No proposal for 12 yrs, now marrying someone else!

[fikit]

I have no idea what to do.

In short - I was with my ex partner for 12 years, through university, graduate careers etc. We have two DDs together.

Didn’t worry too much about marriage before children - after DD2 was born, we talked about it and he told me that he wasn’t ‘keen’ on the idea of marriage - rolled out the old ‘piece of paper to show how much I love you’ line and I was a little hurt that I’d miss out on a celebration and all the vows, and the looking down the aisle but, but I decided not to push it. We had a great relationship, two beautiful daughters, a house I adored and in the scope of things, my happiness wasn’t contingent on marriage.

We split last year after his affair with his now fiancé. Went from me, to her, to engaged to her in six months. They are getting married in July (day before my birthday) and want my DDs there.

I am not invited (obviously) but his mother has asked that I drop off the girls in the morning and pick them up from the reception?! She doesn’t drive otherwise she’d ‘do it herself to avoid any upset(?!)’ as XP really wants the girls there. As horrendously hurt as I am about the wedding, this is very much the proverbial straw on the proverbial camel.

AIBU to be completely WTF about this? Also - what do I do? I don’t want the girls there as this whole thing is destroying me, but he is their father.

Sorry for the long post, but help, please.

The Miss Havisham costume is a good idea, but personally I think you should go in a Borat mankini. Just to fit with the gravitas and class of the occasion.

I think you are doing everything exactly right OP ! I can't imagine how much this hurts, but you are putting your children in front of your heartache and not making them choose.

Absolutely NOT ok to ask a 4 & 6 yr old there 'choice'. Their choice would be for mummy and Daddy together. The only one who would look bad for them not going is you and it's pretty clear that by letting them go you are putting their relationship with their father first. Not a martyr one bit. Just an amazing mum.

In the huge list of pros of marriage when children are involved is the time to grieve the relationship during the divorce process. My dear friend had a similar situation to you. Her 4 kids were almost all adults and she had been living with a man who 'didn't believe in marriage ' for 25 yrs.

He met a 26yr old from Eastern Europe whilst on a business trip in Dubai. Left his partner and married her within 12 Weeks. Horrific . Not just the lack of home (his name) income (sahm) and maintenance (all but one over 18) but the sheer horror of the speed of it.

Her ex Ps new bride 'insisted' on marriage because she was catholic and her family wouldn't approve of her 'living in sin'. This moral stance on catholic teaching didn't appear to extend to shagging a man before marriage who had a partner and family.

Take care OP. Keep doing what you're doing. Be with friends on the day itself and remember the old MN saying of 'living a happy life' being the best revenge. Your girls will work it all out in years to come and know who put them first.

Totally agree, pallisers. Given some of the vitriol and bile posted on this thread it appears that some people don't understand the decent behaviour that strong people with integrity display. You're doing brilliantly, OP.

You must be reeling from all of this in the time frame OP

You will do what you judge is in your DDs' best interests and you've done so well to get to where you are.

The thing I'd counsel you about, bearing in mind the full financial agreement is still being discussed, is don't roll over. You absolutely should not be in the position of being told what you have to do, nor should it be your sole responsibility to put a roof over your DDs' heads and keep them.

I would be detached and polite and respond that you have no objections to the girls participating in their father's sudden wedding, but you're unable to contribute time or transport as due to a lifetime's preengagement, you have other plans. I especially wouldn't take kindly to the order being issued by someone who had effectively withdrawn any interest in their own grandchildren's physical welfare.

I think categoric made some really good points above. Im not at all sure attending this wedding is putting your childrens best interests first. Esp as he cant even sort out arrangements himself

Just to clarify - this is an unusual situation. I am strict with the normal, everyday weekend visits, we have a set time, a contact agreement with regards to checking in - but my terms were that he came to pick them up for their weekends. I work full time and long hours, and he has more time on his hands - I have two weekends to myself a month, he has staff to help, and a more comfortable car for the motorway He doesn’t walk all over me, we have rules and he generally sticks by them.

it was the cavalier attitude by his mother (backed up as it seems he’s told her that this is the plan) almost as if I was just taking the girls to ballet or tutoring, rather than to an event that I’d rather be a million miles away from. I was prepared to make some exceptions, but not that I’m going to have to be there.

