MIL from hell, bring popcorn... wtf do I do with her?

[LolaL]

Well... where do I start with this one.
I posted a few weeks ago under a different name about my MIL being very controlling -- changing curtains in mine and my fiances house when I went home to visit my family for a few days, expecting us to visit her 3-4 times per week at short notice and kicking off when we don't, rearranging my kitchen when I went to ride my horse, turning up CONSTANTLY... list is endless...

Anyway, my fiance and I are getting married in the summer. Due to my hobby (horses - high level competitions), the fact I run my own business and that I relocated fucking miles a considerable distance to be with my fiance last year, I don't get too spend too much time with friends/family. I've never been a party animal type, dad was an alcoholic so getting out of control smashed is absolutely not what I like to do - saying that, when I do see my friends, I do really enjoy myself.
Past two weekends, I've been away with my friends (hobby related and my hen party). My fiance kicked off both times, badly and completely ruined my weekends. We've been together for 4 years and this has never happened before so I was worried about him, worried there may be underlying issues he's not talked to me about, more concerned about him that upset about arguments as very uncharacteristic behaviour. He wouldn't open up to me so I made the decision, in confidence, to have a chat with his brother about his behaviour. I've known BIL for longer than my DP, actually used to work for him, so know him well enough to talk in confidence.I know my DP has a huge amount of respect for him, thought he may be able to shed some light on why he is behaving like this.
Whilst I was over at his having a chat, I received a text from my MIL asking how my weekend was (she chose not to come to my hen party). Signal is poor there and I didn't receive. After an hour of me not texting back, apparently feeling "concerned" she came over to our house, dp was there, looked upset so obvious we'd had an argument and asked him what had happen, he told her to mind her own business and she left. Then went to my stables, trying to find me.
She then called SIL (bil's wife) gossiping, did she know that I'd left dp!!! - SIL, sat next to me(!), told her that she didn't know where this had come from, she shouldn't jump to conclusions, stop getting involved in people's businesses, everything was fine.
Cutting an even longer story shorter, I ended up staying at BIL+SILs for a few hours, played with my niece in the garden and having a bbq there. Got a good insight into why DP is upset (work issues), got some really lovely advice from BIL and all happy.
MIL called again, this time to BIL, saying how she was going to call my mum apologising to her about my DP. BIL told her to stay out of this, DP and I are fine, and not to contact my mum?!
I came home, walked into the house and DP was on the phone... my mum had just called him, v upset, asking why our wedding is off.
I called mum back, she said MIL had been on the phone, told her I had "fled" to BIL's and called off the wedding... mum obviously very hurt. MiL had also told her some insane lies... SIL having an affair, my business wasn't working out and I wanted to sell my horses??
MIL also text SIL telling her she is taking her completely awful, WHITE dress she was planning on wearing to our wedding back.

Every couple has issues at points... DP has admitted he's wrong, come clean about work stresses and has completely apologised for ruining my weekends. Went to the drs this morning and they've diagnosed him with anxiety. So no excuse for his behaviour but at least we're getting somewhere with it. At no point did I want to call off the wedding/split up etc.

What on earth do I do with my MIL? I'm so upset that someone would interfere in my relationship like this, for no apparent gain at all. She's really upset my mum and even more upset that off the back of what she's said to them, my parents are questioning whether I'm making the right move marrying him despite him not putting a toe out of line in the 4 years we've been together, except from this.

Appreciate this is a bit of an essay and thank you to anyone who is still here at the end!

I also agree she could be the root of your dp's anxiety. My dh says he has never been happier since nc with his dm!!
Over 3 years and life is bliss!!

My batshit MIL had a stroke before my wedding, she even posted about it on FB, and yet she didn't seem to see any medical professionals about it...

Just change the locks on your doors - because chances are she will have made a copy of the key. She is your BMIL - BATSHIT!

She needs to know she is unwelcome at the wedding. Sounds like she is gaslighting you, which won't work as there are so many other people involved!

