No proposal for 12 yrs, now marrying someone else!

[fikit]

I have no idea what to do.

In short - I was with my ex partner for 12 years, through university, graduate careers etc. We have two DDs together.

Didn’t worry too much about marriage before children - after DD2 was born, we talked about it and he told me that he wasn’t ‘keen’ on the idea of marriage - rolled out the old ‘piece of paper to show how much I love you’ line and I was a little hurt that I’d miss out on a celebration and all the vows, and the looking down the aisle but, but I decided not to push it. We had a great relationship, two beautiful daughters, a house I adored and in the scope of things, my happiness wasn’t contingent on marriage.

We split last year after his affair with his now fiancé. Went from me, to her, to engaged to her in six months. They are getting married in July (day before my birthday) and want my DDs there.

I am not invited (obviously) but his mother has asked that I drop off the girls in the morning and pick them up from the reception?! She doesn’t drive otherwise she’d ‘do it herself to avoid any upset(?!)’ as XP really wants the girls there. As horrendously hurt as I am about the wedding, this is very much the proverbial straw on the proverbial camel.

AIBU to be completely WTF about this? Also - what do I do? I don’t want the girls there as this whole thing is destroying me, but he is their father.

Sorry for the long post, but help, please.

I agree with what @wildgarlicflowers said...
Do you not feel that they will feel compromised? You are left behind, this is clearly a big event, and the confusion and anguish of seeing their father being so affectionate with a virtual stranger (in their young eyes) might be incredibly damaging? .. and the rest of her post.

But I can also see that you feel like you need him and his family on side, largely because of DDs having extended family around, and the school fees etc. And that you need to keep them sweet.

I was very happy for my DS to be a pint sized best man at his dad's wedding, but I had ended the relationship, and was so glad he had met someone else got him off my back. DS couldn't remember me and his dad being together actually.

I really think this will be upsetting and confusing for your DDs though, especially the older one, as it's so soon and raw. I think I might be inclined to take them on holiday instead. Sorry you've been put in this shitty position.

I think there are two points that don't seem to have been mentioned..??

1. I understand how difficult this must be, I can't pretend to imagine how I'd feel in your shoes (other than pretty fuming!), but I do think your children have a right to be at their father's wedding. Thinking about the future too, do you want him telling them when they're older, that you refused to let them go because of your jealousy? I'm not saying that in an awful way, the word 'jealousy' seems to carry a lot of negativity, but it is a natural emotion that we all feel - I just don't think it's one that should affect our actions when it comes to our children.

2. Yes, it was incredibly insensitive of them to ask you to be the childrens' chauffer for the wedding. Initially, my first response would probably have also been along the lines of "fuck off!", but then think about it... Imagine bumping into an ex in Tesco, how would you like to be seen? Would you like them to see you as angry and miserable in your scruffs with a bad hair do, or would you like them to see you looking absolutely fabulous and happier than you've ever been..? Personally, I'd rather the latter! So on the pick up/drop off, I would say 'of course I will, not a problem at all!' and I would turn up with my hair done, lippy on and a great big smile, like life is absolutely wonderful and couldn't be better!!!! Perhaps even say congrats with a kiss on the cheek and a walk that he won't forget!!!!!!!

And what @Huskylover1 said.

And of course they won't be damaged by not going to the wedding, but they may well be damaged and so confused by going to the wedding.
I really would say no; too much too soon.

@Dondi86 - I couldn't disagree more with both of your points! 1. It's not jealous. It's deep hurt.

1. A wedding isn't fucking Tescos, and who wants to compete with a glowing bride?!

I agree with charley. This isn't the time for lippy, hairdo and braving it out. That time will come and when it does, it will be genuine.

shitty that he has his DM doing all the organising. Tell ex-MIL that you will not stop your DD's attending the wedding however you will not be going out your way to help out Ex on the day he marries his affair and that if he wants them there he can communicate directly with you to arrange.
there is absolutely NO FUCKING WAY I would be getting the girls ready/dropping off/collecting etc on the day he marries his bit on the side.

Having read your updates I still think you're doing the right thing agreeing to your DD's being flower girls but that you absolutely shouldn't be doing the driving and hovering about.

You can't know how you'll feel that day, you might feel strong, you might want to be alone to have a good cry. If it were me I think I'd potter about at home packing for the move and trying to focus on new beginnings in the new flat, maybe arrange to meet a close friend for coffee.

Your girls, particularly your 6 year old may worry about you more if you're close by. From what you've described they'll be fine with their Aunt, Cousins, Grandma. I have DCs the same age, my 6 year old would take my 4 year old by the hand and look after her though she in turn would boss him about a bit!

