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Original poster

MIL from hell, bring popcorn... wtf do I do with her?

334 replies

LolaL · 15/05/2018 11:39

Well... where do I start with this one.
I posted a few weeks ago under a different name about my MIL being very controlling -- changing curtains in mine and my fiances house when I went home to visit my family for a few days, expecting us to visit her 3-4 times per week at short notice and kicking off when we don't, rearranging my kitchen when I went to ride my horse, turning up CONSTANTLY... list is endless...

Anyway, my fiance and I are getting married in the summer. Due to my hobby (horses - high level competitions), the fact I run my own business and that I relocated fucking miles a considerable distance to be with my fiance last year, I don't get too spend too much time with friends/family. I've never been a party animal type, dad was an alcoholic so getting out of control smashed is absolutely not what I like to do - saying that, when I do see my friends, I do really enjoy myself.
Past two weekends, I've been away with my friends (hobby related and my hen party). My fiance kicked off both times, badly and completely ruined my weekends. We've been together for 4 years and this has never happened before so I was worried about him, worried there may be underlying issues he's not talked to me about, more concerned about him that upset about arguments as very uncharacteristic behaviour. He wouldn't open up to me so I made the decision, in confidence, to have a chat with his brother about his behaviour. I've known BIL for longer than my DP, actually used to work for him, so know him well enough to talk in confidence.I know my DP has a huge amount of respect for him, thought he may be able to shed some light on why he is behaving like this.
Whilst I was over at his having a chat, I received a text from my MIL asking how my weekend was (she chose not to come to my hen party). Signal is poor there and I didn't receive. After an hour of me not texting back, apparently feeling "concerned" she came over to our house, dp was there, looked upset so obvious we'd had an argument and asked him what had happen, he told her to mind her own business and she left. Then went to my stables, trying to find me.
She then called SIL (bil's wife) gossiping, did she know that I'd left dp!!! - SIL, sat next to me(!), told her that she didn't know where this had come from, she shouldn't jump to conclusions, stop getting involved in people's businesses, everything was fine.
Cutting an even longer story shorter, I ended up staying at BIL+SILs for a few hours, played with my niece in the garden and having a bbq there. Got a good insight into why DP is upset (work issues), got some really lovely advice from BIL and all happy.
MIL called again, this time to BIL, saying how she was going to call my mum apologising to her about my DP. BIL told her to stay out of this, DP and I are fine, and not to contact my mum?!
I came home, walked into the house and DP was on the phone... my mum had just called him, v upset, asking why our wedding is off.
I called mum back, she said MIL had been on the phone, told her I had "fled" to BIL's and called off the wedding... mum obviously very hurt. MiL had also told her some insane lies... SIL having an affair, my business wasn't working out and I wanted to sell my horses??
MIL also text SIL telling her she is taking her completely awful, WHITE dress she was planning on wearing to our wedding back.

Every couple has issues at points... DP has admitted he's wrong, come clean about work stresses and has completely apologised for ruining my weekends. Went to the drs this morning and they've diagnosed him with anxiety. So no excuse for his behaviour but at least we're getting somewhere with it. At no point did I want to call off the wedding/split up etc.

What on earth do I do with my MIL? I'm so upset that someone would interfere in my relationship like this, for no apparent gain at all. She's really upset my mum and even more upset that off the back of what she's said to them, my parents are questioning whether I'm making the right move marrying him despite him not putting a toe out of line in the 4 years we've been together, except from this.

Appreciate this is a bit of an essay and thank you to anyone who is still here at the end!

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 16/05/2018 12:07

I agree that there is absolutely no point in having any kind of discussion with your MIL to be.
You need to have the discussion and boundary setting with everyone else in the family, but there isn't any point in her being there because she will just derail and get upset, and fail to acknowledge the truth of any of it.

Bear in mind as well that once she notices her usual tactics aren't getting the usual results, the next step is a "health scare" - usually a heart thing, as they're quite ephemeral, but it could be as much as a cancer scare. Take nothing she says as true unless you get outside confirmation of it (not from her friends or family, obviously!)

