When your DH/DP doesn't defend you

[Sofia19]

Just had a big row with MIL yesterday again and DH didn't defend me, just stood there and watched. Then made excuses for his mum later.

Is there a time when you really needed his support and he didn't defend you? Please share.. so upset right now

So an argument is worse than the MIL practically poisoning the child sip by sip. Did you even bother to read the article. You must’ve had a very sheltered childhood if you think a child seeing two adults arguing is ‘damaging’.

Really, poisoning?! You don't think that's a little dramatic? And what is 'practically poisoning'? It either is or isn't poison.

And yes, I suppose my childhood was sheltered because my mother and grandmother were polite to each other and grown-ups didn't have shouting matches in front of me. It's had all sorts of terrible effects, like turning me into the sort of adult who doesn't shout at their in-laws.

My ex always took everyone else's side. I remember someone viciously hissing at my two year old in his buggy because he'd struck her with his foot while stuck in a queue. I didn't even get a chance to say anything before ex appeared with his next size up shirt he'd gone to get, saw something was going on and said tersely to me "what have you done now!" He was always on everyone else's side, delighted in it in fact.

If you asked repeatedly and were ignored it's not surprising you lost it. Some people only seem to respond to this. Will she get the message now? If so it worked.

Your dh should have your back on parenting. If he deeply disagrees he needs to have an adult chat.

Did Jeremy not get the bouncer to intervene??

Do people not realise how much of a twat these kinds of comments make them look?

I did notice that it was the MIL who started shouting and calling her names because she was told to give coffee to the child.
She was the one being aggressive towards the OP.

You can argue that the OP should have kept calm. The reality is that a lot of people will respond in kind esp when the issue isn’t a new one but a repeat fo a discussion that has been done many times.

I did notice that it was the MIL who started shouting and calling her names because she was told to give coffee to the child.
She was the one being aggressive towards the OP.

That's not how I read 'I lost it'.

It amazes me that people expect their partners to side with them regardless. If my husband had shouted at my dad, I know who I'd have defended - give you a clue, I wasn't married to him.

So an argument is worse than the MIL practically poisoning the child sip by sip. Did you even bother to read the article. You must’ve had a very sheltered childhood if you think a child seeing two adults arguing is ‘damaging’

Let a child have a sip of coffee is not "poisoning them". The fact that you think not seeing your mother and grandmother screaming equals having a "sheltered childhood" says a lot about you, unfortunately.

Was all this mummy and granny shouting and name calling in front of the two year old? Probably more damaging for the child to see/hear that than have a sip of coffee...........

So this is practically a storm in a tea (coffee) cup? I'm unsurprised that DH wanted to avoid getting between his DW and DM in this situation. Agree that this is disrespectful of MIL but my take would be "pick your battles."

Your “D”H is even worse defending her and not his own wife! Makes me physically sick. I would’ve kicked him to the curb if I were you op.

Defending your wife isn’t ‘confrontational’ it’s called being a husband.

You're a strange person....

Do people not realise how much of a twat these kinds of comments make them look?

Really? That's the only time I see people screeching at each other - Oh, and Eastenders.

Bold fails make people look twattier in my opinion though.

I agree, I probably shouldn't have argued with her, I just couldn't take it anymore. After years of seeing her give my DCs food they shouldn't have, I just lost it.

She sees no wrong in picking up dd4 from nursery and letting her drink a bottle of fizzy in the car, after I've told her not to let her drink all of it. So I had to take it off her when she comes home.

She would let DS taste some of her cornetto ice cream before he had even been WEANED at 4 months. She had her back to me when she did it, I think she was hiding it and smiled awkwardly when I caught her out. I don't trust her one bit.

She would always make comments about me breastfeeding DS, and when I stopped at 6 months she said " that's about time", she's not a fan of breastfeeding and prefers babies to be formula fed .

She would also tell me to give DS water when he was newborn and breastfed, even though I've told her he doesn't need it as I'm breastfeeding. Would still continue to tell me that he "looked thirsty, give him some water".

She used to tell me stories about how she would rub brandy on DHs gums when he was teething as a baby and that would "conk him out", so yeah her parenting is very different from mine.

MargaretCavendish
Caffeine is highly toxic and therefore if the dosage is correct, it can be a deadly poison.

I remember being given tea and coffee at 3/4. I also had sugar in it. There was an nhs led obsession at the time for kids to drink a large amount of milk a day at that age and cheese apparently didn’t count.

Your mil is very disrespectful and has shown she cannot be trusted around your dc. One thing to give a very milky sugar free decaf or babychino (not that I would), another to give adult coffee.

What people are failing to see, with these dissertations on caffeine, is that this isn't about the coffee. It's about respect. A parent has asked a grandparent not to do something with a child; the grandparent continues wilfully to ignore their wishes. The intent here is to cause upset and to undermine. In any book, that's rude and disrespectful, verging on downright goady.

OP - maybe you shouldn't have 'lost it', but I totally understand your frustration at your wishes being continually ignored by MiL and not supported by your DH. I hope you have a productive conversation soon. Was this at your house? Couldn't you 'run out of coffee' next time? Don't let DC near MiL while she's having her coffee?

Us your dh allowed to have his own opinions in any of this?

It sounds like he is stuck between a rock and a hard place with two women with very differing views.

I would have lost it too. Your DH needs to step up and tell his mum no. It really is that simple and there is no excusing her behaviour. I would be feeling the same as you

What a bloody drama about nothing. A baby's given a taste of soft ice cream and it goes down in the annals of crime? Ridiculous.

Wow just read your update. Great mothering skills. . But that was often how it was back in the day.

I remember a product being removed from the shelves around 9/10 years ago when dd was a baby. It was an antihistamine for colds, allergies or bunged up noses, I forget. It was called Medised. Anyway, parents were routinely giving it to babies to get them through the night. It was changed from 3 months plus to 2 years and finally removed from the shelves. I’d never heard of it before the scandal broke so even parents with children a little older than mine were being drugged.

Bluelady
Yes it is disgusting to give an ebf baby ice cream.

You must’ve had a very sheltered childhood if you think a child seeing two adults arguing is ‘damaging’.

^^ this

I think it's good for children to see their mother react when she's being disrespected. Far better than to see her being manipulated into being polite so as not to hurt anyone's feelings. All hell used to break loose when I felt gaslighted or ignored. My children have grown into calm, reasonable adults who recognise when they're being shat upon, and know to walk away before it escalates into abusive behaviour.

I think it's good for children to see their mother react when she's being disrespected. Far better than to see her being manipulated into being polite so as not to hurt anyone's feelings.

I don't find adults who have been taught that they should react aggressively if anyone 'disrespects' them very pleasant, and my teacher friends all agree that this is the most problematic kind of teenager. I don't think inculcating that as an attitude does your children any favours.

Disgusting? Like I said, huge drama over extreme trivia.

You need to take control op. Stop loosing it and shouting, it will do no good.

Next time you see MIL, apologise. Be the bigger person and say sorry for shouting. Then tell her, calmly, that you do not agree to dc having coffee/fizzy pop/whatever at all, and that you have reminded her many times...and that if it happens again, you will unfortunately have to stop allowing the dc to see her unsupervised. And stick to it.

It's often a control issue/power play imo when people purposely do this. But your mil had her change to bring up kids the way she wants and she doesn't get to ride roughshod over your wishes for your dc.