When your DH/DP doesn't defend you

[Sofia19]

Just had a big row with MIL yesterday again and DH didn't defend me, just stood there and watched. Then made excuses for his mum later.

Is there a time when you really needed his support and he didn't defend you? Please share.. so upset right now

Maybe he didn’t agree with what you were saying?

What was the row about? I’m not sure you can expect unwavering defence if he doesn’t actually agree with you. It depends on the situation though.

You took the words out of my mouth, Sirzy.

Depends on the situation. I'd never talk back to anything mil said to me no matter how horrible. I'd always let dh deal with her. Just as I'd have it out with my mum if she did something we don't like.

I really hate ‘men’ like this. Your DH needs to really grow some.

Even if he didn’t fully agree with you he should be man enough to defend you especially when your feeling disrespected by your MIL.

So blindly goknh along with someone classes as “growing some”?

Should a man really agree with everything simply because his wife says it?

Even if he didn’t fully agree with you he should be man enough to defend you especially when your feeling disrespected by your MIL.

User777 Stop with the bullshit sexist comments (“man enough” and putting men in air quotes in a poor attempt to belittle them) and think about what you’re saying.

Why should a man defend his wife just because she’s his wife? If he doesn’t agree, he doesn’t agree and he has no obligation to defend her just because they happen to be married. She’s a grown woman who can defend herself.

OP, this is really contextual. Your DH doesn’t have to defend you if he doesn’t agree with what you’re saying. Without further information, you won’t get any true replies.

OP without context none of us can say. He has a right not to agree with you, especially if you are being unreasonable and you're a big girl and don't need a man to defend you. If MIL was being awful or was saying horrible things about your children you might expect him to say something, but without knowing what was said there's no way of knowing if YABU or not, as it stands out seems like you just want him to.mindlessly back you whether he agrees with you or not.

She gave my 2 year old DS coffee. She used to do it even before he turned two, I've repeatedly told her not to do it even in front of DH so many times.

So yesterday I was in the kitchen and they were in the living room. I saw her let DS sip on her coffee, I lost it and told her not to do that again. She started shouting at me, I shouted back and she called me a cow, and some other names, he just stood there watching us. Then she stormed off, and he went out to speak to her, like trying to apologise on my behalf or he was trying to comfort her. Then he came back, and told me not to shout at her like that again etc.

AIBU? Honestly he's got no balls, and I know he didn't say anything cuz he didn't want to upset his fucking DM.

I didn't speak to him for the rest of the evening and just cried in my bedroom, I couldn't believe that he went out trying to comfort his mum when in reality she was the one calling me names and started shouting at me.

So your DH must be OK with MIL giving a 2 year old coffee?! YADNBU, especially since you have already told MIL not to, she should respect your (& DH's, assuming he is not in favour of coffee for toddlers!) wishes as a parent.

She started shouting at me, I shouted back and she called me a cow, and some other names, he just stood there watching us.

To be honest, he was probably terrified of getting in the middle of you!!

Did Jeremy not get the bouncer to intervene??

Unless you live with her I wouldn't be visiting.
And make sure your dh deals with hyper ds.
Is the cord still attached regarding other things?

She gave a small child coffee when you had asked her not to. That is not on to be honest. She may think you are being too careful but you are the parent so she needs to respect that.

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue

My DH and the majority of husbands expect their women to defend them when needed too. But when it’s the opposite way women have to defend themselves and telling a man to do his job is ‘sexist’. It’s PC gone mad.

OP this is about your relationship. If your DH expects you to defend him in times of need then you have every right to expect the same from him. I personally feel as a man he has even more of an obligation to defend you. But that’s just my opinion.

Some of the posters seem to be unable to read between the lines. The OP clearly states that he ‘D’H was ‘ making excuses’ for the MIL. Which clearly means he knew she was in the wrong by wasn’t man enough to call his MIL out on it. Have a word with your DH OP.

