No proposal for 12 yrs, now marrying someone else!

[fikit]

I have no idea what to do.

In short - I was with my ex partner for 12 years, through university, graduate careers etc. We have two DDs together.

Didn’t worry too much about marriage before children - after DD2 was born, we talked about it and he told me that he wasn’t ‘keen’ on the idea of marriage - rolled out the old ‘piece of paper to show how much I love you’ line and I was a little hurt that I’d miss out on a celebration and all the vows, and the looking down the aisle but, but I decided not to push it. We had a great relationship, two beautiful daughters, a house I adored and in the scope of things, my happiness wasn’t contingent on marriage.

We split last year after his affair with his now fiancé. Went from me, to her, to engaged to her in six months. They are getting married in July (day before my birthday) and want my DDs there.

I am not invited (obviously) but his mother has asked that I drop off the girls in the morning and pick them up from the reception?! She doesn’t drive otherwise she’d ‘do it herself to avoid any upset(?!)’ as XP really wants the girls there. As horrendously hurt as I am about the wedding, this is very much the proverbial straw on the proverbial camel.

AIBU to be completely WTF about this? Also - what do I do? I don’t want the girls there as this whole thing is destroying me, but he is their father.

Sorry for the long post, but help, please.

Sorry not RTFT either. On MN you will always get told to be a grown up etc

5 years on I would think that applied

Immediately in the aftermath I think it would be a perfectly reasonable response to reply "fuck no, and DDs won't be attending either, please don't contact me re my spineless exH in future"

I think I'd just say that it really wouldn't be appropriate for you to be involved. You're happy to consider any reasonable suggestions by ex as to transport and care of your DDs on the day, but it's not something it would appropriate for you to undertake.
And I'd be saying it to Ex, not MiL.
And really, I can't imagine either he or his fiancee would want you there tbh.
I wonder if his mum had made the suggestion off her own bat, without consulting him, it just sounds so unlikely that he would ask or expect you to get involved.

Look to the future.
It is not in your long-term interest, or your children's,
to be petulant over this. It is in everyone's interest for
you and your children's stepmother to be cordial to each other.

If dd2 says new wife is horrible and hits her and she wants to go home to her real mummy and lies on the floor screaming .... tough! Sounds like her dad’s problem, its his wedding.

Re school fees, can you ask school about help with fees if you explain the situation?
Re the wedding, I don't think there's a perfect solution, just make sure you are happy with what you end up doing.

Given your update can a friend go with you to the town and leave you in a cafe or just the car while she actually does the drop off and pick up? I really dint think you should be at the wedding. it's bound to be hurtful especially as all the guests will be friends and ex family of yours .

If you do that I would make it clear to him that you are doing it for his girls because they need some stability and he hasn't provided it.

Could the girls just have the meal and leave before the speeches? perhaps you could find a friend or family memeber who will text you a rough idea of the time it will finish and your friend can turn up and linger outside to collect them before the speeches. I agree that the speeches may be upsetting for the girls (i actually feel a bit sorry for hisbbeat man!) Im not sure the 4 year old will care but we were at a wedding this summer and my 6 year old had a lot of questions.

The whole tuing is horrible and you are handling it amazingly. Try and see the positives in this, at least with it hapoening so early in your DDs lives you can go on to find a partner who will be a terrific male role model for them and at some point in the future they might be your bridesmaids at a much more meaningful.wedding.

My dd would have grasped the situation at 4, and by 6 she would be asking questions and probably be very upset.
Awful situation all round.

Them getting overtired and stropping is so very, very not your problem.

It is not in your long-term interest, or your children's, to be petulant over this.

Petulant!! how on earth is it petulant to tell a man that it is his responsibility to get his children to and from his wedding? How is it petulant to say no matter whose responsibility it is, it certainly isn't that of the ex-partner.

