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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No proposal for 12 yrs, now marrying someone else!

783 replies

fikit · 16/05/2018 00:35

I have no idea what to do.

In short - I was with my ex partner for 12 years, through university, graduate careers etc. We have two DDs together.

Didn’t worry too much about marriage before children - after DD2 was born, we talked about it and he told me that he wasn’t ‘keen’ on the idea of marriage - rolled out the old ‘piece of paper to show how much I love you’ line and I was a little hurt that I’d miss out on a celebration and all the vows, and the looking down the aisle but, but I decided not to push it. We had a great relationship, two beautiful daughters, a house I adored and in the scope of things, my happiness wasn’t contingent on marriage.

We split last year after his affair with his now fiancé. Went from me, to her, to engaged to her in six months. They are getting married in July (day before my birthday) and want my DDs there.

I am not invited (obviously) but his mother has asked that I drop off the girls in the morning and pick them up from the reception?! She doesn’t drive otherwise she’d ‘do it herself to avoid any upset(?!)’ as XP really wants the girls there. As horrendously hurt as I am about the wedding, this is very much the proverbial straw on the proverbial camel.

AIBU to be completely WTF about this? Also - what do I do? I don’t want the girls there as this whole thing is destroying me, but he is their father.

Sorry for the long post, but help, please.

OP posts:
kateandme · 16/05/2018 13:32

I love it on here when I know I want to say something but due to being verbally rubbish at putting head to words it comes out wrong,silly or doesn't make sense! but then along comes people with much better educated palettes with sentencing.some great advice given here.

TinkyWinky40 · 16/05/2018 13:32

Agree with Palliser too.

Completely insensitive for your ex partner and his Mum to even suggest this. Tell her no and if they want them there to arrange pick-up themselves. CF!

Unfortunately I know a woman in a similar predicament to yours and can see the same happening to her, very suspicious when a man is happy to settle down and have kids but yet refuse to marry, even if it’s to protect the Mother of his children.

trickyboots · 16/05/2018 13:33

Nothing useful to add, except to say you sound so cool and dignified op. Amazingly so, given the circumstances.

WhiteCat1704 · 16/05/2018 13:33

I would NOT get them there. He is their FATHER, the other parent..it's up to him to arrange for them to get there and ensure suitable care. He has NO RIGHT to ask anything of you.

Frankly I would be inclined to not let them go at all if they don't want to but as you decided you want them with their dad he HAS TO take some responsibility. You are not a bloody childminer :/.

Re school fees - he should be paying. But as soon as you can start putting money aside in case he stops.

How is care sorted? EOW?

confusedlittleone · 16/05/2018 13:33

Even if they sort transport you don't have to say yes.

Juells · 16/05/2018 13:35

Re remarks that he's arranged it near your birthday for spite - I really don't believe that. More likely he hasn't given it a thought. That date suited, that would be all that mattered to him.

Fruitcorner123 · 16/05/2018 13:36

Well as soon as the next few months have finished then I would contact CSA. If you want to put the funds in trust then that’s your prerogative. However, I wouldn’t rely on ex—twat—to do this

i agree with this. Please make sure you go through CSA and get your girls what they are entitled to. I do get that you dont want to be dependent on him but the girls are owed that money from him.

endofagain · 16/05/2018 13:40

He needs to be paying maintenance until they finish their education.
Do not let him off the hook.
They are his children.

IsMyUserNameRubbish · 16/05/2018 13:50

He sounds like a heartless bastard. If you can afford it, take the kids away for a week, the week he's getting married.

poobumwee · 16/05/2018 13:51

If your girls really want to go, then their Dad needs to make suitable arrangements to get them there and back safely. The End!

Flowerpotbicycle · 16/05/2018 13:53

Shock I cannot believe what an utter prick he is.
I don’t know what to say other than that my sympathies are with you xx

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 16/05/2018 13:59

I would let the kids go. Otherwise your anger (justified) will eat you up, separate the kids and Dad from your emotions about it.

Should you drive? No way! They can sort all of that and no you are gone for the whole day.

He sounds like a prize asshole and I hope that you get a better deal with your next man. Marrying the person you had an affair with? Yuk. Within a year? Double yuk.

Good luck in your life OP. You deserve it.

BustopherJones · 16/05/2018 14:04

At least SIL sounds like she is a safe pair of hands, and possibly they won’t have a horrible time. And if you can spend the day nearby you can go to get them if needed.