Sorry, just a storm in a teacup (or coffee cup). What's wrong with letting the DC taste her coffee? She wasn't feeding him a bottle of strong coffee, was she? I would be astonished if my Dil attacked me for that, but she wouldn't anyway. Your DH probably couldn't understand what the problem was, that's why he didn't stand up for you. Anyway, you're a modern strong woman, so why do you need him to stand up for you anyway? Admittedly, she overreacted, but so did you. An apology is due I think, or you risk a serious family feud.

This regularly happens with my DH. Is one of our recurrent rows. Sometimes afterwards he will agree with me and at others he says, you know she/ he did have a point. Ive got used to it but it still drives me mad occasionally.
Truth is, he is just very unconfrontational, in a row he goes quiet. Same with me and the kids. Hates shouting n stuff. I am much more feisty. Is it this op? Is it his personality?

It’s quite difficult to have you wife and Mum disagree.

Yes, you have a DH problem. I think this is less about 'defending you', however, than about supporting you when you try to set a clear boundary in the first place. The start of the problem is way downstream of the actual argument that happened.

Well, no one really covered themselves in glory, did they? She gave a child a sip of coffee (which is pretty WTF, but on the other hand people are reacting as if she gave him his own sippy cup of it, not a taste of hers) and so directly ignored your request, you 'lost it', everyone ended up shouting. Your DH reacted pretty weakly, but once you two had started shouting at each other he probably wanted to calm the situation, not inflame it further. My main takeaway from this is that you're very concerned about your child having a sip of coffee, but seem to think it's fine for him to be in an environment where two grown women start screaming at each other.

I would only expect my dp to “defend” me if he agreed with me.

Sorry just read the coffee clarification. My kids used to love slurping a spoon of foamy stuff off a cappuccino. I don’t think occasionally a sip would do harm.
However I totally get how hurtful this was. Your DH must have been really torn. Nobody wants their Mum shouted at. The best way IMO to redeem all this is for you both to see her, You to say sorry for shouting ( give her a pause so she can say sorry too) and him to say something like, “Look Mum we really don’t want you giving dc coffee, Sofia has mentioned it before which is why she got so cross. It’s bad for him so just don’t do it”
Will make you feel a bit better and heal the rift.
Unless the relationship is generally problematic?

Depends how much form you have for throwing a tanty over little things. A sip or two of coffee will not actually harm a toddler (it's hardly giving your DC a double espresso with a shot of whisky on the side, is it?).

Do you and your MIL have a difficult relationship anyway? Is there a bit of a power struggle going on over who can make your H take her side? Are you precious and controlling about food/drink with everyone?

"No amount is OK for toddlers or young children," says Dr. Kristine Powell, a pediatrician with St.Vincent Medical Group. "There have been studies that show caffeine can cause increased blood pressure, heart rate and seizures in young children. It's also been associated with heart arrhythmias." From this article..

www.whattoexpect.com/wom/toddler/0309/is-it-ever-ok-to-give-toddlers-coffee-.aspx

This makes my heart break because i know a 3 year old who died from basically a heart attack, and her parents used to let her have sips of coffee and sodas, the caffeine and sugar content was just too much for her as there bodys really arnt designed to have it yet.

Its not that you are being fussy about coffee.. its that its dangerous.

“This makes my heart break because i know a 3 year old who died from basically a heart attack, and her parents used to let her have sips of coffee and sodas, the caffeine and sugar content was just too much for her as there bodys really arnt designed to have it yet.“

Sorry- you are saying a child died of a heart attack because she had the occasional sip of coffee?? As they say- citation needed.

ALSO! to those saying just 1 sip is fine.. here..

news.abs-cbn.com/nation/regions/05/26/15/3-year-old-girl-dies-after-excessive-coffee-intake

parents said she would take an occasional sip and she died ALSO from a Cardiac arrhythmia, its not actually that rare.. people just wouldn't ave thought it.