No proposal for 12 yrs, now marrying someone else!

[fikit]

I have no idea what to do.

In short - I was with my ex partner for 12 years, through university, graduate careers etc. We have two DDs together.

Didn’t worry too much about marriage before children - after DD2 was born, we talked about it and he told me that he wasn’t ‘keen’ on the idea of marriage - rolled out the old ‘piece of paper to show how much I love you’ line and I was a little hurt that I’d miss out on a celebration and all the vows, and the looking down the aisle but, but I decided not to push it. We had a great relationship, two beautiful daughters, a house I adored and in the scope of things, my happiness wasn’t contingent on marriage.

We split last year after his affair with his now fiancé. Went from me, to her, to engaged to her in six months. They are getting married in July (day before my birthday) and want my DDs there.

I am not invited (obviously) but his mother has asked that I drop off the girls in the morning and pick them up from the reception?! She doesn’t drive otherwise she’d ‘do it herself to avoid any upset(?!)’ as XP really wants the girls there. As horrendously hurt as I am about the wedding, this is very much the proverbial straw on the proverbial camel.

AIBU to be completely WTF about this? Also - what do I do? I don’t want the girls there as this whole thing is destroying me, but he is their father.

Sorry for the long post, but help, please.

Detach yourself emotionally from the sentiment of the event, he's a proven arsehole 💐, you're well rid. I'm amazed any woman would be foolish enough to marry such a twat.
Just make sure all the logistics for the girls are tickety boo else don't agree.

Hi op, I just wanted to say that you're handling this with much more dignity than I would! I hope that your sorry excuse of an ex partner sorts out suitable transport for your girls. He sounds like such a selfish arsehole

Arrange for them to leave the fee-paying school and start in a state school from Sept...I wouldn't rely on ex paying the fees and it's much easier for them to change schools whilst so young.

My Dc are shy - well DD1 used to be others still can be - we worried ourselves silly about moving schools.

There were other delays but it was a huge concern for us - DH ended up working away in week and commuting back weekends. The big push to get us sorted was secondary deadline for eldest in end.

When we did move the nearer better schools nearest new house were full – so not ideal all round and yet the DC have not only coped but thrived – academically and socially. My Ds teacher thinks it helped him as he had to push himself forward a bit more and the girls didn’t blink.

I'd think about changing schools on a timetable to suit you and your girls rather than few years down the line finding him not paying and you racking up debt trying the legal route to enforce it.

I think the reply about about the wedding was perfect.

@Nofucks ..... errr have you posted on wrong thread?!

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that in your shoes I WOULD take them and bring them back. These are two little girls who have been through a huge upheaval in the last year. The younger one especially probably doesn't understand what's going on, and they are both trying to make sense of it all. They are going to be confused & tired. Their father is not putting them first (he's a dick btw). When it comes down to it, in your situation, I would want to take DDs there & back so at least they one parent around who gives a shit. They will want the stability and comfort and familiarity of their mum. I'd want to know they were okay throughout the journeys and throughout the day. The last thing they need is some random person taking them, adding even more uncertainty and worry in their little heads. At least with you around they will feel more secure.

I would however make is absolutely damn well clear that it's fuck all to do with them and definitely NOT a favour for them but completely and utterly for your daughters.

OP you're doing wonderfully. I'm so sorry you're in a shitty situation. It's sucks and he's nothing but a piece of shit to put your daughters through this, at least give them some time to adjust. He's an asshole.

You're right to allow them to go but to not facilitate it. Not allowing them to go would not be in their best interest and they may grow to love their stepmother and forever be resentful. It also wouldn't be looked on favourably from court. And ultimately if your goal is to get him to pay the fees for as long as possible then not allowing them to be a part of the wedding will alienate them from their dad to some extent. The further he gets from them the easier it will be to cut them off financially. That shouldn't be the case and it isn't right but it's true. This is not a decent man who can be relied on to do the right thing.

Who will even be at this wedding from his side? Are your mutual friends going? Or is it just a very small family do?

No. She does sound strong! She's saying about how she's going to get ahead in her job, inxreaxe hsd earning, be independent and how she'll be fine. she's going through a shit time of things and she's making the best of it. Yes her ex is a cock deserves itchy knob rot but i don't think there's anything wrong with saying she sounds strong

God so many typos. I can't get my head around this new phone

It’s hard to say if going is the best thing for them. If they will enjoy it - like the idea of being flower girls, there will be some cousins to run about with and a relative they are used to there for them at all times, then it might be ok.