I have discussed this with a few friends, and they’ve all offered to help in driving the girls up there but the girls are so little, and DD1 is so anxious, that if they’re there, I don’t feel I can be at home. Frankly I’m also a little worried about what DD2 will do or say, she has a very honest tongue and I’ve had some real red-faced-sprint-and-hide moments with things that she’s said. I’m also entirely convinced that she does it on purpose as they’re usually fairly accurate!

If they were a bit older, I wouldn’t mind as much, but they’re not, and they will get over-tired and naughty once the glow of the ‘princess’ dresses they’re presently enraptured with has worn off. I don’t know much about his fiancé, but I don’t think she’d enjoy a DD2 tantrum.

I was tempted to say yes to ceremony, no to reception, but apparently it’s an all in one, they’re getting married in an old castle/house with the ceremony and reception all in one, and the girls are quite excited about the wedding breakfast and the cake so I’m torn as to what to do. I want them to have this memory, as they probably won’t be flower girls again (I’m the baby of a small and mostly emigrated family) but there’s also a large and significantly bitchy part of me that wants to disappear to somewhere hot and spa-y with the girls for the whole of July and say no.

A slightly more sensible part of me is recognising that although XP and XMnotIL can go stuff themselves, I do value the support of some of his other family members, especially as my own family is mostly abroad or far away now. Some of them have privately voiced their discomfort with this wedding, but don’t want to disrupt their relationship with XP as he is their relation. I can’t help but feel that I’m going to be in a much stronger position with his extended circle if I have been dignified and decent from the beginning if my relationship with XP deteriorates and I need their support.

What do you think?

Are the friends attending the wedding?

I don’t think you should be responsible for transporting them. I can’t believe he has the cheek to even ask!

You said it was your birthday the day after, what about your own life and any plans you have to celebrate this!

I entirely agree with your last para, OP. You clearly want to facilitate their relationship with their paternal family and I can see why. It's great that friends have offered to help you out, could you maybe accept their offers, say the girls will leave early and accompany the friend who picks them up? If they're already excited about their frocks, it would be awful to say they're not going at this stage.

This is so hurtful. I personally don’t think anyone should have asked you re the girls going.
However, obviously we have to be adult here. If it were me I’d be tempted to give dd’s a little goodie bag before they went. Full of coca cola, sweets in every colour, hell haribo for breakfast, why not. Then ship them off with someone else to be looked after all day while everyone enjoys they’re hyperactivity through the ceremony...

for you whatever you end up doing

*Your approach to all this is a bit martyrish OP.

Your very young children should not be at that wedding at all. It's a potentially damaging event that they will struggle to process*

I don't agree with this at all. At 4&6yo the actual wedding itself doesn't have to be damaging at all. The damaging part (their father leaving) has already taken place, children don't care or understand about the intricacies of adult relationships, they only care about what affects them day to day and a wedding doesn't. They will just view it as a chance to wear a pretty dress and take their lead on how to feel about it from their mum so if op keeps her cool then they'll be just fine.

You are amazing op

OP, whatever you decide to do, I wouldn’t lose any sleep over what your DD2 might say or do at this wedding.

She’s four years old and has been through a lot in the last year. He is her father and he is the one responsible for this disruption in her life. He wants her to be at his wedding. You will not be there. Whatever she says or does on the day is his responsibility and his problem, not yours.

The wedding isn’t just a party. It’s also the day the other woman becomes your children’s stepmother, with all the complications that entails. Your ex’s new bride will need to get used to that, starting from now.

If she doesn’t like the fact that her new husband has a past, and that he comes as part of a package deal with two young children, one of whom might make a scene on her wedding day, that’s too bad. She should have thought about that before she made the choice to have an affair with their father and ultimately lure him away from their mother.

These family members who support you, could you rely on them to look after the girls before, during or after the event.
There's no point keeping these members sweet if all they're going to do is mumble about him behind his back. It may make you feel better but can they help in practical ways?
I hate the thought of you hanging around outside the venue.
If your dd kicks off so be it. That's what kids do. You can't worry about everything that could go wrong.

How about set a limit of say 2-3 hours - enough time to cover the service and a bit of the the reception, so that you and friend can do lunch as pp suggested, then get the friend to pick up girls and you all go off to a hotel elsewhere or go home and arrange something nice for your birthday the next day. Then notify him of what you are prepared to do.
I would agree with you about the service not the reception. With an all in one a couple of hours will be plenty.

