No proposal for 12 yrs, now marrying someone else!

[fikit]

I have no idea what to do.

In short - I was with my ex partner for 12 years, through university, graduate careers etc. We have two DDs together.

Didn’t worry too much about marriage before children - after DD2 was born, we talked about it and he told me that he wasn’t ‘keen’ on the idea of marriage - rolled out the old ‘piece of paper to show how much I love you’ line and I was a little hurt that I’d miss out on a celebration and all the vows, and the looking down the aisle but, but I decided not to push it. We had a great relationship, two beautiful daughters, a house I adored and in the scope of things, my happiness wasn’t contingent on marriage.

We split last year after his affair with his now fiancé. Went from me, to her, to engaged to her in six months. They are getting married in July (day before my birthday) and want my DDs there.

I am not invited (obviously) but his mother has asked that I drop off the girls in the morning and pick them up from the reception?! She doesn’t drive otherwise she’d ‘do it herself to avoid any upset(?!)’ as XP really wants the girls there. As horrendously hurt as I am about the wedding, this is very much the proverbial straw on the proverbial camel.

AIBU to be completely WTF about this? Also - what do I do? I don’t want the girls there as this whole thing is destroying me, but he is their father.

Sorry for the long post, but help, please.

So sorry Op what a complete idiot your exdh is. Your are well and truly lucky to be shot of him!

What is your relationship with MIL like?

I would tell her that you are still reeling from the split, that you have no wish to cause difficulties in access between the girls and their Dad however hard it is for you but that going anywhere near the wedding or havjng anything to do with his wedding to another woman is just too painful for you and they will have to make their own atrangements.

No game playing a la MN soap opera /drama, just tell the truth . It is a powerful one.

for whatever you decide to do op

OP, I think what's happened is that the OW has seen that you've been with him 12 years and are leaving with virtually nothing and she's determined not to do the same thing, so has made sure she's married him pretty damn quickly. I'm sure his having some money didn't speed up her thinking time

Honestly, I think you're bonkers if you are planning to use child support payments to do anything other than support the children while they are children. Virtually nobody has a trust fund saved unless it's from a grandparent or there's absolutely tons of money going spare. There's absolutely no point in them having a poor childhood and a richer adulthood. That isn't what child support is for - it's for the here and now.

Glad you told him to sort out his children's transportation himself.

They should definitely go, but it's not your responsibility to arrange the logistics for them to attend. Your side is only to make sure they are available.

As for marriage, I'm sorry to say it's just another case of some men holding off marrying the good for now partner and then marrying, or having children with someone else. It's as if these man can't stand being alone.
I hope women still with these men read threads like this and wake up.

What a horrible man your xp sounds, having an affair and leaving his family - but he doesn’t speak to YOU? He can’t sort out his own children so that HE knows they’ll be looked after and happy on the wedding day. The girls are going to want their daddy and won’t understand why he can’t spend lots of time with them so he needs to make sure someone looks after them and makes sure they are happy and having a nice time. These are HIS responsibilities and he is a very poor excuse for a parent to not have done this. He needs to pick them up, they are his priority to ensure they feel safe and cared about on probably quite a confusing day for them. He sounds incredibly selfish OP, I would feel the same re them not being looked after etc you need to be reassured that your lovely girls are going to be with someone who will care for them all day.

Still incredulous that he doesn’t speak to you as if you’re in the wrong, and also he didn’t ensure you had enough to buy a decent sized property to house his kids and assurance for their school fees, he will know you can’t afford that yourself. Just what goes through the head of a man when he walks away from his family it’s like they relinquish all financial responsibility but still expect to see them whenever and make demands whilst the Mother takes on everything alone. Obviously there are men who don’t do this my first xh did it was like they didn’t exist or need clothes etc I had to fight to get them shoes and they were the cheapest crap the Boys refused to wear. Felt so sad for them, I’ve always made sure they have nice things - not the most expensive but decent nice clothes etc.