They’re old enough to feel angry, upset and abandoned by their father, but not old enough to recognise their feelings and deal with them.

He is a real twat to put anyone before his children, and anyone who puts their own selfishness ahead of their children’s happiness isn’t someone I’d want to be in a relationship with.

Whatever you do, OP, I hope at the end of the wedding day you can forget it, and focus on a lovely birthday celebration that the 3 of you will enjoy.

I am absolutely horrified that your ex could be so cruel, he is obviously a narcissistic sociopath and as such, you have had a very lucky escape!

Be very careful, he has planned his wedding to be the day before your birthday on purpose, he wants every one of your birthdays to remind you of their wedding. He wants you to have to see the perfect wedding that he refused you, he wants to rub your face in it all. Then the slimy bstard will wish you a happy birthday! He is an abusive prck and I seriously hope they have a special place in hell for him and his future MRS! They are both beyond cruel!

Don't give him the satisfaction of hurting you any more! He is the scum of the earth and not worthy of the shit on your shoe!

I am so sorry OP, you and your tiny girls do not deserve this! They have shown an astonishing lack of empathy and cruelness not just to you but to your daughters too! Unfortunately, your girls are stuck with this narcissistic sociopath for a father. He can play Disney Dad for now but once they have babies together, your poor girls will be scapegoated and I bet their awful Stepmother won't want the reminder of his relationship with you coming to stay every other weekend.

Do you have a male friend or colleague that would be prepared to come with you to collect your girls? Or a relative? It would be best if you had a good looking male friend so that your ex will be mightily pissed off when he picks them up. It is about time he felt jealousy and realised what he has lost!

Well done on standing up to him! I wouldn't be surprised if your ex-refuses to pick your daughters up and blames you for refusing to facilitate their attendance/ provide transport. I don't think they actually want your girls there, they just want to hurt you in as cruel of a way as possible. They expect you to refuse to let the girls go so that when the wedding guests ask where they are, they can tell a sob story and make you out to be the cruel jealous ex. Either way, they think they win, they can bitch about you if the girls don't go and they get to rub your nose in their wedding if you agree to collect them.

You are definitely the winner here though! You have escaped from a cruel narcissistic sociopath (I would recommend reading Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft and reading up about narcissistic sociopaths) and have a bright future ahead of you.

They, on the other hand, are facing a trustless marriage! The saying 'when a man marries his mistress he creates a vacancy' is true in all senses. She will never be able to trust him and a marriage without trust is doomed from the start.

He's their father. If he wants them there he comes to get them. And looks after them for the weekend. He really should have thought about that before booking his honeymoon immediately after the wedding! If he can't look after them they stay with you. And he really should have the decency to be discussing this with you directly not through his mother. for you. He's a shit

Very very unreasonable for your ex to ask you to make these arrangements.

Ok he wants his dds there...fine let him organise it.

He should be arranging for girls to be collected and safely returned.

Explain it's your birthday and your friends have arranged a 'get together'.

You should not be expected to facilitate the smooth running of his wedding!

I'd genuinely be very worried about allowing such small children out of my sight for a whole day, relying on strangers to look after them.

I don't think it's fair to ask you to agree to this, for all sorts of reasons - the safety of the children, plus respect for your feelings. He really doesn't give a shit about your feelings, does he? Agree to this and you're confirming that your estimation of your own importance is the same as his - that you've been discarded, and your feelings don't matter.

Here's a little example from my life to dwell on. DD2 (12 at the time) was doing drama, and there was a little competition - very small, just between the members of the group. It was being held in a small room behind the local church. Knowing how small the room was, I told DD to be sure to tell ex that I'd be there, in case OW showed up. When I arrived I found ex, OW and her DD sitting in the front row, all three manspreading - the room was tiny, only ten chairs. I stood at the back by the door, fuming. Ex was collecting the DDs from school the following day, so I went to speak to him, and pointed out that they'd been told I was going to be there. The reply I got was "You're so unreasonable! OW wanted to support her. DD said you'd be 'looking in', we thought you'd be looking in through the window." 😐 This was nine o'clock on a November night. 😐 That really brought home to me that they thought I was absolutely nothing, just some poor thing that would be standing out in a church car park peering in through a window at the happy new family group. 🤣 I said "You're a fucking lunatic." and left, but it got things straight in my head - I'd foolishly still been hanging on to the idea that the years we'd spent together had left him with some respect for me, despite loads of proof to the contrary.