Nothing the OP does now - or in the future - will change how her ex treats her. There is no magic formula. She needs to behave decently for the sake of her children and for her own self-respect but surely no one thinks a man who has behaved as he has - and who has the absolute brass balls to think it is his discarded partner's job to get his children to his wedding - will do anything other than suit himself - ever.

Juells made a great point upthread - having been in a similar situation I'd foolishly still been hanging on to the idea that the years we'd spent together had left him with some respect for me, despite loads of proof to the contrary.

He needs to name a non- drinking person to look after the girls.

Since when is it your responsibility to lift and lay the kids at his beck and call?

Tell him the kids can go but transport there and back will need to be sorted by him.

Alternatively tell him you’re going away for your birthday and they won’t be there.

Oh and then tell him and his arsehole mother to go fuck themselves.

I'd get one of the reliable relatives to text you when they think it's getting too much for the girls and play it by ear that way.

I think your gut instincts are right.

What he is doing is shitty. No doubt. It must feel good to know that his family feel this too. But ultimately, it's his life. And you should encourage, as you say, good memories for this day.

You sound like a thoroughly decent person, OP

I would not be driving 100 miles in a day because my ex wanted our children looking pretty in his wedding photos but he couldnt actually take care of them before during or after! Fuck no.

I have no real advice, op, but you're amazing. Whatever happens, youre going to be OK, and your girls are very lucky to have a woman like you as their mum. X

Nothing else to add except you sound an amazing Mum and dignified woman, OP 🌷

Just popping on to say you’ve done be right thing and I agree with your analysis that the decent extended family at the wedding will be somewhat appalled by the trawling about of your dc to lend legitmacy to something sordid and rushed, and you will have the moral upper hand.

The indecent people such as your cruel ex-almost-MIL aren’t worth worrying about.

In hindsight too, I wouldn’t want to tell my grown up dc that they weren’t in the wedding photos because of me - even though they won’t have that great of a day.

For me this is just an age q. I would facilitate it if the girls were older and would enjoy the day, especially if a bit unsupervised! But at 6 and 4 years old they are likely to get confused and upset if things didn't go their way (sore shoes, wrong food etc.)

I would call SIL and have that chat. If she doesn't have them often with her for long periods, I wouldn't allow it.

Take it from someone who split with their ex 14 years ago, the more reasonable you are the more your ex will take the piss.

He's being a CF only one year after leaving, if you're the ultra reasonable parent who doesn't hold a grudge then he will just get worse.

You can still be good parent without be a bloody walkover.

In hindsight too, I wouldn’t want to tell my grown up dc that they weren’t in the wedding photos because of me - even though they won’t have that great of a day.

She will have tougher questions to answer than that such as "why didn't you and dad get married"?

What seems unfair is that the dds are all geared up to go, outfits ready and now this has been sprung on op last minute.

Just one question op: why is attending his wedding more important than the dds spending your birthday weekend with you?

Sorry nothing really useful to say but dd2 having an honest speaking moment surely would be quite funny.....and a tantrum, welcome to parenthood!

Absolutely leave the transport in his hands. Let his mother know that you are expecting him to sort transport. I wouldn’t worry about your daughter speaking frankly to/about him - that’s just part of being a parent innit.

Wow, OP, you are awesome. Your message to your ex is perfect: you're not being obstructive, but you're not lying down and letting him walk all over you.

If your DDs go, and SIL steps up, then you will be seen as the one who is behaving decently and be the bigger person. And remember the old saying: a man who marries his mistress is creating a vacancy.

I hope they eat too much cake and chocolate and drink too much pop and puke all over OW's dress.

He's a shit and these are for you

I really don't think it would be in your DDs best interests to go to his wedding, and you should certainly NOT facilitate this.

If you're going to insist that they do go, then he needs to sort out the arrangements.

I think you are handling it well. They should go to their father´s wedding and although it is very understandable that you'd much rather be far away from there, I think hanging around somewhere local is probably a good idea so that you can pick them up when it gets too much.