I hope you sort things out with your ex so you feel reassured about the kids welfare that day, and do not drive 200 miles to drop off and pick up, why should you!! I’d be around just in case they wanted to come home early but it’s up to him to organise this for them

I do agree that the DDs seem too young for this. It's nothing to do with objecting to the fact that the OP's ex is getting married, that's absolutely his choice and it's understandable that he would like to have his DDs there. But it's hard to see how it could possibly be in their best interests, especially where the 4 year old is concerned. The OP has said she's a little madam, chances are she'll be even more like that if she goes to the wedding.

I think the decision needs to be made on the basis of whether it's really workable and in the DDs' best interests. Which the OP seems to be doing.

They really are CFs though, expecting you to act as chauffeur for the day, after everything they've put you through.

seems really weird to have your children involved in a huge celebration of the very thing which has disrupted their reality

This. In the ops situation, I wouldn't let them go.

I would do the following:

1. Speak to ex and tell him they will not be going. No arguing or engaging, just repeat.
2. Book a holiday/break for that weekend.
3. Arrange for them to leave the fee-paying school and start in a state school from Sept...I wouldn't rely on ex paying the fees and it's much easier for them to change schools whilst so young.

3. Arrange for them to leave the fee-paying school and start in a state school from Sept...I wouldn't rely on ex paying the fees and it's much easier for them to change schools whilst so young.

I agree with secret on this point. You really need to distance yourself financially from this tosser.

I was at a wedding last week, there were lots of small kids, they were being looked after by their parents, & it was a full time job! they were hyper, & running around. the venue was next to a river.
I watched as a 18 month old wandered off towards it, & thought can I run in these heels? was ready to stop child before it got to the water. Fortunately the father caught up with him before I needed to make a dash
When we arrived there were already the 4-6 year olds that were miserable & crying as they had got up early for the preparations & getting to venue.
Then there were lots of sweets & junk given to them to keep them quiet. most of them were taken home at about 7pm as organised previously.

Your girls will need a lot of surveillance, people to take them to the loo, people watching over them 100% of the time, people to calm them down, feed & water them before the melt down.
Insist he finds a BABYSITTER, someone who is paid to look after them all day. You can not & will not rely on his sister.
As for you doing the taxi, well actually you can't afford it can you ? After all he doesn't pay anything towards their maitainance. (school is not new shoes/petrol/electricity bill.)
He must collect them the day before, look after them in the evening, get them ready in the morning, & find an appropriate solution for the evening, like, babysitter takes them back to hotel until grandmother comes back.

Honestly, I think you're bonkers if you are planning to use child support payments to do anything other than support the children while they are children. Virtually nobody has a trust fund saved unless it's from a grandparent or there's absolutely tons of money going spare. There's absolutely no point in them having a poor childhood and a richer adulthood. That isn't what child support is for - it's for the here and now.

I agree totally with this. He is not paying you maintenance he is putting his money into savings for his kids (something he should be doing anyway) The kids will be adults when they get it and as adults they can work and earn for themselves. Surely better for you to spend the money on thwir childhood. He should be paying maintenance AND saving for his girls if he is that wealthy.

Wow OP, my heart aches for you in this awful situation
If it was me, I’d see if my DDs truly wanted to go. They will be there alone, probably not being supervised to the extent that a mother would. Watching their dad all dressed up marrying a woman they barely know, without their mummy there. I think this would be incredibly hard for them, their dad is going to be preoccupied all day, so will barely see them. I can’t imagine the blushing bride will pay very much attention to them either.
That’s just what I imagine from a child’s pov. How are you going to feel if you collect them from the reception? Will you have to go into the venue? In front of that dickhead and ow’s family? Would it not be upsetting to see him as a groom when you were together for 12 years? You’ve only been separated for 1 year, I can imagine that it would be very difficult for you as well as your 2 little girls.
If it was me, I would politely (or not so politely) decline. Not to be bitter or spiteful, but because of the possible upset it would cause the girls. He can see them before/after. Why not at the rehearsal if they’re having one? Less people, and not as long. If he is genuinely a good father (albeit a shitty, shitty person) then he would want to put his daughters feelings above his own desire to have them at his wedding.
You’ve been incredibly composed and brave, and he didn’t deserve you.
Whatever you decide to do, make sure it’s what’s best for you and your DDs. Fuck everyone else. He wasn’t thinking of your feelings when he left and proposed to this woman and after 2 minutes. Don’t extend him the same courtesy if it will impact your girls negatively.

