No proposal for 12 yrs, now marrying someone else!

[fikit]

I have no idea what to do.

In short - I was with my ex partner for 12 years, through university, graduate careers etc. We have two DDs together.

Didn’t worry too much about marriage before children - after DD2 was born, we talked about it and he told me that he wasn’t ‘keen’ on the idea of marriage - rolled out the old ‘piece of paper to show how much I love you’ line and I was a little hurt that I’d miss out on a celebration and all the vows, and the looking down the aisle but, but I decided not to push it. We had a great relationship, two beautiful daughters, a house I adored and in the scope of things, my happiness wasn’t contingent on marriage.

We split last year after his affair with his now fiancé. Went from me, to her, to engaged to her in six months. They are getting married in July (day before my birthday) and want my DDs there.

I am not invited (obviously) but his mother has asked that I drop off the girls in the morning and pick them up from the reception?! She doesn’t drive otherwise she’d ‘do it herself to avoid any upset(?!)’ as XP really wants the girls there. As horrendously hurt as I am about the wedding, this is very much the proverbial straw on the proverbial camel.

AIBU to be completely WTF about this? Also - what do I do? I don’t want the girls there as this whole thing is destroying me, but he is their father.

Sorry for the long post, but help, please.

Your ex obviously doesn't quite get that having children is slightly more of a commitment than getting married, does he OP? Twat. And the fact that he gets his mother to do his unpleasant tasks for him just makes me cringe. Hope that you'll soon be able to see how well rid you are of this spineless excuse for a man

If I were you I'd spend lots of time fantasising in my head about all the batshit ways you could take revenge and then follow soggy digestive's very good advice above. In the long run you'll be glad you kept your dignity intact and paid your own way but at the same time he really should cover his share of the children's day-to-day living costs AND school fees. He may have managed to cast you off easily, but don't let him abjure financial responsibility for his daughters.

It's natural that so many people feel angry on your behalf (as do I) because your ex sounds like a selfish arse. I have been in a very similar situation with my ex - the father of my first child.
However, the children are small. Do they need to know that Dad is such a selfish bastard and cares so little about them that he can't be arsed to make arrangements to get them to his wedding? Probably not at this stage. It will be less hurtful for the kids and probably less stressful for you in the long run if you do what your mother in law has requested. Ultimately you will have the moral high ground. The kids will eventually come to see what kind of a man their father is. I'm not saying that what he has proposed here is right at all - he sounds like a total idiot and my emotional side agrees with everyone else who advises you to tell him to fuck off (which is what he deserves). However, I have been in your situation and sometimes doing whatever creates the least amount of drama for the kids is the right thing to do.
I'm sorry you are having to deal with this OP.

Sorry I haven't had time to read the full thread

I posted recently about my ex who is about to marry the OW very quickly after divorce finalised and my teenage DCs will be attending. So, not exactly the same situation as yours, but I can understand how shit this is for you.

I haven't been asked, but if I were there is no way I would have anything to do with it - transporting or getting them ready in any way.

If your DDs are attending they are his responsibility from collecting from your house to returning again. He should be supervising them the whole time and bringing them back home afterwards. If he can't agree to that then I don't think they should go.

I think I'd just collect them after the photos - lets face it, that's all the ex-il's want isn't it? To look good for their guests as they have not given a flying fuck about what the girls might be feeling or your feelings in this.

Because the day will likely be confusing and emotional for the DD's then in that instance I would do the drop and pick up. And have something great planned for the afternoon like a pet farm or other outing that you know they'll love to do with you. You get to minimise the impact of a difficult day for your DD's, and they get their wedding props which is all they seem to be concerned with.

So what I would do is this, get him to confirm that his sister is looking after the girls and then leave him out of the loop, making your arrangements directly with her. Then arrange that a friend or sibling goes with you to WeddingTown, you drop off the children go do lunch or whatever then friend goes into the reception to collect them meaning you don't have to and are spared lots of twatty relatives loving the drama of the spurned ex on the scene to collect the kids.

