No proposal for 12 yrs, now marrying someone else!

[fikit]

I have no idea what to do.

In short - I was with my ex partner for 12 years, through university, graduate careers etc. We have two DDs together.

Didn’t worry too much about marriage before children - after DD2 was born, we talked about it and he told me that he wasn’t ‘keen’ on the idea of marriage - rolled out the old ‘piece of paper to show how much I love you’ line and I was a little hurt that I’d miss out on a celebration and all the vows, and the looking down the aisle but, but I decided not to push it. We had a great relationship, two beautiful daughters, a house I adored and in the scope of things, my happiness wasn’t contingent on marriage.

We split last year after his affair with his now fiancé. Went from me, to her, to engaged to her in six months. They are getting married in July (day before my birthday) and want my DDs there.

I am not invited (obviously) but his mother has asked that I drop off the girls in the morning and pick them up from the reception?! She doesn’t drive otherwise she’d ‘do it herself to avoid any upset(?!)’ as XP really wants the girls there. As horrendously hurt as I am about the wedding, this is very much the proverbial straw on the proverbial camel.

AIBU to be completely WTF about this? Also - what do I do? I don’t want the girls there as this whole thing is destroying me, but he is their father.

Sorry for the long post, but help, please.

It will be good practice in taking decisions that he doesn't approve of. I feel there are likely to be others.

^^ this

I wouldn’t be relying on those school fees - I would be working on contingency planning and telling him where to go with all and any unreasonable demands.

Honestly if it aren’t for the school fees, would you feel able to tell him what your real opinion is regarding your two daughters going to see him marry someone they don’t know, without their Mum there to look after them?

*weren’t not aren’t

The message from his mother would have put my back up too much for me to do this, sorry.

It's like there's an assumption that you should recognise how important and 'special' the occasion is, as if you're a minor family friend and not his ex-partner of 12 years.

"Hi, I'm happy for the girls to be there (I will make other arrangements for my birthday) but I'm not available to do the taking and picking up. Let me know whether you want to go ahead or not, thanks"

OP - I just wanted to say that while this may be a horrendously difficult time for you, there are so many women out there who have gone through the same pain, and I hope knowing that you are not alone will give you some small comfort. There are many hard times ahead but with time it will get better.

I agree notcontent.

My experience is fairly shit in that having asked for some basic stuff like a name and phone number of someone willing to be in loco parentis on the wedding night, when presumably the happy couple would be busy, for a wedding which took place abroad, I was later accused of 'ruining the wedding'.

I would consider accepting the offer of your friends (I am sure I read that they were male) to join you on the dropoff and pickup. I think having a man by your side might stop the d*ck gloating and being abusive (which is his aim anyway, this wedding has been planned carefully to hurt you as much as possible). You are too nice to do this though and your daughters are so lucky to have such an amazing Mummy!

Alternatively, I would ask if a group of friends could meet for lunch near where the wedding is. So you have company and are not just visiting local haunts that you and your ex used to frequent- that would make me worse. You could look for a new cafe/ restaurant and make new memories with your friends. Then one of your friends could go with you to collect the girls.

I might hand him a card wishing him good luck with the interview process, then say now you have married your mistress there will obviously be a vacancy.

Please do read Lundy Bancroft's Why did he do that, your ex is a narcissistic sociopath with a massive sense of self-entitlement and absolutely no empathy at all! I would be very surprised if he hasn't been abusing you in some way over the last twelve years.

Say "yes great idea, I won't drive though I'll come and stay over with my mate and we'll get pissed in the hotel bar for my birthday so I can be there to look after the kids later" may make them rethink ;)

Why isn't he collecting them on the Friday and returning them on Sunday? Even if he collected Friday evening and then you or friend collected them Saturday evening it would be a bit better.

He should be ensuring they feel loved, involved and special and offering copious amounts of reassurance of how important they are to him - not getting you to wheel them out for a few hours.

Urgh. You are probably a better woman and mother than I am and I think you'll find a way to manage this. but it really should be him working all of this out.

no, this is your weekend, I appreciate a wedding may make things complicated, but I need a break too and I don’t expect you to believe that you can take liberties with that. I don’t mind having the girls that weekend, as wedding/birthday changes up the usual custody agreement, but I’m not happy with my ‘free’ (read: ‘mine and busy’) Saturday diarised in with me as drop off. It’s not fair, and it’s not what we agreed.

Why not send this? It seems like its about time someone told him how it is.