You poor poor thing. That sounds truly awful. Totally agree with previous posters - you don't have to facilitate anything. To be honest I would be concerned about the effect on your children and wouldn't force them to go if you think they don't want to/will be upset - they have not had much time to get used to the separation and then they are going to watch their dad marry someone who is not their mum - in what sounds like less than a year? Your ex has not been very considerate of his children in this new arrangement has he!

Apologies - on phone and realised I missed a few pages of comments and have echoed some other posters!!

Wow, he is ''missing a chip''.

I'd tell him that you're happy for the girls to attend like fuck you are and that he's welcome to collect them and drop them home but obviously you cannot facilitate that yourself.

Oh just seen that's what you've texted to him.

My friend married a man with a daughter and the daughter was like a lost soul on the day. I ended up chatting to her briefly, she needed a motherly type looking out for her and my friend had no kids at that point and her Dad, well he was just enjoying the knees up.

Sounds to me like you're handling everything in the wisest possible way. Your dd's will thank you in the long run. If you want to be nearby while your dds are at the wedding perhaps the family could put you up in a hotel in the same town at their expense. That way you would drive the girls the longer distance there and back but his sister could collect and drop back from you at nearby hotel. You'd get a day to revisit old haunts while being near at hand in case of bridesmaid meltdown. His family would get the dds in pretty dresses for the photos without the logistics of doing the drive.

Please let us know the response to your text when you can.

I'd say ominously

" plenty of time for you to have the girls after the honeymoon"

And even though it will hurt, make sure that he has the children often enough for you to rebuild a childfree life in that space.

Well ic they already havd their dresses snd are excited to go thfn you can't pull thd rug out under them. I hope your exes sister or your friends step up properly to look after them.
Hes such an arse. I would be very relaxed about tantrums of comments at wedding. Their dad can handle it.
Just a few hours and then its all done. I hope you find something good to do and keep your head up. I would be rather grossed out at this wedding and willing to bet so are many others. Not your circus tho

I think you need to tell him that he has to arrange for your daughters to be taken to & from the wedding, you will not be doing it, could your daughters stay overnight at their grandmas or aunties, if none of this is arranged then your daughters will not be attending the wedding. I imagine the support you currently get from his family will dwindle if your relationship with him deteriorates further, they may like you, but he is their son/Brother & they will side with him

OP you are being incredibly level headed and dignified about this. Your girls are at the absolute centre of your approach and you are managing to brush aside your own hurt to think about them. This must be terribly difficult and I am so sorry that your ex is such an obvious dicksplash (technical term)

Your daughters will eventually know how difficult this has been for you, not because you've told them but because you are raising them with such fab ethics about what it is to be a mum. They'll realise this on their own in time. Lots of pp have said how you are being a doormat- I totally disagree and hope that you have your head held high in the knowledge that you are doing what you believe is right for your daughters, whether or not that impacts your own feelings about the situation and despite what others views are. Lots of and admiration from here.

I apologise in advance for not reading the whole thread.
I’m guessing that as you were with him for 12 years you know a lot of his friends & obviously get on well with some of his family?
If I were in the position where I had to pick up the children I wouldn’t be skulking in the car park. I would make sure to go in & have a chat with any mutual friends & the ok members of his family - I can’t imagine anything would make the Ex & his new wife feel more uncomfortable than that.

Do you not feel that they will feel compromised? You are left behind, this is clearly a big event, and the confusion and anguish of seeing their father being so affectionate with a virtual stranger (in their young eyes) might be incredibly damaging?

I understand you want to do the right thing, but this is more than just pretty dresses and your beautiful dds being perfect adornments to their big day. Have you considered that this could be painful for them? It is very likely to be painful for them.

They haven't had time to process your separation, or the meaning and consequences of this. They don't know this woman very well (at all?) Your youngest child is four years old. You are going to facilitate this whole charade whilst not being there to explain, comfort and reassure.

I don't think you are being the bigger person at all, I really don't, nor denying them a wonderful 'princess day' (they can have one of those at disneyland without the emotional damage)

There is no way I would allow this, for THEIR sake, not for mine.