I think the day wont be nice for the girls- but that is a part of their dad making a choice for them. Not you. This will be a foundation stone in those girls relationship with their dad and step mum and the happy couple will reap what they sow.
I don't want to be cruel to you, but I think having read your post on how the family home was originally funded, that he and his family never saw you as the long term life partner, and neither do they see you 3 as important people.
If the girls were important to their paternal grandparents, this sort of wedding transport request would not have been made but also the GPs would have made sure you had a decent amount of funding for a home for them and or for school fees, instead when the marriage ended they took funding they weren't using back rather than give it to you or their son (so he could leave you with more money) thus leaving their grandchildren to live in much reduced circumstances.
I have known at least 2 sets of grandparents do the exact opposite of what your ILs did, and neither at the time was close to the ex-partner involved, but wanted what was best for the grand children.
Do not save money for uni, you girls may not want to go to uni, they may get tuition or funding from a range of sources, their dad may yet pay. Use that money to give them a good life now, the life they knew and experienced and are actually entitled to.

Your ex partner's mother probably wants the show of the girls being there, but neither she nor he are making any effort to get them there and they have no intention of doing so.
You showing up to collect them was to be the picture perfect way for your MIL to show her friends and family that everything has turned out nicely and everyone is amicable.
It is not nice, it isn't amicable and you are not OK with him doing this.
So do nothing to show that you are but most importantly, please before this honeymoon baby arrives, and there will be one, get a decent lawyer and shore up your daughters financial security and home because he owes them that.

sorry I meant when the relationship not marriage

If it is important to their Dad to have them there, then he should be working out how to make it happen which involves having the courage to pick up the phone and call you. Asking his Mum to arrange it with you is very childish.

If he had to decency to pick up the phone and have a conversation with you and ask you nicely then I could understand why you would say yes, and do the driving, but if he can't manage that then no, you shouldn't drive them anywhere for his wedding.

What's the answer? Not sure except to tell his Mum you had birthday plans with the girls. Why should you drive over 100 miles to get the kids to his wedding?

I don't actually think it is important that your DD's attend their cheating father's wedding to his OW. Personally as an adult, I would be horrified that my mother played along and sent me as a child who didn't know what on earth was going on. The marriage is for them and their friends and family to celebrate their love for each other, they didn't care when they turned your DD's lives upside down with aftereffects that will last a lifetime.

I never attended either of my parent's weddings (no cheating involved) when they both remarried when I was still a young child. That has never bothered me, their utter hatred of each other has.

I would refuse to let your ex use his DD's as pretty ornaments in this way. As a guest at his wedding, it would leave me with a bad taste in my mouth to see the little girls that the bride and groom both let down and caused immense hurt to, being paraded around.

If you are going to worry about him cutting off the school fees if you won't facilitate his frankly outrageous requests, then where will it end?

Can you not get the school fees drawn up in a legal document?

Your ex should have his kids for the night! Say if you want them there its fine- but im out so you`ll have to have them all night. What would he do if it was the other way round? Sorry you were with such a shit for so long :(

Agree with others it is the ex’s responsibility to sort out transport and childcare for the day.

I’d tell him he can come and pick them up on the morning of the wedding and he’s responsible (or his sister or mother) for getting them into their fancy flower girl dresses and sorting out hair etc. You really shouldn’t have to do any of that nonsense.

Not your problem his mother doesn’t drive. She’s got a bloody cheek asking you.