Oh god this sounds awfully managed. And as a step mum I feel saddened that you’ve been put through this. I recognise the children should be there but how they get there and back isn’t your problem, that’s for him to organise. Tell him what time they can be collected and dropped off and leave the rest to him to organise

I'm probably really immature but I sort of feel inclined to tell you to just take the girls away for a birthday weekend with you! Do you think the girls would be sad to miss it?

Also why did your ex plan his wedding for your birthday weekend- what a C u next tuesday!

I genuinely don’t see how a 6 year old and a 4 year old, need to witness their father celebrate leaving their family to marry someone else in such a short space of time.

How is that healthy?

No spite, no jealousy, no revenge or anything like that. Just, what with the children’s best interests at heart - how is it healthy and in their best interest?

It isn’t. The father’s need are coming first here, and the OP’s last.

He won’t even talk to you about it either?

This isn’t about being a grown up, or a bigger person. That is seriously fucked up, dealing with a father leaving and then having a jolly good knees up that he’s marrying someone else so fast.

He probably just wants them there as trophies anyway. Can’t even be bothered to arrange transport for them. Or even speak to you direct.

‘Oh sorry, I just remembered! That’s my birthday weekend! We’re away!’

Good luck OP x

Obviously we give not a shit about the new woman, but one has to ask, how stupid is she? Does she know what she's letting herself in for? I guess she just sees £££.

It’s why I’m so sorely tempted to say no, this is your weekend, I appreciate a wedding may make things complicated, but I need a break too and I don’t expect you to believe that you can take liberties with that. I don’t mind having the girls that weekend, as wedding/birthday changes up the usual custody agreement, but I’m not happy with my ‘free’ (read: ‘mine and busy’) Saturday diarised in with me as drop off. It’s not fair, and it’s not what we agreed.

Honestly OP you are overexplaining. I think if you polled 1000 women in your situation 999 would respond with "you're kidding right?" if asked to serve as taxi driver for a day to facilitate the ex's wedding to the OW.

Just say No. Say something like "I understand they need to go. I will not be involved in your wedding planning obviously. let me know the arrangements."

Less is more here. he won't respect you more if you bend over to facilitate him. You need to cut him out and think of you and your dds. It is NOT in your interest or theirs to ferry them to and from their dad's wedding. it will be confusing enough for them to be at a celebration like that - one that essentially puts the nail in the coffin of the relationship in which they would like to live - but for their mother to seem to support it too?? Way too confusing.

I'd tell your daughters that you are very sad daddy decided to move out and marry someone else. But he is their dad and he wants them at an important day in his life because they are important to him (and hope to god that remains true). And then leave the logistics up to him.

This isn't a situation where there was a split, amicable enough co-parenting and then 5 years on one of the parents marries. I'd probably ferry to and fro in that situation because I'd like my kids to be happy and would probably wish the ex well. This is different. Your children are still reeling from the breakup of their home as are you. The wedding will be hard enough for them - but I don't see how you can refuse - but for you to seem to support it too would be so dishonest I think they would really struggle.

Im teetotal and childfree by choice and female and if i was related to the OPS wanker of an ex i would see this coming a mile off and probably pull out of going to the wedding.

OP i think you are fab and are handling this brilliantly

But it does irk me somewhat to see the suggestions that his sister could do it and i can just imagine it will be a woman having to look after the kids at the wedding.

Its women being expected to pick up after a man AGAIN!!!

Can I please just echo @Juelles- having been in a similar situation I'd foolishly still been hanging on to the idea that the years we'd spent together had left him with some respect for me, despite loads of proof to the contrary.

I was in a similar situation to you op, only we didn’t have children. My ex married the OW, within in a year of us breaking up, after we were together for 15 years. And one of the hardest things to accept was that I now didn’t mean anything to him. You think that surely he can’t switch off any emotion he had for you, after all that time, but these men do, and the detachment starts when they start seeing the OW, before you are even aware of it happening. So in your dealings with him do not expect him to consider your feelings or do not try and act like the bigger person, because you think it means he will concede to you on other matters, because he will not. Treat every approach the way you would as if you were dealing with a stranger, who is not going to act in your best interests.

Please, please do not go to the town where the wedding is happening and especially ignore the posters telling you to turn up to the venue with a new hairdo and lippy. This is not Hollywood. I assume you and your ex had probably discussed marriage going by the piece of paper comment and you had envisaged what your wedding would be like. With your break up being so raw you may find that your emotions will be close to the surface on the wedding day and you may cry for what could have been. I think yourvcomment “lucky sod” shows the time hasn’t moved on enough in your healing process for you to feel lucky that you are not being lumbered with this twat as a husband. This will come and you will be so much happier. But spending the wedding day hanging around all your old haunts will not help that healing.

