give it 18 months.

wildgarlicflowers · 17/05/2018 09:37

It is not really your actions that count op,

but more the REACTION of your children.

This moment won't be defined for them by you, it will be the moment they see their father marrying a strange and unfamiliar woman. The complete absence of their mother, their comfort and anchor. It is heartbreaking for you, but also for them.

The images may burn into their memory for a very long time. I would not do it. No way.

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 17/05/2018 09:38

@Cherriesfortea that’s a great way to approach it.

The dcs will remember fragments of this day and if one of those moments is you smiling and being happy for them that they get to wear a pretty dress and throw some rose petals it will be a good memory for them.

Their relationship with dad and step mum has years to unfold and this day won’t make a huge difference to how that plays out in their eyes. For them it will be a blur of people, dancing and sandwiches, and if their mum is smiling when they come home and asks if they had a nice day that will mean the world to them.