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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No proposal for 12 yrs, now marrying someone else!

783 replies

fikit · 16/05/2018 00:35

I have no idea what to do.

In short - I was with my ex partner for 12 years, through university, graduate careers etc. We have two DDs together.

Didn’t worry too much about marriage before children - after DD2 was born, we talked about it and he told me that he wasn’t ‘keen’ on the idea of marriage - rolled out the old ‘piece of paper to show how much I love you’ line and I was a little hurt that I’d miss out on a celebration and all the vows, and the looking down the aisle but, but I decided not to push it. We had a great relationship, two beautiful daughters, a house I adored and in the scope of things, my happiness wasn’t contingent on marriage.

We split last year after his affair with his now fiancé. Went from me, to her, to engaged to her in six months. They are getting married in July (day before my birthday) and want my DDs there.

I am not invited (obviously) but his mother has asked that I drop off the girls in the morning and pick them up from the reception?! She doesn’t drive otherwise she’d ‘do it herself to avoid any upset(?!)’ as XP really wants the girls there. As horrendously hurt as I am about the wedding, this is very much the proverbial straw on the proverbial camel.

AIBU to be completely WTF about this? Also - what do I do? I don’t want the girls there as this whole thing is destroying me, but he is their father.

Sorry for the long post, but help, please.

OP posts:
cordeliavorkosigan · 16/05/2018 12:13

Don't get into a mode where your XP can ask for unreasonable things that are completely not convenient for you or sensible for your DDs and you think you kind of have to do it to protect the school fees.

Original poster
fikit · 16/05/2018 12:13

And no. He works to a 48hr-2week window for text responses so I’m not concerned yet.

OP posts:
cordeliavorkosigan · 16/05/2018 12:14

(highly doubt any school is worth that, TBH)

MatildaTheCat · 16/05/2018 12:14

I’d be quite concerned about the welfare of the DC on the wedding day. Their father clearly isn’t going to be looking after them and there are so many ways in which they could be upset or overlooked. I would only agree if there is one nominated person to care for them and chaperone them for the whole day. Obviously someone they know and love. Not a succession of people ‘keeping and eye on them’.

Otherwise I would consider dressing up as Miss Haversham and staying for the entire proceedings with a faintly mad look in my eye ( and get in all the photographs obviously).

KateGrey · 16/05/2018 12:15

He sounds like an entitled, jumped up little bastard. He’s chosen to have two children and now he has to parent. He cheated and left and is now marrying OW and your expected to what become his staff? Is this was the other way not a chance he’d help. You’re not saying no to the wedding but it’s up to him as their parent too to sort arrangements out. He can’t pick and chose. And his mother facilitating him by contacting you is why we have so many entitled man children around who treat their wives/partners like shit. He needs to step up!

You btw sound lovely. And I’m sorry you ended up with such a dick for an ex.

MatildaTheCat · 16/05/2018 12:18

Cross posted re your reliable SIL. He needs to persuade her to fetch the girls and keep them overnight. She does sound nice, have you spoken to her? Better than communicating with an emotionally stunted gorilla.

Original poster
fikit · 16/05/2018 12:18

The Miss Havisham comment gave me a good snort, so thank you. Have had friends also suggest Mrs Rochester from Jane Eyre.

OP posts:
Queenoftheblitz · 16/05/2018 12:21

If private school is non negotiable and he is likely to withdraw payment if you don't fall in with his demands, then you really have set yourself up to be treated like shit for a very long time.

I admire your devotion to your DDs but do remember they will grow up witnessing this geisha like behaviour - you are their main female role model.
When they're older I hope they don't resent the sacrifices you made on their behalf - it can be a lot to live up to.

Lizzie48 · 16/05/2018 12:25

That does make it sound more doable tbf, his sister sounds like a lovely auntie and your DDs know her very well. And they'll have their cousins there, so it could work. If I was in your shoes, I probably would take them there, but taking a friend with me for moral support. At least that way I would know they were okay.

You're definitely allowed to have a whinge. Thanks

Spaghettijumper · 16/05/2018 12:26

Could you ever imagine a situation in which a mother refused to marry for 12 years then fucked off with someone else, then expected the father to bring the children to the wedding, with no thought given to how they would be looked after?

He's trying to rewrite history by acting as if he's a single man with no children. His children are his responsibility, you are in no way required to act as his servant, providing the children when he wants them.

Where do these men get off? They seem to genuinely believe that women are just there to serve them and their important lives.

He left you. He does not get to you use you any more.

Original poster
fikit · 16/05/2018 12:27

Re: his paying the school fees - this is only for another few months (c. End of this year) until I’m in a position to pay them myself.

OP posts:
Trinity66 · 16/05/2018 12:30

I have no advice but just wanted to give my support, the whole situation must be very upsetting for you, understandably so, you sound like a very nice person though, his loss. The best revenge is to be happy Grin

causeimunderyourspell · 16/05/2018 12:32

That's fucked up and horrible for your dc!! How does he think they will feel watching their dad marry someone else when the split was so recent?! Fucking hell. Obv tell them to rod off, you're all going away for your bday Wink

soggydigestive · 16/05/2018 12:35

One option that may be worth considering OP is to drop them and collect them for the minimum amount of time, for example just an hour or two so that they can go to the ceremony itself, while you have a coffee or wander round or something, and then take them home. You could get a relative of his to collect/drop them to an agreed destination near the venue. Then they will have technically gone but for no longer than is necessary.
Make sure you fix yourself up something nice for your birthday and buy yourself a gift Flowers You sound great and in the long term you and your dcs will be better off without this insensitive uncaring arsehole.

soggydigestive · 16/05/2018 12:36

Why on earth shouldn't you let him pay the school fees Shock don't be a martyr OP. If you can pay it yourself, just put that money by in case you need it, and let him keep paying. They are his children.

