No proposal for 12 yrs, now marrying someone else!

[fikit]

I have no idea what to do.

In short - I was with my ex partner for 12 years, through university, graduate careers etc. We have two DDs together.

Didn’t worry too much about marriage before children - after DD2 was born, we talked about it and he told me that he wasn’t ‘keen’ on the idea of marriage - rolled out the old ‘piece of paper to show how much I love you’ line and I was a little hurt that I’d miss out on a celebration and all the vows, and the looking down the aisle but, but I decided not to push it. We had a great relationship, two beautiful daughters, a house I adored and in the scope of things, my happiness wasn’t contingent on marriage.

We split last year after his affair with his now fiancé. Went from me, to her, to engaged to her in six months. They are getting married in July (day before my birthday) and want my DDs there.

I am not invited (obviously) but his mother has asked that I drop off the girls in the morning and pick them up from the reception?! She doesn’t drive otherwise she’d ‘do it herself to avoid any upset(?!)’ as XP really wants the girls there. As horrendously hurt as I am about the wedding, this is very much the proverbial straw on the proverbial camel.

AIBU to be completely WTF about this? Also - what do I do? I don’t want the girls there as this whole thing is destroying me, but he is their father.

Sorry for the long post, but help, please.

@Fikit you ried to see the best in someone, in a whole group of people and that is something to be proud of. They should be ashamed.
I do think the girls being there is about them showing everyone that "all is well" when it really could never be OK to do this.
If this is how his mother behaves then actually you can see the apple didn't fall too far from the tree. But your girls do have a very different mother, and I do truly hope that you now have the opportunity to meet someone very special who will treat you well!

I have been in a similar position to you. Albeit my DD was considerably younger than yours are when her father & I split.

Throughout her childhood no matter how hard it was for me personally I also put her first - including when he remarried.

My advice is to allow them to go
He/His family need to organise how/when for the morning part
Agree a time (earlier rather than later) to collect the girls from the reception
Involve your girls in planning how you will all spend the evening after the wedding including possibly a hotel (even if a travel lodge/B&B somewhere near by) and what great fun you will have the following day for your birthday - let them choose activities to do for your bday.

This way your girls are 'there' for the wedding, this can never be thrown back at you. But they also know they have this great other set of plans that are special to them (not them merely hanging around all day the previous day, as sadly they will be surplus to the brides requirements once they have looked pretty for the first 30 mins) And make a big fuss of them, turn it into a positive. However also be prepared that following a drawn out day they may only be good for crashing out themselves - hence you should collect them sooner rather than later.

My DD is now nearly 20 and recognises the scarifies her mother always made for her. She also sees the 'disney daddy' efforts for what they were - meaningless fluff in her life, whereas mummy taught how to fundamentally be a strong and independent individual. Traits that actually matter forging forward into the world.

You sound like you've already laid down the groundworks for your independence. Continue finding the strength to further distance yourself from the ass that is now someones problem

It makes sense to make him pay the fees and as soon as you could afford them on your own, put that money away for unexpected expenses,treats, uni, etc. Do not let this idiot get away with anything.

Just let's take this back a notch. You're getting tied up in the arrangements for the day (understandably).

But....I think you need to take a massive step back and consider :

"What is in the best interests of the girls?"

"What about this day, will be a positive experience for them?"

I would say, that they would be far better off, giving this wedding a miss.

They are too young to appreciate what a wedding really is. They will have to listen to stupid speeches that gloss over how inappropriately this wedding came to pass. They will have to watch Daddy get cosy with a stranger.

It's just too confusing.

What's more, if you were to do something else really fun on that day, they wouldn't even think about what's happening some 50 miles away.

I honestly wouldn't let them go.

If their Dad trots out some bullshit like "It's my wedding day, it's so important that they are there", then you reply with :

"Weddings aren't important, it's just a piece of paper"

If finances allow, I'd even book a holiday abroad and grab a lovely week of sun with them.