I think you’re right and you don’t have to do any of the transport on the day.

They are so young and will need a family member to look after them properly throughout the event. Has it not been offered they stay with their grandparents for the weekend and their father's family look after them (I would think this should be the minimum!)? Are they close to them emotionally? They surely can't be expected to just show up, perform, then be picked up late in the evening for a long car journey home? It should be a properly inclusive event for them, and about them - not just to look pretty and present for the photographer. They will get bored, tired, and emotional. Who will they want to turn to? Who will you be comfortable for them to turn to? If it was me, and the above was not the case, then I would want to be there for them in person and to cuddle them and bring them home afterwards.
Do you have family or a good friend who would drive you and your girls there & back? So you can remain a bit distant and deal with your own emotions on the day/go out for dinner with someone while the girls are at the event?
If I was near and available, I would take you. I can understand it would be positive for the girls to be at their dad's wedding but it needs to be focussed on the children's needs and it sounds as though that is not his/his family's priority? So, talk to them politely but firmly and if the children will not be cared for properly and as you would wish, you have no choice but for them to not go.

"That has never bothered me, their utter hatred of each other has."

:(

I know I've already said play the long game but sometimes it's hard to see the long game isn't it?

My MIL played nice with my FIL for years - way too long. Eventually she exploded in bitterness - too late. It meant she got less sympathy and got more screwed up. It's taken her till now to get over something she could have got over 35 years ago if she'd stood up for herself at the time.

Just wanted to let you know you are not alone

Pretty much been in the exact same situation.. 13 years together, not interested in marriage, affair and married inside a year

Luckily the stupid arse didn't even try to invite DC. Personally I think he was too ashamed.

Oh OP, for what it's worth, I think you sound wonderful. It's shitty that this has happened to you and sadly, it's an age-old story.

I had similar where my ex-husband was getting married and he was insistent that I drop our son off to him on the morning. He wouldn't have it that I dropped him off to my ex-in-laws, it had to be to him. I'm convinced it was that he wanted me to see him, surrounded by wedding stuff, such as flowers, the marquee (he was getting married on the farm his financee's family owned) and so on. It wasn't pleasant, but actually, it just needed to be done in the interests of keeping everything civil and showing my son that I was fine with the wedding.

Interestingly, a little while later, I also remarried and he WANTED to bring my son over to me on the day of the wedding. I politely declined.

Actually I would transport them too and from. Not for him but just for them. They are very young. There's a lot of general chaos and milling around at weddings with people I bet you won't know from Adam. I'd also want utter reassurance that both girls will be chaperoned during the day by ex MIL including too and from the loos, in and around the venue. If it was me, and I couldn't be assured of this totally, they wouldn't go.

Can I just call out @Mix56's post? Just to make sure you've read it? Does his sister have children? Or has she ever looked after them for a day? Asking her to be an unpaid babysitter at a wedding is a BIG ask. He won't be anywhere near them - the OW will want "her" day and will, I imagine, only be interested in these little ones for the pictures. This is a disaster waiting to happen. The getting to and getting home from are the least of it.

Could you arrange to be somewhere close by at his expense and have the children dropped to you there? That way you're not having to go to the venue but on hand if they (particularly your 4 year old, who sounds like my four year old) need to be extricated quickly.

I feel for you OP, you're in a bloody awful situation that you're handling beautifully, but it's those poor wee girls I feel sorry for. Awful to have that kind of day with no-one there just for them .

I disagree with posters that have said you sound like a pushover, I actually think you sound incredibly strong, level headed and determined. The house being sold and his parents getting their money back makes perfect sense and although it's not ideal living in a 1 bed for a while, it's your home, your space for you and the girls and your security that you've been able to buy outright which, in a time where it's so hard to get on the property ladder is still something. I do of course think you should get him to pay maintenance too, I'm not saying you're "lucky" or anything so I hope it doesn't read like that. I'm just trying to say that you'll do just fine because you sound very strong and capable.