OP, your strength, dignity, integrity and emotional intelligence shines out of your posts. You really are an amazing role model for your daughters and they'll be so proud of you when they grow up to be the wonderful women you've taught them to be.

I hope you manage to get this sorted out in a way that causes you and your daughters as little pain and angst as possible. It sounds as if their lovely aunt might hold the key.

Personally I'm delighted that horrible man didn't marry you, he absolutely doesn't deserve you. I hope you'll find your equal and marry him very soon.

I think the fact that they expect you to drive them there, hang around for x amount of hours and then drive them back is bonkers.
If he wants them at the wedding, he'll have to sort out transport.

OP I would feign surprise and say that you thought he would want to take the dd's on honeymoon with them.

OP, you sounds absolutely amazing, a marvel. Your girls are lucky to have you as their mum.

In terms of what to do, if SIL is reliable, then I would drive them there (not too early for them to get bored or anxious) and hand over to her, but I would make it clear that they were staying for the ceremony snd a short while at the reception only. A few hours tops. It's way too much for two little girls of that age to experience such a fucked up and confusing dynamic for any longer than that.

In your shoes I would also facilitate them going (so long as you are sure they're both ok with it) because I think your reasons are valid. However, it would be on the following basis-
-ceremony and an hour or two thereafter for photos only
-SIL in charge and on strict instructions to call the OP in the event of ANY tears, upset or wobbles

I would want to be their safe haven at the end of this tumultuous day, not a distant relative in a strange hotel room. If you're going to let them go, then you need to be involved to the extent that you can support any fallout from the day. It will be hard for you and incredibly selfless of you.

In fact, you do sound selfless OP. You sound ill matched to your exDP who sounds like the opposite of selfless- a selfish narc of a prat. You are well rid.

In years to come when your lovely girls are older and asking about this time in your lives, you will be able demonstrate, head held high, that you did what you thought was the best for everybody in some very distressing circumstances (but not at the expense of their own wellbeing), and I am sure they will be in awe of you.

to you OP. It does sound like you've dodged a bullet with your ex P though!

I think you're right to let them be part of his day and the onus is not on you to be a delivery service. If it were me I'd want to draw his attention to all the difficulties it presents and ask him to find solutions to all those things prior to your agreeing to let them go i.e. who will look after them, who will accompany them to the loo, who will make sure they eat/don't run off/get bored/have hysterics/put them to bed when they need to. Who will help them if they get upset? Who will pick them up/drop them off? How will he be telling them what is going on/why he is doing this? Will there be other children there? Who is doing their dresses etc.
Once he has demonstrated that he has planned properly for their attendance and their welfare then I'd acquiesce. Not before. Good luck

And kudos to you Juells! That was a very interesting story. What a bullet you dodged. What a wanker!

He needs to come pick up his DDs and drive them back. IMO it’s fine for his sister to supervise duringthe ceremony but he should show hos DDs that they still come first by picking them up himself.
It is also setting a precedent for future contact.

Because the day will likely be confusing and emotional for the DD's then in that instance I would do the drop and pick up. And have something great planned for the afternoon like a pet farm or other outing that you know they'll love to do with you. You get to minimise the impact of a difficult day for your DD's, and they get their wedding props which is all they seem to be concerned with.

^ And everything else Miggledey says. It will be confusing, possibly even upsetting for the DDs, minimise impact for them (short stay, something enjoyable to do after with you). Same goes for you.

And

So what I would do is this, get him to confirm that his sister is looking after the girls and then leave him out of the loop, making your arrangements directly with her. Then arrange that a friend or sibling goes with you to WeddingTown, you drop off the children go do lunch or whatever then friend goes into the reception to collect them meaning you don't have to and are spared lots of twatty relatives loving the drama of the spurned ex on the scene to collect the kids.

Great plan Miggledey.

If I was his Mum I'd be embarrassed attending a wedding after a 6 month relationship which clearly came out of an affair...

I think quite a lot of the guests will be thinking the same tbh.