Lastly, I know you feel you need to be seen to be civil to appease the ex’s family who are on your side. When my ex married, I also had many people who muttered their disproval of the marriage to me and his family were not happy about it. Yet they all went along on the day and wished him well. Memories are short, and family side with family so you need to protect yourself and act to stop any hurt for your girls. Don’t sacrifice your hurt and anger for a relationship with his sil or any other family members. Their loyalty will always be with their brother, son etc as that completely insensitive request from the mil has shown.

I think your text was excellent. Hop the ball back in your ex’s court and if he can’t pick up his racket to play the game by your rules then he loses the game and the girls don’t go to the wedding. I can see why you think you need to allow this but I wouldn’t be facilitating it and if the arrangements are too hard for your ex to manage and the girls don’t go then at least you didn’t forbid them going and it might be in their best interests not to go. Seeing the OW kissing daddy for the pictures and hugging each other and listening to the speeches of the “happiest day of his life” might be too confusing for them. Do they really need to be there?

Is he for real? If he wants them there it's his responsibility to get them there, to be looked after and to be taken home.
He probably doesn't even remember it's your birthday. Sorry if that smarts OP.
It's beyond comprehension how he expects you to accommodate it!!
Seriously. What a twonk.

Laughing at the thought of a swipe of lippy being the OP's solution here.

From your posts, you don't sound like you need a false crutch to be strong OP - it comes naturally to you.

Legally he has to pay you maintenance directly. Putting money in your dds accounts doesn’t count. Personally I would get the money paid to you even if you decide to save some for their future.

Your dds deserve treats and a wonderful and enriched childhood if it is affordable. You mentioned ballet upthread. Then there’s music lessons, horse riding, skiing, ballet, tennis etc. It is important to give a child a well rounded childhood and extra curricular activities bring life skills. Learning to play an instrument I have read helps with maths.

If you put all of the money into their trust fund, you won’t be able to access it until they’re 18 if you genuinely need it. What happens if you have an accident or become chronically ill, disabled and unable to work? I’m in just that position myself except that I am married to my dh so he supports me and looks after me a lot.

I have been the child in a similar situation to this (no affair) and my mum didn't allow me to attend the wedding. When I was older it upset me to see the pictures and know I wasn't allowed to be there. I'd echo everyone else - they go but you don't facilitate it.

Not read all replies but pallisers and Monty32 have made excellent posts.

OP I am so sorry this is so crap.

I agree with just about everyone else. You are not forbidding them from going but not facilitating. Their father should not be relying on his aging mum either. He should arrange things in such a way that he can collect them or another relative who can safely drive should.

I hope things will get better with time.

The idea that lippy and new do will magically make appearing at wedding better is the result of too many rom coms!
Take it from me: there is no way not to feel bad. You look bad you feel youre a mess no wonder he left you. You look good you feel you must be a bitch no wonder he left you. Its agonising and you can feel both at same time and a hundred other things

Just, what with the children’s best interests at heart - how is it healthy and in their best interest?

Because being away is worse.

Those saying it wouldn't be right for them not to attend Im guessing are those who fortunately haven't gown up with a dad who cheated I did. i didn't even want to see the woman he was cheating on my my mum with- Id never have wanted, or willingly gone to my dads wedding had he married her. 'd have felt sick, depressed, angry and hollow the entire day.
its a disgusting situation and their father is so deeply selfish, arrogant, ignorant and cruel to both you and your girls in his behaviour, please OP dont feel pressured into thinking this is the"right" thing to do- its not. Dont worry that if you dont let them attend the few weirdos involved ie. him/this woman and his clearly batty mother- will think you are only doing this out of bitterness.

You and we know you are actually also doing this for your daughters sake. If it'd been too young to understand but found out later on I had been basically forced into celebrating my dads wedding, a year later tot he same woman he cheated on my mum with when me and my sister were still young girls- Id have been livid, with everyone.
Imagining these poor girls forced into a day that actually represents so much that is vile, ugly, cruel and selfish makes me sad.
They dont even know this woman- why be at a wedding that is the result of their dad cheatING on and leaving their mother?? If their father and his new wife have any decency and genuine desire to build relationships with your girls- they do this gradually, gently- after the wedding. It doesn't begin with the wedding (and you KNOW they only want them there as the ultimate symbol to all their guests that their shady, nasty actions have been accepted and all made good- it hasn't). Dont do it OP.