Refusing to do the journeys is not only an important line to draw for yourself, it either forces him and his family to make your DDs a proper part of the weekend or he'll come back to you saying the arrangements won't work for them to attend.

A friend of yours perhaps meeting his Sister somewhere so she doesn't have to leave the Reception for too long does sound like a good solution to the pickup on the day.

Still think he should be collecting them the night before himself so they get one on one time with their Dad and actually feel he wants them there.

I think you are in between an absolute rock and a hard place, and you sound like a wonderfully brave woman.

I think, in your position, I would say the girls could be there for the actual ceremony/photos (so you are not obstructive) but after that you/freind/aunt needs to remove them to your care because they are too little to be left unsupervised, they will have done the pretty dresses bit/photos etc - and then you can all bugger off and do something you and they would enjoy so much more than sitting through endless tedious wedding stuff.

I don't think she can be classed as a 'bit on the side' when they're getting married??? It's difficult that he's moved on, but surely it would be healthier to also move on yourself, rather than dwelling on the deep hurt? I'm not saying it is easy, far from it, but personally I think being the bigger person and putting some lippy on is a better start than seeming to be in denial by refusing to let your children be a part of it!

So to take them to the wedding is 100 mile round trip? Does he think you will drp them off then go home then come back and pick them up or spend the time hanging around unseen waiting to collect them when it's convenient for the bride and groom?
That's a asshole ask. He needs to organise it and not need your involvement. But I would def ask they be back for your birthday the next day.

So sorry I totally missed the 100 mile round trip bit!!!!!! Yes that's totally ridiculous!!!!!! I was imagining it being 20 minutes up the road type thing, so you could buggar off out for a bit in between! I absolutely would NOT spend my time on a trip that long!!!!

Completely agree with wildgarlicflowers. I'm at a loss as to why so many posters think these children have to be there? I have two young DDs and it turns my stomach thinking of putting them in this position. I couldn't do it. Not for spiteful reasons whatsoever, I just think it's a horrible situation to put them through when you obviously can't be there to comfort them if needed. I truly think you would be doing your children a disservice by enabling this charade OP. I know pps have said he's their parent too etc. but it's painfully obvious this man does not have his children's best interests at heart. Stop worrying about what other people may think (I'm sure you're the last person they'd look down upon in this situation), your ONLY concern should be your children's wellbeing. Please don't send them. I'm so sorry you've been put in this situation and I hope you find happiness .

@charley50

1. In this situation, "deep hurt" is just another word for "jealousy". I clearly explained that it was not meant in an offensive way.

2. I didn't quite see the need for swearing. Tut tut.

Sounds like he’ll need to have them overnight.

I would make sure to go in & have a chat with any mutual friends & the ok members of his family - I can’t imagine anything would make the Ex & his new wife feel more uncomfortable than that

THIS IS TERRIBLE ADVICE!! Wtaf! This is how you end up being referred to for all of time as the nutjob ex-wife who went into their wedding uninvited and mingled. Absolutely cringeworthy.

OP, you are being so kind and generous but I do NOT think friends of yours or anyone else but someone the father has arranged should be taking the girls. It is his fucking problem and he alone needs to deal with it. You are nice enough to let them go without a fuss, the rest of it is not your business.

The venue is about 45-50 miles away - mostly motorway and to a town I know very well. I’m not averse to the journey, it’s not arduous, I’m angry that it was assumed I’d give up my (usually) childfree Saturday where I usually have a chance to do errands and have lunch that I don’t have time to do during the week (I work long hours and childcare funds are tight - one of the other reasons I want to keep them at their school is because they have an excellent breakfast and after school club, and I pay for a childminder for the remaining hour- I wouldn’t be able to do this with any of the local primaries and I have looked.)

So I have lost my Saturday, have lost my (birthday) Sunday - not a huge issue as I never do much for it anyway, but would have been nice to go for a drink with friends - and because he is off in the South of France with NW for the next two weeks + I won’t get another day off for quite a while.

Don’t get me wrong, I adore my girls and love spending time in their company. It’s just that now I’m on my own, there’s no partner respite - there’s no ‘I’m just popping to the shop/cafe/gym, see you later’ and leaving the children with the partner. There’s no day to day sharing of the not inconsiderable task of parenting and it’s why I value those weekends and want to make the most of them.

