MIL from hell, bring popcorn... wtf do I do with her?

[LolaL]

Well... where do I start with this one.
I posted a few weeks ago under a different name about my MIL being very controlling -- changing curtains in mine and my fiances house when I went home to visit my family for a few days, expecting us to visit her 3-4 times per week at short notice and kicking off when we don't, rearranging my kitchen when I went to ride my horse, turning up CONSTANTLY... list is endless...

Anyway, my fiance and I are getting married in the summer. Due to my hobby (horses - high level competitions), the fact I run my own business and that I relocated fucking miles a considerable distance to be with my fiance last year, I don't get too spend too much time with friends/family. I've never been a party animal type, dad was an alcoholic so getting out of control smashed is absolutely not what I like to do - saying that, when I do see my friends, I do really enjoy myself.
Past two weekends, I've been away with my friends (hobby related and my hen party). My fiance kicked off both times, badly and completely ruined my weekends. We've been together for 4 years and this has never happened before so I was worried about him, worried there may be underlying issues he's not talked to me about, more concerned about him that upset about arguments as very uncharacteristic behaviour. He wouldn't open up to me so I made the decision, in confidence, to have a chat with his brother about his behaviour. I've known BIL for longer than my DP, actually used to work for him, so know him well enough to talk in confidence.I know my DP has a huge amount of respect for him, thought he may be able to shed some light on why he is behaving like this.
Whilst I was over at his having a chat, I received a text from my MIL asking how my weekend was (she chose not to come to my hen party). Signal is poor there and I didn't receive. After an hour of me not texting back, apparently feeling "concerned" she came over to our house, dp was there, looked upset so obvious we'd had an argument and asked him what had happen, he told her to mind her own business and she left. Then went to my stables, trying to find me.
She then called SIL (bil's wife) gossiping, did she know that I'd left dp!!! - SIL, sat next to me(!), told her that she didn't know where this had come from, she shouldn't jump to conclusions, stop getting involved in people's businesses, everything was fine.
Cutting an even longer story shorter, I ended up staying at BIL+SILs for a few hours, played with my niece in the garden and having a bbq there. Got a good insight into why DP is upset (work issues), got some really lovely advice from BIL and all happy.
MIL called again, this time to BIL, saying how she was going to call my mum apologising to her about my DP. BIL told her to stay out of this, DP and I are fine, and not to contact my mum?!
I came home, walked into the house and DP was on the phone... my mum had just called him, v upset, asking why our wedding is off.
I called mum back, she said MIL had been on the phone, told her I had "fled" to BIL's and called off the wedding... mum obviously very hurt. MiL had also told her some insane lies... SIL having an affair, my business wasn't working out and I wanted to sell my horses??
MIL also text SIL telling her she is taking her completely awful, WHITE dress she was planning on wearing to our wedding back.

Every couple has issues at points... DP has admitted he's wrong, come clean about work stresses and has completely apologised for ruining my weekends. Went to the drs this morning and they've diagnosed him with anxiety. So no excuse for his behaviour but at least we're getting somewhere with it. At no point did I want to call off the wedding/split up etc.

What on earth do I do with my MIL? I'm so upset that someone would interfere in my relationship like this, for no apparent gain at all. She's really upset my mum and even more upset that off the back of what she's said to them, my parents are questioning whether I'm making the right move marrying him despite him not putting a toe out of line in the 4 years we've been together, except from this.

Appreciate this is a bit of an essay and thank you to anyone who is still here at the end!

Sorry, wrong post. Will ask MN to delete.

Thought I'd keep everyone in the loop - pp's tend to get quite invested on what happens!
Also need to vent......!!!
SIL called me last night to say that MIL had text, completely out of the blue, none of us have had any contact with her, saying she's returned the godawful dress, jacket and shoes she was due to wear to the wedding. SIL said that wasn't necessary, dp and I are ok, she's blown the entire thing out of proportion. In the next breath she asked if she could have DC after school for tea tomorrow!!! Obviously SIL said they were busy.

DP is very torn between the realisation of what his mum has been up to for so many years and the fact that she is his mum. He called her after work and confronted her, apparently she turned on the waterworks and said how "sad" she was. She admitted to him that she couldn't let go. From what DP said, it wasn't a nice conversation at all and he is very angry with her.

DP has got his anxiety and I'm really proud of him for even picking up the phone to her and having a difficult conversation. Apparently BIL has told her to back off hence why she hasn't been in touch with me apologising for telling the whole family that my wedding was off! (Think that's a bullshit excuse).

