When your DH/DP doesn't defend you

[Sofia19]

Just had a big row with MIL yesterday again and DH didn't defend me, just stood there and watched. Then made excuses for his mum later.

Is there a time when you really needed his support and he didn't defend you? Please share.. so upset right now

I don't find adults who have been taught that they should react aggressively if anyone 'disrespects' them very pleasant, and my teacher friends all agree that this is the most problematic kind of teenager. I don't think inculcating that as an attitude does your children any favours.

My mother was the most laid-back person ever, but twice in my childhood I saw her blow her top when she felt her good nature was being taken advantage of. So when I was an adult myself I at least recognised that, just because you're good-natured, it doesn't mean you have to be a walk-over. I'm grateful to my mother for that. I was never taught that it was womanly and proper to subsume my own feelings and be 'naice', and I taught my own DDs the same thing. I don't approve of socialising girls to not upset males. As a female you learn from your mother how to stand up for yourself.

My dh doesn't need to defend me. I can stand on my own two feet in an argument. And I won't defend him, he's capable of explaining his position clearly. If he started to defend me it would make me feel that he thought I couldn't do it myself.

Agree with PP saying the coffee is not the issue - the complete lack of respect for your wishes as a parent is. As your update shows, she has done this multiple times and I am not surprised you lost it. Explain if she goes against your wishes again she will not be allowed unsupervised (or even supervised since she openly ignores what you want in front of you) visits. I would not have let this go on for so long.

DH undermining your parenting wishes by allowing it is also unacceptable.

I don’t think these are arguments that you can win Sofia19. It can be much more effective not to argue, and just quietly take action. I don’t leave my dc in the care of people I can’t trust. My DH probably wouldn’t back me up either and I’d end up in a battle that I might lose, so I don’t bother. I just politely and quietly do what’s necessary for the welfare of my dc.

I understand why you feel angry at your DH, and I did too until I started to understand the dynamics of dysfunctional family relationships. You might be clear sighted from the outside, but he’s looking through FOG (fear obligation guilt).

It sounds like you might be dependent for childcare which complicates things considerably. Is there a possibility of changing that? That’s where I’d be focusing my energy, rather than resenting DH or battling with mil.

Why does he need to defend you? Are you a defnseless little woman they can’t do that for herself? You can stand on your own two feet right?

Shouting was never going to achieve anything. Shouting at someone doesn’t get your point across it just makes the other person defensive.

A sip of coffee probably did the child no harm, however mummy and nanny shouting at each other is more likely to cause a child harm. Do you want that as a memory for your child?

Maybe your husband didn't agree with you, I don't think partners should back each other up automatically, only if they agree. But she was wrong to do that against your wishes and your husband should have realised that giving a toddler caffeine is dumb, although shouting at her about it probably didn't help, especially in front of your child. Could she get some decaff coffee and make a very weak milky one, surely that wouldn't cause harm?

Is your DP conflict adverse? The two most important women in his life having a blazing row isnt something that is easy to deal with.

You have questioned her mothering skills. Basically you are saying that your husband wasnt raised in the correct way. If he feels ok about how he was brought up then his point of view will be different to his and that needs to be understood.

However, she needs to be told by him that his DC are not hers and she needs to back off and behave in a more respectful manner.

But parents need to decide together how to parent a child. Does he agree with your positions on everything (bearing in mind his personal experience is that you are being overly critical of his mother and how she raised him).

But I am not sure charging into a debate like a knight on a charger to defend his damsel in distress against the evil dragon that his is mother is something he appears to by able to do.

She sees no wrong in picking up dd4 from nursery and letting her drink a bottle of fizzy in the car, after I've told her not to let her drink all of it. So I had to take it off her when she comes home.

Time to find a new childminder, methinks.

FFS it was a sip of coffee - that's what grandma's do.

So now he's got a healthy heart but his family hate each others guts. Poor kid. You've created a great atmosphere for your precious child to grow up in.

Find something more important to worry about and stop causing problems with your husband and MIL.

I do feel for you Sofia. It is a trust issue. doesn't matter if it was caffine, brandy or cigarette smoking, you have asked her repeatedly in front of DH not to give your little one coffee and fizzy drinks.

It sounds like she is helping you out with some childminding/pick ups and this behaviour means that you can't trust her not to deliberately go behind your back (she hid the icecream) and ignore your wishes.
Work out in advance what you and DP do and don't want to happen with respect to your DC. You two are the parents. Not her. Pick a non-fraught time to let DH see that you need him to calmly repeat what you have said "We don't want DC to have coffee. Please respect our wishes." to every excuse she makes.

Your ideas about caffine, sugar etc are reasonable. My DM used to stuff my eldest with chocolate whenever I wasn't looking. Yes the odd chocolate wouldn't harm him, but she was building up a bad habit over a period of time that I didn't want him to have. Also undermining my authority with him by telling me I was being stupid about it in front of him. Another bad habit. So I don't think YABU. You need to be firm about this with her. Firm but not argumentative if possible.
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She provoked you into a blow up, while its better not to lose it and to stay on civil terms, you can't undo it. She's pulling a matriarch. Don't apologise after she called you a cow in front of your kids. Unless there is a mutual apology. Or couch the apology as "lets agree to put it behind us, etc.." Good luck

I feel sorry for the OP, who is trying to ensure that her children are brought up in accordance with reasonable health guidelines.

If someone was feeding my DC ice cream at 4 months, they would not be spending any time with them unsupervised.