XPs family (other than XP himself) haven’t ever taken the girls overnight, and although I’m sure they would, it does rankle that they effectively get the pleasantries while I do the legwork. It’s why I’m so sorely tempted to say no, this is your weekend, I appreciate a wedding may make things complicated, but I need a break too and I don’t expect you to believe that you can take liberties with that. I don’t mind having the girls that weekend, as wedding/birthday changes up the usual custody agreement, but I’m not happy with my ‘free’ (read: ‘mine and busy’) Saturday diarised in with me as drop off. It’s not fair, and it’s not what we agreed.

It’s totally unreasonable of him for so many reasons. Please explain your position to him and his mother and don’t give in.

I would say let's see what he does with your message.
Essentially you can stick to, your week-end you want to see them you sort it out.
But being a doomonger I would say if his extended family wont rock the boat extending an opinion on this, they wont rock the boat offering an opinion to him on anything else he does so I wouldn't worry too much about their perception

Absolutely his responsibility to collect and drop off (or arrange with a trusted adult to drop off) his DCs for his wedding on his weekend, especially as he will have the next two weeks child free.

I know you're saying you want to be close by, but certainly for the daytime part, they will be absolutely fine - they have a role to play, family and friends to play with, plenty of adults to keep an eye (but yes, obviously someone needs to be designated or everyone assumes someone else is doing it!)

Personally I would say that they should stay overnight the night before if that is what his family are all doing, so that they are there to enjoy the getting ready part and not feeling like they arrive in the middle of the chaos. Then a sober relative needs to be in charge of dropping them home.

If he can't commit to those two things then he needs to make other arrangements as you are busy that day, what with it being his wedding day and his DCs being invited as it's their weekend with him, you have made other arrangements. Perfectly fair in my opinion - you aren't stopping them from going, in fact you're wholeheartedly embracing them being a full part of the wedding party, just as he wished. He doesn't get to pick and choose which bits, leaving your weekend in pieces because of it.

I know you say you're happy to go to the local area etc but you shouldn't have to, you should be able to have a normal day at home, safe in the knowledge that their other parent is including them in his big day. NW doesn't like it as the attention is supposed to be on her? Tough shit, welcome to step-motherhood!

I wonder if ow is aware of the plan for you to turn up twice on her day?
I don't know any bride who'd be comfortable with that.
Or is it another example of your ex doing whats easy for him and to hell with everyone else.

OP my heart goes out to you.
I just read the thread and then went back and read your opening post, you clearly stated that you don’t want them to go as this whole thing is killing you.
Sometimes you have to put yourself first (your ex sounds like he had no plroblem doing that) and I think that now is the moment when you need to say No.
It sounds like the school fees are preventing you from breaking free and doing what’s right for you and your daughters. I would really think about whether the school fees are worth the pain and mental stress of complying with your ex. Who knows what lies around the corner when he is married. It is highly likely he will have more children and given your comments about his shielding of assets he is clearly not naturally generous and could well decide to prioritise spending on his second family. Break free now from this toxic situation- talk to the school and check out state schools (they are also capable of dealing with shy or troubled children!). Otherwise you are just selling your mental health for a degree of privilege for your children, when what they really need is a happy liberated independent mother. Good luck, it is a truly horrible situation that the groom has put you in. You owe him nothing. He is scum.
And if your girls ask when they are older why they weren’t at the wedding (though I genuinely don’t think they would care) I don’t know why you can’t just be honest and tell them you were heartbroken.

Random comment from me OP. You write beautifully.

OK, so if you are covering the honeymoon then I guess you are also covering one of his other contact weekends and/or more than half of the school holidays? I think what I would do is say as you are kindly covering for the honeymoon, you won't be sending the girls to the wedding (as potentially too upsetting/confusing plus logistical issues as explained). I think you are on a hiding to nothing expecting him to have any appreciation of the practicalities of single parenting (he is clearly an extremely selfish and thoughtless person and that won't change). His extended family don't like it...tough. You are the wronged party here!

It will be good practice in taking decisions that he doesn't approve of. I feel there are likely to be others.

Oh, also I do see what you mean about the wrap around care at the private school. I am in a similar position with regards to that and work.

A good private school also puts you and DDs in a better position to get the secondary that will work best for you, whether that's private or state. So, worth playing a long game there. In the mean time I think I'd be contacting the school counsellor if you haven't already, for some advice.

It's not your wedding. You have no right to make any arrangements for dress fittings, hair, travel etc of any guest. Which is why you absolutely stand back and smile. Agree to whatever arrangements he makes, as long as it doesnt involve you lifting a finger.

Maybe the girls won't want to go - thats not your decision. If they do go, i would be so tempted to overload them with sugar.... but failing that, just let your dd2 shine at her outspoken best. She sounds like your best weapon in the arsenal of life! And he sounds like a prize shit. You are well rid. Go be happy!👍