Look up Narcissistic Personality Disorder - that should also explain FOG (fear, obligation, guilt - something that children of narc parents frequently suffer from) and should give insights into why your MIL behaves the way she does. It doesn't tell you how to help her though because you honestly can not help her at all. She is who she is - all you can do is manage how you and your DH respond to her.

Dobby1sAFreeElf · 16/05/2018 12:13

On a very facetious note I'd be tempted to tell mil the wedding is off so she doesn't show up and you can enjoy your day without whatever shit she's going to pull.

On a more serious note, please take the advice of getting the locks changed for a start.

thumb and ldn are giving very good advice of narcs and fog so I'll leave it in their more capable hands

jamoncrumpets · 16/05/2018 12:17

You've absolutely got to stop engaging with this woman. Don't answer texts. Don't even answer the door. Every time you let her in an inch she will see it as an opportunity to take a mile.

EspressoButler · 16/05/2018 12:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Loandbeholdagain · 16/05/2018 12:22

Just wanted to say in my relationship I am the one with the toxic family. Fear, obligation, guilt all ring true. Remember your DP loves you! He probably chose you subconsciously because you are better and different. But man, this is tough stuff. If he finds it hard, please don’t think it’s because he is sympathising or choosing them. He is experiencing utter fear. I’d guess the recent anxiety also has a bit of a link with his childhood. BUT he can and will find new ways of engaging with them and together you can set the rules. Good luck.

jamoncrumpets · 16/05/2018 12:22

She is never going to be reasonable. She might improve temporarily but she'll always slip back to old behaviours. She will not change. So you have to manage how you react to her, which is to NOT REACT.

My toxic MIL acted up horrifically on a family weekend away once, pulling everybody's strings and micro managing the whole experience until everybody was uptight and miserable. By Day 2 DH and I decided that we'd had enough and were leaving. We quietly packed our things that morning and left just as MIL was getting up for the day. We told her that we'd had enough and were going home. Watching her realise that she couldn't control us, and that we could walk away from her bullshit was very interesting indeed. Her whole face and body kind of crumpled into itself. And we left. Had a nice day out by ourselves. It was lovely.

TheIcon · 16/05/2018 12:23

@isthismylifenow

Not only have you not read the full thread, but you haven't actually read the first bloody post.

SandAndSea · 16/05/2018 12:30

Why did you answer the door?

You've had some really good advice here but I get the feeling that you're not quite ready to believe what you're dealing with. I know it's a process and you have to go at your own pace. It might help to re-read some of the posts above. Eg. @AttilaTheMeerkat 's advice. It might sound extreme to someone who is new to dealing with a narcissist but I think you could find it beneficial.

As for the wedding, do you really trust your mil to behave on the day?? I would think about uninviting her and/or eloping or cancelling the wedding. Ime, people like her don't curb their behaviour unless it is significantly in their interests to do so. At the moment, she has no reason to stop herself.

Nikephorus · 16/05/2018 12:38

You could do with getting everyone together to confront her, including your mum as confirmation of what she'd said to her, and completely call her out on her behaviour. Read her the riot act and make it totally clear in front of everyone (and with their full support) that if she tries anything again you'll be going NC with her. She's either a total shit-stirrer (very likely) or is utterly bonkers with serious memory issues. My money is on the first.

Meckity1 · 16/05/2018 12:47

Worst case scenario - please check she's not contacting anyone connecting with the wedding like the venue and caterers to cancel. Please ask them to put a password on the account, so that if someone rings up pretending to be you but don't know the password then it's safe. I've only really heard of stuff like that happening on the internet, but you never know. It's not particularly likely, but better safe than sorry. Good luck

SandAndSea · 16/05/2018 12:51

Read her the riot act and make it totally clear in front of everyone

Sadly, she'll probably love this. Lots of attention and drama - just what she likes. Also, you can't believe anything she says.

Original poster
LolaL · 16/05/2018 12:55

To pp's that have said about health scare - SIL actually said this! She has numerous health issues as it is but very much aware that she has used these in the past to gain control.