Anything you do to facilitate them will be taken as their due, because you are no longer important. The sooner you get your head around that the sooner you'll start protecting yourself and your feelings.

That's a very powerful post, Juells. The imagery of you lingering outside in the car park, looking in on them! Cheeky fucker!

Hit him with this.

1 - if he wants them there he has to abide by these set down rules which will be filed with solicitor.

• he must pick up and drop kids home by arranged times.

*no alcohol consumption as he is their guardian on the night not anyone else.

*children must be fed, entertained and not abandoned due to age.

*father is responsible for all wedding attire, dresses and flowers.

A friend did this in a very similar situation and the mum (who is the bad one in his case) was found drunk at her wedding and kids distraught and alone.

Let's just say courts ruled in his favour due to breach of rules and she's now divorced with another two kids by a man who she hates.

@WhingyNinja

The imagery of you lingering outside in the car park, looking in on them!

I laugh when I remember it now, but I'm glad it happened as it forced me to face reality. If you've been with someone for years you assume they see you as a human with equal rights to them, but they've moved on - and moved mentally on long before the pair of you split up.

I honestly think it's unreasonable to expect not to ever have to be in the same room as the OW when you are essentially coparents. Surely that can't be a rational expectation?

Fuck that, aren't you and the kids going on a break for your birthday? ;)

The kids are too young to care IMO!

I honestly think it's unreasonable to expect not to ever have to be in the same room as the OW when you are essentially coparents. Surely that can't be a rational expectation?

That has not been proposed by the OP. What is the issue is the required pick up and drop-off by the OP. On her birthday weekend. To her XDP's wedding.

@Juells

You're right, you would assume they still had some decency left. I'm glad you're able to laugh about it now

...50 miles away, so maybe a 2 hour round trip to collect them (assuming someone else is taking them).

Why are there so many selfish wankers in the world?

He didn’t feel the need to get married but wanted the life long commitment of children.

He cheated on his family and then left for the OW.

He now wants to get married- to a woman who was complicit in hurting his family unit.

They booked it over your birthday!!

They want the children there to give them a sense that what they have done is okay. To validate their vile behaviour.

He is holding you financially hostage over the paying of school fees!

These people are abusive.

The kids are young . It's probably not unreasonable for their father to want them at his wedding however without him communicating with you and demonstrating a cast iron plan for their welfare on that day I wouldn't send them .
Given the apparent speed of events the bride is either or will very soon be having her own baby I guess .
Plod on , be civil as I'm sure you have been .

Any reply from ExP yet, OP?

Wow.

Er wow.

I’m at work and on my lunch break and frankly stunned that so many of you are interested in my little 1am whinge! Thank you for all of your wonderful comments - will reply properly tonight but just for a couple of points that keep cropping up:

• his sister has about thirty children (all older) (exaggeration), and lived with us for a couple of weeks after DD1 was born and I was still recovering from quite a tricky birth. although we don’t talk much any more, she’s always offering to take the girls out on days out with their cousins and waves off any contribution I ever try to make, to which I am grateful, particularly as money was tight for me this past year. I don’t think I wrote it earlier (1am- forgive me) but his mother’s (can’t really call her MiL) text was a bit longer - effectively saying that I needed to drop the girls at the venue and sister would see that they were dressed up and sorted. Sister is v reliable and I will obviously confirm that she will look after them.

• the venue is in an area that we used to live before DDs. If I end going through with this, I’m happy to go back there for the day and wander round the old haunts - I wouldn’t want to be too far, especially if DD2 needs to leave.

• school fees are non-negotiable. The girls will not miss out on the upbringing they should have had, just because their father is a prat and got bored. I would rather go without until DD2 is blowing out the candles on her 18th. I had a privileged background because my parents sacrificed for it, and I can think of no greater gift for my daughters to do the same. Just a shame I didn’t pick a chap as solid as my Dad. Maybe next time :)

More later after work - please keep pinning things you think are important so I can reply properly.