We definitely do need to sit down all together once DP is feeling a bit stronger but fx this is all a step in the right direction

Thanks so much to all the PP who have commented with understanding re dp's anxiety. I would have never have thought he would be the type to suffer with anything like that so has come as a huge shock to all of us. Reading through some info on the internet, I do believe his blow outs were a mixture of work stress, financial pressure (wedding!), and MIL and I do believe it's nothing to do with our relationship

She couldn't let go? Of the drama or of him?

The latter does not bode well.

Whichever way your poor dh has done well and doesn't deserve her games.

I think there is some hope if the 'not letting go thing' is true, though he reaction was truly OTT and disgraceful... she might just have to accept it after your marriage, and hopefully improve.

My MIL was not a fan of me until we got engaged - I did worry at some stages in our early relationship whether I could take a future with her in it, but decided it wasn't a reason to walk away.

Once she accepted I was going to be her DIL, she got much better about me. It's never all plain sailing with her, but it has got better over time.

Still, future MIL owes you the mother (no pun intended) of apologies for what she did.

I really do think the only answer is moving away from his mum. For his sake and yours. She sounds like a nightmarr

This woman has basically humiliated you publicly. She's taken a minor argument, of the kind that happens to most couples, exaggerated it, and told everyone she could think of that the wedding was off.

As someone who has actually had to cancel a wedding, I think I have an appreciation of how inherently awful it is to have to deal with something like this in public. It's embarrassing, humiliating, draining to have to explain over and over again something that is really, really personal. I know you're not in the same boat, but you presumably now have to clarify with friends and family what exactly is going on. I would drop her right in it, to be honest. She fully deserves a "I'm actually worried about her mental health, she seems to be delusional" line of attack.

I think she's realising that her awful, ridiculous, inappropriately Freudian relationship with your partner is over now he's getting married, and this is a kind of last-ditch, mad attempt at a kind of wish-fulfillment break-up for her.

Your DH needs help to deal with the legacy of her smothering, engulfing behaviour. Get him to counselling.

Good for your DP calling his mum. That must have been so hard for him. And so glad bil and sil are supportive of you both. Anxiety is awful so job, mum and wedding preps probably caused a perfect storm for him. I hope he feels better soon. I've been there and wouldn't wish 0n anyone

Your poor DP, but well done to him for standing up to the old cow. Hope he is getting help with the anxiety and the two of you can stick together.

She's sounds crazy, you all need to stand firm, expect much more dramatics as she w t be able to cope not being in control,

Im glad your DP is getting help for anxiety. It does manifest in strange ways, now you know the signs and how to help him.

Lets hope that future MIL has accepted and will back off...

Thanks so much for the supportive comments.

Despite his anxiety, DP is fully accepting of his actions. I'm not the sort at all to believe that grand gestures make things ok but he came home from work last night with a big bunch of flowers and some chocolates for me, (as well as carrots and polos for my horses!) AND he sent the loveliest message and flowers to my parents to apologise for hurting both them and me,. It doesn't make things ok but I thought that was lovely.

I've heard nothing from MIL since Sunday night.... out of the blue received a text from her asking if I was feeling better {have had a nasty cough since last week). No apology, no mention of any of the batshit things she's done, no mention of DP, nothing.

Absolutely delusional. Trying my hardest not to reply saying FUCK OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I really don’t get why you’re minimising what your fiancé did as “kicking off”. That is the same batshit crazy territory as his mother.

It’s good your dp is deciding to stand up against his mum.

Those texts though - that’s pretty manipulative. I’d be shocked to receive them. I’d be absolutely freaked out to receive hundreds. Think carefully.

I'm glad that your DP has phoned his mum - it can't have been nice but it was a conversation that needed to happen.
But.
He has to actually remember what she did, properly, and realise how close she came to fully destroying your relationship - if he starts to minimise her actions, and say "oh she meant well" or any such bollocks, remind him in full force that none of that is true. To have any chance at all of surviving someone like her, your DP has to be on YOUR side, not hers, and support YOU all the way.
Sliding back into any version of thinking "but it's mum she didn't mean it" is a bad sign.

So I strongly agree that it would be highly beneficial for him to have some counselling to help with his anxiety and to help him to see the manipulations that his mother is capable of.

I really hope the ignorant LTB parade on here never have to experience anxiety.

I had horrendous anxiety last year, I couldn't be left alone and would go crazy if my DH went anywhere without me. It could have come across as jealousy and possessiveness but thankfully my DH has a heart and knew me well enough to know something was seriously wrong.