LoveInTokyo · 16/05/2018 12:38

It’s funny (OK, not funny, very sad actually) that he is so concerned about the role your daughters will play at his wedding and doesn’t seem to be worried about what role he will play at theirs.

If my father had left my mother for another woman and then let her raise us in a one bedroom flat and work her fingers to the bone to keep us in private school when he could have afforded to pay for the school fees and help provide us with an adequately sized house, I would be pretty disgusted with him and wouldn’t be invited to my wedding, let alone allowed to make a speech or walk me down the aisle.

Original poster
fikit · 16/05/2018 12:40

Also having a giggle at the comments re turning up with a good looking man in a slinky dress. A couple of good friends of mine have offered to take me but declined gently due to (a) not keen on confusing/upsetting the girls for pettyness (as funny as it would be) and (b) my bum has not seen either a propert gym workout or my slinky black dresses in quite a while. Not sure the effect would be quite the same. Wink

OP posts:
QueenOfIce · 16/05/2018 12:40

Aren't you on a spectacular holiday with your girls then?

Suresurelah · 16/05/2018 12:41

Well as soon as the next few months have finished then I would contact CSA. If you want to put the funds in trust then that’s your prerogative. However, I wouldn’t rely on ex—twat—to do this.

May I ask, why can’t he have the children the night before the wedding? Why have you been asked to drop them at the venue?

Like I’ve said before. He needs to sort the arrangements.

He’s not your monkey and it’s not your circus.

Mintychoc1 · 16/05/2018 12:41

I wouldn't let them go at all. Their lives have been turned upside down in a very short space of time, it's way too soon for them to watch their father marry someone else. If he wants his daughters at his wedding, he should postpone it for a couple of years.

Mrsmadevans · 16/05/2018 12:47

I am so sorry you are going through this OP . I hope the sister will come up trumps for you and your DDS and I so wish you well in the future. You don't deserve this treatment, no one does Flowers.

Original poster
fikit · 16/05/2018 12:49

Re fees again - I will take the fees on as I don’t want him holding this over my head. I don’t want him to withdraw funding suddenly, or to be on eggshells around him in case he stops the funding. If finances are dire, I will take the decision to take them out at a time that is suitable, when I have found a good alternative, and am happy that their lives and schooling would not be disrupted. I went to both private and state and will wax lyrical about the merits of a good school in either sphere, but while they are settled after a fairly tumultuous year and a half, I want them to stay.

OP posts:
Luckyme2 · 16/05/2018 12:57

I just think that as their dad if it's important to him to have them there then he needs to make arrangements. That includes transport and caring for them during the day. They are his children! Can you imagine a situation where you were hosting a gigantic party and didn't take any interest in who was looking after the children? I strongly suspect that it's important to his mum and sister that they're there. Keeping up appearances so to speak. If it was important to him he'd be jumping through hoops to assure you that they won't be ignored while he has a good jolly with his new wife and mates!

kateandme · 16/05/2018 12:57

you sound like a wonderful thoughtful mum.i haven't been able to read all the pages.i know lazy of me.but wanted to jump on.
if your girls want to go id need to know he would be able to be there for them completely and he doesn't sound like he does.emotionaly too.even if his sister is the best at caring for them they will feel it if daddy seems to be ignoring them or not making them part of the day because of his new family/wife.
have you talked it through with him?
im sorry this is happening.its sounds really pulling on your emotions too.
I know you cant go back now.but remember this is nothing you did.hes married now because I wreckon this new woman has taught him he cant not...and it was marry me or leave.
you've still got a future though.you could still meet the man who cant wait to propose.dont lose out on that because you weren't treated right first time round.
do you feel the girls will be ok going.
I think going and spending the day there sounds lovely for you too.just make sure you pamper and take care of yourself.
talk to your girls.make them feel really cherished and that there shall be a plan around them to make it ok for them.and your dd that feels you feeling might need a little reassurance that allhthough mummy feels a little hurt its only natural when mum and dad go on to do diffent things.like losing a friend almost its a big change.becasue I bet If she is feeling it shell be really confused.and wont want to upset either of you.
maybe you could go out for tea after.or fetch them get pizzas in and have movie night? make sure thee is the space for any feeling before and after.but obviously don't focus on it toooooo much because they are so young it could just be seen as a fun day out,end of no other deeper meaning to it.
take care.im sorry its not your day.
I had visions of you turning up at the end of the church in your stunning wedding dress make smeared over your face
vicar "does anyone no of any reason these two should not be married."
you "you didn't marry me you *astard why not meeeeeeeeee"

lasttimeround · 16/05/2018 13:06

What an arse he is op. You are doing brilliantly. The day will come when with your whole heart you will be glad to be rid of him. I hope it's soon.
His sister sounds like a decent option in terms of looking after them at the wedding. I honestly cant see why they dont just plan a small additional tea at home so his very young children can celebrate their dad's marriage with comfort and support at an event that's about them without this stupid big wedding in well dodgy circumstances which really makes me wince for them. On top of that dad rushes off on honeymoon immediately. Who still does that?? Esp with small kids.

I imagine plenty if folk will have conflicting feelings at this wedding. Even if this ow was my pal and i didnt know you i eould hate to ho to her wedding with fogmer partners 2 very young children. Ugh what do you even say at the speeches?? Uh.. they met when... theyre decent people... err... yuk...grim grim grim