Regards the school fees, be careful here...what will he have to pay instead, by way of child maintenance? If the school fees are more, then let him stick with that. DO NOT let him away with paying nothing. Also, if you had a joint account up until the split, and his wages were paid in to that, ensure you keep bank statements, as proof to CMS of what he was earning, just a short time ago. You may think that he'd never try to under pay. I thought the same, and was proven very wrong, coincidentally, as soon as he got with a new woman, who didn't like him paying. He got away with convincing CMS that he earned around £32,000, when infact, he was earning £132,000.

It's obvious he can be a total bastard, so never underestimate what he may be capable of.

@Ladywillpower
I also don't agree that the only people who matter here are the children! You matter too OP & your feelings are being completely disregarded.
As for those who say be the bigger person etc, in my experience that often just gives the CFs carte Blanche to behave how they want without a second thought for anyone else.

That's how I'd feel about it as well. It was an appalling thing to suggest to you, and it's appalling for them to want your DC to be flower girls. They're totally lacking in sensitivity, so the only person who will ever look out for you will be you.

Yes, he is completely disregarding the children’s feelings. Even if he and OP had grown apart, separated by mutual agreement and he had left a sensible period before marrying a lovely woman they are still young enough to feel abandoned, hurt and angry.

The idea that they should just show up and be flower girls is so unfeeling.

OP, I think you have handled this amazingly so far.

I do think XP need to look at this from the POV of the girls though.

To make it a truly wonderful experience for them (and OW should be trying so hard to impress them right now!) they should be in the hotel, adjacent rooms the night before. With some family member, but preferably their dad.

Sleep over in a hotel, make overs in the morning, new dresses... it isn't hard to make this a wonderful experience for them with a little thought, attention to detail and fuss. Sleep over again after the wedding, and then going to see mummy the next morning for her birthday. Maybe a quick FaceTime with mummy to show off their pretty dresses (and for them to be reassured that you are ok). Handled correctly, this could be a wonderful weekend for them!

The whole drop them off that morning and pick them up after the reception smacks of 'wedding accessory' to me. Which they are not.

Your ex needs to man up and stop hiding behind his mother. If he can't bring himself to talk to you (guilty conscience?), I would send a letter through the solicitor, direct to him, telling him to include his children in the creation of his new family. As hurtful as this is for you (and I am genuinely sorry, he's a grade A twat!), sentiment aside, he needs to start laying foundations for their happiness and inclusion in his new life, which means considering their mental well-being.

They are not cute little puppets in the OW wedding show.

And, as for you, I hope you have some amazing friends who will come and do a Netflix binge/shopping trip/get you blind drunk so you can rant, rave and compare his anatomy to teeny tiny little raisins.

And secretly, I hope that DD2 gives OW hell!!!

Under the circumstances, if you don't feel like being magnanimous, book a holiday away. Be honest, say sorry I'm still very hurt and while I don't object to the girls being there, I don't want to be any part of it so collect and keep them while I'm away. Or their coming away with me. Sip cocktail and just be glad you had a lucky escape x

"Weddings aren't important, it's just a piece of paper"
Ps huskylover is a genius!

Huskeylover

What a well thought out post! OP, what do you really think, is in the best interests of your DDs?

I also agree with the genius that is huskylover.

I don't think that it is in your daughters' best interests to attend the wedding of their dad and his sidepiece.

I give it five years - tops. If he's wealthy, she'll probably squeeze out a couple of sprogs and rinse him for maintenance. So ensure that your own financial arrangements are watertight.

Be honest, say sorry I'm still very hurt and while I don't object to the girls being there, I don't want to be any part of it so collect and keep them while I'm away. Or their coming away with me.

This is perfect. It should clarify quickly if the OW wants cute wedding accessories and to be able to pretend that the DC adore her, or whether OPs ex is actually thinking about what is best for his DC as he starts his new life.

The bottom line, which is what I'd be looking at, is that your DDs will see their Dad marrying someone who isn't their Mum, and will hear all sorts of gushy "This is the best day of my life, I'm so happy" speeches. I think it's dreadful.

I agree. Those poor little girls are going to be sad and confused. Children understand a lot more than we give them credit for.
Has he made any attempt to explain himself and his actions?
To reassure them that they are important and he loves them?
He sounds very self centred and oblivious to the damage he has done and is doing.