I didn't let her in, she let herself in, came around the back!!!

This is what I mean. You're underestimating her. (I don't mean this to sound like a criticism so apologies if it does. It's actually completely understandable as you're a normal person.) You're assuming she's like you and has boundaries like you - she hasn't.

I did ask her to leave and told her that it's completely unacceptable to turn up unannounced, especially during the day when I'm working

It's great that you confronted her. Next time, try to be more succinct. Adding the bit about "especially during the day when I'm working" weakens your point and makes it sound like it's generally fine for her to let herself in.

I think I would message her to tell her straight that it's completely unacceptable for her to let herself into your house. I would state specifically some of the things she has said and done, the lies she's told and the invasions of privacy and say that, because of this, she is no longer welcome in your house.

i know you have said you have spoken to venue etc but have you given enough detail.because if the mother of the groom phoned all sweetness and like I think the venue might still listen,do and share with the mother.so do you need to be more specific.just something tp be wary of. I can imagine her "oh no no don't worry im the grooms mum I can be told/give instructions" etc.
it might take a while for you dp to come to terms with this.because every stage of the way it will feel like a stab in the heart.because mother just aren't mean to be like this.itl feel like a loss and lead him probably to no want to face it or think its not true.and itl als I imagine make him angry and scared.this often come out to the ones we then loe the most.
just before the wedding.how will it work.is your mil going to have full access to him leading upto the event.is there any way bil or his sister could completely take you both out the way nc.so she cant be drip feeidng last minute wrecking ball poisons.

"showed me her phone and she had a text to my mum at 9.30pm on Sunday, "hi just thought i'd let you know the wedding is off and i'm heartbroken for your dd...." wtf!!"
This ^^
She sounds absolutely crackers! And stupid to boot.
Change your locks-because she probably has a copy of the key. If you do have to speak with her, challenge her on any bullshit she says to your face, to show her that you are not putting up with her meddling any longer. Someone else on an earlier thread also mentioned voicing your concerns about any future children you may have, being safe in her care. I agree with this. She sounds horrendously manipulative!

She told me that she hasn't told anyone the wedding is off, she didn't contact my mum... then said how lovely my mum has been to her... showed me her phone and she had a text to my mum at 9.30pm on Sunday, "hi just thought i'd let you know the wedding is off and i'm heartbroken for your dd...." wtf!!

So I take it you pointed out that that meant she lied when she denied telling anyone the wedding was off? How did she react?

@kateandme don't worry, I've told them what's happened (obviously a very condensed version!) and said that they're to contact us immediately if ANYONE calls. Luckily, I've been fairly discreet with plans of our wedding and the event planner at the venue is a gem. I spoke to the dress shop and they said they hear stuff like this all the time... maybe it's something in the water here!

Locksmith is next on my list.

Feeling so sad for my dp, must be so sad for him to come to terms with this...!

Also going to say you need to change the locks as she will certainly make a copy before she returns the one she has, if she hasn't already.

Change the locks, bolt them all from the inside as well when you're in (if you don't already have bolts, you absolutely need them)

Otherwise, whenever you have children (if you do) you'll be in the house breastfeeding your baby in your oldest slackest comfy clothes with your boobs out, and she'll just walk in on you. There's at least one thread on here, if not several, of boundary-less MILs doing this - so you might as well pre-empt it now! A few goes of her not being able to get in whenever she wants and she'll hopefully stop trying.

Good work on password protecting your venue and other wedding arrangements!

@GnotherGnu she started crying THEN said "well I won't be friends with your mother anymore."

So went completely off topic. I didn't even try to steer her back on because

1. I wanted to get her out of the house
2. I'm so, so shattered. Zero sleep and flu, not in the best frame of mind to be dealing with BMIL!

Even if you change the locks, assume she has cut a key. Get bolts. #bitterexperience

Wow ... hope your horses enjoyed their treats!