I completely understand why you want to keep them in the same school after their dad leaving and moving house - that’s a lot of change. Their father bloody well owes them the life he promised so he absolutely should support them, but if you are able to afford what you need for them without him you won’t have to engage with the twat as much.

Sometimes in these situations anything short of bending over backwards and covering for crap behaviour is seen as coming from a place of wanting to punish the ex. It’s a very tricky balance facilitating a relationship with their father unprejudiced by your own feelings when the honest answer to many questions are going to be ‘because he’s a selfish twat’.

My dad cheated on my mum throughout our childhood. If he had actually left and tried to marry 1 of these women- from the age of say 10 when it all became clear to me, wild horses wouldn't have dragged me to their wedding and I'd never have wanted any subsequent relationship with my "step mother". Luckily enough he didn't want to marry any of them so I never had to endure this.

I am appalled at your Ex and have a similar father who I am now very LC with. I was made to go to 2 of his weddings as a child and have refused as an adult.

I would go away with your daughters for a family weekend.

And then get a good lawyer and get everything those girls are entitled to. Never let him play Lord Bountiful with the school fees or maintenance again. If you choose to do without, it is one thing but choosing that for your daughters is quite another.

If it’s 50 miles away perhaps ex would like to have them overnight then he and his mum can dress them and take them to the wedding. Then bring them back to you preferably the day after the wedding 💐

Sounds like your SIL can be trusted to look after them, and if you're happy to spend the day in the town where they're getting married then at least you'll be on hand if the girls need you, which I'm fairly sure they're going to, or at least DD2.

But you still shouldn't have to go to the fucking reception to pick them up - surely your SIL can see that? If you still have a decent relationship with her, then can you talk to her directly? Obviously your dick ex isn't going to help you out - he can't even be bothered to talk directly to you, probably because he knows he's been an utter dick - but if your SIL is still communicating well with you then she might bring them out of the reception to a nearby meeting place to save you having to go to the actual reception. Assuming it's not in the middle of a field or anything.

I think you're being very good about it all but I can't help hoping one of your DDs throws up on the bride's dress...

I think CardinalCat has a good plan there - it would also mean your DC didn't have to listen to sickly speeches whitewashing the whole relationship.

Or - the nasty part of me - would book a long weekend for the three of you, and text him the night before the wedding to say, 'sorry, we had a better offer - you know how that feels!'

You sound like an amazing Mum.

If the girls are happy and comfortable to go, and if there is really (REALLY?!) no other way of someone else in the circle of friends driving them; I suggest that you cover your ego. Get a stunning looking male escort, buy the most amazing outfit for yourself - get hair done etc and drop them off. Giggling and laughing with the other guy.

If you don't take this situation into your own hands and make it positive for you it's probably not worth the hurt.

"He needs to come pick up his DDs and drive them back. IMO it’s fine for his sister to supervise duringthe ceremony but he should show hos DDs that they still come first by picking them up himself."

I think his actions so far have established that he doesn't consider his DDs to come first at all...

I’m a massive pushover, anything for an easy life of no confrontation! But I’d second comments about the well-being of girls going to their dads wedding. It’s a lot to happen in six months. I don’t really think it would be of benefit to them. It would be very different if your ex and new fiancé had been together (after you’d split) for a good few years and children had built up a relationship with her. Then I would definitely say, yes they should go. There’s plenty of other ways you can show your willingness to facilitate a good relationship between them and your Ex that isn’t this. Also think about yourself and your mental well being! I’d just lie and say you have already planned a weekend away for your birthday (cause I’d be too scared to tell it like it is!). They won’t remember a happy wedding in the future, but they would remember an unhappy one.

I can't help hoping one of your DDs throws up on the bride's dress...

After all, if she's so desperate to marry a bloke with kids it won't hurt to get in some early practice with the nitty-gritty parenting jobs, eh?

The only people that are important here are your daughters. You should do what's best for them. Obviously you're important too and he's a massive dickhead, but think about your girls. Will they be looked after, can you assure them that they will have a lovely time?