I have no sought treatment and that behaviour is a distant memory.

I'm pleased your DP is getting help, dealing with this woman all his life has probably contributed. Wait until he is feeling better and then you really need to have discussions about how much involvement you want her to have in your future life, the last thing you want is to expose your children to this madness.

Good luck with everything OP and I hope you have a wonderful wedding

Thank you so much Gold and Thumb - Gold, so glad to hear that you're feeling better now, sounds like a very similar situation to DP. Can I ask what brought yours on and how long until you started to feel a bit better?

The anxiety might also have developed over time due to his mother’s narc behaviour. He is most likely in the FOG still and have developed his coping strategies through this entire life. I think he is doing incredibly well to stand up for her as for children of narc this is incredibly hard to do. You have been programmed to please them your entire life. An incredibly hard situation to break, it took me turning 40 and years of therapy to attempt to stand up for myself.

You can’t win with a person like her, you can never make her see sense. You can only learn how to distance yourselves to make it the most bearable. For us that has meant minimal contact rather than no contact at all for example.

I believe in your dh, he sounds strong and I’m sorry for the anxiety he suffers. That sounds awful. Please stand by him but be assertive with your own needs as well.

This sounds just like how my MIL behaved when she was alive, although she was as nice as pie to me until I'd actually married DH and became a threat. My MIL worked systematically to destroy each of her male children's marriages, by spreading lies and untruths about their wives . She managed to manipulate three out of her four sons to leave and come crawling home to her. She made allegations about me which DH knew to be untrue, so he never had much time for any of her vindictiveness. MIL had a narcassistic personality and was the most difficult person I have ever had to deal with. If you sit your MIL down to talk about the situation you need to know that she may utterly refute or refuse to listen to anything you say. My MIL totally failed to acknowledge how her behaviour impacted on others.

Sorry OP I haven't read all the replies.

Is DP an only child? Do you think mil is having an issue with him getting married generally, as in now the apron strings have to be cut. As it sounds like she is shit stirring in order to avoid a wedding from happening.

I think it is her suffering from anxiety as well. Although this isn't your problem to solve, it just sounds like the wedding has now caused some reaction in her.

Of course you cannot call the wedding off. It is your day and you cannot allow someone like this to be intervening in such a way.

I had a difficult mil so I do understand. Not one person in this world is good enough for her children in her opinion. Every single one of us son or daughter in laws have had a godawful time with her, slagging us off, being petty, accused me of neglecting my children, just absolutely bonkers things. I am divorced now, and I have not spoken one word to her since. She doesn't care as she has her boy back. She doesn't care about our children, just the fact that she has her son back, is what is important to her.

Right now, supporting your dp is your focus. Its not his fault his mother is doing this. And yes, it is probably a huge factor in why he is suffering with anxiety himself.

It is tough, and this is either going to make you or break you OP. I will be honest. So if you and DP don't stand firm together, she will get her bits and pieces of doubt in to him. So, you know there is an issue, but now you have to work forward to avoid it from becoming a constant issue all through your marriage. But you and your DP have to stand firm, together.

Good luck for the wedding.

@sunnymeg & @lndnmummy - thank you. Sounds very similar.

Just out of curiosity, what is FOG?

She just turned up at the house too. Completely denied everything, even calling my mum! So, so angry. I called DP at work in tears, just feeling so stressed with all of this and he completely got it, had my back.... thank god!

I didn't post about FOG so can't help I'm afraid. So glad your fiancee has your back, it makes all the difference.

oh wow! Now you need to get this sorted out big time. Her denial is very telling.

FOG - is Fear, Obligation, Guilt

Lndnmummy

Aha, classic narcissist behaviour. Stooopid woman. My mum is the same never acknowledges her actions. You can’t reason with people like her. She would only ever apologise if it suits her, she can’t actually feel concern for having hurt someone else. She can only feel for herself.
Try to be bright and breezy and minimise contact with her. She feeds off drama so don’t give her the opportunity. Emotionally and mentally disengage from her as much as you can.
FOG stands for fear,obligation and guilt and is often used to describe how children of narcissist have adapted their behaviours to suit the tyrann.

Don’t waste your time “to have it out with her”. It is not worth it. Just disengage as much as you can. If she refers to something outrageous just nod and smile almost patronisingly and say “oh you think”. Or “I see, that’s your view”.

Set your own boundaries as a family unit and stick to them.