If they have a good time, great. They have many years to learn that their father is a twat, and you can be sure they will. If they have a horrible time at least you’ll be there when it’s over to listen to them and eat birthday cake.

I used to work in a hotel where a wedding ended up drenched by fire sprinklers. I hope they are just as lucky.

Mosaic123 · 16/05/2018 14:04

What about taking them and sitting round the corner in the car just in case they need you. Then SIL can bring them out when they are ready or, and hopefully not, upset.

Strigiformes · 16/05/2018 14:06

Hi op, just to clarify about your children's maintenance. You said that your ex partner isn't paying any now but is paying all the school fees instead. So when you pay half each for the school he will be giving maintenance then? Please don't tell me that you intend to stay in that 1 bedroom flat, paying expensive private school fees with your ex not contributing for your daughters living costs.

Fruitcorner123 · 16/05/2018 14:07

Mosaic123 is that a joke? you think the OP should drive miles out of her way at great inconvenience to herself to sit in a car all day?

Queenoftheblitz · 16/05/2018 14:14

What about taking them and sitting round the corner in the car just in case they need you. Then SIL can bring them out when they are ready or, and hopefully not, upset.

Good god, i'm all for self sacrifice for the kids. But no one should debase themselves this way. That action could haunt op for the rest of her life. She needs to be re building her self esteem, not further damaging it.
The dds will be fine if they're left to get on with it. They don't need to be worrying about mummy hiding outside in a car.

postcardsfrom · 16/05/2018 14:18

you sound like you have it sorted OP! As for the fees, I think you're absolutely right about not having him pay them all. I have a friend who's dad paid the fees, and constantly held it over her mother as a stick. Friend and mum lived in pretty poor circumstances while father and OW/step daughter lived in luxury and I would say it messed my friend up. She didn't do very well academically and the father still witters on ( 20 years later!) about how unappreciative she is, how she 'wasted' an education.
Get the maintenance sorted, the legal stuff that you can and take it from there.

GnotherGnu · 16/05/2018 14:19

Can't he arrange a taxi for his mother or sister to collect them and drop them off again?

Tiredspice2 · 16/05/2018 14:30

OP, I am sorry about your situation. You have to insist that he must make the arrangements to pick up the girls and bring them back to you. His mum can jump in the taxi with them and come back. Or a family friend could do this, surely?

He’s being a total shit. He dictated the terms of your relationship whilst you were with him, and now he is with some else he’s dictating instructions to you, on his wedding day to another woman! Please tell him to f-off and say no!!

Ladywillpower · 16/05/2018 14:33

I'm going against the grain here but I can't see what good it would do for your daughters to see their dad marrying someone they presumably hardly know. If MIL & the sister are so keen that they go they should be prepared to arrange to get them there & back.
I also don't agree that the only people who matter here are the children! You matter too OP & your feelings are being completely disregarded.
As for those who say be the bigger person etc, in my experience that often just gives the CFs carte Blanche to behave how they want without a second thought for anyone else.

Lweji · 16/05/2018 14:38

@Ladywillpower
Totally against the grain. Grin

MrsSchadenfreude · 16/05/2018 14:40

If he wants his daughters there, then he should arrange collecting them, sorting out everything on the day and returning them to you.

However, I might be tempted to take them, attend the ceremony (anyone can attend a wedding ceremony), clear my throat loudly when they ask if anyone knows any reasons why they may not be married, and get in all of the photos. Because as the DDs’ mother, you are clearly family. I would also take them away after the service. They don’t need to stay for the reception at that age.

Queenoftheblitz · 16/05/2018 14:43

I agree ladywillpower. Op you are important here and your feelings do count. Your happiness does affect your dds and when they are older I'm sure they will have plenty to say about his first wedding (I don't think this will be his last).
Sounds like you've worked hard to keep things civil for them. But for you to even consider driving them there and back, reveals you are in danger of becoming a doormat. His behaviour reveals he thinks you're a soft touch. You do have to look to the future and what other stunts he may pull because he thinks he can. You do sound a lovely mum but you need to safeguard your emotional wellbeing for all 3 of you.

HeedMove · 16/05/2018 14:52

Would I fuck be doing that. Id be telling them if they want the girls there theyd better find another family member to drive them. I wouldnt be making their life easier at all after what they have both done to you.