I echo that the girls are too young to really understand the wedding and why they are supposed to be there. It is too much too soon, and I would be looking for a much more gradual introduction in a calm and relaxed environment.

It is just expecting too much of your girls to adjust to all of this in the time frame, and on those grounds I would say no.

I would also be concerned that their father will be otherwise engaged with the proceedings, your mother in law is elderly whom will be taking good care of them for the reception? There will be potentially drunken strangers there all evening, and your girls are very young

I would not feel comfortable leaving them at a hotel with family members either, that is a huge leap of trust given everything that has happened and still happening....

On the grounds of too much too soon so the answer would be no.

In time you hope he will take the time to properly introduce them, but given it has been just a few months the answer is no.

I would book the most lovely weekend away for all of you, pref with friends, perhaps a theme park somewhere distracting and fun.

whom - who

His wedding his responsibility to pick them up and return them. Unbelievable that his mother expected you to do it.

his mother has asked that I drop off the girls in the morning and pick them up from the reception?

Don't do it.

Or you could take them away for the weekend and have a lovely mum and daughters time.

fikit, I just went through almost identical thing as you except the timeline is slightly different. Ex-H left 5 years ago and basically OW he left me for is now up the duff with their first child and they had their wedding last weekend.

My DCs went (8 and 10) and I never said a word. They were excited about the wedding, about their new sibling etc. Wedding on Saturday, they asked that I picked the DCs up at a train station in London as they were going to stay overnight in London to celebrate. Which I did. Luckily I had lovely girlfriends who supported me on Saturday though I still felt down about certain things (like why he gets to have his happily ever after while I haven't met anyone significant in these five years...) but I will live and I will never make my DCs suffer for their inadequacy.

OW had the cheek to ask me to have the DCs an extra weekend as they chose to get married on the weekend I have the DCs. Uh... It's not my problem you choose to have your wedding on my access weekend. I live for the day when my DCs will realise how shit their Dad is... They know their true home is with me and I will always remember that. Everyone has given good advice to you here. I can't even begin to imagine how raw this is for you as five years down the road, it still fucking hurts. You are strong, you've got this!

Wedding conundrum aside I think you sound great OP - your girls are lucky to have you.

Martyrdom is not good for anyone and OP you seem to think that you are behaving well by not taking anything from your ex and letting him walk all over you. You are not.

You need to address maintenance and how often the children will see their father. It should be set out in a court order. You should make your children available for access but not facilitate it at all. Have a phone and email address solely for contact with him and be utterly polite.

You also need to think about the mental health of your daughters. What sort of message are you sending if you continue to do this dreadful man’s bidding?

I have a terrible father too and was constantly confused as a child by my DM ignoring really appalling behaviour on his part and making me go to see him or go on holiday with him and his latest wife or partner etc etc. I couldn’t understand why everyone thought my father was acceptable. My DGM worshipped him as well. I couldn’t trust my own judgment because other people were refusing to acknowledge what was unacceptable about his behaviour under the guise of being civilised.

I almost married a controlling and emotionally abusive man because that was my normal. I jumped at his commands because like Pavlov’s dog, that was my learnt experience.

My mother and I had a dreadful relationship for a while as I processed everything. She was adamant that she had behaved well because she had never bad mouthed him and made sure that I kept contact with him. My view was that she had made me doubt my own judgment and set me up to think bad behaviour was acceptable.

I don’t think that attending the wedding will be good for your DCs’ mental health. They are too young to really understand (probably just as well), will have a long day with adults drinking around them, they won’t have their father’s attention and are being asked to attend for your ex’s benefit. Please don’t put them through it for someone who is so lacking in care for them that he can’t even be bothered to pick them up.

He might threaten you but he’ll pay the DC’s fees. It’s not done for them btw, it’s done so people can be impressed at his generosity. I bet he’s not as ready with the information that he pays no maintenance.

Your approach to all this is a bit martyrish OP.

Your very young children should not be at that wedding at all. It's a potentially damaging event that they will struggle to process.

Its horrible, but maybe yes, ask the girls if they want to go, dont think you should be expected to take them though, as he cheated on you with this new woman.

Your approach to all this is a bit martyrish OP.

What a horribly unfair thing to say.