And what is it with people wanting to give unhealthy food to kids all the time? My DM has her faults but she doesn’t stuff my kids with crap. If the MIL wants to bond with her DGC she should play a game with them or sing a song in the car etc Giving them unhealthy food or drinks instead of making an effort is plain lazy.

And giving kids inappropriate treats shouldn’t be what grandparents do. It’s perverse. There are reasons why babies and toddlers need less salt, caffeine etc than adults.

I would be having stern words with my DH too if he allowed anyone to call me a cow without stepping in to. And I would do the same for my DH.

Good Luck OP, don’t apologise and don’t speak to her until she apologises for her behaviour.

I've mentioned on a similar thread that when I went back to work when DD1 was a few months old the GPs wanted to childmind. The one thing I laid down as important was that she wasn't to be put outside for the day, as it was November, and she had bronchitis. First day back from work the FiL jokingly said "I'm getting too old for lifting that pram up and down the back steps to the garden". MiL looked daggers at him, but it was too late. I didn't say anything, and immediately arranged full-time child-care elsewhere. If you don't trust someone to respect your wishes when looking after your child, pay for childcare.

I feel sorry for you OP your decisions as a parent are being disrespected and undermined, and your DH won't stick up for you. I can't believe the amount of people jumping at you for this.

Your DH chose his mother over you when he went to comfort her and that must be what hurts the most. It's not like you brutally attacked the woman, you asked her to stop doing something which you have asked time and time again not to do.

Yes it's "just a sip" but when you are fed up of having the same discussion again and again then it doesn't matter how much it was, the point is she went against your wishes.

Fuck her. Was this in your home?

And everyone blaming op for the "bad atmosphere" for the child. I'm pretty sure an atmosphere where a child constantly sees his mother being undermined is pretty bad also.

I think whether DP should defend you or not when you are arguing with MIL depends on what the argument is about and whether he actually agrees with you or not.

In this case MIL was giving DC coffee when you have previously asked her not to. I think DP should have backed you up as he agrees DC should not be given coffee and MIL has been asked not to before.

However I think instinctively many men find it difficult to argue against their mothers and will not know what to do in situations like this and will remain quiet. I'd say cut him some slack.

Perhaps if you and DP had discussed and agreed he would have a quiet word with her, that may have worked.

MIL definitely unreasonable though for giving DC coffee especially as you had asked her not to before. She should have apologised and said shevwont do it again rather than arguing with you.

I don't think this is about "defending". I think that is a red herring.

I think OP is pissed off because afterwards her husband, father of her child and partner went to comfort .......his MOTHER. It validated the mother, and her side of the argument.

It isn't about who is right or wrong ( although, personally, I'm on OP's "side" on this one ! )

If they both shouted, why wouldn't he comfort his partner first? Or not comfort either of them if he felt they were both in the wrong?

Comforting his mother first spoke volumes, and this isn't about feminism or sexism....it is about who her DH prioritises and where his loyalty lies.

No wonder OP is upset.

She doesn't need the Millie Tants telling her not to be an anti-feminist wimp!! It has fuck all to do with feminism.

Who brought feminism into it?

This.
As Gold Monday said. " And everyone blaming op for the "bad atmosphere" for the child. I'm pretty sure an atmosphere where a child constantly sees his mother being undermined is pretty bad also."

I understand why you wanted your DH to stick up for you. However it was against his mother, which he has probably grown up showing the most respect too?

The mil couldn't have done too bad a job bringing up her own DCs, could she, if DH was good enough for the OP to marry? He survived sips of coffee, fizzy drinks and tastes of ice cream and grew up undamaged? (Apart from a tendency to be non-confrontational, which in my book is no bad thing).

There is an old Indian saying "it takes a whole village to bring up a child".

It seems to be a case of "its my way or the highway" as far as OP is concerned. It's the love that's important and the more people who are there to love ds, the better it is for him!

MIL was a complete bitch at our wedding. She stole wine from the bar, refused to speak to me, and wandered around telling the guests how she had paid for the whole day I'd fucking paid for everything and had bought us a house DH bought that because apparently we couldn't afford any of it! She then as the day went on, bitched endlessly about me to anyone that would listen.

Our guests said as much to me, and I confronted her after the wedding with her lies and the £500 fine from the bar for all the drink she'd nicked. She refused to pay it, she refused to apologise for her lies, and DH said nothing. I ended up footing the bill, and we'd just moved into our first home so it was a huge amount of money then.

I haven't read the whole thread. But I try to be understanding of DH to a degree. He's been conditioned to think her behaviour is normal. It's quite sad in a way he can't see how screwed up she is. If the wedding comes up, I'm honest about how she tainted the day for me. Ruined it actually. And he still thinks that I'm being dramatic I try my best to ignore MIL. Honestly, she's just a vile, poisonous witch. There's no point engaging with her, or with DH about her.

I divorced my first husband over his lack of backbone. His inability to back me up eroded my love until there was none left. I feel for you OP, it's very stressful to be an island when you're in a relationship.

I don't think anyone is defending the MIL for giving the child a sip of coffee. Some people just think it is a reason to "lose" and have a huge argument in front of the child. And if the MIL is always undermining OP, why is she letting her look after her children in the first place? As for the DH, would should he "defend" OP when she is shouting at his mother?

just don't think

Madeleine that's a whole different ballgame. She sounds a bit unbalanced tbh.