I didn't let her in, she let herself in, came around the back!!! I was upstairs working in the office. Bloody mental. Only knew she was there because I could hear her chatting to the dogs once inside the kitchen.

I did ask her to leave and told her that it's completely unacceptable to turn up unannounced, especially during the day when I'm working....

PP's are right though - there is absolutely no reasoning with her. Especially how she completely lies through her teeth. She told me that she hasn't told anyone the wedding is off, she didn't contact my mum... then said how lovely my mum has been to her... showed me her phone and she had a text to my mum at 9.30pm on Sunday, "hi just thought i'd let you know the wedding is off and i'm heartbroken for your dd...." wtf!!

OP posts:
itchyknees · 16/05/2018 12:56

I’m reading this in a really posh tea room, waiting for a client and have just said “fucking hell” really loudly!!!

OP, it’s no wonder your poor fella has anxiety, his mother is enough to crack anyone.

The weekend you were away, she effectively told him that if you and he split up, she would kill herself so he better not fuck it up, and what’s he doing letting you go away by yourself?! She’s a crafty one because she’s managed to set up you going away = being unfaithful = splitting up = she will die.

itchyknees · 16/05/2018 12:58

So no wonder he was climbing the walls when you weren’t there! She set that up. She is a STUDY of narcissism and as PP have said, the health crisis will be next, and I reckon some sort of bribery for you or he to split.

She’s weapons grade toxic.

Dobby1sAFreeElf · 16/05/2018 13:07

meckity has a good point. Quickly phone your wedding suppliers to check she hasn't cancelled anything.

JamPasty · 16/05/2018 13:09

as well as carrots and polos for my horses - ah, he's a good 'un!

I would bet my last biscuit that BMIL (batshit MIL) fed him a load of shit about you having a fling while away and he panicked. Yeah those texts are not good, and normally totally red flag territory, but with the anxiety diagnosis they totally sound like a symptom of that. I had anxiety and got totally fixated on the things my anxiety was focused on.

You should not engage with BMIL at all - don't prod the crazy. I would seriously seriously up sticks and move very very far away though. And as a previous poster said, tell her the wedding is off, and thus enjoy your wedding without her. Also, get BIL to have a heart to heart with DH about BMIL.

JamPasty · 16/05/2018 13:11

Just read your last post - holy shit!! Is she actually medically delusional do you think?

Aprilmightbemynewname · 16/05/2018 13:19

Has she got a key??!!!

Original poster
LolaL · 16/05/2018 13:20

@itchykness I laughed out loud at that. Honestly this could be a very unbelievable storyline in an OTT melodramatic soap.

I never thought about that equation before. You're completely right. Such a nasty thing to say. When I confronted her with that when she was here, she said that as his mother she can say what she wants to him!!

I have contacted the suppliers she is aware of ie venue, dress, florist and band to set up privacy.

@JamPasty yes, he is Grin

She did say she didn't want to come to the wedding anyway so I'll hold her to that Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
LolaL · 16/05/2018 13:21

April yes but SIL is going to ask for it back when she picks her DD up from school later (school opposite MIL's)

and yes I do think she is absolutely nuts!!!!!!!!!

OP posts:
SteamTrainsRealAleandOpenFires · 16/05/2018 13:22

Change all the locks ASAP.

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 16/05/2018 13:23

First of all, take the key back off her.

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 16/05/2018 13:26

Your MIL is appalling. Can you go low contact?

CoffeeIsNotEnough · 16/05/2018 13:27

OMG Lola. She just gets worse and worse.
Wishing SIL luck with the key.

Poodles1980 · 16/05/2018 13:27

My lunatic if a mil had a “health scare” just before our wedding because she wasn’t getting her way on something. She threatened to not come to the wedding (sniff, sob) because she was so sick she might not be able to walk. My mum who is a legend called her to tell her she had checked with the priest and the church was wheelchair accessible!!!
I don’t have any advice someone already hasn’t already given you other than ensuring she does not have a key for your house any more and make sure you stand strong and just ignore her, remember everyone else knows she is crazy.