MIL from hell, bring popcorn... wtf do I do with her?

[LolaL]

Well... where do I start with this one.
I posted a few weeks ago under a different name about my MIL being very controlling -- changing curtains in mine and my fiances house when I went home to visit my family for a few days, expecting us to visit her 3-4 times per week at short notice and kicking off when we don't, rearranging my kitchen when I went to ride my horse, turning up CONSTANTLY... list is endless...

Anyway, my fiance and I are getting married in the summer. Due to my hobby (horses - high level competitions), the fact I run my own business and that I relocated fucking miles a considerable distance to be with my fiance last year, I don't get too spend too much time with friends/family. I've never been a party animal type, dad was an alcoholic so getting out of control smashed is absolutely not what I like to do - saying that, when I do see my friends, I do really enjoy myself.
Past two weekends, I've been away with my friends (hobby related and my hen party). My fiance kicked off both times, badly and completely ruined my weekends. We've been together for 4 years and this has never happened before so I was worried about him, worried there may be underlying issues he's not talked to me about, more concerned about him that upset about arguments as very uncharacteristic behaviour. He wouldn't open up to me so I made the decision, in confidence, to have a chat with his brother about his behaviour. I've known BIL for longer than my DP, actually used to work for him, so know him well enough to talk in confidence.I know my DP has a huge amount of respect for him, thought he may be able to shed some light on why he is behaving like this.
Whilst I was over at his having a chat, I received a text from my MIL asking how my weekend was (she chose not to come to my hen party). Signal is poor there and I didn't receive. After an hour of me not texting back, apparently feeling "concerned" she came over to our house, dp was there, looked upset so obvious we'd had an argument and asked him what had happen, he told her to mind her own business and she left. Then went to my stables, trying to find me.
She then called SIL (bil's wife) gossiping, did she know that I'd left dp!!! - SIL, sat next to me(!), told her that she didn't know where this had come from, she shouldn't jump to conclusions, stop getting involved in people's businesses, everything was fine.
Cutting an even longer story shorter, I ended up staying at BIL+SILs for a few hours, played with my niece in the garden and having a bbq there. Got a good insight into why DP is upset (work issues), got some really lovely advice from BIL and all happy.
MIL called again, this time to BIL, saying how she was going to call my mum apologising to her about my DP. BIL told her to stay out of this, DP and I are fine, and not to contact my mum?!
I came home, walked into the house and DP was on the phone... my mum had just called him, v upset, asking why our wedding is off.
I called mum back, she said MIL had been on the phone, told her I had "fled" to BIL's and called off the wedding... mum obviously very hurt. MiL had also told her some insane lies... SIL having an affair, my business wasn't working out and I wanted to sell my horses??
MIL also text SIL telling her she is taking her completely awful, WHITE dress she was planning on wearing to our wedding back.

Every couple has issues at points... DP has admitted he's wrong, come clean about work stresses and has completely apologised for ruining my weekends. Went to the drs this morning and they've diagnosed him with anxiety. So no excuse for his behaviour but at least we're getting somewhere with it. At no point did I want to call off the wedding/split up etc.

What on earth do I do with my MIL? I'm so upset that someone would interfere in my relationship like this, for no apparent gain at all. She's really upset my mum and even more upset that off the back of what she's said to them, my parents are questioning whether I'm making the right move marrying him despite him not putting a toe out of line in the 4 years we've been together, except from this.

Appreciate this is a bit of an essay and thank you to anyone who is still here at the end!

OP, you were advised, by many people on your previous thread, to change the locks, and to keep your doors locked to stop her letting herself in.
You need to take this advice seriously, because she's just going to keep letting herself in if you don't do something about it.

For most locks, you don't need a locksmith. You can buy the barrels in places like B&Q, and watch YouTube videos showing you how to do it. All you need is a screwdriver.

So, get out first thing tomorrow, and get those locks changed!

Oh no I'm sorry to hear you got cornered by this lunatic again!!!!!!!!

In answer to your question I have always been a "worrier" and was anxious at different levels since my teens. However I think the tipping point was the death of a close relative a couple of years ago, I started to go downhill fast and like I said couldn't be anywhere without my husband and turned into a monster when he went out without me!!!