She sounds a lot like my mother. I think you’re going to need a lot more than new locks... How about some wooden stakes and some holy water? Perhaps an exorcist? She is batshit and she is a bully. You and your husband won’t miss her heavy pall hanging over your lives if you leave no forwarding address and change your phone numbers!

OP how did she react when you got engaged or moved in together?

My mum is a narcissist and had “breathing problems” at my engagement, was “too busy” in the kitchen at my 21st to even come out, and then behaved like the bride at my wedding. She was minding the pram with our son in it at his christening whilst we chatted to guests and then “forgot where she had left him.” All eyes must be on her. Arguments are met with incredulity and then volcanic rage which turns to tears and sobbing as soon as she thinks my dad is watching. We are low contact...

Just bizarre. She exposed her own lie when she denied telling your mother, then tried to imply it was your mother's fault? Seriously, it sounds as if she needs a full MH assessment.

Oh, OP I feel for you. Are our MILs twins?

On the plus side, your DP gets it and you have the support of family. You definitely did the right thing contacting the vendors- my MIL tried to change the room our ceremony was being held in the night before the wedding behind my back (totally outing, if you're reading MIL: hello and fuck you ). Luckily, our wedding coordinator knew she was batshit and ignored her.

You need to draw some very strong boundaries here to maintain your sense of self and what is normal. Obviously it was totally not your fault she let herself in to your house, but never be alone with her again. She will use the opportunity to try and bully and manipulate you. The FOG is real! You'll end up questioning yourself.

If she says she doesn't want to come, then she doesn't come. Mine did that, and ended up coming. It is one of my biggest regrets about the day.

Enjoy your wedding preparations- be kind to yourself and don't let her ruin everything for you

well I won't be friends with your mother anymore
I'm sure your mother will be gutted!

I’d look into that house move if I were you. (And I would tell her when you move that she is the reason you’re moving).

I am aghast at the level of batshit craziness this woman has.

I agree with PP’s that you and your DP need to talk to her together, but I’d let him initiate and lead the conversation, as it’s his mother and so his responsibility to stand up to her behaviour.

Get those locks changed ASAP.

Set boundaries with her and ensure you spell out the consequences of her not adhering to those boundaries. (So I’d maybe suggest telling her if she crosses any of those boundaries in future you will both have no contact with her again). This woman needs ultimatums and the fear of losing her son altogether. (Or rather the fear of losing any control of her son)

Ask BIL & SIL what methods they use to deal with her.

@justilou1 wooden stakes, holy water... and I've just lined the front porch with garlic

@itchyknees well, this is why I didn't pick up on things sooner... really well but overbearing... turning up constantly when we moved in, told me quite vicious things about SIL (and told SIL things about me) so we kept our distance, very much appeared "team Lola" about everything, she turned up at a one of my competitions once to "support me", checked in on fb there/wrote some bullshit status about it, then complained to my sil that her clothes smelt of horses... don't turn up to a horse competition then Satan... ! Looking back now, typical narcissistic behaviour... just can't believe how naive I was to it.

Moving is definitely on the cards. Not just because of her but because of my hobby/parental support when we have DCs.

Also, my parents are fun and normal, DP loves spending time with them... him and stepdad go to the pub, play snooker/golf etc together whereas his own DF lives in MIL's shadow and is too terrified (and thick, I think) to say boo to a goose.

Manly hugs for your DP.

well I won't be friends with your mother anymore

Is she 6?

Omg. I have been open mouthed reading this thread. For me, it's my SIL who is completely batshit crazy and an outrageous liar. Lies on a similar lever to your MIL and the wedding. Not even well thought out lies, but ones that put her in a position to get attention. She inherited this quality from my MIL (who is manipulative and plays the victim but in a much quieter and less obvious way) and developed it into an Olympian level skill.

I tried calling her out, as did DH and her other DB, but it just didn't work so we all went NC.

Contact with MIL is minimum. Whatsapp mainly.

We are at peace with this...

In your shoes, I would quietly retreat and not court her blatant attempts any further. Let it develop organically. She'll twist herself into knots...

Good luck.