When your DH/DP doesn't defend you

[Sofia19]

Just had a big row with MIL yesterday again and DH didn't defend me, just stood there and watched. Then made excuses for his mum later.

Is there a time when you really needed his support and he didn't defend you? Please share.. so upset right now

I wonder if mumsnet will still be around in 30 years or so? Will there be a thread from the same OP saying DIL just had a go at me and DS just stood there and let her?

The people who think this is a good example to set for the child: OP's partner clearly grew up with an, erm, assertive mother and it didn't teach him to be self-confident in standing up for himself, it (completely unsurprisingly) taught him to try to avoid conflict and appease his mother. Two of his close relatives shouting at each other isn't going to teach him anything at all about healthy boundaries or ways of effectively asserting himself.

Hmph. People who whine about being 'disrespected' would generally benefit from a lot more people laughing at them and/or ignoring all the footstamping.

OP sounds precious and controlling, and it's a fairly irresistible temptation to undermine people who think they are always right and demand unquestioning obedience from everyone around them. A bit of sugar and caffeine is extremely unlikely to do DC any harm if they have a balanced diet, and and the more you shriek and piss your pants over 'junk food' or whatever, the more likely you are to set up disordered eating habits in your DC for later life, no matter how much kale and quinoa you feed them.

@MargaretCavendish

The people who think this is a good example to set for the child: OP's partner clearly grew up with an, erm, assertive mother

No, he grew up with a mother who didn't pay attention to what anyone else said, and did what she wanted.

I grew up in a pleasant family, where we respected each other's boundaries. It's a hell of a shock to go from that to a situation where you're being subtly bullied all the time, and your reasonable requests are treated as nonsense that can be ignored, and you're painted as the bad guy if you stand up for yourself.

I've been married over 30 years and my husband has never had my back. He hates to rock the boat, wants everyone to like him. His mother told such lies it almost ended our marriage, while he agreed she was in the wrong he said nothing to her. I've not spoken to her in years. I just found out my sil is re-writing history and the whole bust up is absolutely my fault and I was the only person being petty and unreasonable. This even though at the time she said I should count myself lucky that I lived so far away and didn't have to put up with mil behaviour, while she, sil, lived an hour away and was sick of being picked on, talked down to and ignored. My husband has let it go.

My DH and the majority of husbands expect their women to defend them when needed too. But when it’s the opposite way women have to defend themselves and telling a man to do his job is ‘sexist’. It’s PC gone mad.

User777 What nonsense you speak. Nobody - male or female - should expect their partner to automatically defend them. Being in a relationship, serious or otherwise, does not mean you defend your partner whether they’re right or wrong.

Grown adults are capable of defending themselves. And I don’t know why anyone would want their partner to jump in on their side even when they’re being unreasonable. I want to be in a relationship where my DH isn’t afraid to tell me when I’ve behaved appallingly.

Oh, and it is no man’s job to defend his wife simply because she is his wife. It is nobody’s job to defend anyone else unless they’re professionally qualified to do so.

It’s nothing to do with PC, it’s to do with your unacceptable sexism.

The OP instigated this argument here; she admitted doing so when she said she lost it. Neither OP nor the MIL are behaving appropriately; shouting and name calling is unacceptable.

OP,!I suspect your DH went to see his mum first because he spends the majority of his time with you, so you have all the time in the world to talk. He won’t have that time with his mum.

He was right to tell you you shouldn’t have shouted at her, and he probably told her the same about shouting at you.

He should also not be happy about his wife calling his mother names.

Indeed. If that happened. Which it didn't by the OP's account. She told the MIL not to give the child coffee (no doubt forcefully enough) and the MIL called HER names - cow etc.

People seem to read what they want to rather than what was written.

OP,!I suspect your DH went to see his mum first because he spends the majority of his time with you, so you have all the time in the world to talk. He won’t have that time with his mum.

yeah thats it. People go to comfort the person they see the less of after an argument - not the one they are supporting.

He probably went to see his mother first because OP shouted at his mother and he felt his mother was being attacked. He perhaps doesn't think she deserved to be shouted at because she let his DC have a sip of coffee. Why should he be on OPs side?

Sometimes I despair of Mumsnet.

Your MIL is a fucking idiot and your H is a pathetic disloyal coward.

He probably went to see his mother first because OP shouted at his mother and he felt his mother was being attacked.

exactly. He didn't care that his mother called his wife a cow. Which is precisely why the OP is feeling so crap.

Passive men are frustrating but you chose to marry him.perhaps your husband could have assertiveness training and I would recommend you try not to dominate the house, as has already been said behind every passive man is a dominant mother.

Quite apart from all the arguments about loyalties, coffee is HOT! My generation of mothers was always taught to keep hot coffee/tea etc well away from toddlers, due to the scalding risk if they spilled the drink over themselves. I've seen toddlers hospitalised from coffee scalds.

exactly. He didn't care that his mother called his wife a cow. Which is precisely why the OP is feeling so crap

He either didn't care or OP also called his mother names in the middle of "losing it".

My MIL once screamed Infront of whole family I was a liar and sobbed, husband didn't get involved, when we left he said he remembered exactly what she said and knew I wasnt lying but didn't want to get involved!!

Firstly I NEVER called his mum any names, she was the one calling me names. Yes I shouted, so did she. What hurt me was, when he went out to comfort his mother and apologised, and just left me hanging there even though his mother did exactly the same thing to me and worse. Shouted and called me names. And then he came back in and had a go at me for shouting at his mother?

Secondly she doesn't babysit, she will sometimes come round in the afternoon and that's when she offers to pick up DD from nursery.

It's not about the coffee, it's about the principle people, I've told this woman 1000 times not to give my DCs certain things and she ignores me and continues to do it.

Come on, if you had a friend who asked you not to give their dc a certain food item, you would respect that and not give it to the child. Even if it's something you give your own children, you wouldn't dream of ignoring your friends requests? So why is it ok for a GP to ignore my requests?

Exactly

He either didn't care or OP also called his mother names in the middle of "losing it".

why not just base your comments on what was posted without making stuff up - the OP never said she called his mother names.

You and your DH need to agree what is and isn't ok with regards to your child. He doesn't need to defend you. He does need to tell his mum that if she goes against the wishes of BOTH of you then she won't be seeing her grandchildren.
Stop the shouting and "losing it". It's not helpful. Or what adults do.

You all sound as bad as each other - it's the kid I feel sorry for

Does your dh have the same views on food as you or is he just expected to agree with you?

Goady, goady goady, goady goady, goady Mfuckers

I'd love to see how you lot would deal with someone deliberately doing something you'd asked them repeatedly not to do. It isn't being controlling to decide what's put in your child, it's what mothers have to do. If she did nothing you'd all be accusing her of being a doormat.

I'd love to see how you lot would deal with someone deliberately doing something you'd asked them repeatedly not to do.

If someone repeatedly did something I asked them not to and I thought it was important enough, I just wouldn't let them look after my children. What has been achieved by "losing it". It certainly isn't going to prevent it happening again.