After about 2-3 months of medication I was feeling so much better. I don't know if I'll ever come off the tablets but I don't really care, they allow me to live a normal life.

You need to get your locks changed!! For him as well as you, the last thing he needs if he's suffering with anxiety is this nuts woman letting herself in as she pleases. He probably doesn't realise how unhappy she is making him

What previous thread?

OP wrote a post a few weeks ago (she refers to it in her first post) under a different user name, about her MIL, letting herself into their house, changing the curtains, rearranging the furniture etc.

Locks have been changed today!

But regardless of had them been changed or not, I leave the back door open during the summer (warm days, big old cottage and very rural/remote area)... DP went nuts at her again last night so fingers crossed she's now learnt that turning up unannounced is a big no no

Then you need a lockable gate so she can't access the back of the house, Lola

Has she ever changed her behaviour about anything?

Electric fence, frothing guard dogs, a crocodile-infested most and villagers with pitchforks may be required....
All jokes aside, OP. I said before, she sounds like my mother. (Oh the stories I could tell... but she’s dead and I’m afraid she’ll come back and haunt me.) You have my empathy!!!

@lolal well done for all the steps your taking.
im so sorry for your dp.this would be agony for me if my mum turned out to be like this especially if it was just hitting me right now!it crushing to think of so for him to be going through it.ouch.
be there for eacohter that the strength you do have.
remember both your emotions will be all over the place because of this.and youll be reacting from two very different view points.as a son and as a daughter in law. but together you can be a team not to be beaten.
can you do anything this weekend to take yo uout of your own heads.even if its making a picnic and having it on your backlawn.just something unthinking and freeing.
in a way its nice to hear that from the wedding dress shop.it means your not alone hun and so you know others have gone through this you can too.

Big hugs for you and DP. My mum is very similar, and it took me years before I could find someone to be close too. So big up your DP as he has managed and extremely well by the sounds of it. I've just taken the decision to go LC with mum and it's taken me years. The guilt and manipulation are terrifying. My mum also has other MH conditions so I've always felt too guilty to be awful to her out of respect for her suffering with those - now I'm learning that suffering was used to put me down. Similar how your MIL has left your DP in a no-win situation - you said something about how she wouldn't treat a long-term illness if he doesn't get married? But obviously, if you do (and I really hope you do), then that same long-term illness will drag on and on.

Sending strength to you both and I'm reading some of the toxic parenting books already mentioned in this thread. They are very helpful, but also necessarily confrontational. I would advise DP to read them, but hopefully alongside other therapy. I'm currently seeking my second round of therapy to deal with my mum. I'm only talking about my experience to highlight how absolutely normal and expected your DP's feelings are to be at this stage.

I'm glad you've got plans to move too, and having met horses properly for the first time yesterday I'm so glad you're keeping the horses as what a gift to your kids. Maybe DP can learn about unconditional love from the horses too?

Thumb yes, lockable back gate is definitely on the cards.

Saying that, DP has been very strong with her. I absolutely lost the plot last night (not helpful, I know) that my privacy and boundaries were so abused. How dare she come into MY (ok, our... but you get the picture) and tell me that my mum is a liar and she's the only person I can trust?

So messed up. No wonder Dp is the way that he is!

justilou1 I do actually have quite a lot of electric tape from the horses, I might set some up in the garden. Would actually love to set up a home alone style trap lol nothing would make me happier right now than a big bucket of paint being chucked on her!

Sorry to hear that G1ingerpig - I think you're dealing with a very similar situation to DP. She is constantly moaning about her health issues and making us feel so guilty for not pandering to her every whim and need, it makes going LC very tough.

Glad you met horses for the first time yesterday! How exciting. Yes I was lucky enough to have learned to ride before i could walk, as kids we played on our ponies all day... very keen for mine to have a similar upbringing.

Plant a harry potter style whomping willow outside the front so she cant get in plus you would have the satisfaction of watching her get wolloped

Ok i need to put my book down whilst on mn

Ridiculous comments about leaving your partner. So much nonsense on here from people telling you to leave your fiance !

Your MIL does this for attention, any attention, even negative is better than none. Don't give it to her. Ignore her crap, get your DH to ignore, tell your mum what a dick she is and live happily ever after. If you confront her, it's exactly what she wants.

Yes, agree with Beautifulwisteria. Even being shouted at by you or dp is feeeding her need. She doesn't care whether you're nice or nasty to her as long as you are paying some attention to her.

Truly the only way to stop feeding her is to stop having any contact at all. Difficult to do. An alrenative is to be extremely boring when there is contact, monosyllabic, no descriptions or information or as little as possible. It will be hard for both of you, but especially for dp. Keep talking to bil and sil, and copy their contact with her, however they keep her at bay.

Life is too short to put up with a toxic person in your life.
Stop procrastinating.
Get a new lock on your door pronto.
If you can, get dp, bil ( sil if you want ) and your DM to sit with you and your mil and spell it out that her behaviour is out of order. It will not be tolerated. End of. Actions have consequences.
Your dp needs to grow a pair.
Otherwise it will get worse. What happens when you have dc ????

Your dp needs to grow a pair.

That is bang out of order, the poor guy is suffering from anxiety FFS!

I agree Steam,

OP's DP is doing amazing considering a lifetime of this treatment, he standing up to his mother and dealing with anxiety at the same time.

Thanks everyone, he is doing the best that he can despite everything. To some, it may not be enough but moving back to my family is now a conversation that we're having, especially as we'd like to try for a baby as soon as we're married.

Meeting up with SIL tomorrow

Glad you've got the locks changed. Time will tell if your partner's stern word with her about wandering in, will have the desired effect, but a locked gate to stop her coming round the back, would be prudent.

How did it go with sil?

I'm amazed at the number of people blaming the DP on here. It's no wonder so many couple separate when there's such a lack of compromise, understanding and empathy for other people. No ones perfect, people make mistakes.

People need to remember that DP has been dealing with his mother his whole life and that includes being victim to her games and emotional abuse. My MIL has NPD and it has had a profound effect on my DH. She caused us years of pain and stress and made it her mission to try and destroy me and our relationship. It was easy to put some of the blame on my DH for not "having a pair" but in reality he has been emotionally abused by her and her toxic manipulation for many years. Gaining an understanding of her and what she did actually just made is stronger. We have been NC for six years now and although that in itself is painful for DH it is by far the right decision for him (and it was his decision ). As hard as it was and as much as she hurt me with her lies I always try and remind myself that I have my supportive family. This is his Mum and it is far harder on him to deal with that than me

This sounds very hopeful and positive. Good luck!

Hope you had a good time with SIL and it was fun and useful.

How did it go with SIL?

Sounds scarily like my MIL, who is absolutely psychotic. Had been sending emails and calling family members here and abroad for months (including pictures of me doing innocent things like sitting with my mother) and saying it was "the tip of the iceberg" and they had to help dh from making a huge mistake. Found out 4 days before the wedding, told her we knew about it and surprise surprise she didn't have the balls to show up at the wedding. This was after 9 months of cunty and mental behaviour. Haven't heard from her since.

The most important thing is having the support of DH, which it seems you have. He needs to be prepared to go NC. If he's not I would postpone the wedding. If he is then to be honest very soon is the point where you would need to uninvite her from the wedding. You cannot have a complete wild card ruining your day - and she will ruin it: these people need to have FULL CONTROL of every situation. When they lose control they become more and more extreme. Hence not being in the loop with your argument and therefore just making shit up to regain control and a sense of worth/purpose. It seems like a wicked thing to do until you are in the situation, but honestly our life has never ever been better than with her gone from it. I dread the day she gets back in touch because SO MUCH TIME AND ENERGY ends up being spent on managing her behaviour and avoiding drama.

I do agree user, but I think there's a difference between a partner who is genuinely trying to set boundaries but finding things tough, and a partner who is part of a toxic family culture, and who is either too afraid or too oblivious to speak up - or who even enjoys watching their partner attacked and being the 'golden child'. There are PLENTY of the latter on Mumsnet! Fortunately, in this case, the DP has stepped up and taken on some responsibilities, and hopefully this will start to feel more natural soon.

OP, you need to lock your back door. I know it's nice to have them open in good weather, but it's a lot cheaper and quicker than getting a gate put in in the short term.